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Dimensions in Time: A Target-esque Novelisation

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Mayday, mayday, mayday!

Invented in 1372 by Alfred Mayday, it is a day of Morris dancing, light pole bondage, and the whole of existence being threatened by a renegade Time Lord known only as the Rani. She’s already obliterated The Grumpy One and The Flautist, my favourite King Crimson album, from existence. That’s an unforgivable crime, I Can Feel the Heartbeat of a Killer was a belter!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, she hates me. She even hates children! At least that was what the panto based on my life I saw in some pokey theatre the other week seemed to think. Wasn’t very good, the kids playing John and Gillian weren’t much cop and the scene where I’m about to cave that caveman’s head in with a rock was going on far too long even before the musical number.

Anyway, I have to go now. I think I just spotted that young man who stole my chest hair walking past my window, and I need to find my crossbow. Luckgood, my dears!