My beloved Roger
I miss you like hell.
Just shared memories today with John, realizing that we^ll have the 10th anniversary.
Almost 10 years since we finally managed to complete the band, after all those years of half-hearted
*You know, some day we¨ll be famous-* Blah Blah.
, since we^ve found a drummer. since I have found YOU.
And i just thought it would be nice to write down a few memories for you, The more intimate ones, the ones i don’t really want to share with John, as much as I love him.
I will have plenty of time and I`m thinking about you in every free minute anyway, so I think it would make a great gift for you, for our tenth aniversary:
My thoughts written down to be shared with you.
I clearly remember all the thoughts and feelings I had when I first met you.
It had been a bad day so far.
You know how much I hate it to be late, how much i hate it to take the tube.
Me, the perfectionist, the controller.
And that day I just simply forgot about the fact that my car was still in repair,
I can¨t remember anything like that has ever happened to me before,
So, maybe, as pathetic as it sounds, it was fate?
Angry about my own stupidity, I threw myself on a free seat. I had to run to catch the train.
And god knows , I hate to run.
Many things I hate listed here so far, uh?
Bad day, I told you!
And then there was you, sitting next to me
.Earphones in, tapping your feet to an unheard rhythm..
You were readng a book. The cover said. * the joy of..* well, whatever joy it was, i could not read. It was covered by your hand.
*SEX? * I thought and had to smile about that.
I then noticed your smell.
Have i ever told you, my Roger, that you are the best smelling man in the entire world ?
Well, you are! Even after hours of drumming, or when you are coming back from one of your morning runs, covered in sweat, you still smell like that day in the tube. Are you an alien?
Ah, back to the tube:
You. Next to me. Smelling good.
Worth a second glance, I^d say.
Had to think of James Dean with.a tad of young Rock Hudson.
A little frown between your brows. Long, thick lashes.
Your lips moving, as if you¨d read that book aloud.
The joy of
I couln^t help but chuckle.
You looked up.
Ah, darn, have you heard me ? But.. headphones?
You gave me a short smirk and a nod, then returned to your book.
Brown. Your eyes. Warm. Friendly.
There was something about you. Something that made me wish to talk to you, Wishing I could, just stretch out my hand and…
• *Touch that wonderful hair of yours*
say: „ Hi, I¨m Nick“
But hey, that would be strange, huh? Odd men staring at you in the tube are most likely not something you^d be happy with. Gay men, who almost couldn^t resist to touch your wonderful hair.
• *Jesus, Rhodes! Stop that! You^ll have his fist right in your face. Stop staring at handsome strangers**
Handsome. Yes. That is what you are. A very handsome guy.
I decided that it would be safer to just look at my shoes when I heard you speaking to yourself
„ Ah..fuckfuckfuck!“ you murmured in frustration
And all i could think about was
• *, anytime,handsome! Just ask for it nicely*
And with that thought came the image.
You. On your knees. In front of me .It came in such a clear, visible picture, so intense, that it gave me a hard on right away.
• * What the hell is wrong with you, Nicholas James ! You are Nick Rhodes! You are cool. You are dominant. You are in control. Always !And here you are, freaking out about a stranger, just because he looks and smells good ?
It didn^t help much when you turned to me, pulling the earphones out , saying :
« Don¨t you hate those days ? »
And with that, you disappeared. Like a ghost. I hadn¨t even noticed that we¨d arrived at St. Johns. I had to get out there, too. I just couldn^t move.
There was still your smell. And the vision. And my massive hard on.
I can see you smiling when you read this, Roger.
I love to see you smiling and laughing.
During the years I^ve collected so many visions of you,
And the one of you laughing, head tilted back, sparkling eyes framed by those lovely wrinkles ,is one of the best.
But let^s go on.
So, my Roger, you left me totally puzzled in that freaking tube.
And i could not get this quite annoying James Blunt-song out of my head for the next 24 hours.
I hate it to be late.
I hate it to run.
I hate tubes.
And I definatly hate James Blunt!
