The year is 2013, and the internet of viral videos and youtube memery is in full swing. Bella and the Cullens are not immune to the lure of the fails, charlie-bit-my-fingers, and Sweet Browns that dance across the blocky Macbooks of Forks High School.
It is on a rare sunny day (which means that the Cullens are on a “hike”-- to protect the sensitive humans from their shiny, shiny vampire skin) that Bella is glumly contemplating her virginity.
See, Edward was all gung-ho about living together forever, getting married, literally sucking poison out of her body, and committing suicide for her, but he can’t seem to stomach the idea of a handjob in their special meadow.
Edward was raised in a different generation, Bella was a fragile mortal, and Edward could bite her in the throes of his first orgasm-- Wait, would it be? Could Edward have gone a hundred years without ever masturbating? Surely not. Maybe he doesn’t want to do it because he knows he makes a really embarrassing sound or something. I mean, Edward clung to the “mysterious, suave, dignified early twentieth century vampire” thing kind of hard. Maybe he just didn’t want to compromise his image by putting himself in… a compromising position.
Bella was chewing this over thoughtfully while also chewing some overcooked cafeteria vegetables when she heard a shocked outburst of laughter from the other side of the table.
Jessica was sitting on her left, round apple earbuds in, watching a video on her new iPhone 4. She was holding the phone with one hand, while the other was clapped over her mouth to stifle her screaming laughter. Her feet were flailing under the table with raucous hysteria. Jessica’s eyes were absolutely glued to the screen.
Bella waited until Jessica had slammed her phone down on the table and rested her head on her folded arms to laugh into her chest. “Bells, Bells, you HAVE to see this video, girl, I am CRYING!”
Tears of laughter were indeed seeping out of Jessica’s eyes. Bella was curious, and momentarily distracted from the thought of railing her rock-hard vampire boyfriend.
Bella paused. Wait, if he doesn’t have blood, does he get boners? Or if it’s like marble when they cuddle, does that mean he’s always hard? Where does he hide it, then? Bella stared out the window for a moment in contemplation.
“Hello! Earth to Bella! Put the earbuds in.” Jessica shoved her phone at Bella.
Bella put the earbuds in, and pressed play on the youtube video-- “The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates”.
On the screen, a tall blonde and short brunette were dressed as catholic schoolgirls, singing innocuously about their blind devotion to God. The music was sweet organ music with a tinkling beat in the background. Bella checked the views-- five million!
Bella gasped as the girls sang, “I made a pact to keep my hymen intact and jesus and I are tight!” Sounds like Edward, she thought. She giggled.
Bella cocked her head as the song started describing the loophole-- “since I’m not a Godless whore, he’ll have to come in the backdoor…”
Bella snorted with surprise as the girls passionately sang, “FUCK ME IN THE ASS BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS!”
Jessica laughed by proxy as Bella watched, and Bella glanced over her at with wide eyes. The song came to a climax as the women skated around giant buttcheeks with Jesus Christ.
“Wasn’t that just hilarious?” Jessica screamed, passing the phone on to Mike so he could enjoy the viral song.
A niggling idea was pushing at the back of Bella’s mind. She looked moodily out the window again. “Yeah, it was.”
Jessica sighed. “You just don’t get it because you’re still a virgin.”
Bella smirked at her reflection in the sunny window. “For now.”