i wish i could've told you what happened when it happened, when you asked. every time
you asked. then maybe we wouldn't be so far apart right not. i really wanted to but...
do you ever have so much to say but you can't find the right words, or the words
can never seem to leave your mouth? even when you wanna shout at the top of your lungs,
nothing comes out. i haven't told anyone if that makes a difference. i found the right
words after a lot of time spent in my head. they have yet to land on any ears
because then it'd be real, and i'm not ready for it to be real yet.
not when i have to face the consequences alone, without your comforting scent or warm chest
to fall back on. you forgot a few things when you left, some tattered old uni sweaters.
i liked to believe that you left them on purpose, because you were coming back.
but you'd be back by now, right? i know they're nothing special, that you can afford finer
things in life, but i still have hope you'll return.. and be here, next to me, and i won't have to
inhale the remnants of your scent on clothes that should've been washed a long time ago.
instead, i'll smell like you. i wish for that a lot.
it's been about three months since
you've left we've been apart and i wonder how you are. it's crazy that
we used to know each other so well. from our daily schedules to what we were feeling to what was
on our minds. mine was easy though, always about you or dance. now i don't even know
where you are. i hope we're under the same sky still. i wonder if you've read any of the messages i
sent before they stopped sending. i decided to send letters because i know you'll get them at the
studio. i wanted to give you space, know how you don't like to be smothered when you're not
in the mood, but i couldn't. i need you to know that i miss you every day and i'm gonna wait until you're
ready. to forgive me and meet me in person. until then, every letter means that i'm still here and i still
love you. a lot has changed since the last time we saw each other: i finally moved out of
the apartment (everything feels so much bigger without you there), i
was fired stopped teaching dance and
haven't danced in awhile. there's not much room for pirouettes, nonetheless, stretching in my
new place. i heard about your comeback with namjoon and hoseok hyung. i can't wait for
the album. i know it'll be amazing, but i hope you're not working too hard. but because you're you,
i hope there's someone who'll remind you to eat and sleep when you've logged in too many hours.
please take care of yourself, i don't know what i'd do if something were to happen to you.
i think it's real now and it's too late to fix. the signs have been there but i've just been
too deep into my head to notice. i want to tell you, but in person. i'm really scared
to go through this alone. can i please come see you?
if i were brave enough, i would go to your studio and ask to see you, but i
know that your studio is your space and i'm afraid that'd be crossing a line. all i want
is just five minutes of your time, do you have that much to spare?
the words are eating me alive. they remind me of what happened and sometimes when
i close my eyes, it's like i'm there again. and it's happening again.
those are the times when i cry out for you the most. wishing your arms were around me,
our legs tangled up, my face resting on your neck and your voice in my ear.
i'm ready to tell you now, but not like this. you don't even have to see me. especially considering
what i have to tell you. my number is the same, please give me a call. i promise it's important.
yours forever, jimin-ah
i would write down what i have to say to you, but i don't think i'm prepared to have the words
written out in front of me. please call me so that the words can disappear into the air
and we'll never have to speak of it again. please call me so i can see you. i wish
we took more pictures together. i'm starting to forget what we look like.
the reason why i moved out was because i couldn't afford rent anymore. i've been unemployed
for sometime now. i don't teach dance anymore because i was fired. they didn't want someone
like me to ruin their good reputation. someone like me, an unmated pregnant omega. i didn't believe them
when they said my scent smelled different. i blamed the exhaustion and sluggishness from lack
of sleep. but i started showing last month and i couldn't deny it anymore.
it hurts to tell you like this, and i wish i didn't have to tell you at all but
when i came home that night, the same night you came home early to surprise me,
i was raped hyung. i was walking home from my last classes and suddenly someone had my
chest against one of the brick walls of the shops. i couldn't see anything but
he they were alphas.
i could tell by their scents, it was nauseating. i promise i tried to fight back because i'm yours
only yours, but i was already so
tired and they were so strong. the next thing i knew, my pants were down and my shirt was torn.
they were so rough hyung, it hurt so bad. i remember crying and screaming, but no one
came. i was drifting in and out when they left and i collapsed on the sidewalk.
i felt so disgusting, so ashamed of myself. i found my bag and changed back into the sweaty clothes
and threw everything else away. i was hoping i'd have time to shower before you got home,
but you were already waiting for me. and you knew something was wrong.
i know how it looked and that's why i could never blame you for leaving so abruptly.
i don't know what i'd do either if after three years together, you came home and were drenched in someone
else's scent with no explanation. i would've left me too. it's a good thing you didn't want to mate yet,
wanting to wait until we both had our shit together. i don't think i ever will though.
i don't know which one i'm more afraid of, you never reading this and continuing to live thinking
i cheated on you or you reading this and looking at me differently.
i'm sorry for so many things. i hope one day, i can apologize in person.
it's times like these when i wish that i was more outgoing before i met you.
maybe then i'd have a shoulder to lean on, someone to tell all my worries to right now.
instead, i leave them on the shoulders of a still developing boy or girl (i haven't
asked yet). it's times like this when i miss seokjin-hyung's cooking, namjoon-hyung's advice,
hoseok-hyung's uplifting attitude, and taehyungie and jungkook-ah's antics.