But he sings in my head, that bastard,
• I saw your face
• In a crowded place
• And i don¨t know what to do
• Cause i¨ll never be with you
In the next week it got even worse, if possible.
I fell asleep on the couch during the day. An important day.But how could i have known that?
Just another drummer rehearshal., I thought.
Sorry to say that, Roger, but at that time i had been so sick of drummers. Really! You should have seen them!
One uglier than the other, I swear.Not to mention that they¨d ruined all of the melodies with noisy crap.
Thinking about this gives me a headache right away.
It was the day when just another one of this ugly drummers should show up in our little studio, and I fell asleep.
So again, I would be late. As for the
first audition, when some beautiful stranger in the tube distracted me so much that i missed the right station to get out.
When i woke up at three pm, i already knew Simon would be pissed.
And there he was on my message box, yelling at me.
„ Hell, Bates! Where are you? We have found him! He^s it! You have to be here to give your ok,“
At least i had my car back. No tube rides.
When I walked into the studio, I was really thinking more about my couch than any drummer.
And then, again, there was you
I had to blink.
The handsome stranger.
In our studio.
Behind the drums
Oh good lord!
„ And here there is la Diva Rhodes, finally deciding to show up“ Simon grinned and took my arm to pull me forward to the drum kit.
„ There he his! Our new drummer.His name is Roger, and he^s fucking gorgeous“
„* Uh. Roger. His name is Roger. And he is fucking gorgeous, indeed…
Rhodes! Sort yourself out! Be professional. Gaaawd..he …is…fucking…gorgeous. So fuck…stop thinking about fucking, Rhodes. Stop…fucking handsome…that hair…and all sweaty..and smelling so so…fucking good*
„ Oh, it¨s you!“ you said, smiling at me when you rose from your stool, reaching out a hand. » Hi .I^m Roger. Nice to meet you. Again. I hope you don^t think I¨m some crazy freak after my fuck-mantras in the tube. Bad habit. Someone should spank me every time i^m doing it“
“* Should..spank..you..wtf? Ah*
I somehow managed to take your hand,
„ Hi there, Roger with the bad fuck-habits“
*Did I really just say that? Roger with the bad fuck-habits?*
„ I^m Nick. And my brain works kind of strange these days“i laughed, and, thank god, you laughed back, shaking my hand.
Touching you was sending shivers down my spine. Your hand warm, strong and very maskuline, Rough and callused
• Professional, Nick! Be professional!.Be the controller !*
« Sorry for being late, Roger. Would you mind to listen to one more Song and let us see what you can do with it?“
Save a prayer. That one song where every drummer has failed so far. I hoped you won¨t. I really really wanted you.
• In the band, of course, i want you in the band. Roger with the wonderful hair and maskuline hands and bad fuck habits. I want you. On your knees…in front of me…there…that vision…again*
« Sure » you said and it took me a while to get what you were talking about.
Ah, save a prayer…
Simon had already handed the headphones to you, and John started the song.
For a while you just sat there, listening. Head tilted back, eyes closed, hands folded behind your neck.
Yet again i couldn^t help but staring at you.
As you know so well by now, my Roger, you with your hands folded behind your neck is one of my favorite posture of submission.
Works better with you on your knees, but back then it was enough to drive me crazy.
Especially with this little drop of sweat running down your neck, your lips slightly parted and the humming coming out of your throat.
I was about to panic that my staring would be way to obvious when i just realized that all of us were staring at you.. Of course.
Save a prayer. The song that has been ruined by every drummer who had tried before.
I could tell they were all hoping that you won^t.
A smile creeped up in your face and there you did it again
« fuckfuckfuckfuck »
Didn^t sound frustrated this time, more like * uh. Quite a challenge*
*someone should spank me every time I^m doing it…
Simon elbowed me and i snapped back to terms.
„ I¨m positive“ he said „ He^ll make it. I know“ he whispered.
„“OK“ you finally said when the song was over, dropping the earphones,
„ Wonderful song by the way.Love it. Not an easy task, though.“
And then.. it was magic. Pure magic. I never thought that drums could be played ever so gently.At the end we all stood there, totally blown away. Simon with tears in his eyes.
