cover art by Opalsong
Click the mp3 link for streaming.
Naruto Tribute: Haruka Kanata by Charlie Parra & music from Buzzfeed's Ruining History
cross posted at amplificathon, my journal, and AO3
Ruining History: The Fourth Ninja War
Created by Opalsong
This is a Buzzfeed Ruining History / Naruto crossover…
Welcome to Ruining History. As you all know, the hidden ninja villages are very secretive, but everyone has learned in their history classes about the Fourth Ninja War.
The last ninja war.
But today, we’re going to tell you some things that… you don’t know; that you didn’t learn in history class about the Fourth Ninja War.
Things that just might… Ruin History.
You probably all learned that the Fourth Great Ninja War was caused by Uchiha Madara, but I’m here to argue the real cause of the Fourth Great Ninja War was Danzo -
Fuck that guy!
- Shimura. Also known as… the worst.
Fuck. That guy.
Yeah. Fortunately, his name has been largely lost to history. We’re just going to drag him out to just…
Drag him through the mud.
Drag him through the mud.
So tell me about Danzo. Who was this guy?
Well, he considered himself the, like, “shadow leader” of the Hidden Leaf Village.
Okay, and who was the leader of the Hidden Leaf Village at this time?
Auuuhh, I think we was in the background throughout several Hokages. Definitely the Third, and the Fourth, and Fifth.
And he tried to make himself the Sixth Hokage, but fortunately, spoilers, he died before he could get that shit show too far down the road.
What? He died!?
Yeah! We need to talk about… some of his habits. Which included: aah, setting his ninjas on just, like, really terrible missions. And then trying to murder them, because he thought they’d betray him, when they had no intention of doing so, and then failing to murder them, causing them to betray him because he tried to murder them, after ruining their lives on these terrible missions. This was like a recurring thing that he did.
You’re talking about Kabuto?
He did it to Kabuto. He did it to Nagato - also known as Pain - he wasn’t a Hidden Leaf Ninja…
Yeah, I remember.
…but he wouldn’t have turned evil if Danzo hadn’t tried to murder him and his friends. And succeeded in murdering his best friend.
I remember Nagato from history class.
We covered, briefly, umm, Nagato and two other ninjas. His friends or something?
And they grew up in Hidden Rain I believe.
And then, they- didn’t they start Akatsuki? Or something? Some sort of weird named… evil group?
Yeah, that was Pain with - or Nagato - with Obito. And we’ll probably talk a bit about him.
Where Nagato was the face… like, the official leader of the organization. Obito- again we’ve got a lot of guys pulling the strings on this one.
That’s a ninja thing. I dunno.
See beneath the underneath.
See underneath the underneath.
So, another one of the “oh, these people will betray me, so I have to betray them first, ensuring that they will betray me when I fail ’cause I’m terrible” is [Danzo’s] murdering of the Uchiha clan.
Ooooh! He was behind that?
He was, if not the person who ordered it, among them and fully supported the murdering.
So, the Uchiha clan murders weren’t just… the rogue Uchiha Itachi I believe? They weren’t just him going off, killing everyone just ’cause he felt like it?
No. He was acting on orders-
- to do this. [Itachi’s] his own shit show.
(Wheeze) I’m not s- I don’t know how much of a rabbit hole we wanna go down with that guy, and all of his bad choices.
Oh man! He killed his entire family…
Mm-hmm. Except his brother.
…except for his younger brother. On orders.
Just - just give me a moment to, like-
Oh it gets worse!
- take it in. WHAT!?
It gets so much worse!
So, [Danzo] ordered them killed.
And then, he harvested their eyes.
Their eyes are special, right?
They’re very - like, special eyes. And implanted them into his own body.
Especially his arm, I believe?
I - Okay. I have so many QUESTIONS.
We’ll talk about the face growing out his shoulder too.
