Chapter Text
Immediately following the Instagram Livestream
Yuri.
Yuri did this.
It was obvious his hand was in all of it. And here was the final proof, in the picture frame that lay in my lap.
I stared down at it through blurry eyes. I couldn't seem to stop the rush of tears that kept falling uncontrollably. The gold medal — Yuri's Plisetsky's fucking first Grand Prix Final gold medal — pinned inside looked up at me, glinting in the daylight streaming through the small window in my bathroom, and it was if Yuri's emerald eyes were staring right back at me, crashing through the last of my defenses that I had tried to keep in place.
I tried not to blink, afraid that if I did the frame in my hand would dissolve and I’d lose that last piece of him. So instead I sat and cried, ugly sobs shaking through me.
This last year had been such hell, I wished I could just forget it. Completely black everything out of my mind. Except for Yuri. Yuri was the one luminous, bright, glowing ember in my otherwise fucked up life right now.
I didn't understand what I'd done wrong to encourage that crazy woman to become my own personal nightmare. I tried being nice. I tried being a jerk. I tried ignoring her. But nothing worked. She was always there — even when she wasn't. I couldn't get rid of her and I was just so fucking tired of it all. Even now, when she was in jail, I couldn't shake the feeling that she was still leering in the background, watching my every move.
When Victor approached me about doing the charity to help stalking victims I cringed inside. Was that what I was now? A victim?
I hated that that's how everyone saw me. Weak. I had to pull my shit together and show everyone that I could still be me, that I still had my JJ Style. But it made me sick to think about and I could taste the sharp metal of bile in my mouth.
I was surprised by all the fan responses. I hadn't expected that and it was touching. Staying away from social media was how I tried to stay sane these last few months, but I could see that I had to enter back into that arena again. King JJ doesn't hide after all.
The darkness was crushing though. I could barely breathe underneath it. Yuri was the only bright spec that I could look to. I craved his light, yet I knew it was something I could never have no matter how much my heart wanted it. All I could do was ignore that craving for him.
At least that’s what I’d been trying to do. Of course, it was Yuri and he wouldn’t be ignored. That evidence practically shouting up at me. How could he still be there for me? Why would he do all of this? For the life of me, I couldn't fathom what the hell he saw in me that made me worth all this effort.
The knock on the door startled me. Without waiting for my answer the knob turned, but I knew that my sister Lou would come in no matter what I answered. When I looked over though I surprised at the person who entered. It wasn’t Lou.
Beka came and sat next to me on the edge of the tub where I was perched.
“Everyone’s gone now. Your sister scared them all away,” he chuckled a bit. I nodded, and sniffed back my tears, grabbing some toilet paper to blow my nose and wipe up my face.
He took the frame out of my hands, a slight frown on his face, and muttered, “I can’t believe he gave you this medal.”
I exhaled a deep breath and shook my head, just as much in disbelief as he was. “I don’t deserve it,” I said quietly, looking over his shoulder at the frame.
“No, you don’t,” Beka’s voice didn’t hold any animosity, but his words made me wince.
He was completely right. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve Yuri. I thought of the last time I saw him. I hadn’t even been completely cognizant at the time. All I knew was that he was the only one who could pull me out of the pit I was sinking in. I don’t even remember calling him. The only thing I remembered was feeling his arms tight around me, his brilliant green eyes filling my vision when all else was a blur.
Then, it was like that angelic force was ripped away from me. Even though I couldn’t be with him, I always felt like Yuri was my guardian angel from afar. I just had to think of him there, in my city, his presence permeating everything, keeping me from losing myself completely to the abyss that was always one breath away from swallowing me whole.
Of course, he had to go back to Russia — though I'm sure he didn't realize he was taking my mangled, bloody mess of a heart with him. I couldn’t even pretend with Izzy anymore after that. All I could do was stare at the black hole in my chest.
Absentmindedly, I rubbed at my chest. Beka noticed. “You know, Yuri didn’t do this because you deserved it.” I knew he was referring to more than the medal.
Handing me back the frame, he flipped it over. In the corner was tucked a small but thick envelope. The surprise must have been evident in my face because he gave a small grunt and nodded.
“He did this because he loves you.” Standing, Beka turned to leave. But before opening the door he turned back, his face solemn. “Do better than I did, Jean. Don’t let him go.”