Carly was sitting in wizard math class. She was in her sophomore year, having been placed in Ravenclaw, which was then renamed Raevenclaw, because everyone loved her.
“Gee, 5th period sure drags on!” she said. The Womping Willow was womping gleefully outside the window, as if to taunt her. “What am I gonna do? I’m valedictorian of my class, head of the wizard drama club, and popular among my peers. But I can’t find anyone to go to prom with!”
The old guy from Michelle’s was writing proofs dreamily at the chalkboard. He punched a hole in the glass door of the bookshelf as he wrote, flexing his bicep. The class was swooning at his incredible physical and mental dexterity.
“He can easily find the cosine of a triangle with side lengths 32, 21, and x, with one known angle of 40 degrees opposite the variable side,” said Carly. She flipped her hair and sighed. “But who will find the cosine of my heart?”
Having completed the problem, the old guy from Michelle’s did a flying elbow drop through three horizontally stacked bookshelves and sat back down at his desk. Carly gazed as he pulled a Ratatouille pez dispenser from his pocket and popped a few lemon pez on his tongue. Ratatouille was Carly’s favorite Pixar movie too. Her heart was aflutter. But did he want her? Was she all that? Would he be her friend?
The bell rang and everyone left. Donald Glover noticed Carly pouting, still in her seat. “Carly Rae Jepsen, what’s wrong? You are the North Star without which the wizard universe would be lost, and it reams my soul to see you pout.”
Carly didn’t know if she should open up to Donald. She only knew him because he was in her lab group in Wizard Biology last semester, and she honestly wasn’t really into his work as Childish Gambino, although she had re-watched the “This Is America” video several times.
“I just don’t understand today’s lesson,” she lied. “Sinewaves, tangents, sand leaking out of conical tanks! The only conical tank you’re gonna see is me tanking this exam.”
“That was a funny joke Carly,” said Donald. “Hey, why don’t you meet me later tonight, I can be your wizard math tutor.”
“Ok,” said Carly, tearing a corner of a page from her wizard notebook and jotting down her number. “Call me definitely.”
“Sounds good!” said Donald, flashing a biiiiig thumbs up as he departed.
Carly had to admit, Donald was laying on the charm. “Gee whiz!” said Carly. “Have I got boy problems or what!” She looked at her wizard watch. “Aw jeez, I gotta wizard-run!”
She hurried onto the moving stairwell, where she met David Bowie. He said, “Oh my F-ing god I love your music, can we be friends?” Carly loved his music too! There was a basilisk in the tower and Carly had to kill it. She used a blade fashioned out of the power of David Bowie’s friendship. Kirby was there. He ate Carly and became a little Kirby version of her. The ability to write killer hooks made it super easy to get through Yogurt Yard, but he discarded her to get the fire ability he needed to light the cannon.
“Whew,” Carly said, getting up off the ground and brushing the dust from her sweater (the rainbow-striped one from the Emotion photoshoot). “Just another day in the life of wizard-crimefighter-popstar CRJ. . . Just another dumb, boring, lonely, soul-leaching day.” She sat with her head in her hands on the lip of the wizard fountain, a chorus of little angels weeping over her perfect auburn hair.
“I’m gay as hell!” said Charli XCX, strutting into the courtyard.
“Charli XCX! It’s been so long, I thought you dropped out! What have you been up to?”
“Eh, you know, just doin’ evil shit ‘cause I’m in Slytherin lol,” said Charli, smacking a wad of bubblegum. “Just got off the Reputation world tour with Taylor Swift.”
“Taylor Swift? I thought I’d already killed the basilisk!” said Carly. They both ROFLed.
As the two caught up, Carly felt her heartbeat running away from her. In her head, she began to write a song about Charli’s eyes. She wasn’t sure if this was love, but she couldn’t ignore their chemistry. Charli leaned in close.
“Do you wanna be my strawberry bubblegum?” she breathed.
“I dunno,” said Carly, “will you be my blueberry lollipop?”
The bell rang. Charli gave Carly a peck on the cheek and with a wink turned and sashayed down to the herbology greenhouse, rocking two devil horns in the air with her hands and sticking her tongue out at the campus cops as they passed. Carly was awarded 50 house points.
TO BE CONTINUED