(and you, but i always miss you.)
i wish i didn't lose them all when i lost you too, but i only had the pleasure of meeting them
because of you (thank you for introducing us because some of my best memories are with them).
i hope they're all doing well. i try to watch their performances online or look for their shows or anything,
but time goes by so fast. i found a job! it's under the books, a cleaning gig. the fumes
aren't too bad and the labor isn't anything i can't handle. i know you're not, but
i'm telling you not to worry anyways.
we'll i'll be okay.
i found out that i'm having a girl.
i don't know who's it is but i hope she's yours. i don't know what to
name her. do you have any suggestions? she'll be here in about three months.
please respond by then or she will be nameless, haha, just kidding.
congratulations on your album! i bought a copy even though i have nothing to play
it on. i play some of your old soundcloud tracks at night. the baby finds it
calming. those are the nights i sleep the best.
i wonder if you've kept that account there for me because you have another one
for your fans. i want to think it's for me, but i don't want to jinx it.
maybe you can sign my album one day.
i think it's getting bad again.
it's strange to have these thoughts and be completely aware of the fact that this is
what i want. i'm not going to kill myself nor do i want to. i can't bring myself to
abandon sunhee (i picked out a name), but sometimes, like right now,
i just don't wanna be here anymore. i feel like i'm in front of life, running as fast as i can
trying to keep first place, but then i stop. catch my breath, look around and wait, but i see no
one. because i'm not in front. i'm behind. i'm so far behind and the realization hits me hard, that i
am not worthy of being brought along. sometimes all the days merge together and
before i know it, a whole week has passed. those are the weeks where i forget
to write, but i'm still here. i wish there was something that made me happy to get up in
the morning, something besides hoping i'll see your name light up on my phone.
i hope it hasn't been bad for you lately.
can we please meet up somewhere?
i know you're busy, but it won't take long.
i wish you were here. i wish that all the time but especially today. i wish your
sweaters still smelled like you. i had some really bad cravings today
and i could only get them at the grocery store near our old apartment.
i haven't been around that area in awhile, the memories have faded but they're still
there. i tried to make the trip as quick as possible. it was going well, but
then i smelled him. if my senses weren't heightened due to the pregnancy, i
might've missed it. but there it was. the smell of leather, just a few aisles over.
it's hard to forget a scent that took two weeks of showers to rub off. half of me
wanted to walk over and take a peek at what he looked like, the alpha that took everything
away from me. but suddenly my legs were on auto-pilot walking back to my
apartment. i've lived here for a few months, but you'll always be home.
i miss your whiskey scent, long for it be mixed with mine.
it's been awhile since my last letter, i apologize for that. i'm still here.
you might not have even noticed because you're touring right now, but i just want you to know.
i'm happy you get the opportunity to travel the world. i'm kinda jealous of all the people
that will meet you, the current you. i wonder if i'll ever get to meet this version of you and if you'll
ever meet the current version of me. i wonder if you'll like him as much as you
loved liked the old me.
will you even recognize me? maybe if i'm brave enough, i'll send a picture
along with the next letter.
maybe you could see into the future, or maybe something in your gut warned you
not to mate with me. i'm kinda of glad we didn't because i heard that the
pain that comes from being away from your mate is so unbearable
you could die. the separation hurts so bad that you can feel your heart breaking.
imagine dying from heartbreak? i've never seen real reported cases of it
ever happening, but the mornings when i wake up from dreams
that you star in and i look over and see an empty space next to me,
i think it's possible. i can't imagine how much worse it would be,
but i think i'm already pretty close anyways.
sunhee has arrived! and
she looks just like you i wish you were here
i'm scared. i don't know if i can take care of her.
she's already my best friend, and i love her so much,
but a part of me is worried she's also
theirs his. her own scent is faint
so i can't tell yet.
childbirth wasn't that bad, but i supposed it's because
i've felt worse pain than that.
sorry if my letters have been few and far in between,
sunhee isn't a fussy baby, she's truly a blessing, but she cries a lot when
i'm not there and i can't always be there when i have to work for us.
i'm grateful for the girl-next-door that doesn't mind watching her while she
finishes her homework. she'll feed sunhee her own food sometimes too.
i wish i could pay her more. wish that more people could be like her.
after a long day, i just collapse onto bed next to sunhee.
there have been a lot of long days.
i was able to buy one of those film cameras, the roll is only big enough for 24
pictures. inclosed are 12, they're all of her.
i just wanted someone else to see her, to look at her with fondness and not of
disgust when they see her in hand-me-downs or smelling just like me.
sunhee's smile is so much brighter in person. her laugh has
the ability to make storms stop. i want to protect her and her innocence with my life.
