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One Last Thought

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Jon started walking towards the end of the platform, rope tied tight around his neck, and he waited for the sweet pressure of the noose to press into his windpipe, and for the wonderful relief of death. ‘No more problems’ Jon laughed, he wondered what his last thought was gonna be. “How cliche” One step, two step, three step, four. One more step you’ll be no more. Lyrics to an unfinished song swirled in his mind, unshed tears building up in his eyes, and freshly cut wounds stung in crimson lines on his arms. Jon was empty, his heart was a void, he hasn’t felt anything in years. The only person who made him feel anything was-

Well it doesn’t matter now.

He was happy with someone else.

Jon began to take another step, but something stopped him.

Salt burned the open cuts on his arms, warmth and pain surrounded his slit wrists, dragging him back.

He heard someone shout, he felt himself be dragged into somebody’s arms. It was all so familiar.

Being held on the couch, one of James’ hands wrapped protectively around his wrist, and the other tracing lines on his scars.

Being pulled into a tight hug at random times and being showered with affection he didn’t deserve, but James insisted that he give him every bit of appreciation he had because Jon DID deserve it, that he DID deserve happiness, that he DID deserve love.

And for a while, Jon believed it. He truly did believe it. He was happy with James, and Jon thought there could be a future.

Jon was going to ask if there could’ve been one. But when he came into the room to ask, he saw. 

There she was, holding James the way Jon held him, kissing him in a way Jon could have only dreamed of. Jon ran from there, grabbing rope and whatever sharp object he could find.

And now he’s here, being held by arms so familiar yet so foreign. Arms that could elicit responses Jon would have never have done in any other situation. By a man who made him feel again, someone who made him realize he could still love.

Jon’s tears were being kissed away, he didn’t even realize he was crying.

His tears were mingled by James’, and he heard his own broken sobs escape him before he could hold them back. He was a wreck, no wonder James didn’t want him

“Jon, Jon look at me, baby that’s not true”

Jon looked up, apparently he said that out loud. James kept talking.

“I love you more than anything else in the world, I can’t imagine one without you, ever since I met you, you have meant everything to me, I need you in my life. I couldn’t live if you’d died, please,  stay with me, Jon, please.”

Jon stared into James’ tear filled eyes and realized if he continued there would be more. He didn’t want there to be more. James leaned down and kissed the top of his head, tears making his hair damp, and Jon could barely make out the mumbles of praise and love that were being uttered in worshipful reverence.

“Let’s go home”

 

Jon felt safe.

 

He went home.