Yeah. In order to not reject the eyes, he had to… modify himself with another ninja. The First Hokage? So he implanted some Hashirama’s cells into own body, so he could accept the eyes. Which resulted in him growing Hashirama’s face out of, I believe it was his shoulder.
- I just. Okay. So-
So organ thefts. Body modification. But in the worst way.
Okay. I have some questions.
Okay. So I have a LOT of questions.
But I think my most pressing question is, if I remember my fifth grade history right-
-Hasirama was dead by the time Danzo lived? Like, by the time of the Third Hokage.
Hashirama was dead.
And yet. Cells?
This is a guarded ninja secret. I can’t explain the mechanics of it.
Like. I know that organ donation and stuff is not hard, but I thought, like, you at least had to be the same, like, family group? Or type? Or… have the - not your arm?!
Yeah, you’d think that planting eyes into muscle tissue like your arm would… not work. But.
Oh, so he could use the Uchiha special eye powers. Himself. Like avoiding death or something. I don’t know. (Wheeze). Well, ‘cause he was the worst! He was the worst.
Eugh. Okay. And he started the Fourth Ninja War?
Well, I think all of his oh-so-clever background machinations-
-really set the scene. All the people that he screwed over. Like Kabuto.
Oh we should probably talk about Kabuto.
Uh, [Kabuto’s] role in the Fourth Ninja War was largely, he summoned the enemy army.
Okay, yeah, they were a giant undead army right? Then-
Well, some of them were the… the Zetsus. The tree people.
But there was a large fighting force that were dead people brought back by Kabuto. And Kabuto wouldn’t have been fighting against the ninja countries’ alliance if he hadn’t been betrayed by Danzo.
Yeah, he sent him as a spy at, like, oh, seven years old or something. And then was like “Oh, this guy’s such a good spy; I need to murder him. Because he’s too good.” And then failed to murder him. Oh! And he had to do it using the person [Kabuto] loved the most to try and murder him. Just, like-
Yeah! This guy the woorst.
So that, ah, about - I dunno what portion of the enemy army was these dead people. But it was all their strongest fighters, for sure.
Kabuto, also, was into the… self experimentation. You think having eyeballs growing on your arm and a face coming out of your shoulder’s bad. Kabuto turned himself into a snake man? And he had a sna- snake- with a snake head- growing out of his. Stomach. Like, it wasn’t even a tail. It was an umbilical snake.
Wait. He had a snake growing out of his stomach?
Excuse me while I go puke.
You did NOT tell me this was going to be a body horror episode. I was not prepared for this.
Okay then. Okay then.
Okay. So tell me more about the Akatsuki people. Because most history books blame them for this war. Right? Like, they say that Madara Uchiha - who is possible not Madara Uchiha, or something? I dunno. It’s never really clear. That he threatened the Kages at their, like, meeting or something. And was like “I’m starting the Fourth Ninja War!” Like, most people blame it on him and the Akatsuki.
Okay, that… incident you’re talking about wasn’t Madara Uchiha. That was another member of the Uchiha clan, Obito -
-using Madara’s name.
And then later on, Madara was among the people resurrected.
And. He managed to - when the, um, the techniques was released, and all the other sprits were released, he managed to stay, and actually resurrect himself fully. So there’s two Madaras -
Running- Whoa. Okay.
Or two people using the name Madara; one of them is the actual Madara, one of them was Obito Uchiha using the name.
Okay. And Obito is the guy in the Akatsuki.
’Kay. I feel like I need one of those walls with all the red string.
(Wheeze). Yeah. That would help. And they would all point back to Danzo.
(Wheeze.) Okay! Connect Obito to Danzo.
I can’t connect Obito to Danzo. But we can connect him to Madara.
Beyond just him using his name. They did actually meet.
Before Madara died.
Wait. Like the original flavour-
Yes. OG Madara.
OG Madara and Obito met.
How the fuck did that happen.
Uh, they were- it was the Third Ninja War. Obito was believed to have been a casualty of that war.