i'm happy that no matter what, she looks at me with love. at least for now,
i lost my job but luckily i had enough saved for emergencies
to go see you.
i was able to find a studio apartment, big enough just for the two of us, but i wasn't
allowed to move in for another two weeks.
i begged my old landlord for an extension but i came back to my stuff left in front of the
garbage. i tried to carry all i could, but sunhee comes first so excuse my appearance
if you see me before i pick myself back up. sunhee's baby bag only carries
so much. i locked the door of the bus station bathroom and that's where we slept
for the time being. i don't think i've ever felt so worthless before.
but sunhee still looks at me like i can do no wrong. even when
i have to bathe her in the sink or when i have to distract her because we
don't have enough formula for the day. she even knows when i'm stressed, nuzzling
into my neck and trying to calm me down as she falls asleep on my chest.
she's the best thing in my life
but you're still very high on the list
i don't want to be down,
don't want sunhee to be able to tell i am not at my best.
i know it gets better. i've told myself that so many times i've
started to believe it. so my question is not does it get better,
i'm dying to know who sunhee belongs to.
i was always too curious for my own good, huh? i have decided to look for him.
it took me about three weeks after telling myself that and actually doing it.
i've started walking around the old neighborhood, actually hoping
i might smell him. sunhee get excited when we go on walks, always so
happy to see outside the walls of our home. it was a whole week of
strolling the streets before i got desperate.
i started to walk back to the place where it happened.
i think i was really panicking because even sunhee started crying. it
was hard to get her to stop. we went to the convenience store across the
street and i splurged on some sweets (i brushed her teeth
twice that night, don't worry). but when we were leaving,
i noticed that the store had a security camera.
that's a story for another time perhaps.
i built the courage up and asked my neighbor to watch sunhee for the night. she's an alpha,
a little old in age but already so protective of sunhee. i almost backed out on my way to the
store but i want closure. i deserve that much. i asked to see the security tapes
but the manager, an alpha, saw no good reason as to why i should. he said he had seen me walking around
the previous days before with sunhee and no mate. i told him it was urgent, and that if
he still had the tapes from that night, he'd understand. i ended up giving him everything in my wallet
(it wasn't much, don't worry) once i found out that all their security footage was backed onto a hard drive.
he told me to come back in a bit, once they closed so the beta in the front could also
accompany them, for safety purposes. i'm glad because i haven't been alone in a room with
an alpha in a while. i told him the date it happened. he started looking for the files.
i didn't realize how anxious i was, so deep in thought that i might be able to put faces to scents.
the manager said he spotted me and played that part of the tape.
it's one thing to be apart of something, to actually experience it, but it's another thing to watch.
there were three of them hyung. two came up from behind me and another one came
out of nowhere. i couldn't see anything because they put a bag over my head. my screams were
so loud, maybe they got off on that. maybe no one came to help because they didn't want that
to be them. i understand, they were all so big. i don't know how i made it out alive to be honest.
they each had a little bit of their fun, and somehow, i think it could've been worse.
i could've been kidnapped, or killed even. we watched until the end, until they left me there
catching my breath, holding onto consciousness. the manager paused it. it wasn't until he turned
around that i noticed the look on his face, sorrow? pity? i didn't see nor smell the beta
until i heard crying outside the room. the manager copied that night onto
a flash drive for me. i could tell he had a lot to say, could tell by his bitter scent.
but in the end, he told me i should report it, that no one should ever have to go through
that in life. he also gave me my money back.
i left with a nice weight off my shoulders, but the flash drive sits so heavy in my pocket.
do you think i should go to the police?
i heard your tour got extended longer. i know you secretly like performing,
having whole arenas scream your own words back to you.
your hair looks really good. you look so cool with the platinum blond.
quite a change from your black hair
sunhee has black hair like you.
i try not to search you up, afraid of what i might accidentally see.
i might be delusional, but in my head, it's still me and you.
just thinking of you infuriates me.
why did you just leave? why haven't you tried to talk to me?
don't you want to know? what happened? how i'm doing?
i thought you meant it, when you said you loved me. i hate watching
your life from the nosebleeds when i used to be backstage.
i hate how i can't sleep sometimes because i'll think of you and suddenly
all the memories come flooding back. i hate how i think i'll
never forget you. hate that i am nothing to you.
but then again, i really am nothing. so dirty and used.
who am i to deserve you?
i wonder if you've been seeing anyone. part of me doesn't want you to,
because i'm selfish and i want you back. because three years wasn't
enough and i want more. but part of me hopes someone keeps
you warm at night. keeps a smile on your face and your stomach filled.
your happiness is all i really want for you.
sunhee talks a lot, well, babbles. i have full on conversations with her.
she told me to go to the police too. so does ms. lee, the alpha next door. she
actually threatened me to go to the police or she'd find them herself.
she's funny. i think you'd like her.
sunhee tries to rap along to some of your songs. i think you'd
like her too.
