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Tell Me All About the Ocean

Summary:

Magnus and Alec have yet more secrets to share with each other, Luna has words of wisdom

Notes:

Okay, so first off, my nephew has been in hospital, I myself have been sick, and I've been tired as hell A LOT, so yeah life is a piece of shit atm. Then on top of all that, I'm trying to write longer chapters, so will DEFINITELY be slower getting chapters out, sozzle.

Chapter 1: Never Seen the Ocean, Not Like This One

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Weary traveler, calloused and sore,
Time and gravity followed you here.
Rest, my brother, and tell me,
All about the ocean.
~Oceans, Puscifer


 

The island is beautiful, located somewhere in the South Pacific, it’s the kind of island the rich would put a resort on. The kind of island people would go to when they wanted to escape the world and all its problems and, Alec supposes, that’s what he and Magnus are doing now.

The island is mystical and while being here has done wonders for them both, it hasn’t magically cured Magnus’ depression or the nightmares Alec plans to never own up to. Still, it’s nice.

They’re not the only ones on the island, a fact Magnus had only explained to him after they’d come through the portal and Magnus had been attacked by a flurry of colours.


 

“Magnus!” multiple voices shout as they step out of the portal into a moonlit night, Magnus freezes and then suddenly he’s on the ground being pulled at by little hands.

“Hello, children.” Magnus greets, smiling as he can finally sit up, one of the children crawling into his lap. Alec quickly counts the children, there are ten of them, all between the ages of 4 and 10, the one in Magnus’ lap looks the youngest.

“Magnus!! You haven’t visited us in years and years and years and years!” the child in his lap chirps, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry, little ones, I have been busy. But I’m sure you’ve been enjoying your time here?” he asks, looking each of them in the eyes, each child smiles and grins at him, nodding their heads.

“It’s nice here, and Miss Luna says we can stay here forever and ever and ever!” one of the younger children exclaims, clapping his hands. Magnus smiles at him, before movement out of the corner of his eyes causes him to look up and his smile only grows wider as he looks at the woman approaching them, her long, platinum blonde hair blowing in the wind.

“Alright, children, let’s let Magnus and his companion settle in, hmm? Rolf has your dinner ready for you!”

“Yay!!!” the children all scream, running off to the plot of buildings Alec can just make out within the trees.

“Magnus.” The woman greets, smiling at him as she offers a hand to pull him up, Magnus takes her up on it and pulls her into a hug when he’s on his feet.

“Hi, Luna, how have you been? I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while, I’ve been busy.”

“I know, that’s okay, we’ve been fine here, Magnus. The children want for nothing, but they do like it when you visit.”

“Well, they’re going be overjoyed because Alec and I are moving in.” Magnus tells her, grinning, and holding his hand out to Alec, who steps forward and takes his hand, smiling at Luna. “Luna Lovegood, this is Alec Lightwood, my fiancé. Alec, this is my friend, Luna.”

“You always did like the risky ones.” Luna comments, looking intently at Alec, her head cocked to the side, Alec feels like she’s inspecting his very soul, and he’s not too far off. “He’s got a good aura, and his love for you is strong and pure. Perhaps you’ll succeed this time.” Luna tells Magnus, patting him on the cheek, she speaks something to Magnus in a language Alec doesn’t understand, before she turns and heads after the children. “Don’t be a stranger, Magnus.” She calls over her shoulder, Alec blinking after her.

Magnus simply smiles and starts leading Alec in the opposite direction, snuggling comfortably into Alec’s side as they walk.

“Where are we going?” Alec asks, as they stroll along the beach, Magnus hums.

“The Sanctuary is on the other side of the island from my lodge.”

“What’s the sanctuary for?”

“You couldn’t tell?” Magnus asks, frowning at his lover. “Those children are vampires, Alexander. They will be children for the rest of their lives.”

“What?” Alec exclaims, stumbling to a stop.

“The children are vampires. There are sanctuaries like this all around the world, and the children move from sanctuary to sanctuary every few hundred years when they get bored.” Magnus answers, shrugging his shoulders, a grim look on his face.

“Raphael-?”

