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He Told Us He Was An Alien But No One Expected This To Happen

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Owen sat lazily, feet propped up on the cluttered desk. Part of him was surprised Ianto hadn't had it alphabetized by now, but he supposed he was already busy fucking up his filing system in the autopsy bay. Looking down he scowled.

Two. Fucking. Hours. Until Robin was supposed to arrive. Making it at least four until he actually showed up. Not that he missed him, he quickly corrected himself. But it was more fun when Robin was around - even Owen would admit that. The grinding of the cog door pulled his head up, eyes landing on a short man with long black hair thrown into a bun. An easy confidence surrounded him, and his eyes made quick work of scanning the room. Spying Owen, a secretly pleased "Morning," escaped his lips. Getting that the chance of a reply was slim, he continued. "I saw Ianto you know? He says Tosh, Jack and uh..." he scratched his head, "I don't know...some Gwen chick. Glenda? Je-"

"Gwen," Owen cut him off. " She's called Gwen - and don't you dare tell 'er you're an alien,"

"But that's the best part!" he protested, "And anyways, I promised Ianto I'd ask you out,"     

Owen's eyes widened, pupils dilated and ablaze with panic. Robin puzzled at the man's strange actions, but what he'd said quickly set in. "What? No - not a date with me (even though you obviously want one) - Ianto's going out with you,"

"You what!?" Owen shrieked, staring at him like he'd suddenly grown another head. Though by Torchwood standards that would've been 10x more expected than what he thought Robin was saying. By this point his ears were bright scarlet and he'd started to stutter, "I- uh- no- we-"

"Oh! Right! No! With both of us! Not a date of any sorts,"

Visibly calming, Owen had time to reflect and look awkward. Because he didn't usually get like this - he was usually the one making others uncomfortable. He decided it was the serious tone Robin's delivered the message in. If he'd started with thinking Ianto'd asked him out, he'd've laughed if off - so why Robin? But Robin's always had this effect on him. He st-
"Fuck," he mumbled. "FUCK," he hastily gestured towards a blue-ish screen. "Rift activity approximately 12 miles West of here. You get Ianto, I'll get the keys,"

It seemed like only moments before they were hurtling along in the SUV, reaching the warehouse and throwing themselves out. The coms were down,but it seemed Tosh's rift scanner was working fine, as what should appear but Jack, Tosh, Gwen and....who the hell was that?

A young black haired man was leaning cockily against a sleek black cane, wine red blood trickling down his face . On it sat a wolfish grin, perfectly complementing the cheap green leather of his jacket. Suddenly, Ianto sighed, noticing the glinting belt at his hip and how familiar Jack seemed with him. "I didn't realise mental instability was something you actively looked for in a person, Jack,"

"Really?" Owen smirked, " 'Cause I figured that when he started shagging you,"    

About to bite back a sharp reply, the stranger interuppted him. "Lovely to see you you again, I suppose. But who is this?" he looked to Ianto. Jack shook his head as he leaned over, obviously used to the man's behaviour. He smiled,but as quick as a flash Jack had him handcuffed. "William Archer," he announced cheerfully, "Also known as Billy, Richard Thomas, Eric Eriksen, some Raselori name roughly translating to sparkling dick - not exactly, but I'm still sure there were better names out there for your brief career as a strippper - or Alexander-"

"Harkness," the man finished. "Alexander Harkness, at your service - particularly yours," he glanced at Ianto with a wink.

Ianto sighed, again. "Yes, when I want to have sex with a detestable psychopath, I'll let you know sir,".

Alex smiled oddly, something untraceable about the look in his eye. Because he'd only come to this stupid planet to find The Doctor, and now he'd found Jack - and he wasn't his anymore. He belonged to this mild mannered.... Welshman he saw before him. Welsh! Of all aliens and time travellers! But then again, he thought, Ianto did look good in that suit. Or maybe Dr. Harper, with his matching leather jacket....speaking of Harper, "Do you mind? I can mind read you know, and not all of us want to see that,"

" Well maybe not all of us were expecting a FUCKING PSYCHIC  to be eavesdropping!"

Alex grinned again, shoving a hand into his pocket to bring out a small metallic object, "56st century wire-scrambling....thing. Uh, yeah...that sentence. Started well, didn't it? And, by the way, I'm not really psychic, but now I know you were thinking about something you didn't want me to see,"

~~
Back at The Hub, Jack had Alex strapped to a rather unordinary blue chair - and not in a sexual way. Attached to his temples were two green wires, exactly matching the ones on his chest. The man let out an irritated with, "Is this really necessary? I've places to be you know! I mean, what, you think I'm a security risk all of a sudden? Just because John tried to kill you! I was only looking for someone, Jack, honest I-"

"Are we sure this is safe Jack?" Owen grabbed his clipboard, "He looks human,". Jack moved over, checking a box off on the shorter man's form.

"See," he started, "54th century plasma transfuge - he'll be fine,". Tosh nodded, brown hair falling to cover her eyes as she adjusted the dials. Where was Gwen during this scene? The author didn't really think about that, but as he doesn't think she's important enough to be in this scene, she's probably off with Rhys somewhere. Dinner or something nice hopefully, because he deserves better.

Now switched on, a low humming noise emmited from the wires, like the lively buzz of a hive of electricity. Only a moment later the screen next to him lit up, other worldly dialect flooding it.

"I dont know, Jack, the system doesn't recognize it," Tosh piped. Jack strutted over, taking in the symbols as Owen stared in confusion. Quickly, his face fell, realising he didn't recognise it either.

"I thought you said we could trust you!" he growled.

"I did! You can!" Alex panicked, "It's 23rd tier Baziklian! Not a mainstream language or really used at all - that's why it didn't show up on the program - but that's what it is I swear!"