i went to the police. it's funny? to have everyone watch the clip of that night
and feel... nothing? i waited before coming forward because i thought
i'd be more embarrassed? that they'd be disgusted. that they told me i deserved it
because what unmated omega walks home alone. i'm supposed to know better and
all that. but the mood of the precinct turned really solemn. you should've seen the looks on some
of their faces. i'm pressing charges but i won't get my hopes up. hope all is well, with you and everybody.
i don't have anything else to say except i miss you. so much that it consumes me.
i wonder if you ever miss me, even just a little bit. we had a lot of good times before
it slowly got bad. i want to blame those last few months on the fact that you were away so
much, always in the studio or out with the guys, but i didn't have to do the same.
it's just, it got so frustrating waiting up for you to come home and then i'd wake up
on the couch to a message saying you were sleeping there. it was hard to stay home when you weren't there.
every time we saw each other, i just wanted to blow up in front of your face, i wanted to fight so
bad but i was scared that if we fought,
you one of us would leave. so i just stayed longer at work...
pretended to be asleep already those times you did come home early. maybe if i didn't do that,
we wouldn't be where we are now. maybe we should've fought, funny how we're both so good at leaving.
they found them. i have to go in to identify them. it's a bit cruel, don't you think? to put them away,
i have to be in the same room as them and pick out their scents. to say
"yes officer, it was these three alphas who violated me in ways no one should ever be touched."
i wonder if it's too late to take it all back.
they're known as the kang brothers. the police have been looking for them for awhile now
i don't know what's scarier, that they've done this multiple times before or the fact
that there are people out there who do such unspeakable acts ..for fun. they said i could put them away
forever, i just have to testify. is it bad if i don't want to? testify? it's selfish, right? i'm scared,
to see them, for them to see me, for everyone to see the footage of what happened.
i'm scared that sunhee will know one day. wish you were here to tell me what i should do.
that it's okay. that i'm still me, the me before all this happened.
have you heard about the case? it's gotten pretty big, a lot of lawyers have contacted me,
wanting to represent me pro-bono. i went with this alpha, she's kind, but fierce.
she even got them to make the kangs take these suppressants so i wouldn't smell them at arraignment.
i've only ever seen them on the tape, but not this close up. they're frightening, even without their
overpowering scents. i didn't make eye contact with them, but their eyes were boring holes
into my body. i'm pretty sure i was shaking and i'm pretty sure they noticed. i snuck a peak when
they were talking to the lawyers. they look the opposite of what they are. they look
like your next-door neighbor, or that nice parent who offers to give you a ride home.
they don't look like rapists
they look like they'd be good mates in all honesty. very big, very protective. they scream alpha.
i wonder if alphas will ever make me feel safe again.
the trial starts in a few days. i haven't been outside since arraignment.
bail was set at $250k and they made it. it's like they knew they'd need it. i was able to get a restraining
order but the cons of a restraining order is that they know the general area of where i live.
ms. lee has been picking up groceries for me. the only good thing that's come out of this is
that i've been able to spend more time with sunhee. she said her first word a little
while ago. i'll let you guess what it was. she talks a lot, or well babbles and says stuff that
sounds close to words. i wish i could provide more for her. she's so innocent, i never want her to
grow up and learn that people aren't as loving as the characters in the books i
read to her. i never want her to know what hurt is. her smile rivals the sun
sorry i haven't written. law and order is not how trials go in real life unfortunately. not
everything happens so quick. being on stand is quite nerve wrecking. the kangs must be
loaded because their defense lawyer is coming with the punches. sometimes he makes me think
i deserved it. he said my scent was so overpowering that it made them go crazy.
that it's really a compliment that they wanted me. that i should've thanked them for showing
me what i was missing out on, being mateless and all. i hope they don't bring
sunhee up, hope she'll never have to get anywhere near the courthouse.
they showed the footage today. i want to tell you that i was brave and that i didn't cry but
then I'd be lying. i've seen the clip of that night a few times before and
never felt too much except pity for whoever that was with the bag over their head.
i guess i tricked myself into thinking that wasn't me, just some poor soul who was
caught at the wrong place at the wrong time. it's hard to do that when the whole courtroom
is silent and the only thing that can be heard are my cries. part of me was hoping the jury
would pity me, the other part just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
it feels like a nightmare that i'll never wake up from. i hope this is all over soon.
i wonder if you heard about the conviction. all members of the jury found them guilty,
but i think someone found out that i had a daughter and leaked that fact. poor unmated,
single father omega, who wouldn't feel bad. it made the national news. i asked them to
leave my name and face out of it though. i'd rather be a nobody than recognized for that.
i know you're on hiatus right now, so i wonder where you are. wonder if we're under the same sky.