“Though many would argue, Raphael was old enough when he turned that he was mentally capable of controlling himself. When he’s not high on Shadowhunter blood, he’s capable of resisting his thirst. Children younger than about fourteen are not capable of that control, and they will never be capable.” Magnus says, a sad smile on his face. “It only took the Clave about five years after vampires were first created to figure that out, then they mandated the immediate termination of any vampire under the age of fourteen. Since then, we’ve done our best to save as many child vampires as we can.”

“That’s barbaric. They’re just children, why would the Clave-?”

“They are children who will never learn to control their impulses. Children who will attack mundanes without regret or thought. You tell me why the Clave would think their lives worthless.”

“Oh.”

“Indeed.” Magnus says, sighing. “Come on, let’s just settle in for the rest of the night.” Magnus mutters, pulling him along.


“They have forgiven your transgressions, Magnus. You alone blame yourself.”

Magnus can’t shake the words Luna spoke to him in Enochian on the beach that first night on the island. Luna has always known more than anyone could know, has always had the odd habit of seeing that which you wanted hidden, it’s an obvious side effect of being born the first, and from what they know, the last of her kind. The child of a fae and a demon, not quite a warlock, but not quite fae, either. Like her father’s people, Luna never lies, she may twist the truth to her own advantage, but she never lies, is incapable of it, so if she says he is forgiven, then he is forgiven. But how could they have ever forgiven him for this? They can’t have.

“Magnus?” Magnus jumps, and pulls his hand from his wrist, his magic stuttering at the tips of his fingers, then vanishing completely as his glamour creeps back over his wrist.

“Darling?” Magnus asks, turning to smile at Alec as the Nephilim walks through the door, coming in from the beach. Magnus appreciates the view, sighing happily as he watches the water trailing down his lover’s body.

“Come join me.” Alec tells him, looking smug, Magnus looks out the window at the water and cringes, remembers for the thousandth time since their arrival just why he doesn't visit the island very often.

“I prefer to enjoy the water from afar.” He answers, looking back to Alec and smiling. “But you go have fun, I really do enjoy the view.” Alec frowns, but evidently decides to let it go.

“Okay, but the water is lovely!” Alec points out, as if Magnus didn’t already know that, it’s the Pacific Ocean, of course the water is lovely. Magnus doesn’t say that, though, instead he hums and reaches out, presses his hand flat over Alec’s chest, over his heart, feels incredibly grateful and relieved when he feels it beating beneath his palm, as he always is.

“I’m sure the water is heavenly, but I’m happier on dry land.” Magnus says, before pulling his hand back and turning to his cauldron, which he’d thankfully put under a status ward before being lost in his thoughts.

“Are you sure you’re alright, Magnus?” Alec asks, Magnus can hear the doubt and concern in his voice and sighs.

“I’m fine, Alec. Just… processing some things.” He says, and it’s not a lie, it’s not, he is fine, perfectly fine, just a little out of sorts, but it’s nothing he won’t sort out on his own. “Go enjoy the sun and the sand and the surf, leave me to my brewing.” Magnus commands, shooing Alec out, Alec goes, though he hesitates in the doorway for a few seconds before sighing and heading back out to the water. When he’s gone, Magnus holds his arm out and carefully peels the glamour away, bit by bit, and bites his lip when he sees the damage he has done. Nothing that won’t heal, but Alec will be so disappointed if he ever learns of this.

Alec can never know.


 

“So, are you going to tell him?” Magnus screams at the voice that interrupts his thoughts, while he’s sitting on the sand, watching the waves crashing against the shore in the moonlight.

“Luna!” He exclaims, pressing his hand over his pounding heart. “Why must you always do this?”

“Keeps you on your toes.” Luna replies, sinking down into the sand beside him, she nudges his shoulder with her own. “So?”

“He can never know.”

“He’ll find out. You plan to bind your heart and soul to him, one way or another, he’ll learn all the secrets you strive to keep from him, and you’ll learn all of his. It comes with the territory of being immortal loves for eternity.” Luna replies, scooping a handful of sand up in her palm, and pressing her other hand over it, lets her hands glow with the light of her magic. “You already know this.”

“I do.” Magnus agrees, sighing heavily. “He’ll be disappointed.” Magnus says, watching as Luna opens her hands and reveals a beautiful glass carving, when Magnus looks closer he can see that Luna has made him and Alec, each with one hand pressed to the other’s heart, and their free hands clasped tight together.