Crushed- crushed under rocks.
Right. Yeah. I…
He gave his eye to the Sixth Hokage.
Okay. But not dead, apparently?
But not dead. He survived. Ah, was sort of nursed back to health by Madara. In his old age.
Okay. He would be, like, real old.
He was in his 70s, I believe.
Okay. Which, for ninjas that’s like-
For ninjas that’s. Yeah. Especially the, ah, early ninja lifespan. Like. Historical ninja lifespan.
Okay. Okay. Okay. SO!
We can connect Obito to Madara in that way. But, um, how Danzo fits in… I’m sure he does ‘cause Fuck That Guy. But how. I’m- I’m not sure.
Okay. Like. I- I think I have a theory here.
Something that I’ve just thought up just now.
But. You know me and conspiracy theories.
I- I love me a conspiracy theory.
Yes. Very true.
But what if. Madara and Danzo- Madara. Actual OG Madara, and Danzo, and Danzo were working together?
Pppppfff. Okay. That is supported by the fact that Madara- I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already- also had Hashirama’s face growing out of his shoulder. Or-
Oh my gosh!
-his chest. Somewhere. Just everyone wanted the first Hokage’s face.
It’s the new tattoo!
New popular tattoo!
Be on Instagram later. Just like “Instragram filter me with…Mada- (laughs) me with Hashirama’s face somewhere!”
(Laughs) Yeah. It’ll be. Very popular Instagram filter! I mean they had in common!
They did. And as I said earlier, like, my question about Harshirama was dead, how did they get the cells? Well Madara was a contemporary.
Yeah. They were… “friends”. Enemies to friends, to enemies.
Okay. So, what if Madara had some of the cells. Used it to, like, keep himself jiggy for longer.
Gave some to Danzo. Y’know. Proof that they’re working together.
That’s how Danzo got them to-
-grow a face.
But yeah! I think- I think that could be a thing. I think we could draw a connection between Madara and Danzo. And Danzo either working on Madara’s orders, or them working together and him influencing- Fuck that guy.
How much do the history books mention Kaguya?
I’m not sure they actually do.
The name doesn’t sound familiar?
The name doesn’t actually sound familiar. Like, maybe in a footnote? Or something? By, like, about Madara worshipping… the moon? Or something?
Yeah. No one actually saw Kaguya [during the Fourth Ninja War] except for the three or four ninjas who made it to the end of the fight. Everyone else was-
Oh, the Seventh Hokage, right?
Like in one of his weird memoirs - they’re super entertaining to read.
We had to read them at university at one point. And wooow those are hilarious-
He and his team-
- were the only ones who- who even saw her.
Okay. I obviously didn’t get to that point in his memoirs. Let’s be honest, who actually reads their university textbooks?
(Laughs) Okay. So tell me about Kaguya.
Well she… ahhhh was basically an alien. She’s from outer space. Ancient aliens… are real and they’re Kaguya.
Well, she came from another…
It’s finally ALIENS!?
It’s finally aliens!
What! This is like my birthday! You’re finally giving me aliens!?
Okay. Let’s- Let’s calm down. Let’s just bring it down.
Bring it down.
Next- Next year you’re going to say there was a ghost involved.
Well there- was an army of. Never mind.
Never mind I’m not saying it! Okay. Let’s keep going. Kaguya! Did you know that she was also referred to as the Bunny Goddess?
Wait. Wait I did hear about her in the-
Bunny. Yeah as in rabbits. As in cute little- cute little baby bunnies. Except not cute ‘cause she tried to murder humanity.
Yeah. It’s, like, Bunnicula. Only… on crack.
She didn’t have bunny years; it was actually more like horns? But they went straight up from her head. Enough of a rabbit-ear shape that she got the title of Bunny Goddess.
Oh! Okay then. Okay, so what- what was her part in all of this?