how are the others? i think about them a lot. they were the only real family i had
after the car accident. sometimes, when i'm really down, i remember that night when
my parents, jihyun and i were on our way back home from dinner and how in a few seconds,
they were all gone, just like that. i'm curious as to why i didn't go with them you know,
what was i meant to do here on earth that kept me alive. what's my purpose? why did i get to live when
they deserved it more? it's a harsh spiral downwards and i can't stop the
thoughts from getting progressively worse. then sunhee will do something, walk with her chubby legs
or giggle or say appa, and in an instant, i am the happiest person alive,
if just for that moment. i really want you to meet her.
i did something and the results will come soon.
hoping for the best outcome! sorry this is so short,
there are times when i want to stop writing these letters because
i know you don't read them. but at the same time, this feels like a diary that i
never have to reread. i can just vent or clear my head. i know that's
what friends are for, but ms. lee might never agree to watch sunhee again
if she hears me going off about the same things all the time.
although she might hear me when i talk out loud... the walls are thin.
how are you the cause of my pain but also the relief of them?
the world works in mysterious ways, truly.
i have good news and bad news.
the results came back. you're probably asking 'what results', right? i didn't
want the kang brothers' money. i wouldn't be able to sleep or eat well
knowing that it came from money they gave me
because they stripped me of my humanity and were found guilty. i only asked for a dna sample from each
of them. so the good news: you're a father. congratulations! sunhee's yours. and my heart
feels so incredibly light. but the bad news. for someone that is half you, she is also half me.
and for that, i am sorry. she deserves better, i know. i thought about leaving
her in the front of bighit with the dna results tucked into her suitcase so she can
have the life that she is worthy of, but i am selfish. you have everything, and she's all i have.
maybe one day, you'll forgive me for keeping her from you.
still yours wishing you well,
i've been trying so hard to remember you, remember us. but i think it's time
i start forgetting. the days are so long but the years are so short.
sunhee's already two, which means we haven't been together for almost
three years. that's almost as long as the time that we were together.
i can't keep looking through my mail and waiting for an envelope with your
name on it. i bought a pack of 25 stamps so i'll only send 25 more letters and
by the end, if i still haven't heard from you, then i know it's over for real.
maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, i'll find out.
sunhee is quite a remarkable baby. ('appa, 'm not a baby anymore!')
i think she's much smarter than other babies.
if she's not with ms. lee, she's at the library with me. i'm so thankful she's such an easy
to please person (a whole person!). she's also very quiet, but in a way that's
comforting. i'd like to brag that no other two year old behaves so well in a place that
doesn't allow talking. it's the cutest thing in the world though when she wants
to tell me something. she'll tug at my pants so i lean down and then she'll
go right up to my ear, hands cupped around her mouth and whisper so soft
that i'll usually need her to repeat it a few more times. and she does, but not
without making her infamous pout.
i think she gets that from you.
i have a confession. i just need to get it off my chest so bare with me.
carrying sunhee was so hard. unplanned pregnancies don't come
with how-to manuals on how to embrace a journey you aren't
happy having. no one shows you how to love a baby you didn't want.
i blame some of it on the mood swings because there were times
when i had nothing but adoration in my heart for her, but then other times,
it was difficult to stay healthy so she could be
when she was born, i cried. because i finally came face-to-face with
the obstacle that got in the way of my career, my goals in life. i remember taking
her home and she looked at me with her big brown eyes and saw comfort.
someone to latch onto, someone to take care of her, someone she could trust.
but all i saw was past trauma and future exhaustion. all my fears and downfalls
in her orbs. however, i came to realize that she is the person that has helped me
grow the most. she is the reflection of how far i have come. of how
capable and determined i am. how strong i have to be. i feel guilty for every
second that i didn't want her. i know it's not my fault and i know she doesn't know,
but i will spend all of my life making up for it.
i've recently learned that not all children are little bundles of innocence.
sunhee has learned that too. we were at a park not too far from our
building and a couple kids were playing with her in the sand box.
some were a little older than her, but i know she can hold her own.
perhaps it was my mistake of making myself known when the other parents were
around. they all know who i am, of what happened and they think she
belongs to one of them. i've never had the time to put posters up around
the neighborhood announcing the fact that she is 100% mine, but frankly
it's none of their business. i hate that the parents took their kids away from us
and hate even more how some of the kids called her names once they found out.
disgusting they said, dirty, tainted, spoiled. i pretended they said that about me to make
it hurt less, but what broke the dam was when the kids told her they didn't want to
play with her anymore. i know that's my fault. but like i've said before, she's stronger than
me, stronger than any kid her age should be. she just said okay, walked over to me and
asked me to play with her. i give you my word, that until my dying breath, i'm going to try
my best to give her the world.
i hope you're in it.
i saw a movie that was about a company that could erase your memories.
i wish it was real, but who would i be if a part of my mind wasn't
occupied by you? some parts of me were brought out because of
having known you. so is it better to have loved and lost or to have never
loved at all? i still don't know the answer to this question, but i think whoever
chose the latter was not loved.. not the way you loved me.
if i had to describe how it felt in one word, it'd be warm. like when you get
out of the ocean and the sun's rays dry you right up. like when you
take clothes right out of the dryer and press it against your body.
like holding a cup of hot chocolate after being in the cold and feeling
your hands defrost. i wonder what it felt like to you.
this is a special one. sunhee has started to be very interested in
drawing so i have included some of her best pieces.
she thinks i'm going to hang these up, but our walls are already
filled so she won't notice these missing.
her crayon box only has 12 colors so just in case you can't
tell what they are, she came up with some captions too.
