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Deadpool's New Job

Chapter Text

A New Job for Deadpool.


Circumstances brought Wade Wilson to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Circumstances and a not so direct threat from Nick Fury to go deep under cover to investigate the wand-waving witches and wizards of Britain of potential nefarious deeds brought Deadpool to this locate.

It was also entirely possible Fury wanted Deadpool out of his hair for about a good seven years. Deadpool found himself with thousands of years of esteemed history. Wade whistled when he walked down the hallways.

Wade Winston Wilson walked into the office of Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore. The white-bearded warlock stared at the very oddly dressed man with a twinkle in his eye and a Sherbet Lemon dangling from his upper lip.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Wilson."

Wade smiled.

"Good day to you, as well, Professor Gandalf," Wade said. "No wait, that was Magneto, my mistake."

Dumbledore just looked over Wade with a smile.

"I'm sure we both know why you're here."

"Be sure to explain to the people who are looking in on us while we're here," Wade said. "A lot of people look like I'm insane, but there are people reading every word we say. Some of them are going to end up picking it apart in agonizing detail later."

"Fascinating," Dumbledore said. "Good afternoon everyone."

Dumbledore looked out to the beyond.

"Actually, they're over there."

Wade pointed across the room towards the right side, somewhere around the area of the Fourth Wall.

"My apologies," Dumbledore said. "Good afternoon, everyone!"

Dumbledore waved merrily. Deadpool smiled and looked at the old man very fondly. He did not know why people on the Internet did not like the man.

"A lot of people think I'm insane for talking to people they can't see," Wade said.

"Just because other people can't see them, doesn't mean they're not there," Dumbledore responded. "There have been many schools of thought of other dimensions existing. Some of them contain higher beings which can influence our actions in any number of subtle and not so subtle ways. "

Dumbledore reached for another Sherbet lemon. He offered it to Wade.

"Don't mind if I do," Wade said. "I don't think anyone ever takes these things, do they?"

"Sadly, no," Dumbledore bemoaned. "I looked over your references and you're the strong-willed, mentally-capable individual who can handle the task I'm about to give you."

"Service with a smile," Wade said. "And I don't mean my weekend gig either."

"As you well know, last year, our caretaker, Mr. Filch suffered a mental break. He will be perfectly fine when the new term resumes in the fall. He's demanded I hire him an Assistant Caretaker to help him take care of the school. The pay is quite substantial, and you do get full medical coverage of maladies which happen upon the school grounds."

"What could happen in a magic school anyway?" Wade asked.

"We've had some scares over the years," Dumbledore admitted. "Kids will be kids though, and our healer, Madam Pomfrey is the top of her class. She is very adept in fixing most injuries."

"Well, good because I tend to get in some rough spots," Wade said. "Must be my charming nature."

"Must be," Dumbledore said. "I don't think there's any problem this year. I will keep you appraised on any situations which require your attention. Here is your contract in full, it's for the full seven years as you requested. We can work out arrangements if you wish to leave before the end of the seven years are up."

"I think I'm good," Deadpool said. "Before, I sing this though, I want to ask you something."

"Of course."

"Harry Potter is coming to Hogwarts this year, isn't he?" Deadpool asked.

"Yes, Harry will be attending his first year, but I'm sure he will fit in just like any other student," Dumbledore said.

"Mmm….if you say so," Deadpool said. "I just have to know. Are you planning to steal Harry Potter's inheritance?"

"I beg your pardon?" Dumbledore asked.

"I just want to know if you're trying anything nefarious regarding that Potter boy," Deadpool said. "No stolen gold, no love potion induced schemes, no mind control mumbo jumbo, nothing along those lines."

"I can assure you, Wade, I intend to do nothing of the sort," Dumbledore said. "I can offer you my word as a wizard I will not do anything to deliberately and maliciously manipulate Harry Potter as long as he calls this school his."

"I want a pinky swear," Deadpool said.

"Oh, my, you must be serious."

"Serious is as Sirius does," Deadpool said. "Wait, that's not right."

The two men locked hands in a pinky swear. The most powerful and binding oath known to these two gentleman had been performed.

"Albus, my good man, I'm so glad you're not going to go down that road because I did not want to be a part of one of those stories," Deadpool said. "My contract?"