Well, she’s from way, way back ancient history. She- was the f- Hmmm. In a way the first ninja? She ate the chakra fruit and discovered chakra basically.
She wanted to keep it all for herself, and take it all without sharing it. And she was sealed in the moon by her sons? Yeah, her two sons.
And in this fight, after- kind of- well, actually it was the entire world- glad I wasn’t there for that- were all pulled into the Infinite Tsukiyomi. So, like I said, they didn’t see her. But she managed to be resurrected.
Yeah! There is, ah, if you read far enough in the Seventh Hokage’s journals-
See, you actually did your reading for that class didn’t you!
There is- There’s a bit of- There’s some GOLD.
So she is the first chakra user.
And, and at this point she was siphoning off the chakra of everyone trapped in the Tsukiyomi- so everyone on the planet! Except for these four people.
And they couldn’t, um, land any hits. They couldn’t touch her at all. And then-
-Seventh Hokage reveals his- his ultimate attack.
That, uh, he, according to the notes, practiced more than even his signature Rasengan move.
Wait, what is this?
He called it “The Reverse Harem No Justu”-
It involved him using Shadow Clone technique to multiply himself- and then using his- ah, other original technique- (laughs) An original technique of his called “Sexy No Jutsu”. He normally in Sexy No Jutsu turned himself into a sexy woman. But for Reverse Harem, turns himself into a sexy man. Except remember, there’s many of him, and they’re all turned into different sexy men.
Okay, I would just like to say that that would take a lot of skill.
Yes. Like I said, he practiced it, according to his notes, a lot.
What did he do as many sexy men?
It was very distracting! And he managed to land the first hit of the fight. Solid punch to the face. With this technique-
But when he was practicing?
-as a distraction.
Sorry, I’m kind of “him practicing” a lot.
Yeah. I imagine he just does it, like, I dunno, in the shower?
Before he goes to bed? First thing in the morning?
So many sexy men!
Wow! Every fangirl’s dream.
Mm-hmm. So Madara Uchiha was not the- the big boss of the war.
It was actually Bunny Goddess.
But if she was dead, or sealed or whatever, how was she, like, resurrected? Like- like- So it was Danzo’s fault?
Well everything is Danzo’s fault. That guys is the woooooooooorst.
Eugh. Fuck that guy.
I- I said this. Madara was believed to have been the big bad. He was largely recognised as the big bad. In fact it was Kaguya. But my whole argument all along has been the real villain here is Danzo.
And thankfully he died.
I’m so happy.
So good! Like wow! Oh man. Whoa, can you imagine that guy as the actual Sixth Hokage?
He- He tried to claim that role. He put on the hat for a little while, but whoo boy. So glad he died before he could really cement himself in power.
Okay. So, how did he die?
To talk about how he died, we need to go back and talk about Itachi.
Oh that guy!
Yeah. Because this- this all starts to revolve around Itachi’s younger brother. But to explain that, we need to talk about Itachi. Himself. And that shit show. Right there.
I wanna know about the guy who killed his entire clan- apparently with help!
Yes. He did have help. He was believed to have done it alone for- for a very long time, for several years after the incident. It was later revealed that Obito, probably calling himself Madara, just to make things extra-
-confusing, did help him.
Okay. But still. Slaughtered his entire clan. But he left his younger brother alive.
He left his bro- younger brother alive. The notes on this are a bit sketchier. The Seventh Hokage mentions it a bit. The brother, Sasuke-
-has a few journals. They’re fewer. They’re, ah, they’re a slog to read. This guy has no sense of timing. Like comedic ti- like-
Sasuke, you’re talking about?
Bit of a slog.
Okay! Guy sounds like a bit of a slog?
Yeah. So between those, I’ve pieced together a bit of a timeline of events. So Itachi, on orders-
But, with the appearance of acting independently, murders his entire family.
Right! ‘Cause you can’t have, like, Counselman Danzo-Fuck-That-Guy implicated in any of this.
