The only thing Bucky Barnes can think as he drops to his knees in front of the body. Can't Breathe. No air was getting to his lungs and he screams. A blood curdling awful scream that should never be heard. Because this pain should never be felt. He holds the lifeless corpse of Steve Grant Rogers in his arms as his body shakes with sobs. He holds him close, praying to every god out there that they give him back. They have to give him back. They can't take him.
This pain, beyond any other. First blossoming in his chest and spreading cold throughout the rest of his body. Unmatched by any other Bucky has ever experienced. ever will experience. His head pounds, he's freezing. Can't get warm. Can't breathe. Can't Breathe. This is not how it was supposed to end. This is not the end of the line. It can't be. Bucky didn't tell him. Bucky didn't tell him how much he loves him. He didn't make sure Steve knew, and he should've. Oh, how he should've told him. But he didn't. And now he's paying in the worst form of torture imaginable. He's being shoved through the shredder. He can't move, can't find the strength to walk away from the pale, unblinking, lifeless version of Steve. He could never walk away from him. He spent his whole life Saving Steve from fights, protecting him. And he couldn't save him. And it will haunt him for eternity. Knowing that he could not save the love of his life. Could not get to him fast enough. He can't even hear his own screaming. Can't process what he's doing. He shakes the hand on his shoulder off of him. Steve was the last person to touch him, and he wants to keep it that way. Steve was the last person to clap a hand on his shoulder. the last person to smile at him. And he wants to keep it that way. And he just holds onto Steve. Refuses to let go. Gun abandoned, fight forgotten. Because, the cold, the pain. It's so distracting. and all he sees in the reflection of Steve's unmoving eyes, is the truth. Steve Couldn't save him. And looking at Steve's wide, empty eyes, causes him to scream more, scream until his throat is raw and all he can focus on is the pain. His heart, always closed off to everyone but Steve. Now the one person that could tear down his defenses was gone too. Just like that. Gone Again. But this time, He's not coming back. And the hard truth sinks in and so does the regret, and the torture get's worse. So, impossibly worse. And the only light in Bucky's life was snuffed out. Steve, the brightest light ever to shine in Bucky's presence, gone again. And Bucky will never be able to cope with it. How do you cope with the loss of your first and last love? How do you move on from the last person you ever cared about? The only one who never gave up on you? How are you supposed to handle that? Move on? Forget about it? Because Bucky can't, and if he could, he wouldn't. Because that is the most selfish disloyal thing you could ever do. For his whole life Bucky was fucked with the truth that it wasn't okay. And suddenly he wakes up to Steve, to the 21st century and it's okay, and he never got a chance to tell him. He was too focused on rejection. Too focused on everything else that he didn't even think about, what if one of them gets killed? What if one of them dies before he gets to tell him? He didn't think about that. And now he'll forever walk around a shell of regret and heartbreak, knowing that he will never be able to get the chance to tell the love of his life that he loves him for the first time. His heart went with Steve when Bucky watched him get killed. Watched the only worth while thing in his life get stolen away again. Stolen for good. And now his heart, his soul. Both are gone with the young guy from Brooklyn who once upon a time, stole them both. He's loved Steve for a hundred years and it was never enough to make their destinies change. Because Bucky was destined to love the one he could never have. Destined to love the one who would forever be snatched away right when he get's him back. he's loved and he's lost. He's been through hell to be with Steve. And the pain will never get easier. It will never get easier to know he was destined to love someone after their gone. Destined to never move on. Because Steve was it for him. There was no one else. And He hates every god out there. He curses them, he shames them, he hates them. Because he's not mad that Steve died. He's mad that he didn't. He's dead. But he's being kept alive to feel ever single destructive, horrible moment of it. And he'll endure it like a champ. Because loving Steve, even from afar, was the best feeling he's ever experienced. It was fire and ice. Heaven and hell. It was torture and it was bliss. And the aftermath just made the mere memory of that feeling. That...drug. More addictive. More precious, more excruciating to miss. But it was beautiful while it was there.