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“Ooh, Listy, this looks like a good choice.”

“Which one?”

“This one. I love the cobalt blue. It complements my uniform beautifully.”

“It’s strapless, man.”

“So?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, me chest isn’t quite up to the job, even though it’s never been the same after the Medi-Bot gave me that boob job.”

“I’ve read somewhere that there’s tape for such problems.”

“No.”

“Industrial adhesive? We still have some in the old Z-Shift supply closet.”

“NO.”

“Fine. You don’t have to try it on. I still think it would look good on you, though. I do love that blue.”

“I’m with Dreadlock Dave - that dress would look like hell on him. He doesn’t have the figure for it. Trans-Am Wheel Arch Nostrils, why are you even down here, anyway? I thought you hated the mall decks.”

“There are times a man must steel himself to face his foes, you idiotic moggy. To stand tall, gird up his loins, and march boldly forward into battle. To...”

“Goalpost Head, there is no way I want to hear about your loins! You’ll ruin my between-meals between-snacks snack!”

“To forge bravely ahead! Once more unto the breach! To...”

“What’s he going on about, Bud?”

“Sex. He wants me to get a new evening gown, as he’s tired of stripping the ivory one off of me, and he wants to approve it himself this time.

“UGH! I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. I’m going over to the shop across the way to check out the suits before I lose my breakfast. You monkeys are sickening.”

“Stupid animal.”

“Forget it, man. How about this one? The skirt is amazing.”

“Yellow satin and white lace with a hoop skirt? Only if you plan on sashaying around Red Dwarf sipping mint juleps and whipping Kryten. That jumped-up bog-bot would probably let you whip him, come to think of it.”

“Rimmer.”

“In fact, he’d probably enjoy it. ‘Oh, yes, Mr. Lister, sir! Whip me! Harder!’”

“RIMMER! Wipe that smegging smirk off your face and come help me look. This was your idea.”

“...Bet you’re a dab hand with a whip, Listy.”

“Keep talking and you’ll find out - or did you forget the rather sturdy holowhip we have in Starbug’s munitions cabinet?”

“Ah, well - where were we? Didn’t you mention something about a ‘sexy little red number’ before? Let me see that one.”

“I’ll have to find it - oh, here it is. I’ll go try it on.”

————

“Well, Listy? Come on out of there and show me.”

“I don’t know, Rimmer. It’s pretty tight across me bum.”

“Let me be the judge of that.”

“Hard to walk, you know?”

“I won’t be asking you to walk anywhere in it. Remember the end of that stupid, sappy Richard Gere movie you loved so much? If it’s too difficult for you to walk, I’ll put on my admiral’s uniform and carry you off to have my way with you.”

“Fine. Here I am. How does it look?”

“Lovely color. Crimson suits your skin tone beautifully.”

“No, y‘smegger - how does it look on me?”

“I like how it drapes around you. That lacy top is modest, yet sensual, and that satin skirt hugs you in all the right places before it flares out. Isn’t that a mermaid skirt?”

“Never mind the smegging flaring. Does it make me arse look big?”

“Listy, your delightfully plump arse is one of my favorite things about you. Turn around so I can get a better look.”

“So, this damned dress does make it look big! I knew it was too tight!”

“Settle down, Dave. Anything that emphasizes your bottom has my approval. Now, come here and let me feel it.”

“You what?”

“This needs to be a hands-on evaluation. Now, present your backside for inspection, Third Technician.”

“Hard to walk, remember?”

“Fine. I’ll come to you.”

“Well?”

“Mmm. I love the feel of this satin. So smooth and sexy...”

“You just love the feel of me bum.”

“Well, yes, that, too.”

“This smegging dress isn’t getting any looser, you know. Smeg, I love it when you get handsy.”

“I see that. I’d better help you with your growing problem before you exceed the tensile strength of that fabric, or inadvertently damage something very dear to me. Thoughtful of the shopkeepers to include such a comfortable lounge in here.”

————

“Rimmer?”

“Mmm?”

“I’m glad you came dress shopping with me.”

“Mmm.”

“I’m also glad you came with me.”

“Likewise.”

“Hey, buds! What’s going on - ugh! Hot, sweaty monkey sex stench? Do you have to do this everywhere? I’ll never get the stink out of my nostrils!”

“Cat, before you run off, could you wrap this up? We’re taking it back with us.”

“The hell with that! I’m out of here!”

“Now that he’s gone, fancy another go, Arn?”

“Only if you try on the blue gown.”

“Oh, for smeg’s sake!”