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Shades of red

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Rachel.

 

I always thought that I was bound to be a great actress no matter the situation I would end up being in, but I was proven wrong when my façade shattered into a million pieces, each of them breaking even more when they collided with the floor. Tears flooded my eyes before breaking free like a great waterfall that couldn’t be stopped by any means, ruining the small amount of makeup that I chose to wear for that date, but I didn’t care at all because the only I could feel was Quinn’s gentle touch as she tried to wipe the tears away.

“Rach, why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?” She asked, concern dripping from her voice and a subtle ounce of self-consciousness decorating her last words. I shook my head, because she hadn’t done anything wrong. It was me. It was me because I wanted something else apart from her friendship. I wanted something that would go beyond that. I yearned for her love even if I already knew that I wasn’t the one destined to have it.

“It’s just that I can’t take this anymore,” I managed to whisper, probably confusing Quinn even more. I noticed that my words had added even more drama to the already dramatic scenario we were in: Outside of the Fabray household at night after a friendly date to Breadsticks to discuss some Glee issues, everything being perfect until my soul finally broke into two because I was being a bad friend thanks to my selfishness. But I didn’t care. Nor did I happen to appreciate the drama, since it hurt so, so much.

“Rachel, talk to me. What can’t you take anymore?” She questioned, her voice low and soft. I couldn’t avoid looking at her lips. Her rosy lips. They looked so soft and kissable. I immediately snapped out of it and looked at Quinn’s worried hazel eyes. She was truly a beauty queen even when her features were filled with worry.

“Faking…” I muttered as if that sole word was going to explain everything. I knew she was about to ask another question when I saw how she raised an eyebrow while her lips were separating slightly, so I decided to elaborate my answer. “I’m tired of faking that I’m happy when I’m not,” I finally said, breaking eye contact as if I suddenly found the floor more fascinating than Quinn Fabray herself.

Silence suddenly reigned the place, not a single sound could be heard which was actually pretty normal because it was 1AM, and I didn’t have the guts to break it, to keep on talking, to admit the truth I tried to run away from since I noticed that I was living in a tangled web of lies. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, gathering enough courage to look at Quinn once more. She was looking at me with such a soft expression that I almost felt naked as she tried to decipher the mess that was going on inside my mind.

I recalled every moment that made me be there, outside her house at 1AM, under such a romantic sky filled with stars yet surrounded by an overwhelming dramatic atmosphere. I thought about the first time I saw her during freshman year and how her beauty had been able to take my breath away in a matter of mere seconds. About the first time I saw her smile and heard her laugh when she was talking with Santana and Brittany. About the first time she called me names, slushied me, made fun of me, yet I couldn’t hate her because there was always something inside me that would just be bewildered because I never understood why she would make the effort to torment a nobody like me. About the first time I saw her and Finn sharing a kiss and how it broke my heart somehow yet I chose to think that it was because that meant that I wouldn’t have a chance with the most popular boy of the whole school. About how her negative comments in MySpace were the ones that pushed me to be better. About the fear beneath her eyes in sophomore year when she told me that I would never have Finn and the pain that she tried to hide when she got pregnant. About how she seemed to be grateful when I supported her once Beth’s real father was revealed. About how she told me that she told Finn what I asked her to say and how he shot her down. About how much it hurt when Sam was after her and she somehow ended up with Finn once more even if it didn’t last that much. About how I discovered that it was her who I wanted to kiss, hug, wake up with, cuddle with; when I realized I may had loved Finn but it was Quinn who I was in love with.

“I understand it… I understand you ,” She whispered softly, as if I was made of crystal and she was afraid of breaking me. “I realized some months ago that I was faking happiness, confidence and graceness, and that hurt like hell because I had none of those up until a couple of months ago... But you were always there no matter what, more supportive than everyone else, so now it’s my turn to be a good friend and comfort you. So tell me… What’s going on?” I thought that I didn’t have any more tears left to cry, but when Quinn hugged me I was proven wrong once more. It was the second hug that she had given me, and I felt more protected there, in her arms, than when Finn held me close to him or kissed me or just told me pretty things with his goofy smile.

“Finn asked me to marry him…” I muttered, remembering the smile filled with hope that appeared on his lips when he proposed. I remembered how much it hurt to think that sooner or later I would have to crush Finn’s hopes. I remembered is pained look when I told him that I needed some time to think about it.

“Did you accept?” She asked dryly, the friendliness and worry disappearing away for a couple of seconds. It was then that I noticed that she was tense, and it brought me some memories back. It was like when we were in the auditorium and she was telling me that I wouldn’t be happy with Finn, but this time without being in an argument.

“No… I said that I didn’t know and that I would like to have some time before I gave him a proper answer,” It was funny because Quinn seemed to relax whereas I was on the edge of freaking out completely. I almost whined when she separated, but I didn’t because she remained very close to me even if we weren’t hugging anymore.