John with a huge sheepish grin on his face.
Andy with his mouth open, just speechless.
Me, i don^t know. I was just overwhelmed.
You are our drummer !
You really are!
Simon was the first to move. He pulled you in one of his bear hugs and placed a kiss on your forehead.
„ Fuckfuckfuck indeed, Roger! That was…that was…“
He dropped down on his knees and pleaded,
„ Dear Roger, please be our drummer. Please!“
And you laughed, that typical pure and honest Roger-laugh i^m so in love with.
„ It would be a pleasure to be your drummer, Simon!“
We decided to meet up later in a pub just down the road to celebrate.
Andy winked at you
„ Now you can tell the girls you are a famous drummer, eh? Will help.“
„ To be honest, Andy, I¨m not interested in girls“ you smiled, ever so confident.
• *What?? Whatwhatwhat???You^re not interested in girls? What does that mean‘ What…*
„ Don^t tell me you are a fuckin fagott, Roger ! » Andy blurted in disbelief.
« Well, Andy, I have to tell you that i am quite a fuckin fagott. Is that a problem?“
„ Ah, no, never mind. I have dealed with la Diva long enough to handle it, i think“ Andy smiled and gave you a hug.
„ La Diva, huh?“ you turned to me., smiling all over.
And I blushed . For the first time in somewhat 20 years I blushed.
John gave me a strange look.
Simon even chuckled.
Andy, god bless him. took the akwardness out of the situation by asking you :
« By the way, Roger, what^s your family name ? We have to know, for the contract“
« It^s Taylor. Roger Andrew Taylor. That^s me.“
„ This is fucking rediculous“ Simon laughed.
The other two Taylors gave a high five.
« The Taylor three ! Wahoo. We will take over world domination¨“John hugged you with a grin and I noticed that they all did that in the last few minutes. Hugging you.
My turn, then?
But I couldn^t.i just couldn^t do that.
« Well then, I^ll see you guys at eight in the pub. I really need a shower and some fresh clothes.“ You waved a hand, turning to leave.
„ Oh, Roger. Since we will bring our wifes, your boyfriend is also invited“ Simon said.
My heart skipped a beat.
« Thanks, Simon, but no boyfriend. » With that, you left.
Your ability to disapear like a ghost, leaving me completely puzzled, was really impressive back then.
I drove back home, head spinning with thoughts and feelings.
*We have a drummer! Finally. Wow. A handsome one. A gay one.With no boyfriend Who wants to be spanked for bad fuck habits.*
Roger, you have no idea how confused I have been. I felt like a teenager again. I was so not me. I used to be in control. Confident.The controller. The bossy perfectionist.
Dominant. Always on top.
But all my confidence, all my control…it was gone.
I even thought about not showing up in the pub.
I mean, you made me blush. Everyone saw it.
I had been the only one not hugging you.
At least John would have noticed that.
And how the hell should I spend an evening with you? Near you?
*You should get used to it. Being near to Roger, He^s the drummer of your band now, you idiot..
Should get used. Being near to you. Almost every day. Seeing you drumming. Sweating.Your amazing arms. Your wonderful hair. Your sparkling eyes.Your smile…*
Of course I went to the pub. For once perfectly in time.
Simon and Yas were there yet, also Andy and Trace.John without Gela, who was in LA.
But our new drummer, the third Taylor. the second fuckin faggot, wasn^t.
Simon, still blown away by your performance with save a prayer, was telling everyone for the millionth time how brilliant you have been.
I sat beside John, my oldest, my best friend.
„ Roger, huh?“ he said quietly, with a knowing grin.
„ Yeah.Roger. A very good drummer, Roger“ I replied sheepishly.
„ A very good looking gay drummer with no boyfriend“ he continued.
„ Indeed. A very nice , very easy going sweet guy who would freak out when he would know about my sexual preferences“ I sighed.