"Your contract," Dumbledore confirmed.

"Excellent," Deadpool said. "And the terms are all what my attorney said they would be. Trust me, she's a big green lady who kicks ass. You don't want to piss her off."

"I can safely say I do not want to run afoul of any woman," Dumbledore replied. "So, is everything to your liking?"

Deadpool scanned the contract, looking for any loopholes. The clause about him not being able to physically harm any students or staff caused him to shake his head. He figured something like that should be assumed, but perhaps he was very foolish in thinking so.

'No weapons?' Deadpool asked. 'Guess it just leaves me with my wits to deal with people.'

'The contract said no weapons, didn't it?' one of the mysterious voices in Deadpool's head.

"Well, if I didn't sign, we'd have an awfully short adventure, wouldn't we?" Deadpool asked. "It would be the most amazing troll job in the world."

'Is a troll job where a troll gives someone a blowjob?' one of the voices chimed in.

'That's probably a fanfic somewhere,' another responded.

"Severus, come in!"

Severus Snape swooped into the office. He stopped and paused at the man in the office. Dressed in a red and black attire, with a mask.

'Yeah, everyone knows what I look like,' Deadpool thought. 'And people do have Google if they don't.'

"Professor Snape," Dumbledore said. "This is Mr. Wilson, he's the new Assistant Caretaker to Mr. Filch."

Snape gave Wade a brief nod in response and then promptly ignored him. Thus ensuring that Deadpool would never give Snape a moment's peace for the next seven or so years.

"Headmaster, I wish to discuss the concern I head earlier about…the project this year," Snape said.

"Oooh, a project, is it super secret?" Deadpool asked.

"Yes, it's quite classified," Snape dismissively said. "If you please, Headmaster…..I'm certain he needs to meet with Filch to go over his duties."

"I'm pretty sure I know my duties," Deadpool said. "I'm the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation."

"Yes, and you should go take care of things," Snape said. "Take care of things away from here."

"My contract specifically states that I don't start until September the First," Deadpool argued. "Therefore, I'll just hang around this office, hang out with my new buddy, Professor Snape."

Deadpool put an arm around Snape's shoulder. Snape pulled away from him.

"Severus, he was only trying to be friendly," Dumbledore said.

"Where did you find this thing?" Snape asked.

"Hey, I identify as a….."

"Headmaster, please, this is important," Snape said.

"Mr. Wilson, I'm sure you can find your way around the castle alone," Dumbledore said. "And maybe at a later time you can get to know Professor Snape."

Snape started to shake his head frantically and the words "damn you, Dumbledore" mouthed from him, when the Headmaster was not looking at him.

"That's great!" Deadpool exclaimed. "A nice male bonding experience, where we can go out, and get to know each other, we can drink alcohol and watch sports, and make waffles!"

"I do think it would be nice if Severus would join you for a drink at the Hog's Head this weekend," Dumbledore said.

"I don't think it would be nice if Severus joined you at the Hog's Head this weekend," Snape said. "Because Severus….I mean I….I have much work to done. I have an entirely new class of underachievers to fail to make something of, and one of them is the spawn of the king of the underachievers."

"We've been over this before," Dumbledore said. "And it would be good for you to get out. Get out of your dungeon, enjoy the sunlight, and get to know people."

Snape wondered if screaming would help. Likely not, as Dumbledore had tried in vain for Snape to let go of his bitterness of a life of constant failure and disappointment. It was the only thing which kept him motivated and allowed him to face children ten months out of a year.

"I like my dungeon, excessive sun makes me blister, and I find people to be generally abhorrent, "Snape said. "Headmaster, one more time….."

"Yes, of course," Dumbledore said.

Snape and Dumbledore walked out of the office. Suddenly, Snape stopped.

'We just let him to wander freely through Hogwarts.'

Snape briefly contemplated the consequences of what they done. He decided he didn't much care, as long as it did not affect him.

The combined assault of Peeves and the Weasley Twins last year broke Filch and Filch's new underling might have broken Snape. In addition to a Potter, a Longbottom, and another Weasley coming this year, why did Snape think not going to Azkaban was a good idea?

'I hate my life, but I hate everyone else's even more.'


To Be Continued.


So this is a thing that I'm doing now, every now and then. I'm going to keep the chapters short as possible.