“Well, I am glad you are thinking about it… You are too young, Rachel. Besides, I don’t think you should marry him because I know that it is, he is, going to ruin your life, and I don’t mean it in a bad or cruel way,” She whispered and I immediately knew that she was right in a way or another, even if I was reluctant to admit it. I shook my head and inhaled, trying to gather the guts that I needed to tell her the truth that lied beneath my actions.

“Quinn… You may be right, but that’s not why I told him that I needed time,” I said in a mere whisper which I thought she hadn’t heard until I saw her expression change from concerned to curious and confused.

“Then why?” She asked, her tone giving away how surprised she actually was. Not that I couldn’t blame her for being surprised, Finn and I were like a dream couple, or at least we looked like one, after all,. It was ‘now or never’ for me. That was the perfect moment to admit my feelings, and if she rejected me I could just run away and act as if nothing had ever happened for the few months of high school that we had left before senior year.

“Because he is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is no longer the one that owns my heart, and I doubt he has ever actually owned it, because my heart beats for other person. Finn deserves someone who can truly love him, someone who’s actually in love with him, and I cannot be that person since I already am in love with someone else,” Quinn’s eyes were teary, her lips slightly parted, and she was slowly separating from me. I took some steps backwards and embraced myself.

A breeze of cool air collided with us, moving Quinn’s hair in such an artistic and romantic way that it deserved to be photographed and immortalized. I was conscious that I was a big diva, but I wouldn’t be able to create such a dramatic situation even if I tried repeatedly. I wondered if that’s the aesthetic that Quinn and I had. A never ending drama that somehow held such passion and romanticism beneath it that was breathtaking.

“This person… I never expected to fall for this person, it just happened. I always thought that Finn would be my one and only, my soulmate, the one that I would love to infinity no matter what happened,” I closed my eyes, lowering my head as I thought about the perfect way to continue my speech. “But at the same time my relationship began to bloom, I began to feel attracted to this person. Or that’s what I first thought before realizing that I was head over heels for them since I first met them and they took my breath away without even noticing what they had done,” Despite the situation, I smiled. I smiled because I was finally telling someone the truth, and that this someone was the person made me want to smile more even if there was a chance to end up pitifully rejected.

“Why are you telling me this?” She asked in a hushed whisper, her voice almost cracking. Based on that, I assumed that she maybe liked me back, that my feelings weren’t unrequited, but I couldn’t get my hopes up, not when the most important part was still unsaid.

“Because it’s you,” I said, taking a step closer with a confidence that I surely didn’t have seconds before. “This person is no one else but you, Quinn Fabray. I… I know that this may sound a bit crazy, well a lot actually, but I was mesmerized when I first saw you. And I’m sure that I’ve already told you this, but you are not only the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, but you are funny, smart, strong and interesting as well. I’m supposed to hate you after all the bullying that I’ve suffered from you but I just can’t because I’m way too busy being head over heels for you. I want to be there whenever you need someone to comfort you just like I did last year, I want to be the shoulder you cry on, the one that will be there for you no matter what,” My voice was about to falter when I finished talking, and it made me wonder if I would be able to take the last step left.

“Rach—” Quinn’s voice did falter, cracked in fact, and seconds afterwards there were tears running down her rosy cheeks. She was silently crying once more, like she was in sophomore year when Finn discovered that he wasn’t Beth’s father. I felt the urge to just hug her but I didn’t know if the action would be welcomed, so I remained close to her yet away at the same time.

“Wait, please… I would like to sing you something first, if you let me.” I said with the best grin I could smile. When she nodded, I cleared my throat and closed my eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply once or twice.



You're on the phone with your boyfriend

He's upset

He's going off about something that you said

'Cause he doesn't get your humor like I do

I'm in my room

It's a typical Tuesday night

I'm listening to the kind of music he doesn't like

And he'll never know your story like I do

 

But you wear short skirts

I wear T-shirts

You’re cheer captain

And I'm on the bleachers

Dreaming about the day when you wake up

And find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time

 

If you can see I'm the one who understands you

Been here all along so why can't you see

You belong with me

You belong with me

 

Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans

I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be

Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself

Hey isn't this easy

 

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town

I haven't seen it in a while since he brought you down

You say you're fine

I know you better than that

Hey what you doing with a boy like that?

 

You wear high heels

I wear sneakers

You’re cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers

Dreaming about the day when you wake up

And find that what what you're looking for has been here the whole time

 

If you can see that I'm the one who understands you

Been here all along so why can't you see

You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door

All this time how could you not know

Baby, you belong with me

You belong with me

 

Oh, I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night

I'm the one who makes you laugh

When you know you're about to cry

And I know your favorite songs

And you tell me about your dreams

I think I know where you belong

I think I know it's with me

 

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you

Been here all along so why can't you see

You belong with me

 

Standing by and waiting at your back door

All this time

How could you not know

Baby you belong with me

You belong with me

 

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe

You belong with me

You belong with me

 

When I stopped singing I sighed in pure relief because I hadn’t stuttered or faltered throughout the song. Quinn, however, remained completely silent and I thought that it was because she was thinking about  the perfect way to reject me. It would make sense, after all I had basically thrown a lot of shade on Finn and Puck and even Sam on the song and claimed that she would be better with me when I didn’t even know if she still loved any of them or if she could reciprocate my feelings. I looked at her in the eyes, and I felt fear because her expression was completely blank.

