At first he thought it was a hallucination.
Lots of things were. Especially since Ness had gone and left him. Oh, okay, fine, he'd brought her back from the dead, but it turned out time travel didn't quite work the way he'd assumed. She remembered dying and he remembered all of the rest of it. She sat him down and kissed him and told him she needed some time, and then she shaved her head and joined a girly screamo band and was lezzing it up in Iceland, currently, while he was all alone and celibate an entire ocean away. Fucking Iceland.
Wait, no! That was just a fucked-up jerkoff fantasy! In reality, she'd kissed him and told him she needed time, and then she'd moved in with Domino across town. And had a job. Doing computer stuff, all alone. Without Wade.
It kind of sucked when your devoted girlfriend got her own arc, actually.
So he'd been hallucinating a lot of things, like Ness going down on an Icelandish girl with blue hair, and his own amputated foot, which he'd definitely put down the garbage disposal and which was not sitting on top of the fan blades in the living room. This had to be another hallucination. Probably.
"You're a hallucination," he told the woman in the corner, who'd shot him eleven times in the five minutes he'd been explaining the sitch to the audience. "Go away."
"Do these bullets feel like hallucinations to you?" she snarled, and emptied another clip into him.
"Ow. Yes. Ow!"
"If I were a hallucination, could I do this?" A knife, thrown into the meat of his shoulder.
"Jesus Christ! Also, yes. It's called psychosomatic pain, and plenty of people with post-traumatic stress disorder have it." He pulled the knife out of his shoulder. It felt like lighting his own skin on fire, but he stopped caring when he gripped the hilt of the knife, because hey, it was solid! And so had the bullets been. Actually, if she was a hallucination, he probably shouldn't be able to stick his fingers in his bullet wounds like this, or make them go squish, or be covered in blood when he pulled his fingers out. And his healing factor wouldn't work on a hallucination, would it? "Hey, wait a second. I'm starting to think you're not a hallucination at all!"
"I've been trying to tell you." She put her gun back in the clip and crossed her arms, glaring at him. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Hey. You showed up in my apartment, literally just appeared out of nowhere, like a really sexy murder-ghost. So -"
"My name is Amaranth, and I'm from the future."
Wade gasped. "Oh my God. Are you girl!Cable? Is that a gun in your chest or are your nipples happy to see me?" Girl Cable! Wait till he told Summers -
"No. What the fuck? Look." Girl!Cable, or not girl!Cable, sighed and shook her head. "I knew this would suck," she muttered.
"I'm actually really good at cunnilingus. I'd say call my girlfriend for confirmation, but she's dead." No, wait. "I mean alive. Dead to me. Downtown." Uptown? Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world -
"Two thousand years in the future, the man you call Cable is a sociopathic warlord and you're his favorite weapon of mass destruction," the hallucination who didn't want him to go down on her said. "All of our best multiverse seers say that the only way to stop him is for one of you to die, now, in the 21st century. I was sent back to give you a choice. Figure out a way to kill yourself, or I'll kill him."
"Plot twist, I literally just almost died. All I have to do is get sent back to the Ice Box and that'll be that."
She cocked her head at him. "You're not going to say you don't want to die?"
He couldn't stop himself from beaming. "Oh, don't worry, I pretty much always want to die." And Ness was still dead - no, Ness was alive! But not talking to him. Bummer. They could meet again in the afterlife, that would be so romantic. "Just give me a day to find one of those collars again."
"Wow, you have no idea, do you? Jesus. Okay. The collar won't work. It never would've. You were just healing more slowly, you weren't dying."
"That can't be right. I died. Ness was there."
"It is, I promise. Cellular analysis." She tossed him a USB drive. "There's all the proof you could possibly want on there, even though I know you won't read it."
"You don't know me as well as you think, Doctor Who."
"I'm a history major. I probably know more about your own actions than you do. Kill yourself, or we kill Cable. You have one month. Tell no one." She disappeared.
Eugh, time travel reeked. It smelled like something had died in here. He hopped off the couch and flicked the fan on.
A half-rotted foot flew off the fan and shattered the living room window, landing on the street below. A dog started barking, and then a lady screamed. Holy shit! The foot hadn't been a hallucination.
And neither had evil Amaranth. Cable's life was in danger! Luckily for both of them, Wade was a hero. And he knew just how to fix it.
Negasonic Teenage Dickhead stared at him like he'd just tried to explain the appeal of heterosexuality to her. "You want me to do what."
"Pretty sure you heard me the first time, on account of still being young enough to hear literal dog whistles. And metaphorical ones, too!"
"Not now, dude. I'm not going to kill you. What the fuck."
