"Dammit, usually I write a diary, but..I can't get myself to write, lately. It feels better to just say it aloud. I know it's not the smartest thing, but…I'm not always the smartest person, either. And can I at least allow myself to be a bit stupid, at least this once?"
"It's just…I know Eamonn's in pain. He's a man that was ripped from his family, and they don't even know that he exists anymore because of Ozma. I'm a person whose father walked out of my life when I needed him. I just find that so weird sometimes, that we're together romantically. But then again…love is chaos, isn't it? Always has been."
"I just…I just feel horrible, not always knowing what to do. I know I can't always be there for him, and I'm glad he's getting people to talk to other than just me."
"Je n'aime le silence entre nous. C'est terrible, franchement, et….I need to stop resorting to French. But then again this IS my audio diary, I just….ugh, now I'm mixing up my languages. Should I do that?"
"Oh, merde, c'est mon journal! Je peux parler ce que je veux!"
"Okay, I've calmed down considerably since the last time I recorded. That's good. I just…gods, I want to hit Shachioko over the side of the head with what he told Eamonn about me and Kuroyanagi. I should've just told him myself from the start, and it's a miracle he hadn't heard it from anyone else until now. Kuroyanagi did tell me that he was very much straight, despite all that happened between us during the Newcomers' Tournament…"
"But I do feel bad about not telling Eamonn that Kuroyanagi and I were nearly a thing. But I didn't…I didn't think that was something I was supposed to tell him. Given the timing of when we met and got together, though, maybe I should have. I don't know. I just…"
"I want to be good to him. He considers me home, and I feel the same for him. But is it really healthy for either of us to be together like this? We talked about slowing down, and we have and I'm glad about that, but…gods, I wonder if I make him feel worse than better. If I'm doing him more harm than good."
"I don't want to…I don't want to let him down. And I think he's scared of letting me down, because he's already failed people in the past and he doesn't want to mess it up a third time. I don't want to let people down, either…especially not him. I nearly did that just earlier by nearly siding with my father against Pantasia."
"I don't know what I was thinking. Sure, I want to reconnect. But…it's not worth it if all he wants to do is use me for his own ends. That's not right, and I know I am better than that. At least I think I am, I…ugh. And now I'm off topic."
"…I love Eamonn, I really do. But does everything have to feel like they have to keep haunting us? First the whole circumstance as of how we met, then my father attempts to rope me into his schemes, and now Eamonn is feeling excluded because of the stupid stunt Shachioko pulled yesterday night! I want to be good to him, but I feel like I just dragged him into a lot of things that he never was supposed to be in…"
"Um, come in."
Click. Footsteps. Click.
"Eamonn? Oh my god, I…"
"I heard everything."
"How…long were you outside the door…?"
"Long enough to hear you agonizing over you doubting that you're good for me."
"I just…I don't know if I am. I never wanted you to get involved in all this drama, and all I want is for you to be comfortable where you are."
"It's about last night, isn't it?"
"It is. Eamonn, I…I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about it."
"You and Kuroyanagi never got into an actual relationship, it never happened. I shouldn't have taken it so hard."
"Your feelings in that situation were very much valid."
"As are yours right now."
"Just let it out. It's just the two of us."
Movement, muffled crying.
"I just want things to be okay. I-is that too much to ask for?"
A low sigh.
"Sylvan…I know you're stressed out over all of this. I am, too. But…I want to hope that things can get better. I still think back to before I met you. When I'd lost my family, even if it was rightfully so. When we met…when you got me this job and a place to stay and all that, even before we started being romantic, you gave me that hope again."
"Y-yeah, you did. Oh my god, Sylvan, you did. You gave me hope. Let me give you hope in return."
"I think you just did that."