1. "food i like: ice cream, japchae and ramyeon"
2. "food i do not like: spinach"
3. "before appa cut my hair ٩(^▿^)۶"
4. "after appa cut my hair ಠ_ಠ"
5. "the cat i see (and feed, sorry appa) in the alley"
6. "ms. lee's face when she snores"
i couldn't really tell at first either but once she told me what they
were, you could see it.
i don't know if you heard, but one of the kang brothers was
jumped in prison. apparently it was during their free hour outside.
a guard overheard their conversation. no one knew what he was in for
except that it was bad enough for him to get 25 to life. i think he liked
power because they said he threatened other inmates with what
got him locked up so they would do his chores or give him what their loved ones
would send them. they all thought he killed someone or something so one
afternoon, someone asked him. he laughed and said he raped a bunch
of omegas. i don't think they liked that answer because he had to be transported
to the hospital. they beat him up so bad that he's almost unrecognizable.
when everyone was restrained and brought back inside to be dealt with, the guard
had asked why. one of them said that there were reasons as to why some of them were
in prison. they stole because they needed food or money, they put someone in
the hospital or killed them out of defense, etc. but there is no reason whatsoever
to rape someone. especially an innocent. they collectively agreed that even if
the person was somewhat deserving of torture, that there are less cruel
ways to hurt someone. i don't know how i feel
except a bit relieved. but is it
wrong that i want to go to that prison and thank every single one of them?
i can sleep a little easier knowing that light can be found even in dark corners.
i decided to take some money out of my savings to take sunhee
on her first vacation. we're going to visit her grandparents and uncle.
i'm nervous for her questions about death and dying. why we die, where
we go after, what happens. i'm excited to show her the sea though.
enjoy this postcard from busan.
remember when we went there?
i think time really does heal all wounds. the only downside is
that no one tells you how much time is needed. i'm slowly letting you
go. the memories are a bit harder to remember. i think i've imagined
so many scenarios in my head that they've gotten mixed up with the real
ones. i can't decipher which ones are real, which ones have actually happened.
in ways, it makes my heart lighter, like casting away a memory and storing
it in a jar somewhere. in that jar, in that little universe, those moments just replay.
there's a universe where i wake up tucked right into your side. there's a universe
where we're picking out hair dye. there's a universe that is sunday everyday and
all we do is whisper things into each other's skin. there's a universe where we fight
but make sure no one goes to sleep angry and alone. there's a universe where
i'm teaching you choreography after hours or you're showing me some lyrics.
i can't picture one where we don't end up together
but i'm trying to.
i've always thought about soulmates, how one person in the whole world could
be made just for you. i've always wondered how they come to meet one another.
how do their paths cross? is it fate or is it a cosmic coincidence?
does the universe ever get it wrong? are we pieces on a chessboard that move
according to strategies that change based on what the previous play was or
are we all just single movie discs, where everything is already decided,
playing at the same time. maybe our stories overlap, maybe they don't.
i'll stop asking questions.
i've learned that without the bad, the good won't seem as good.
i think things are starting to look up. i've been looking into new apartments.
i want somewhere that's walking distance from a pre-school for sunhee. i found
a couple of places and with the help of ms. lee's haggling skills, i'm close to being
able to afford one. maybe a few more weeks and i can pay the deposit.
every time i sent you a letter from this apartment, i'm afraid you'll show up
one day and see that i live in an oversized shoebox. that i sleep on the pull
out couch and that sunhee's room is equivalent to that of a storage closet. that there's
only a shower in the bathroom and the giant storage container under the
secondhand living room table is a makeshift tub for sunhee. i'm so afraid
that you'll be mortified and realize that being with me would taint you and your image.
that you'll look at us and only see a charity case that's not worth it. but that's the
motivation for me to
skip some meals save in anyway that i can. so i can have
some pride when i extend the invitation for you and maybe the others to come over.
i'm already thinking of what colors to paint the walls. it's only a two bedroom
but i've been thinking of a theme too. a few years ago, i don't think i'd ever be
this happy about getting my own room, but i guess that's what the bad does.
it makes even the little moments mean so much and i will take every
little moment i can get.
how does it feel to be famous? to be recognized everywhere
you go because your face is plastered on billboards. or because
your songs are on constant replay on the radio. do you ever get
privacy? i know how you are with crowds and just people in general.
when you go out, do you constantly look over your shoulder?
sometimes i'll see candid pictures of you in the tabloids and wonder
how they got those pictures and if you knew. if you felt them.
