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H-E-Double-Hockey Sticks

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(The screen is black. Out of the darkness, a spotlight revealing Ace appears, shining down on him)

Ace: Oh, hey there. I bet you're wondering: "Who are you? Why am I here? What is this place? Why is he asking questions I might ask him?" Well, the answer is simple: I'm Ace, you're in Hell, and you're here because you're a shitty person. "But what did I do?" I don't know, why don't you asked the guy you murdered, or the woman you raped, or the child you abused. Yes, everyone is here for a reason, dipshit. You may not know the reason, but the big guy, the Devil, does. So, now that we've been properly introduced, let's take a walk around, shall we?

(The camera follows Ace as he walks to a door. He opens it, and reveals a gloomy looking city with a dark red tint in the sky. Outside the city, screams of agony can be heard)

Ace: This is the city. It's bit dirty, a bit dark, and there are a lot of bars. So it's a demon's playground.

(The camera follows Ace as he walks down the street, leading the way. The camera stops on a big demon wearing a gas mask)

Ace: This is my buddy, Grim. In life, he was a fire fighter. But the thing is, he also KILLED people. He would actually kill people behind his policewoman friend's back, and she had no clue he was committing the murders. How sick is that? He kept doing it until 2001 when he ironically died in a fire. But here's the catch: He only killed bad people, kind of like that show Dexter. That's why he's here in the city, rather than in the fire pits with the rest of sinners. You see, people who sin for a good cause are not put in the fire pits, but rather sent to live in this city. Sure, they may have killed a few people, but the person they killed was a pedophile. They may have stolen some stuff, but they person they stole it from was rich douchebag who didn't care about anyone but himself. Just because people sin, it doesn't mean they are bad people. As long as you have a good reasoning for your sin, you live here. Alright, let's move on.

(The camera pans onto a demoness who looks like a Frankenstein monster)

Ace: This is Elsa. In life, she was a surgeon. She was well known for stealing the organs of men and women she had business with and selling them on the streets. She did it because all the people she worked with with were bad people and she wanted to give poor people the organs they need. She did surgeries in alleyways, and that kind of caused her to get her medical license revoked. Even with the loss of her medical license, she kept giving alleyway surgeries until she died in 1903 when a serial killer dismembered her. Back to what I said before, even people who do malicious things can have good intentions. Except rapists. Fuck them.

(The camera pans onto a demoness who looks like she's part snake, wearing western gear)

Ace: This is Diamondback. Her real name was Abigail Brown, and she was one of the most famous outlaws in the wild west. She would always rob stagecoaches and rich folks, but she always gave all the money she stole to orphanages. She kept doing this until she died in 1896 when she was bitten by a rattlesnake. You know, whenever someone comes here, they're brought to the Devil to see if their actions were justifiable. If they were, they're sent to live in the city, like Grim, Elsa, or Diamondback. If they weren't, they're sent to the fire pits, where their soul will suffer for all eternity to make up for the awful sin they committed. Anyway, since you're new here, let's go see the big guy himself.

(The camera follows Ace to a large building, painted red. He rings the doorbell, and it gives a loud shrieking noise. The door is answered by a skeleton wearing a long, black robe and carrying a scythe)

Death: What is it now, Ace?

Ace: We've got a newcomer.

Death (unenthusiastically): Oh, fun. Welcome to Hell, new guy.

(Death leads them to an office, and they stop at the door)

Death: You might want to wait out here for a bit.

(She enters the office, and Ace turns to the camera)

Ace: She seems fun, doesn't she? Did you know she's the one who brought you here?

Death (offscreen): Sir, there's a newcomer here.

Unknown: A newcomer? Very well, bring them in.

(Death leaves the office)

Death: Good luck.

(The camera zooms into the office as Ace is walking in. The voice is revealed to be the Devil himself)

Ace: Lucifer! How's it goin', man?

Devil: Ace, is that any way to talk to your boss?

Ace: Oh right, sorry sir.

(The Devil gets up from his chair and walks towards the camera)

Devil: So, your this newcomer, huh?

(The camera goes up and down, implying that the camera is a person nodding their head up and down)

Devil: Well, Death just gave me your history forms, and I've been looking to see if your actions were justifiable and... I'm sorry buddy, you're not a sinner that sinned for a good cause, you're just an asshole.

(The Devil turns to Ace)

Devil: Ace... take this one to the pits.

Ace: Yes sir.

(Cuts to the camera following Ace through a pathway with holes filled with fire and screams coming from them)

Ace: Sorry, buddy. You didn't make the cut. You aren't a dark knight, you aren't a polite wolf in sheep clothing, you're just a terrible person. That's why you'll be staying here in the fire pits, also called the ghettos, with all the murderers, rapists, pedophiles, abusers, politicians, etc, who actions were no way in heck justifiable. Ah, here we are!

(The camera looks down into a pit filled with fire. The sound of screaming can be heard from it)

Ace: Please enjoy the rest of your visit here! Now, without further a do... (voice becomes demonic) WELCOME TO HELL.

(Ace pushes the camera into the pit, and the camera falls as flames engulf the screen. Cuts to black)