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That Mitchell and Webb Short Fic Collection

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"You don't have to do this." David told Robert when he cornered him in his dressing room after they'd finished a day of shooting on the set of Peep Show.

"Do what?" Robert sighed as he sat down in a chair, picking up his script and looking over lines for tomorrow.

"You don't have to avoid me, you don't have to put distance between us." David was exasperated, when it first started David shrugged it off but not anymore.

"Yes, I do." Robert had put down his script, he needed to get away from here.


"Because things a different now." David just stared at Robert. "I'm married now."

"You're married, that has very little to do with us talking to each other." David gestured around them. "It has very little to do with us writing together." Robert stayed silent for a minute as he thought about what to say.

"I'm not distancing myself from you because of our writing together. I'm distancing myself from you because of..." Robert's voice trailed off. “Because of the other thing." Robert had his eyes glued to the floor.

"The sex we used to have?" David raises an eyebrow, managing to look like a cross between annoyed and amused.


"Rob, look at me." It took a minute but Robert finally looks up into David's eyes. "I have no desire to destroy your marriage. Certainly not this early into it."

"But-" Robert interjected but David held up a hand to silence him.

"We haven't had sex in over three months. Even before the engagement things between us had been slowing down."


"No, you've been avoiding me, cutting off conversations for weeks. It's my time to speak." David didn't sound angry or upset, he was just stating facts. He waited for Robert to nod before continuing. "It's not an accident that that portion of our relationship has been in decline, I saw the way you looked at Abigail- I think I noticed that you liked her before you even did. I started to back off then. I'm not going to jump you or anything, if that's what you're worried about."

"David." Rob sighed, his tone full of astonishment. "That's not what I'm worried about, it's me not being able to control myself around you that's the problem."

"Did it ever occur to you that I can say "No', Robert?" David rolled his eyes.


"Well, I can." David walked over to him and ran his fingers through Robert's hair, he looked him in the eyes and whispered. "And I will. Just please, please, don't shut me out. Don't send me away."

Robert was only slightly horrified to realise he was crying. He was crying as David wrapped his arms around him, He was crying as David was whispering to him.

"We're going to be all right?" Robert wanted it to be a statement but it sounded more like a question.

"Yeah." David told him reassuringly. "Yeah, we're going to be better than all right."

Chapter Text

Robert had been stewing in his own rage. Okay, maybe rage was a strong word for it but he was angry. Angry at this new, cynical man that had wormed his way into David’s life and somehow made David like him. David didn’t just like someone, not that quickly. There was something about the way Charlie would laugh and lightly touch David’s arm that made Robert’s blood boil.

Robert’s tipping point came one night at some party/networking opportunity that they were coerced into going to. It was an all right night during the first hour or so, Robert found interesting people to talk to and David stayed close by, within Robert’s reach, which pleased him enormously. Until David was swept into some debate involving Hitler and other evil leaders in history, Rob knew there was no keeping him then. He would look over and smile as David got worked up.

The next time Robert looked over David wasn’t there, his eyes scanned the room until he found him, talking to Charlie Brooker of all people. His hands almost instantly clenched into fists when he noticed him, he excused himself from his conversation and strode over to David and Charlie, reminding himself to remain calm.

“Robert.” David greeted. “Charlie was just telling me about the circus which was him trying to arrive here today.”

“Were you?” Robert made sure his tone was mildly interested and not annoyed. “The circus didn’t manage to stop you?”

“No, it failed.” Charlie laughed, scratching at his arm nervously. “It wasn’t a real circus, to be clear.”

“I realised that.” Rob barely managed not to roll his eyes.

“I’m going to go get us drinks,” David announced, giving them both a pleading look.

“So, what are your intentions with my friend?” He had to make sure that his conversation sounded like a joke in case David ever found out.

“W-what?” Charlie stammered.

“David, my best friend and comedy partner of many, many years, what do you intend or want to do with him?” Robert stared at him, heard Charlie swallow, watched as the sweat started to form at the top of his hairline.

“I, uh, I don’t intend to do anything with him.” Charlie lied.

“Hmm, okay, good. It would be awkward if you did.” Robert pulled out a handkerchief and passed it to Charlie. “This might help dry off some of your sweat.”

“Why would it be awkward?” Charlie nearly squeaked.

“Because, Charlie, David’s mine.”

Rob smirked at Charlie and as David came back with drinks, Robert very deliberately brushed his fingers against David’s as he took his glass. Rob leant close to David, giving him a quick, but firm, kiss, enjoying the half gasps coming from both David and Charlie. Whether the kiss was out of spite or out of love, Robert didn’t know. They both looked like they were going to say something but Robert just shrugged.

“We’re all friends here.”

Charlie didn’t touch David much after that, much to Robert's delight.