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The Bi-inator

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Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated

When Perry swung into the open window of Doofenshmirtz’s living room with a grappling hook, the first thing he noticed were the colors. Doof’s usual décor was re-outfitted in pink, purple, and blue. From the ceiling, where hot pink origami swans hung, to the floor, where there was a indigo rug, it was all some shade of pink, blue, or purple. The second thing he noticed was Dr. Doofenshmirtz, labouring over a similarly colored inator, who immediately turned around when he heard Perry enter.

“Perry the platypus, how queer of you to drop in,” — during his dramatic pause in speaking he pressed a red button on a remote in his hand. From the floor around the mammal erupted flags of pink, purple, and blue which tied around him like rope —  “and by that I mean, not queer at all!”

Perry struggled but was left immobile by the cloth. He growled in distaste while Heinz abandoned his inator to put up some miniature versions of the flags tied around Perry. He put them in different places while he nonchalantly continued his conversation with the unwilling semi-aquatic animal. He stuck one flag pole in a potted plant, he hung one from the window, etc.

“I bet you’re wondering, Perry the platypus, ‘What’s with the colors?’. This is the bisexual pride flag! They don’t really compliment the architecture, but eh, whatever. You see, this all started a week ago…”

Doofenshmirtz let himself be caught in the memory, confident that Perry would somehow see his flashback along with him.

 

His ex-wife had just come to pick Vanessa up to go to her house. As part of the custody agreement, it was her week to have Vanessa. She beamed the intercom downstairs to alert her daughter and ex that she was coming up.

Vanessa stilled at the door, her backpack already packed with her stuff. Heinz was just about to give his daughter his customary hug, goodbye, and dorky “See you later, alligator!” when Vanessa spoke up.

“Dad, I need to tell you something.”

He frowned when he noticed her careful tone. “What is it, Vanessa? Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just… I’ve realised something.”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I’m bisexual.”

The weight of her confession shocked him so that he just opened his mouth and no words came out. Her mother then knocked on the door and Vanessa quickly opened it.

She smiled at Vanessa, but then she put her hands on her hips annoyed when at Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

“Heinz, close your mouth, you’ll catch flies.”

“See you later, dad,” said Vanessa cheerily as she rushed down the hall to the elevator.

 

“I didn’t even get to say anything, Perry the platypus!” recounted Doof as he came back to the present, where Perry was looking very bored with the story.

“What kind of father am I, if I can’t even support my daughter when she comes out? So that’s why I’m going to make up for it by showing her a safe and accepting environment today when she comes to hang out with a friend! That’s what the parenting book I’m reading told me to do. Well, I guess not exactly in those words, but you know what I mean.”

Perry looked down at the flags he was wrapped in.

“No, it’s not too much. There’s never too much acceptance in the world, thank you very much. You see Perry the platypus, this isn’t even evil. Evil are the people who don’t support their teenagers’ orientation.”

Perry doubted there was no evil this time. He looked to the inator and trilled his bill.

The doctor followed his gaze to the inator. “Oh, this?”

He walked over and hunched himself over it. “This is the bisexuality-inator!”

After his pause for dramatic effect, he elaborated. “The parenting book I’m reading also says that teens sometimes feel alone, like nobody can ever relate to them, so parents have to remind them that everybody goes through the same thing. Vanessa will know that that’s true when I shoot the inator at a nearby radio tower, then everybody in the tri-state area will experience bisexuality as she is! She won’t be alone then, will she?”

Perry argued the contrary by growling.

Suddenly the intercom rang through the apartment.

“Hey dad,” said Vanessa tinnily through the intercom. “I’m coming up.”

“She’s already here. Stay there, Perry the platypus. Don’t ruin this father-daughter moment.”

Perry chattered something and Doofenshmirtz ignored him, opening the door right at the moment that Vanessa and her friend walked through it.

“Dad, this is my friend Stacy,” Vanessa said as she went through the doorway.

Perry freezed when he realised it was Candace’s Stacy, but he didn’t have anywhere to hide.

“Oh, hello Stacy!”

Heinz leaned in to his daughter while Stacy admired the living room. “Is this your girlfriend ?”

“Dad, don’t embarrass me, she’s just a friend.”

“Okay, I was just asking, can’t a father be supportive of his daughter’s relationships?”

Stacy spoke up. “Nice to meet you Mr. Doofenshmirtz.”

“It’s actually doctor. Didn’t go to evil school for nothing.”

“There’s a school for that? Cool.”

“There really isn’t,” Vanessa muttered, embarrassed by her dad yet again.

“I like the whole aesthetic you’re going for here,” said Stacy, gesturing to the apartment. “I would’ve thought Vanessa was too goth for something like this. Is it pride month already?”

Heinz put his hand to his heart. “Why thank you, Stacy, and it’s not, but I made it special.”

“Hey, is that a platypus? My friend’s brothers have one just like it. Why is it tied up?”