No. And it was believed that the Uchiha were planning a coup. That this act would stop a civil war from breaking out. That was the excuse for it.
Still not okay. Especially with the weird eye harvesting, body horror.
Yeah! So, let’s not give Danzo’s motivations benefit of the doubt here. He really wanted those eyes!
[Itachi] murders his entire clan, except for his younger brother, because he- well, didn’t want to murder his brother. Loved the kid… Question mar- No. It’s not a question mark. But. Let’s just say that, ah, maybe it was better if he loved him a little bit less?
Probably would have ended up better for Sasuske if he’s been just a little bit less loved.
Okay, so he loved his little brother so much that he didn’t want to kill him. But his parents could just, like, whatever?
Yeah, he murdered his parents. In front of his brother!
-the brother that he loved.
-no, no. I rem- I read my notes wrong. He didn’t murder them in front of the brother. But! When his brother came in to the scene of their murder, he placed him under one of the Uchiha techniques. An illusion where he forced seven year- his seven year old brother, at the time, to watch him murder his family. Repeatedly. Like, on a loop.
And remember, this is the kid that he loves the most.
Yeah. Yeah- he had to make it look, as part of the cover that he was doing this independently, make it look real?
I just. I just.
I have legitimately have trouble following this guy’s decision making chain of thought.
Wow. Okay. Okay!
And there was also a, um, a matter that he was trying to toughen his brother up. Because he was still living in the village. With Danzo.
Fuck that guy.
Fuck that guy. So he knew that his brother, as a member of this clan, would still be…
Well- ah, it’s not targeted. At least under suspicion. Under sort of scrutiny all his life.
But he wanted- so he wanted him to grow up and be strong. And he- he egged his brother on to come after himself. Because that would help protect the village and his brother? At the same time? Somehow? There’s a lot of question marks. Just photoshop in all the question marks right now.
(Laughs) And then. The first time [Itachi] sees his brother several years later. ‘Cause he’s- the brother’s now a ninja in the village.
Y’know. Lowest level; genin.
They- they run into each other again. And he proceeds to, once again, put him under this special illusion technique. Force him to watch the murder of his clan again. Completely re-traumatises this maybe adolescent- I think pre-adolescent child. Notes say he goes into an extended coma after this. When he wakes up, the brother, Sasuke, then betrays the village and leaves. Which is exactly what Itachi wasn’t- was trying to prevent. But caused. Because love? Somehow?
Yeah. I w- this is the brother that he loved, like, the most in the entire world-
-right? That he refused to kill when Danzo was like “murder everybody.”
I just. I- I actually don’t have words.
Yeah. So the one thing he was trying to do was protect the brother and the village. He completely fucked it up. And totally traumatised his brother. And actually set him against the village- especially after he found out that the village caughDanzo had ordered the massacre to begin with.
Eugh. Sometimes a little less underneath the underneath.
A little more surface level would be great?
I’m so glad I’m not a ninja.
They’re so cool! And then…
Eugh. Okay. So-
Did you- did you try to get into the ninja academy when you were- ‘cause you have to start at, like, five.
Yeah no. I- I couldn’t find the ninja village at five.
I think I was still, like, playing with blocks at five.
Probably not blocks. I dunno. I think I was talking to my invisible friends.
(Wheeze) You were probably playing with ghosts.
Your ghost action figures.
I hate you.
(Wheeze) Okay. But how do we connect Itachi… ’Kay, we connected Itachi to Danzo.
How did Itachi die? And how did Danzo die? We didn’t, like, go over that.
Well, Itachi was not well. Because of his, uh, overuse of his Uchiha eye technique, he was going blind. He- he might have been sick? I’m- It’s a little unclear how much this affected his overall health. He was definitely loosing his sight. According to what I’ve read, when an Uchiha goes blind, from- in this way, the way to restore their sight is to take someone else’s eyes. More eye stealing.
