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Don't Impress Me

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So, this was one of the chapters in my Songs of the Hub one-shots. I was asked to expand the story so now we will have a little fun while I sort out the next Walter. Of course it's the Shania Twain song that inspired this.

This is set before the start of Walter Verse … like a Prequel?

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"Seriously?" Owen asked with surprise, "I thought you two would hit it off no probs."

"He was such a know-it-all" Jack sighed "Would you believe he actually quoted fucking Shakespeare?"

"Really" Owen sighed as he shook his head, he worried that Jack would never find someone.

"Shakespeare" Jack repeated with horror, "Not exactly a cuddly thing either with that skinny body, that look of distain and this suit that was…was…. Gods. I can't stand someone who is a bloody walking factorum"

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"So … what was wrong with this one then?" Tosh asked as she watched Ianto coo and cluck while he settled Walter on the sofa for a little sleep.

"Oh gods, date from hell!" Ianto sighed as he looked over at her with a roll of his eyes "I'm telling ya … so vain. Kept going to the loo and coming back with different hair styles, I shit you not little one, it was scary. A reflection in the pepper and salt shakers sent her into some sort of lovefest, I swear. She almost creamed herself when she saw herself in the glass windows as we rose to leave."

"Bum"

"Yeah, that wasn't much either" Ianto frowned then sighed, "I could never be with someone who checked out their own reflection in fucking windows. I almost put a towel in the seat before she got into the car for fear of her marking the leather. Must have been like a snail trail, I'm still too scared to look. I can't stand openly randy people."

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"So?" John watched Jack stalk about his apartment like a caged animal.

"Well OK, it was a nice car, an Austin Martin like a James Bond thing … Jesus wept. I was scared to touch the bloody door handle for fear of marking it and I shit you not, she ran around rubbing it down once I got in."

"Woman likes cars, nice to see a woman having pride in her wheels" John said calmly as Jack turned to face him.

"John, come on. Can you imagine me with someone so stuck up that they love their vehicle? Give it a fucking name like a pet?" Jack snorted.

John grimaced.

He was never getting laid was he.

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"Come on, there has to be someone out there for you" Tosh argued as Rhiannon nodded her agreement, Walter sitting in her lap playing with her beads.

"Oh come on, they are either taken or gay" Ianto sighed, both women laughing at the way Ianto was glaring at the cup of tea he had just poured, "Maybe I should go to the dark side instead of just taking the shade now and then."

"Oh come on, the only fella you only had a thing for was Elvis!" Rhiannon laughed, "And he was bloody dead already. Necrophilia that is."

"Gay necrophilia, an entirely new level of hell for us darlink" Ianto camped as they all laughed at his silliness.

Ianto and his love of Elvis, especially that hip thrust.

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"Come on Jack, it's not that bad" Gwen laughed as Jack slumped theatrically on the sofa in the canteen and declared himself undesirable.

"Look, I would shag you, no hesitation" Gwen crooned in a baby voice, "You are sooooo cute and fuckable Yeahhhhh"

"Fuck off"

"Come on, maybe we could try it? Like a Tarzan and Jane thing? I like Tarzan, you can swing off my bedpost anytime" she poked at him with a foot and he growled as he rolled away muttering that she was with Rhys and she knew he didn't cut another man's grass.

"I hate that phrase" she pouted.

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"Come on Ianto" Tosh begged, "Please don't give up."

"Look, bar Uhura or Captain Kirk himself appearing in my bedroom buck naked covered in Tribbles I doubt very much these will ever get to see the light of day" Ianto sighed as he shoved another pair of sexy lace knickers into the box, "Thank the gods Rhiannon never found my little collection. All going to Oxfam. I give up."

"Captain Kirk?" she blinked, "Wait. A man? You were being serious about that?"

Ianto looked over at her as his hands found the string vest and he flicked that one back into the closet.

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"Come on Jack" Gwen called out "We have another mugging downtown, fella's been shot apparently.

"Bang bang Partner" Jack drawled with a wink.

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Ianto sat on the gurney and blinked as he wondered to himself where all the cowboys had gone, John Wayne would not have stood for this shit.

"How long before we can talk to him?" An American? Here in Cardiff?

Ianto opened his eyes and looked over at the man talking to the doctor just outside the curtain. As someone opened the ER doors a breeze whistled in, causing the curtains to sway, and Ianto got a good look at the man waiting to question him.

Tall, maybe even taller than him. Dark hair, spiky and straight. Clean cut and well-polished. The old WWII greatcoat set him apart. His boots were big and Ianto wondered … Stop it!

That don't impress me much!

Honest!

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Right … onto the chapters that will deal with the above dates and their cringe worthy failures.