“Long story, and he’s not ours. Anyway, we’re going to my room to watch a movie,” said Vanessa as she held up what she was holding, a VHS tape entitled “Attack of the Blood Werewolves” and dragged Stacy away.

Doof sighed wistfully. “They grow up so fast… So, how do you think I did, Perry the platypus? I think she liked it.”

Perry stayed silent.

“Oh, who am I kidding? You’re right, she didn’t like that I made it a big deal. She thinks I’m lame.”

Perry was still silent, because he secretly took a knife out of his hat and was using it to cut free from the flag rope without tipping Doofenshmirtz off.

“But you know what, Perry the platypus? When she’s done watching that movie, nobody will make a big deal out of it, because EVERYONE IN THE TRI-STATE AREA WILL BE BISEXUAL!”

Perry finally broke free and ran towards the inator while Doofenshmirtz started it up. It glowed purple while it prepared the fire, but Perry did a flip and drop-kicked it in the gun-like nozzle. It spun around on its axis while Heinz struggled to aim it back up at the radio tower in the near distance. In the end, he didn’t aim it fast enough, because the concentrated bisexual power hit him right in the chest, and he fell down with the force.

Perry stopped fighting, but he had his fists up ready for when the doctor got up.

Heinz rubbed his back and groaned. “I don’t feel any different. Perry the platypus, do you think it’s broken?”

He stood up and rushed to the bisexuality-inator and pointed it out the window to a passerby on the sidewalk.

“Hey, you! Stay still for a second.”

The man outside looked up confused and was zapped by the purple laser.

“How are you feeling?” shouted Doof from above.

“Like I’m attracted to both men and women!” he said cheerfully. He gave a thumbs up and continued on his way.

Doof crossed his arms. “Hm, I guess it is working.”

Perry opened his bill to chatter.

“Don’t say anything, Perry the platypus, I’m going to look in the factory manual.”

He picked up a small pamphlet on the floor next to the inator and read aloud.

“The sexual orientation machine is customizable, blah blah blah… Any evil scientist can use blah blah blah… We are not responsible for blah blah blah… Oh! Here it is. ‘If the person affected is already of that orientation, then they will feel no affect.’”

Perry and Heinz stared at each other for a moment.

“Don’t give me that look, I’m processing. Could I be bi? Wait, now that I think about it, I could.”

He had a quick montage of the times he might’ve wondered if he liked people besides girls. He’d repressed most of that with the worst of his childhood memories, but all this talk made him remember them.

 

There was that time his neighbor Kenny stayed with him the whole night while he was protecting the garden as a lawn gnome. And then when the other children made fun of him for wearing hand-me-up dresses he was jealous of particularly one boy he thought dressed manly. That boy called him a “pretty girl” as an insult and for a split second before feeling mortified and embarrassed he blushed that he thought he was pretty.

The time as a teen when he was just getting into Love Händel and proclaimed he had a crush on Bobby before Roger laughed and told him Bobby wasn’t a girl, he just had styled hair. Heinz retracted his statement but then he wondered if he still didn’t have a crush on him.

Then when he had given up on science and studied fine arts his beatnik colleagues were always talking about being open-minded and how labels were for squares. To punctuate their statement, two male theatre students kissed, and then said they didn’t care what people thought about it. He wished he could be that confident in himself, but there was nobody who wanted to kiss him to make the same point. And then when he went back to the hard sciences he threw away most of his hippie ideology.

 

The more he thought about it, the more he realised maybe the inator was right.

“Oh my dinkleberry, Perry the platypus, don’t tell anyone, but I’m bisexual. Me too!”

Perry shrugged as if to ask who he would tell.

Vanessa came back into the living room, alone this time.

“Hey dad, I hope I’m not interrupting your evil fight or whatever, but I forgot I left the VHS player in my house. I told Stacy we could just download the movie but she said online piracy is wrong. So anyway, can we just watch some tv in the living room?”

Her dad was tearing up as he gently grabbed her by the shoulders. “First, I have to tell you something. I’m bisexual too.”

“Wow dad, is that what all the pride flags are for?”

“No, those are for you. I just want you to know I love and support you.”

Vanessa blushed and looked away. “Thanks, I love you too, dad.”

He pulled her into a hug. “I know it’s hard, realizing you’re different, but I’ve been different all my life, and I got through it.”

Vanessa squeezed him tighter. “For real, thank you. The redecorating was a little much, though.”

They only let go when they noticed Perry had pushed the self-destruct button on the inator, which just fizzed out and fell apart into blueish-pinkish rubble.

“Perry the platypus, can’t you see we’re having a moment here?”

Perry took off his hat and pulled from it a miniature rainbow gay pride flag. He waved it and chattered.

“Perry the platypus, you’re gay?” asked Vanessa.

He nodded.

Doof shook his head. “Wait a minute. Wait. You’re gay and you didn’t think to give me advice throughout this whole thing!?”

Perry shrugged.

“I thought we were friends, Perry the platypus, and you never told me that about yourself.”

Perry shrugged again, ignoring the doctor’s complaints as he jumped out the same window he came from.

“CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!”