i feel like i'm being watched. i know how much of yourself you put into
your music and i'm sorry that people still want more from you.
being a parent really makes you change your attitude in life.
i didn't know my instincts could even be more alert. when she's in her room
and too much time has passed (like three minutes) since i've heard her
say anything, i panic and run across the living room to check. when an amber
alert goes out or i pass by a missing kid picture in the paper, i have to call ms. lee
and talk to her. sometimes not even her voice calms me down and i ask
to leave work early so i can hold her in my arms. whenever she goes to work
with me, i pack extra snacks for her and end up forgetting my own lunch.
i've probably eaten my weight in animal crackers at this point. during the trial,
i would take different routes home just in case someone was following me.
i do that occasionally now when the sun is still out when we make our way back.
i even bought a bigger coat so she could fit inside it when i carry her during the winter.
she'll whine and say she's big and can walk on her own, but i just flashback
to the first time she got sick and i wasn't prepared. coughs never sounded painful
until they left her mouth. this was the first time i actually hated
you my life. hated
how i lacked so many things. i was filled with anger. she was so small but
i couldn't afford bringing her into the ER. all i had was this old "before you
go see a doctor" book and some baby medicine. logically, i knew that it was just
a cold because winter had started and she didn't have many sweaters yet, but my
mind thought of the absolute worst. i knew that she'd be better in the morning but
i couldn't sleep at all. nothing could rival the vulnerability i felt while i was rocking
her and she was having trouble breathing, suffocating on her own cries. eventually
she tired herself out and i spent all night watching her chest rise. i still do that
sometimes. it's a habit, to sacrifice part of me for her. i've become selfless
to the point where i'd give up anything for her
has anyone read these letters?
a few nights ago, i heard some shuffling outside my door,
but this neighborhood is
really already a bit sketchy so i
didn't think much of it. sometimes sunhee makes me leave food
out for the cat(s) and who am i to refuse. however, when i went
to double-check if i locked the door before i went to bed,
there was an envelope halfway under my door. it's been awhile
so i didn't recognize the handwriting. i looked up your schedules
and none of you are near me so i thought maybe one of your
assistants wrote it and personally delivered it to me.
is it true? are you coming for me?
i'll be waiting for you, hyung!
where are you hyung?
hurry before it's too late.
Thump, thump. There's a knock on the door.
Jimin looks up from the living room table to catch the time. It’s 9:47PM. He isn’t expecting anybody, mainly because he doesn’t have friends. The only people who would know where he lives are his fellow librarians at the library, but none of them have ever contacted him outside of work before. He thinks for a second that maybe, just maybe, it’s Yoongi, but he immediately shakes his head ‘no’. What a silly thought.
He waits a few seconds to see if there’s anymore knocking.
Nothing. Maybe someone realized they got the wrong apartment and left.
He walks over to the kitchen and pours himself some more tea. He walks back into the living room and settles down. Jimin puts his attention back to the sheet of paper in front of him. It’s his last letter and it’s still blank. He’s been staring at it ever since he put Sunhee to bed at 8:30PM.
There isn’t much he can say that he hasn’t already said. Part of him wants to beg, to plead and cry all over the page, but he knows deep down, it’d be a lost cause and waste of his energy. If Yoongi wanted to get in contact with him, he would've by now
He’ll keep it short and simple.
"Gotta let go, Jimin." He takes a deep breath and picks up the pen. "Just wish him the best and say your last goodbye."
Just as he is about to put ink on the page, there’s a knock again. This time it is incessant, like they are in desperate need of help. His mind automatically thinks of Ms. Lee. She’s usually asleep by now, so if she’s up, it must be urgent.
"Be right there!" He shouts as he gets up. He glances into Sunhee's room as he passes by, hoping he didn't just wake her. He sees her figure on the small bed, still deep in her dreams.
He makes his way over to the door and just as he’s about to open it, something doesn’t feel right. Doesn't smell right. It's an alpha, but Ms. Lee's scent is one of his favorites, incense. The air around his doorway smells like gasoline. In a way, the odor is... familiar, but it’s too thick.
Jimin’s instincts are suddenly on high alert. He slowly inches his way towards the door, hoping the wooden floor doesn't creak under his footsteps. He looks through the peephole and his breath gets caught in his throat.
Looking back at him is a hazel eye, pupil blown out. Common sense tells him to get away from the door and call the police, but he can't. His feet are rooted at the very spot. The person on the other side takes a step back. He must be taller than the height of the peephole as his face is not in view. When more of his body is revealed, Jimin can see something in the figure's hand. A crowbar.
He can feel his mouth drying up, chest heaving. He backs aways slowly, but at the sound of a low growl, he trips over his feet and lands on the floor.
Jimin's crawling back, but the person on the other side must've heard his fall.
"I can hear you in there little omega," he says while banging on the door. His voice is deep, and it sounds predatory. "Open up."
Never has he been this thankful for his windowless apartment before. Jimin can hear the impatience growing in this person's banging. He rushes to Sunhee's room.