“Disappointed, upset, yes. But understanding, too. Forgiving. Loving. Just as you would be if it were him who hurts the way you do.” Luna says, pressing her carving into Magnus’ hands, Magnus takes it, and even as he feels the overwhelming urge to throw it into the sea - to get rid of the object that represents something that even now, he fears he will never be granted - he cradles it to his chest. “Trust him, Magnus. You know in your heart that he will never purposefully hurt you.”

“I know, but-“

“There was a war when I was a child, did you know?” Luna asks, seemingly out of nowhere, Magnus blinks at the abrupt change in subject but then shakes his head, thinking over her question. Luna is ancient, he can’t fathom the world she grew up in.

“Luna-“

“Indoctrination is a terrible thing, Magnus. I lost many dear friends to its poison. It is always the young who are the first casualties. You can explain anything away when you live and breathe indoctrination, when it is all you have ever known, when you’ve fallen so deep into your teachings you don’t want to see that what you’ve been taught is wrong. That what you personally have done is wrong. You don’t ever get over it, Magnus.”

“I know.”

“You’re both child soldiers, Magnus. Think back on everything Asmodeus taught you, would it scare your Nephilim?”

“Yes.” Magnus replies, almost immediately, because it’s not a question, never was, it’s a given. “He’d be horrified.”

“Just as you’re horrified by some of the decisions he makes. For all that he’s an adult in his world, to us, he’s still a child. He has only two decades worth of knowledge to our centuries. You’ve learnt through the years what lines you will cross, and what lines you will not. He is still learning. Give him time. Trust him to find his way.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know.” Luna replies, before letting out an exasperated sigh. “And for the love of all that is good, please let Jareth foist a child on you!” she exclaims, apparently done with the deep topics for the moment.

“No!” Magnus exclaims, frantically shaking his head. “Alec and I agreed, no children, not until we are married! I’m not ready!”

“That’s what you said a hundred years ago, and then you went and adopted Raphael. You know Jareth’s just going to drop in one day with a baby and tell you there’s no give backs, what's done is done, what's said is said. Why must you tempt fate, Magnus?”

“I’m not ready.”

“Mhm, you know that’s not going to keep him away forever! After that mess with Valentine, there’s warlock children all over the place just looking for a forever home. Don’t you think Raphael wants to have a little sibling again? But don’t let Jareth talk you into looking after more than one child, otherwise you get stuck on some island in the middle of nowhere and you never get to leave, ever.”

“Luna!” Magnus yells, but Luna just laughs and continues to tease him on the matter, and others, as they sit in the light of her namesake. They stay like that until shortly before sunrise, when Luna has to go and ensure all of her charges are safely tucked away inside, and Magnus heads in, crawling tiredly into bed beside Alec and vowing to come clean when he wakes.


When Magnus hasn’t come to bed by midnight, Alec sighs heavily and goes in search of his lover, finds him sitting out on the beach, watching the waves, his mysterious warlock friend, Luna, sitting at his side. The two of them are laughing, Luna explaining something animatedly, her hands flying all over the place, Magnus listening just as attentively. Alec smiles at the both of them and heads back to bed, figures Magnus will come to bed when he is ready.


Magnus wakes up alone, it has become a common thing since their move to the island, Alec rises from bed early and goes for a run around the island and a quick dip in the ocean before he’ll wander back up to the lodge and prepare something for their breakfast, or lunch, if they’ve had a bad night, as they so often seem to.

Magnus sighs, and rolls over onto his back, holding his arm up in front of his face and slowly pulls the glamour on his wrist apart. When he’d torn it to shreds back at the loft a few weeks earlier, he hadn’t taken the time to really tether his glamour when he’d recast it, instead, he’d simply tied it to his intentions and put the tethering on his to do list. He huffs as the last of the glamour falls away, revealing his scars, and the handprint burnt into his skin, Cat would have a fit if she saw, but Magnus knows enough of healing that he made sure not to damage his magical channels or his nerves, or anything essential for that matter. He’s not that stupid. Just questionably sane.