Oh my god.
More eye stealing than you expected in this?
Way more eye stealing than I expected.
I didn’t expect any eye stealing at all. Like-
apparently eyes are a valuable commodity.
So, he was possibly only pretending to want to steal his brother’s eyes. Possibly he actually wanted to. This is part of the whole “I love you by pretending I hate you. But I pretend way too much.”
Way to hard!
Way too hard! Because he had fostered such a strong resentment and hatred of himself in his brother-
-From his brother towards himself. They had a fight.
Itachi died. It’s unclear whether he succumbed to his wounds or his illness. And [later] Sasuke was also beginning to succumb to the blindness. And so he took Itachi’s eyes. So. One more for the- the eye counter.
*Ding* What are we at here? Okay- no. Danzo’s got, like-
-a million on his own. Obito gave up his eye. He did that willingly. This is the one willing eye transfer.
You don’t think Itachi was willing?
Itachi might have been willing, but he was also dead. So.
(Laughs) Death does not equal consent, people.
No. Not when it comes to harvesting organs.
Okay. So- so we’ve killed off [Kaguya], one villain of this story. Weird, weird-ass villain.
Oh right! You asked how Danzo died.
Yes please! Give me the juice!
So it wasn’t until after this, that Sasuke, the brother, finds out that Danzo was- oh surprise- the worst, fuck that guy; the actual person behind the whole massacre. So he-
-goes and fights Danzo. And kills him. Which, thank goodness for that.
Okay, so Sasuke kills Danzo.
Yeah. Danzo- this is when- this is when we get to see the eyes he’s implanted on his body. The face he has growing out of him- his body. He still loses to Sasuke.
Oh! I’m impressed.
In conclusion. (laughs) Sexy men save the world.
And fuck Danzo.
Sexy men! And fuck that guy! Thank you very much for coming to Ruining History the Fourth Ninja War.
Yep. So much more eye transplants than you were expecting.
I hope you learned something that you didn’t know before, because I certainly did! See you next time, when we cover: how in fact, the Green Lantern Colour Spectrum actually works.
Oh no! (Laugh) We talk about the emotional colour spectrum. It needs a new name.
(Laughs) The end.
We hope you enjoyed this work. If you did, please leave us a comment. You can-
Tell us where you would want Hashirama’s face growing out of your body. Full size.
Yeah. Full size; it doesn’t shrink. Haa- yeah. And yeah… you can, y’know, leave us feedback on AO3. AO3 dot org slash users slash either Opalsong-
Yep. Yeah. Thank you for listening.
[Bloopers and Gag Reel]
-That you didn’t learn in history class about the Fourth Ninja War.
This that just might… Ruin History.
Ba Dump CHHH (Laughs) Name drop!
Madara Uchiha or Uchiha Madara? This is important.
Uh. Uchiha Madara. Let’s go with the Japane- Buzzfeed wouldn’t go with the Japanese-
Okay. Buzzfeed fusion. Okay.
Side note! Uh post, whatever, edit side note. “Drag him through the mud” is a hilarious pun because Syr and I did a mud run- a 6K mud run today.
I dragged myself through a lot of mud.
(Laughs) Auh, it was-
I got rope burn.
I’m pretty sure I still have mud in my ears and my eyes and my sinuses.
I’m sorry! That was really amazing!
It was all Black Zetsu fault!
Yeah… We’re not blaming things on Black Zetsu. We’re blaming things on Danzoooo!
I want that Instagram filter!
So we could-
I desperately want that Instagram filter!
I desperately don’t. Desperately. Don’t want that.
Where would you have Danzo’s face growing out of?
Eugh. Don’t say your penis.
This is a full size face. This isn’t a little mini-face. There’s no shrinking. It’s just. Entire face or bust; where would you have it?
Mm-hmm. Life size.
Face or bust, right? Face on bust?
Face on bust.
(Laughs) Don’t do it. Nope.