"But you're a walking atomic bomb. Or something. Honestly, I don't think I understand your power, but, it seems pretty badass and I think it would be fun to try, and I only have thirty more days to figure this out, so what do you say?"
Negasonic looked at him. Then she looked at the ceiling. Then she looked at him again. Then she sighed. It occurred to Wade that she wasn't quite the starry-eyed youngster she once had been. She looked almost worried. Poor kids, adulthood made you so boring. "I'm still not going to try. What's going on with you?"
"It's a secret." He watched Negasonic's frown deepen. "But, you know, not a world-ending one or anything. Less 'where Rose put the Heart of the Ocean', more 'How I Met Your Mother'."
"Lame ending," Negasonic said. "Look. I know Vanessa cooled the brakes, and I know it sucks, but -"
"Hey! It worse than sucks. My heart is broken. I might never repair it. Oh, wait, I have to die, so I definitely won't."
"But it's not worth dying over! You're both in a different place, but you've got friends and X-Force stuff, so just - at least talk to someone, like Colossus or the Professor or -"
Oh, no. He'd screwed up. Negasonic had tears in her eyes. "There there," he said, and patted her shoulder. "Never mind. You're right, I gotta find someone else. Preferably someone who's already scarred for life." He stood up and left.
She shouted after him, something like 'Wade! Come back! You're right, Yukio is too good for me!' But he was super busy, so he kept walking.
Juggernaut was a bust. Man, that guy had one trick, and Wade's limbs always grew back.
Domino listened to him as he explained, then said, "So. Let me get this straight. You want me to try to kill you, because Cher came to you from the future and told you that if you don't die, corgis will go extinct?"
"Close enough," Wade said. "Plus, me being out of your hair would be very lucky for you, so it'll work, right?"
"Yeah, that's not how that works." She eyed him with her sneaky Sydney Bristow expression. "You okay, man?"
"Never better. Put a bullet in me, Dom."
She sighed and threw the TV remote against the wall. It rattled the light, which fell and hit Wade on the head. Some of his brains ended up splattered on the wall, but he didn't die.
"Wow," Domino said. "That really should have been anchored. Good thing I caught it now."
From his spot on the floor, surrounded by gray matter, Wade gave her fingerguns.
"What the fuck? No."
"Oh, come on. You're my last resort. Everyone else is too boring or uncreative, but hey! You've got a ton of powers, and future tech. And you've gotta be sore from the last time, right? When I kicked your ass?"
He'd figured that would get Cable mad enough to really whale on him, but instead he just frowned at Wade, like a disapproving grandfather with an exceptionally meaty neck. Could Wade be into that? Hm, maybe. Probably. Look at those fingers. Meaty.
"I saved your life, you unhinged one-man freak-show. Why would you think I'd turn around and kill you?"
Wade sighed. "I love insult Mad Libs. Do another one."
"Why. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Kill. You." A long pause. "You hyperactive - cartoon clown."
"Not your best," Wade said, "but thrilling all the same. Also, I can't tell you."
"No, really. Well, maybe." Had Amaranth said either way? He couldn't remember. But - "It's a time travel thing, I don't want your dick to fall off because I told you some secrets."
"Not how that works." But he was coming around to it, Wade was pretty sure. He was giving Wade his other look now, the one that meant he thought Wade might be on to something. So far, it had only shown up right before they'd fought together. But this was also fighting together, kind of. Fighting Cable's dark future - together! Even if Cable didn't know it.
And Wade's dark future. Who wanted to still be alive two thousand years from now? Hello, nightmare zone. But wait, if Cable had stayed in this century, how was he alive two thousand years in the future? Did he have a healing factor Wade didn't know about? Wade reached out with his finger and poked Cable's shoulder. "Hm."
Cable shied away from the poke. "Stop that."
"You're not going to annoy me into killing you."
Oooh, there was a concept. Wade reached out again.
Cable caught his wrist in a bone-crushingly strong grip. Man, it just wasn't fair that he was so solid, even if he was eeny-weenie in the height department. It made Wade want all kinds of things. "Hey, maybe you could fuck me and then kill me. That's a good time, right?"
"For fuck's sake. No!"
"It's important!" And, okay, Wade was whining now, but seriously: "I can't tell you, but it is. Just kill me, okay?"
"What about that collar?"
"Tried it. Didn't work."
Cable stared at him for long enough that Wade couldn't keep himself from fidgeting. It was important! He wasn't lying! Okay, he was lying a little, but a normal amount. Cable didn't need to give him that look, like he thought Wade was just doing this for fun.
Finally, he said, "What makes you think I can kill you?"
"Aside from that gentle, quiet tone, which by the way is very sexy?" Man, Wade was gonna miss sex in the afterlife, at least till Ness could join him. "You're from the future, you have a fucked-up virus and weird superpowers. You'll figure something out. I believe in you."