It takes him a long time to work up the courage to leave the bed, get changed and seek out his lover, but eventually he finds the strength and moves through the lodge, frowning when Alec is nowhere to be found. So, in the end, he wanders out onto the beach and finds Alec lying on a towel, sunbathing in only his boardshorts. Magnus smiles when he sees him and goes to sit down beside him on the sand and crosses his arms over his chest, to hide his latest mistake.

“I need to talk to you.” Magnus says, feels immensely guilty when Alec sits up almost immediately, his full attention on Magnus. “I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away these last few days, Alexander.” Magnus tells him, suddenly feeling self-conscious and scared. He hates this, it’s the thing he has always, always hated about love, that it makes him vulnerable, that for it to succeed he has to let it, has to open himself up, reveal bits and pieces of himself that he’d always planned to keep hidden away. Has to offer his whole heart and hope that it doesn't get broken.

“Magnus-“

“Clary’s news about the Clave has knocked me off kilter.” Magnus cuts in, before Alec can say whatever he has to say, because if he lets Alec speak, he’ll lose his nerve, and he can’t do that. “In the past, even before I became High Warlock, there were… warlocks I personally turned into the Clave, or I let get taken by the Clave. At the time, I felt like I had no other choices, they were a danger to the Downworld and often to themselves and the Gard offered a place they could… cool down. Think. Nothing they did was bad enough for the death sentence, but… well, I just felt I didn’t have a choice. Now I find out I all but signed their death warrants. Would have been kinder to just kill them myself.” He says, laughing hysterically as he thinks of them, his friends, his lovers, his people that he surrendered to the Clave, to the enemy and tried never to think about again.

“Magnus.” Alec whispers, reaching forward, Magnus’ entire body tenses and Alec freezes, frowning. Magnus takes a deep breath in, closes his eyes and holds out his arm, can’t name all the emotions swirling inside of him when he hears Alec gasp, feels Alec’s hands gentle as they take hold of his wrist, but fear and shame are easily recognizable. Familiar, too, is the way his chest tightens and how his eyes burn. He still has his eyes closed, refuses to open them, refuses to look at Alec and see the disappointment and resignation on his face. “Magnus, look at me.” Alec entreats, but Magnus just shakes his head. He gasps when Alec kisses him, his eyes opening of their own accord, before he sinks into the kiss.

“Cheater.” Magnus mumbles as Alec pulls away, Alec laughs and smiles at him, and Magnus sees the disappointment and the sadness in his eyes, but just as Luna had predicted, he sees love, too, and forgiveness, understanding, it takes his breath away, the way only Alec ever has. If he were a man of faith, he’d be asking God what he did to deserve this miracle man, but he isn’t a man of faith, and he knows that nothing in his life was put there by God, except for his various family members.

“I play to win.” Alec replies, shrugging his shoulders, then he sighs. “It’s a good thing we have forever, now, because clearly I’m going to be spending the majority of that time undoing whatever bullshit Camille managed to fill your head with when she was your ‘rock’.” Alec says the word like it makes him sick, and it probably does, if Magnus is honest with himself, Alec hates Camille in a way he didn’t hate Valentine, and Magnus can’t figure it out, for the life of him. “You don’t… owe me anything, Magnus. Yes, I always want you to be honest with me and to let me help you as much as I can, but in the end, it’s your life, Magnus. It’s your choice. I’ve lied to you in the past, and you’ve lied to me, too and we got through it. And if you’re coming clean, then I guess I should, too.”

“Alexander?” Magnus asks, feels his heart plummet in his chest, what has he been missing? What has he been overlooking, so obsessed with his own issues?

“I’ve been having nightmares, too.” Alec admits, as if he would rather not, as if it pains him just to say the words aloud. “At first about what happened with Jace, but now, other things, too. You warned me that I’d regret being immortal, and I told you, as I still believe, that I wouldn’t blame you, but I’m dreaming about it. About the day I’m the last one left. Clary, Jace, Izzy, Max, my mom, my dad, all of them, dead, and I’m the last one left.”

“I’ll be here.” Magnus says, hesitating before reaching out to rest his hand on Alec’s shoulder, frowns at the way Alec's tenses up beneath his touch. “I’ll be here, I’ll always be here, with you.” He promises, though he knows it isn’t what Alec’s talking about, knows that as much of a comfort as it is, it’s not enough. “Why-?” he pauses, stops himself, wants to ask why Alec didn’t tell him this, why he didn’t realize himself, but he can’t just ask that, because he doesn’t really know why he’s been hiding from Alec, either.