His heart hurts at the sight of his daughter, sleeping so soundly in bed. It had been a small struggle for her to fall asleep tonight, the breeze outside while they were walking home caused a stuffy nose. He walks over to her bedside and shakes her as gently as he can.
"Sunhee-ah, wake up baby," he whispers. "Baby, you gotta wake up," he says with more forceful, but still gentle shakes.
Sunhee jostles around, and blinks her eyes open. "Appa? 's morning already?" She asks, her voice still riddled with sleep. Her breaths are audible, nose still stuffy.
"No, baby. You have to do something for me, okay?" He says quietly, trying to hide the panic he feels.
"Appa," she whispers back to him, "why are we whisperin—"
"Open the fucking door, or I'll break it open," the alpha outside states. This time, the knocking is made by the sound of the crowbar being struck at his front door.
"Appa, who is that," Sunhee questions as Jimin lifts her up out of bed and onto the floor in front of their shared closet. He kneels down, eyes leveled with hers.
"Sunhee-ah, we're gonna play a game, okay? You love this one." Jimin says as enthusiastically as he can. He can tell she's not yet aware of what is going on, of how it's still nighttime and the day has yet to be over. She rubs the last remnants of sleep out of her eyes. "We're gonna play hide-and-seek, you know how to play that one, right?"
She nods her head eagerly. Jimin wants to cry at how excited his daughter is.
"Okay, you're gonna hide in the closet. And appa is going to hide in the living room. The man outside," Jimin flinches as the sound of the wood splintering can be heard. "He's the seeker. You can't let him find you or you'll lose."
"Appa, I know. We play all the time!" She says, already opening the door of the closet.
"But there's a new rule," he says, turning her around. "No matter what, you can't leave the closet. No matter what happens, no matter what you hear, you can't go outside, okay? You can't leave the closet. Promise me," his last words come out shakily.
Sunhee notices, her head quirking to the side. "Appa, what's wrong," she asks as she takes his face between her small hands. "Why are you crying," she asks as one of her hands catches a falling tear. He didn't even know he was until now.
"You know those mean people we see sometimes when we go to the park? Or the grocery store?" He asks.
She nods, "yes, appa says not to speak to them."
"Well, I think one of them is outside and I think he's angry. So you have to stay here while appa goes to see what's wrong. You might hear some yelling, okay? But don't worry, everything's gonna be fine, I'll find you after." He knows his words don't match the tears streaming down his face. Knows that his daughter is smart enough to notice the alarm in his scent.
She moves closer to him, nuzzling her face in his neck, arms wrapping around as tight as she can. "Appa," she sniffles, "I don't want you to go. The mean people are big, what if they hurt appa?"
He wants to stay longer, to try to calm her down, but the door is close to breaking down any second. The alpha outside sounds like he has enough rage to keep pounding for awhile. The locks can only hold for so long.
"I'll be back, baby." He tries to reassure her. "Don't make any sounds okay, just like in the library," he tells her as he lightly plucks her hold from his body and moves her into the closet. "Just sit in the corner and appa is gonna put some clothes over you."
As he takes some of her shirts off the hangers and is about to place them over her, she reaches out to grab his wrist. "You're gonna find me, right?" She asks, looking up at him with tears threatening to fall from her big, brown eyes. "You're not gonna just leave me here?" She asks, nose sniffling and sadness evident in her small voice.
"Appa would never leave you, I love you, my heart," he cries. He wipes the streaks of tears on her cheeks and kisses her. "Promise me you'll be quiet, and you won't move."
"That's my girl, love you so much."
She kisses him back, "I love you more, appa." She responds.
He lets out a small chuckle and tries to give her a brave smile as he starts strategically placing the clothes over her. He moves some of the other clothes around in his closet, making it look messy. He goes over to her bed and makes it. Tries to give the illusion that his daughter is sleeping somewhere else.
The noise of the crowbar against his door rivals the blood pounding in his eardrum.
Just as he leaves Sunhee's room, the front door is bolted open. The thing keeping his door, his only barrier of defense, from slamming open is the flimsy chain lock.
"You're mine now, omega. Gonna put you in your fucking place." He growls, "make you wish you never opened your filthy, whore mouth." The alpha's voice, now clear as he yells through the open space into the room. His voice is so familiar, Jimin just can't pin point it.
It happens so slow.
All he can hear is his own ragged breathing. The wall clock in the kitchen ticking. His heart beating in his chest, so hard his ribs might break.
The alpha backs away from the door.
The next thing he sees is the crowbar come down and yank the chain off.
The alpha kicks the door wide open, gasoline scent rushing into Jimin's apartment.
Jimin's eyes slowly look up. He starts from the crowbar clutched in his large, bruised hands, then at the alpha's broad chest, then his face.
It's Kang Wonho, the youngest of the Kang brothers.
"I've got you now, little slut." He says with a smile, venom dripping from his mouth. "Gonna scream for me like last time?"