Cable looked down at his hands, then back up at Wade. Quality angst, right there. Wade sat back so he didn't reach out and tenderly cup Cable's face, the Notebook-style.
"Fine," Cable said. "C'mere."
Wade came - not literally, little Wade stayed warm and dry and hard as American-made nails. But he scooted over, and Cable put his hands around Wade's neck. Big, warm fingers caressed his pulse point - and then Cable snapped his neck.
Nice! He was out for a full thirty seconds. But then he opened his eyes and said, "You didn't really think that would work, did you? Breaking my neck, seriously? That's not even creative. I could do it to myself if I jumped out the window. Actually, I have. I was hoping for something a little more futuristic, like maybe you have a plasma cannon or -"
"Shut the fuck up," Cable said, and kissed him.
Oooh. Wade kissed back, reveling in the deeply manly clash of teeth and the - shaking of Cable's hands? Weird, but Wade would take it. Cable kissed like a romance novel cliché, overwhelming and manly and gruff. He hauled Wade into his lap with nothing but his very burly brain, as his hands stroked Wade's throat over and over, like he expected to find something other than Wade's nasty scars.
Wow, maybe he had thought that would work. Did time travel make you an optimist? But half of what Cable said was some weird doom-y thing about the earth burning, so that couldn't be it. Maybe he'd just never snapped a neck before. Or seen neck bones put themselves back together. It definitely felt freaky from inside the flesh prison, who knew what it was like to watch.
His train of thought was derailed by Cable biting his shoulder, digging his teeth in almost to the point of drawing blood. "Whoa, Nelly," Wade said. "What are you - oh, hello." That nice, hard length against his ass definitely wasn't a gun, and boy, was it happy to see him. "Do you have a murder fetish or something? We can work with it if you do, I just want to know."
"Why do you need to die?"
Because I'm tired! he almost said. But, wait, that wasn't the reason. He had a reason, it was a good one, but he stared at Cable's resolute grimdark-hero face and couldn't quite remember.
Then Cable's cyborg eye glowed a little - hot! - and he totally got it, how maybe this Cable could become a supervillain. After his time travel device was recharged, which, oops, Wade had made possible again. He really was the best person to fix this whole snafu. "Time travel," he said. "I just do. You're gonna have to trust me. Or thrust me." He leaned in for another kiss.
He didn't expect Cable to go for it. He thought he'd be up for another intense interrogation. Cable thought he was saving the whole world by staying back in time, so there was no way he'd hold back if he thought he really needed to know what was going on. Which must mean he just didn't care. That was fine, that was good, that made it easier. He could try again tomorrow.
But right now, ooh Mama. Cable might not care about why Wade needed to die, but he cared about getting laid. He gripped Wade's hip with his real-boy hand and ground against him, slowly, making it really fucking obvious exactly how he thought this would go down.
Which was fine by Wade. "You like sticking it in lithe young things, huh?"
"You're neither." Cable kissed him, biting his lower lip as an exit strategy. Very, very nice. Wade threw his head back and ground against Cable, channeling Vanessa at her most stripper-y -
Ness didn't want him anymore.
"I gotta go," Wade said, and backflipped off Cable's lap.
Drunk drunk drunk. Two hours later. As long as he kept drinking, very quickly, even his liver couldn't filter it all out. He drank and he thought about the options: decapitation? Tried it. Bullet to the brain? You'd think, right, but not in this continuity. Chopped up into little bits, put the little bits in boxes, then drop them in the ocean? Maybe, but maybe that would just result in, like, ten Deadpool clones, slowly growing out of their little ocean-boxes and drifting to shore. Yech.
Sexy, eventually, given enough lube and time to reunite. But also: gross.
He passed out eventually. When he woke up, it was to Cable sitting in his room, staring at him.
Options, options. He raised his arms over his head and stretched, making sure his dick flopped its way out of the covers. Sproinged, maybe, because he was already getting quite the stiffy, just from Cable's smoldering glare.
"Ready to try killing me again? There's always hanging, shooting, and poison, but hear me out: vivisection."
Cable interrupted Wade's fantasy of a knife sliding through him like butter by hooking his ankle around Wade's leg and yanking him off the bed. "Hey," he said, shaking his head against the bolt of pain that went through it. "If you wanted me on my knees, you could've just asked." He rotated to demonstrate, putting both hands on Cable's thighs - huge! meaty! - and looking up at him.
Cable's expression was twisted, his lip lifted back in a sexy, vaguely homophobic way. "Tell me why you want to die."