“I’ve been using my silence and stillness runes.” Alec explains anyway, like he knows exactly what Magnus had been going to ask, and maybe he does. His explanation makes sense, though, and Magnus sighs.

“We’re a mess.”

“Yes.” Alec answers, making a face. “But we’re a mess together, and we’ll clean up our acts together, too.” He says, and Magnus laughs, nodding his head.

“Yeah.” He agrees, because they will. Together, the both of them, always, no matter what.

“Magnus?” Alec asks, and Magnus frowns at him, frowns at the tone, uncertain and scared and so unlike Alec.

“Alexander?”

“I know I said you don't owe me anything, and I know it’s selfish of me to ask and probably breaking some rule or something, but please, never be the one who takes you away from me.” Alec says, desperate and pleading, and Magnus freezes, hears his own heart pounding in his ears, feels like he’s underwater, time slowly down. He thinks he might not be breathing, is it possible to forget how to breathe? And then time seems to reassert itself, and he’s capable of thinking again.

“Have you been dreaming of-?” he starts to ask, but trails off, unable to say the words. Have you been dreaming that I kill myself? Alec gives jerky nod, his eyes haunted and sad and full of so many different emotions that Magnus can’t recognize them all, but he hates that he’s responsible for them being there at all. “Alexander.” He whispers, anguished and shamed and so, so guilty. “I’m sorry.”


 

“I’m sorry.” Magnus whispers, and Alec jerks, shaking his head.

“I mean, it’s my mind that’s playing tricks on me, Magnus. I just need you to promise that you won’t be the reason I wake up in a world without you in it.” Alec murmurs, hates himself for asking, for demanding, because it’s not his place and he can’t even count the amount of times he’s thought of ending it all himself, especially with what happened to Jocelyn. So, he gets it, and he gets that it’s not a promise anyone can realistically keep because sometimes you just feel like there’s no other option and it’s… appealing. So, he gets it. But he never wants the things he sees in his dreams to come true.

“I want to promise you, Alec. I want to swear up and down that it will never happen, but if we’re being honest with each other, I don’t think I can. If someone were to ensnare my mind like they did yours at Max’s party, it would not end well. But I can promise to talk to you if I feel like that again, if I’m fully in control of my own mind and actions, of course.” Magnus says, and it’s not what Alec wants to hear, but he knows it is genuine, because he knows what he was asking was impossible, so it has to suffice. It has to.

“I couldn’t bear it, Magnus.” He whispers, anyway, his voice breaking. “I keep dreaming about waking up the morning after you were swapped back into your own body, only you made a different decision. I go to see you, to grovel at your feet for being an idiot and apologize a thousand times and beg you not to leave, and I get through your door and see your body sprawled on the balcony in a pool of your own blood and my heart dies, Magnus. I feel it just turn to stone and shatter into dust in my chest.” He says, feels suddenly choked, his eyes burning and he can't breathe, keeps thinking about that image in his mind, Magnus body just lying there, his golden cat's eyes staring accusingly up at Alec, the life in them snuffed out.

"Alec, Alexander, I'm here, I'm right here." Alec jumps at the sound of Magnus' voice, and he looks at Magnus, his fingers twitching, aching to pull Magnus into his arms and never let go, but he holds back, pulls away, doesn't think he deserves to touch Magnus, to even be near Magnus after what he did, after the impossible decision he unknowingly laid at Magnus' feet all those weeks ago.

Magnus, though, apparently has other ideas, as he throws himself into Alec's arms, holding on so tightly Alec thinks his bones might break as the Warlock mumbles apologies, and assurances, and so much other nonsense into Alec's ear. It takes Alec a little while, before he hugs back.

They’ll get through this, together. This and all that might follow, even when they think they won't.


Spoils and troubles, they burden you more,
Pay them no mind, they matter no more.
Leave them behind and show me,
All about the ocean.

 

Look in your eyes,
I've never seen the ocean,
Not like this one.
~Oceans, Puscifer

Notes:

Next Up:
Babysitting and other things I haven't written yet...