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Continuing On

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“Shit” I thought to myself. I stared back at the white sticks of varying brands littering the counter in the tiny room that was my bathroom. I was tempted to grab the last one because I was still struggling to believe the other six tests but decided against it.

          I sank to the ground next to my antique claw foot tub and pulled me knees to my chest. How could I not have known? I just assumed everything that was happening was the result of the grief I was experiencing after his death. Luckily, my weird cravings, bipolar-like mood swings and clockwork morning sickness did not go unnoticed by my best friend, Victoria. I can’t say that I am really surprised though. She knew instantly when her sister was pregnant both times, even before her sister realized it. Some people are just that perceptive I guess.

          I slowly stood up off the ground when my back began to hurt from being pressed against the hard surface of the tub. I started to make my way to the couch in my living room and sat in front of the stop where I kept my most prized possession. A single picture of him and me in a wooden frame, taken in Battery Park, four months ago. It was taken by Victoria a month before he died and left me all alone. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was one of his rare days off and since it was so nice out we decided to enjoy a little picnic in the park. It had been a long, harsh winter and I was really looking forward to soaking up some much needed vitamin D. Victoria joined us on our fun afternoon out. She snapped that picture while we weren’t looking. It was one of the many moments that day we were solely focused on just each other. I may have already been pregnant at that point and never knew it. I began to feel something wet on my face and realized that I had begun crying. I couldn’t stop myself. It seems that is the only thing I am really able to do these days.

          I wasn’t at the hospital with him when he passed away. I couldn’t attend his funeral because our parents didn’t even know we were even seeing each other. Sure, I knew of him from various NYPD picnics and family functions, but we were by no means of the definition close and only reconnected two years ago. Even if our parents knew that we had reconnected, I’m not sure they would have been very happy about it. Not only was there a 13 year age difference between us, but both of our fathers had some serious clout with the NYPD. His father was the Deputy Chief of Detectives for SVU across the five boroughs. My father has spent the majority of his career going after “dirty” cops, which in turn has made him one of the most feared and hated men within the NYPD. Neither man liked each other and I’m sure both tried to get rid of the other every now and then, which only furthered tension between the two.

          I’m brought back from my thoughts when my phone begins to beep obnoxiously. Without even looking at it, I know that it is Victoria. She has to be on edge waiting for me to tell her the results since she was the one who brought over all of the tests last night. I begin to cry even harder while hugging one of my throw pillows to my chest. How am I going to tell Victoria, let alone anyone else about this? The fear of what will happen when everyone finds out completely terrifies me but I know that can’t avoid the truth forever. At some point everyone is going to know that I, Aubree Regan Tucker, only child of IAB Captain Ed Tucker, am pregnant with Sergeant Michael Dodds, fallen son of Deputy Chief William Dodds, child.