I saw how she raised her left hand and I instantly closed my eyes out of habit, waiting for a slap that never happened. Instead of a slap, I felt Quinn’s soft touch on my right cheek and in a matter of seconds I felt her other hand on my left cheek. Before I could open my eyes again, I felt her lips on mine. I wasn’t wrong that time. Her lips were indeed as soft as they seemed to be. I forgot how to breathe for some seconds, but then I regained my composure and kissed her back as tenderly as she was kissing me, my hands finding their way to her waist. I could feel the famous butterflies that everyone talked about in my stomach and how the world seemed to stop as if nothing but us mattered anymore. The drama had created a perfect romantic scenario, and the romantic scenario had led to an outstanding first kiss with the girl of my dreams.

When we separated from each other, the first thing I looked at were those rosy lips. So beautiful, so soft and so marvellous. Then I noticed the furious blush that was covering her usually pale cheeks, and I smiled because that shade of red looked extremely well on her, and then she matched my smile with one of hers that could light up a dark and mournful place. I looked at her eyes, her gorgeous hazel eyes, which were more alive than ever before since freshman year ended.

“I find fascinating how you changed some parts of the song so it would be perfect for this situation,” She whispered, creating an intimate atmosphere between the two of us. Some tears fell from her eyes, and I wiped them with my thumbs just as carefully as she had done it with me minutes ago. “And I find fascinating the fact that you claim to have fallen in love with me when I was such a… Bad person to you whenever I could,” I smiled when she stopped talking because I knew that she was fighting the need of saying ‘bitch’. “I want to tell you a little secret,” She proceeded, pressing softly her forehead against mine.

“What is it?” I asked in a tone that matched hers.

“It may sound like a cliché… It is going to sound like a cliché, but I acted like that because I was scared. The first time I saw you, you were answering one question in History class and I was shocked. Not only were, and are, beautiful but you were, and still are and oh how I love it, determined. You always put so much effort and determination behind everything you do, no matter if it’s a small or big thing, that I ended up feeling attracted by you in a matter of weeks.” Her voice was filled with adoration and love, and I felt flattered not only because of what she was saying, but also because it was the first time I saw Quinn Fabray speaking like that. “But as you may know… My father had, and has, a bad influence in our house. Since I was a little kid, I grew up listening to him saying how homosexual people were just a mistake made by God, a disgrace… And when he learned about you and your two fathers… Oh Heavens forgive me for speaking ill of him, but he became insufferable and I didn’t want to let him down… But I ended up falling for you,” She let out a chuckle and walked slightly away. “I’m sorry for all the bad things I made you go through, you didn’t even deserve them...” Quinn said with her head hanging low, and I shook my head.

“It totally is a cliché, but at least not as much as the “head cheerleader and the team quarterback” thing, don’t you think?” She laughed softly and oh how angelic said sound was. When she nodded, I resumed my speech. “I forgave you a long, long time ago. And I’m happy that these feelings are reciprocated because you’ve just made me the happiest girl ever,” Our smiles were reflections of the other, and it was then that I noticed how she was slowly walking towards me once more.

“Rachel Barbra Berry… Do you want to be my girlfriend?” She asked with a voice so sweet that I could have melted right then. I held her hand and gave it a little squeeze.

“I… Still have to break up with Finn,” I said, and she looked at me with a sad expression, which made me smile and laugh. “But I cannot be another second without being yours.” I said, holding her left cheek with my free and and pulling her closer as gently as I could, kissing her once more.

“Thank you… For giving me this chance,” She muttered inches away from my lips, and I smiled, brushing her lips when I grinned, what made her laugh a bit.

“Thank you for loving me back… But we should keep this as a secret, at least for now,” I murmured, not wanting to break the spell we were under.  

“Yeah… But keep in mind one thing. I’m not ashamed of you, okay?” I nodded and kissed her once more, a kiss that was considerably shorter than the others but as tender and passionate as them. “I have to go home now… I don’t want to be in trouble for arriving late even if it already is... “ She looked at her clock and nodded as she grimaced a bit. “1:32AM”

“I agree with you, you should get in and I should get to my house as soon as possible if I want to be alive tomorrow… I have a strict schedule that I have to follow no matter what,” I said jokingly even if my words were completely true. “Besides, I don’t want to get you into trouble because of me,” I said softly, a shy smile appearing on my lips. Quinn chuckled and shook her head with a small grin.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Holy Grail,” She said with a playful wink as she walked away, leaving me behind with a goofy smile. My cheeks burned thanks to the ‘holy grail’ nickname, and I finally felt happy after entire months of faking it.

I finally felt like a winner for the first time in a long time.