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Adorable Muppet

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Having a standing dinner “friend” date with his best friend was quite possibly one of the worst decisions Spencer had ever made. Ever since Y/N started at the BAU, they’d realized how much they had in common and how easy it was to talk to one another, so she’d asked him about going to dinner after work on Fridays. After dinner they’d go to one of their places to have a drink and watch some TV, sleep in the same apartment and then go out to breakfast the next morning.

The problem was that he was madly in love with her and had no way of telling her. Of course he couldn’t come right out and say it because if she didn’t feel the same way then things would get awkward at work and that would be awful. And he was absolutely, spectacularly horrible at flirting so there was no way that was going to work either. Instead, he was doomed to Friday nights and Saturday mornings sitting in her presence, wondering what it be like for her to return the feelings he had.

But it was driving him insane. How did Morgan flirt? How was he so smooth? How could he be smooth himself? Maybe if he looked it up. He had to do something. He had to know one way or another if she felt the same way about him or not. If not, then he could find ways to get over it and if so…

If so, what was he going to do?

He was Spencer Reid.

He was so awkward.

Honestly, he hadn’t thought this through.

But yea, he had to do something.

After excusing himself to the restroom, he perused a couple of articles about flirting. He understood but was pretty convinced he wouldn’t be able to pull it off. Confidence was not his strong suit.

On the way out, he toyed with his hair, trying to figure out what way it looked best. He was pretty sure it looked like a mess the majority of the time, but the articles he’d scanned said to look put together - whatever that meant. “You okay Spence?” She asked, her smile taking him off guard. “You were in there for a bit.”

“Yea, I-I’m good,” he replied. “Just feeling a little off.” That was actually the truth.

“Want to call things off tonight? You could go home and rest.”He wanted to say yes, but his mouth said no - that he would be fine.

When the waiter came over, he assumed that would give him a break, but then he made a quick comment about how they looked like a cute couple and Spencer protested just a bit too much. He could’ve sworn that Y/N looked hurt, but maybe he was just seeing things. “That happens to us a lot,” she laughed softly.

“It does. It makes sense though.” He could feel himself beginning to ramble and somehow he couldn’t stop himself. “Your pupils are dilated. People tend to see and man and a woman out together and assume they can’t just be friends. We come here a lot, so there’s that.” He had to stop himself.

The rest of their meal went off about as smoothly as could be expected given how bad he was at flirting - if he could even call it that. Somewhere along the line he found himself spouting off statistics about germs and how toilet seats actually have very few germs per square inch as opposed to telephones, computer keyboards and kitchen counters. He spent nearly the entire ride back to her place talking about germs while she nodded every once in a while. How she put up with him was a fucking miracle.

On the way upstairs, she went ahead of him, which left him to walk behind. She had a beautiful body that he thought more times than he should’ve and it left him even more frustrated. “Wanna watch a movie?” She asked. “I’m feeling a romance.”


“S-sure,” he stuttered.

After she got changed into pajamas, he curled himself into the opposite end of her couch. He had to keep his eyes on the tv or he would lose his mind. It through her off; he could tell. She picked The Notebook, which didn’t surprise him. It was one of her favorites. “God, I love this movie. There’s just something so comforting about their relationship over the years.”

“That’s because after the first year, romantic love turns to committed love. All those butterflies and Hollywood things fall away and you just want what’s best for the other person. Statistically anyway. I don’t really get it because I feel like there are a million different kinds of love that mix into the perfect relationship. I mean, I-” Woah. As Morgan would say, ‘slow your roll, kid.’

Turning toward him, Y/N questioned him again. “Are you sure you’re okay? The entire night you’ve been all jittery and shit.”

“No, I’m not okay.” He was so on edge he wanted to jump out of his skin. “Y/N, I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you the entire night that I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Her eyes went wide. “W-what?”

“I’ve been trying to flirt but I suck at it and I had no idea to say what I just said and I also didn’t want to because I wasn’t sure if you felt anything at all and I didn’t want to make things awkward. I just-”

He stopped and raked his hands through his hair. “Damn,” she laughed. “You’re into me?”

“Very,” he said without lifting his head from his hands. “Have been for a while.”

“So all that germ talk in the car?”

“That wasn’t me trying to dirty talk or anything. Just nervous ramblings.” This was a disaster. He’d fucked up one of the most important relationships in his life. “Can we just forget I ever said anything?”

He felt a dip in the couch and then her hand touched his face. “I can’t,” she replied. His heart sank into his stomach. “But I don’t necessarily want to.”


“Spence, you’re my best friend. A best friend is everything I could ever want in a partner. I don’t know why you couldn’t just tell me. It could’ve saved you a lot of awkward flirting attempts.” Her shoulders shook as she giggled to herself. When he finally looked at her, she dipped her lips to his. Instantly, he felt like his body was on fire. But in the best way.

As his hands snaked around the back of her neck, she arched into him. “I also happen to think you’re hot.”

“Me? Why?” He asked through breathless kisses. “I look like a muppet.”

“You’re an adorale muppet,” she snorted.

He didn’t get it, but he also wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth so to speak. At first, he thought it was the two of them that were being loud and hot and heavy but then he realized the movie was still playing out before them. “Would you kiss me in the rain?” She asked. She pulled back and his eyes were sparkling. He couldn’t believe this was real. Maybe he was having a break with reality.

“I-if that’s what you w-wanted, I could d-definitely get behind that.” As the sounds of the movies sex scene played out as their soundtrack, he pulled Y/N into his lap and peeled her shirt over her head, getting it caught on her arm like the graceful lover he was.

She quickly unbuttoned his shirt and grazed her fingernails up his chest. The reality of what they were doing was even better than his dreams. Turning to the side, she grabbed the remote and shut off the TV leaning back and pulling him over her. “I don’t have condoms on me,” he huffed. She couldn’t help but laugh at his desperation.

“I have some in my bag.”

“Oh thank god.”

Before she grabbed her bag, she peeled her pants and panties down teasing him with a peak of her splayed legs before tossing him the protection they needed. He tried to take his own clothes off in a way that would be considered sexually appealing, but he tripped on the leg of his pants. “Shut up,” he laughed.

“You’re an adorable, clumsy muppet.”

He slipped the condom over himself and joined her back on the couch, skimming his fingers over her center and playing with her sensitivity, watching with rapt attention as her skin blushed underneath him. “God, you’re so gorgeous.”

In his dreams and while doing…other things, he’d imagined what she would be like, feel like, taste like, but nothing could’ve prepared him for the softness of her skin underneath his palms or the taste of desperation at her center. “Fuck, Spence. Take me…unless you wanna talk about germs some more.”

“Shut up.” He silenced her laughter with a kiss and pressed the tip of his length to her center, sliding in slowly. Fingernails gripped into his skin, pulling him closer. His moved along her collarbone, leaving her neck vulnerable to his kisses as he thrusted languidly and deliberately.

Neither one of them lasted that long. She started bucking her hips up into him. “Now…please.”

Another few thrusts left them both breathless. “I wish you’d said something sooner,” she said, clasping his head to her chest.

“What like how when two people kiss they swap between 10 million and 1 billion bacteria?” If she could deal with his awkwardness then he wasn’t going to hold it back.

She smacked his arm. “No, dumbass. To me. We could’ve been doing this for a while.”

“Better late than never I suppose. I just never thought germ talk would turn you on.”

She laughed into his neck and grazed her teeth along his vein. “I do like dirty talk, especially with an adorable muppet.”