„ But there is something going on between you two, Nick, isn^t it?“
„ What is going on, John, is, that I^m all confused. Never before I had such an intense crush on someone at first sight.But what can I do? Telling him, hey Roger, guess what, I want to tie you to my bed and torture you with your own drumsticks?“
• Where the hell was that coming from? Torturing you with your drumsticks? *
John laughed. „You^re right, he would propably freak out about that, going * fuckfuckfuck* all the way.“
Good old John. Always knowing how to lighten my mood.
We were still laughing when Andy jumped up to shout your name.
„ Roger! Over here!“
• How is it possible that you look so stunning in ordinary blue jeans and a tee ? how is it that you still have this film star appearance, even in torn sneakers ? That smile of yours is killing me*
I can still remember what you wore that evening , my Roger, every little detail.
Your black, well fitted tee, with a blood red print. * Black velvet*.it said.
Dark blue jeans. Levis. Black chucks with holes in it.But most of all I remember the expression of happiness in your face, when you approached our little group.
« Hi there ! This time it¨s me being late, I guess. I apologise. Some trouble at work »
« Get the next round of drinks, and you will be forgiven¨“ Andy grinned,
It was a couple of drinks later when I found myself staring at you again.
You were playing billard with Andy. So niclely bent over the table, presenting that firm bum of yours.
The way you let the queue slip through your fingers didn^t help either.
« Oh my » i muttered. Not quiet enough for Yasmin, who sat beside me.
„ I can read your thoughts, Nick!“ she smiled devilishly.
„ Yeah, Yas, because you are thinking just the same, aren^t you?“
„ Ah, please, Nick! I^m a happily married woman! As if I would stare at sexy jeans cladded asses of other men! Puh-leeese!“
We bursted out in laughter, and you, distracted, turned to face us.
« Puuh-leese yourself, Yasmin, I have to concentrate on something here ! »
« Oh, go ahead, Roger, we like to watch you concentrate on something, really ! Yas giggled.
You raised one brow.
« Excuse me, are you two staring at my ass ? »
« You bet » we giggled unisono.
I was ok with it, I felt good with Yasmin as an alibi by my side.
„ Tststs“You grinned, shaking your head slightly when turning to the table again.
And then you wiggled that ass in front of us in a playful manner, making us laughing even more.
Easy. All easy. All fun.
It was about two in the morning when i got home that night.
Whatever got me to do that, i collected all those canes and cuffs and whips and other stuff in my bedroom which I never had really hidden awayto store it safely and discreet ,
Easy.All easy.No need for that. No need to scare you away, if you¨d ever come close to my bedroom.
I had finally managed to hug you. When we said goodbye at the taxi stand.
Everyone else did so, too before entering the cars.
You and me were the last ones to catch one and we had to wait for another car.
„ So, La Diva, thank you for an amazing evening. Thank you for having me in the band“ you said.“ I kind of figured that you are the most serious one about the band thing““
„ They are calling me the contoller, actually“ I winked . » and you don^t have to thank me for being in the band. You have by far been the best drummer that we have heard“
„ Good! „ you nodded. „ Thats good. I^m really happy about it, Nick!“
And there you stood, so happy, so honest, that I had to fling my arms around you, pulling you close.
It¨s amazing how many different things one can feel in only a few seconds.
• He smells so good. His body is so firm. And warm. And oh, it feels so good to hold him. So good. His arms around my waist. His head resting slightly at my shoulder. Hair tickling my cheek.I have to touch his hair, i have to*
My mind on autopilot, i ran my fingers through your hair, just shortly.
It was only then when the two other cars arrived, so we parted, somehow very slow. As if you would like to hold on just like me.
And then, you killed me. You literally killed me with your smile.
„ You have beautiful eyes, Nick, do you know that? Good night, precious Diva“
„ Good night, handsome drummer“
Again, i felt like a teenager. And yes , lets face it, I had fallen so madly in love with you, head over heels,
So there is nothing i wouldn¨t do for you, I can change for you. I can ban all those thoughts about leading you into submission. About giving you pain. I can. If I only can be with you.
With that tought in my head, with the feeling of your hair at my cheek, with your voice talking about my beautiful eyes, i can do it.
That’s what I thought, at least.