Bowser snuck into a side room of his castle to meet up with a dry bones. Normally Bowser wouldn’t sneak around in his own home but the situation was a bit embarrassing.
“Hey,” he said, “you in here?”
The dry bones came out of hiding and made clattering noises.
“Good, I have something I need to ask you,” Bowser looked around the room to make sure it was just him and the dry bones. “How does my roar sound? And be honest.”
Bowser inhaled and let out a “ROOOAAARRR!!!”
“So? How was it?”
The dry bones made a motion with his hand and shrugged.
“Meh? MEH?!” Bowser stomped his foot. “What’s wrong with my roar?!”
More clattering noises from the dry bones.
“Of course,” Bowser muttered. “I asked the guy who can’t speak. I have no clue what you’re saying buddy.”
Bowser opened the door and grabbed the first goomba he saw.
“You,” Bowser snarled at the goomba, “be honest about how much my roar terrifies you.”
“Well your heinousness, you sound like a guy yelling,” the Goomba said, completely unimpressed.
“I am a guy yelling,” Bowser said then turned to the dry bones. “Do you agree with this guy?”
Dry bones nodded.
“Hey, didn’t you used to actually roar and sound like a real monster?” the goomba asked.
“Nah, Kamek made a little speaker and put it in my collar, when I clenched my fist it played stock monster sound effects,” Bowser replied with a slight blush.
“And your laugh?”
“Kamek slowed down a Boo’s cackle.”
“Oh,” the goomba frowned. “That’s disappointing.”
“YOU’RE DISAPPOINTING,” Bowser snapped.
“Lord Bowser you should talk to my cousin, Goomthello, he was a theatre kid and played villains.”
“Why didn’t you say that sooner?!”
Bowser took off like a shot looking for Goomthello.
“If I were a theatre kid, where would I be?” Bowser wondered to himself. “And if I were a theatre goomba would I look like every other goomba or would I wear a stupid scarf?”
After a little bit of searching and yelling at staring minions Bowser spotted a goomba wearing a white scarf.
“Yeah I bet that’s Goomthello,” Bowser said snarkily then he shouted. “YOU! ARE YOU GOOMTHELLO?”
The goomba jumped.
“Um, yes! I’m Goomthello! What is it you need, your brutishness?”
“We need to go in a room and talk,” Bowser loomed over Goomthello.
“Of course, sire, we shall make haste,” Goomthello took Bowser into the nearest room.
Bowser decided to give Goomthello his best roar, perhaps the issue he was having before was the lack of surprise.
But no, Goomthello was unfazed.
“You too?” Bowser buried his face in his hands. “Graaaaah. Why?”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Goomthello went into kissass mode. “Why do you think something is wrong with your righteous roar?”
“Because Mario and his gang aren’t taking me seriously anymore, especially not when we golf.”
“Well,” Goomthello went against his best instinct, “you are kind of a dork on the golf course.”
“Yeah, so you aren’t really intimidating, you just startle people when you suddenly shout.”
“Well how can I make my roar intimidating again?”
Goomthello looked smug. “Well, if you want my opinion-”
“-If you’re going to be like that then I don’t.”
“My apologies my lord. In my opinion the problem is that you roar from your throat but you should be roaring from your gut. It is quite substantial, after all.”
“Old acting trick.”
“Fine,” Bowser inhaled deeply and let out a
and Goomthello fell backwards.
“Excellent work,” he said. “That’s the best I heard from you in years.”
“Wow,” Bowser blushed lightly in happiness, “that felt good, it felt strong. Now maybe Mario will be afraid of me again.”
“May I offer another tip?” Goomthello asked, taking advantage of Bowser’s good mood.
“Go for it.”
“Try that for your speaking voice too when you encounter Mario. You sound like a dad.”
Bowser crossed his arms. “I am a dad, Junior made me a mug and everything.”
“I know, but that’s not very scary.”
“Whatever,” Bowser grumped. “I’m going to kidnap Peach now.”
He started to leave the room but stopped in the doorway, he looked back at Goomthello. “By the way, if this doesn’t scare the pants off of Mario I’m going to flatten you for that comment about my gut.”
With that, Bowser left.
A couple hours later Goomthello saw Bowser pass by leading Princess Peach to her room in the castle.
Bowser poked his head into the room and spoke to Goomthello.
“You got lucky. I’m not going to stomp you.”