"We-ellllll," Wade said. "I don't want to die, exactly. Oh, wait, I totally do. I'm just really tired. Of everything. Not your dick, though." He leaned in, trying to open Cable's fly with his teeth.
Future clothes, wacky. Did they even have a tie? What were they made of? Wade inhaled, but he mostly just smelled Downy Protect & Refresh April Fresh(tm) Liquid Fabric Softener. "Wait, hang on, you have a dick, right? What was I feeling if I wasn't feeling -"
An invisible hand gripped his throat, tight yet scintillatingly gentle. Wade realized, way too late in the game, that he wasn't wearing his mask, and Cable could see the moment tears popped into his eyes.
"Physiological reaction," he wheezed. "Doesn't mean anything! Really doesn't! I cried watching the Jimmy Eats World biopic last night, too!"
Cable shook his head, looking baffled.
Oh, wait. "I meant Biggie. Different 90s reference."
"Tell me why you want to die," Cable said again.
He said it differently this time, almost gentle. Like a mall Santa talking to a scared kid, if the mall Santa was extremely Daddy-tastic and the kid was prone to fear boners. Wade attempted to smile. It came out more like a slightly aroused grimace. "Like I said. Can't tell you. It's against the law, and I'm very scared of the time-travel cops. Hey, what's the deal with the metal?"
"Time travel - what?"
"The metal." Wade tapped the part of Cable's thigh that definitely wasn't 100% human flesh. "Do you have a cyborg fetish? Did a sexy yet mysterious woman with a violent past chop of half your limbs? What's the deal?"
"It's a virus. Killing me slowly. My powers help hold it back."
"Wow, samesies!" Wade held up his hand for a high-five. Cable just stared at him. Man, the future was no fun at all.
"Paradoxes during time travel are incredibly rare. You should tell me why you think you'll cause one. Then you should tell me why you want to die."
"It's not about want! Well, mostly. Kind of? Honestly, I think I'd be trying to get out of this way, way harder if I wasn't heartbroken and, you know." Wade gestured at his fucked-up face. "But I'm still not going to tell you. Sorry."
Cable looked at him for a moment in complete silence, like a marble fucking statue of a gay porno. Then he said, "What if I blew you?"
Wade almost swallowed his own tongue. "I'm sorry, what?"
"What if I. Sucked. Your. Cock."
Wade had no idea if he thought that sounded sexy or if he was just having trouble getting the words out. Either way - "Rest easy, Homophobic GI Joe, I'm not going to tell you no matter what you do to me. Though you're welcome to try."
For one weirdly erotic moment, he thought Cable might get out the Fifty Shades of Gray whips and chains and beat some sexy, sexy sense into him. Or at least make Wade give him a blowjob, which - flashback - would be fun too. Instead, Cable stood, knocking Wade back onto his heels. "You'll tell me, or I won't help you."
"What if I kill someone?" Wade called at his retreating back.
Cable froze. Ha. Sucker. "Excuse me?"
"Yeah, like an innocent kid, or - I don't know, Blind Al." Thinking of Blind Al dying made him want to burn an entire McDonald's to the ground, salt the ashes, and use the occult energy released to become a necromancer, but Cable didn't need to know that. "I could kill tons of people. I'm a mercenary, you know."
"I'm aware." Dry as the desert and making Wade twice as thirsty. "You're deflecting."
"Well, yeah. I already told you I'm not going to tell you."
"Not even if I fuck it out of you?"
God, that was tempting. Why was he even trying to resist? It wasn't like he had a higher purpose!
Wait. He did. Time-traveling jerk on a mission to kill Cable. Right. "Sorry, but I just feel really stubborn about this for some reason. A reason you don't know. Just so we're clear."
"We're clear." Cable turned, and Wade felt his whole chestal region relax, like maybe his ventricles had decided a heart attack wasn't necessary. "Are you okay?"
No one had asked him that since it became obvious that the answer would always be no. Wade blinked and tried to process it. "Sure."
One step, two. Cable had the whole sexy romance-novel-hero strut down. "Fine. Tell me what you want to try next."
Oh, God. Anal? 69? Wade's mind crowded with options. Tell him you're great at deep-throating! part of him yelled.
Wait. Wait! He meant murder! Even better. "How do you feel about knives?"
Pointy. Sharp. Cable nicked him before he got around to slitting Wade's throat. "Hey!" Wade said, wiggling in Cable's lap.
He'd insisted on it this way, because: hello, snuff kink. But, also, it seemed like it would probably be easier to clean up. It might have complicated things, though, because Cable was frowning at him and looking, generally, less like a sexy murderer, and more like a Catholic priest about to rediscover the Lord.
"Just get it over with," Wade said. "What happened to, violence is my life! I'm a super-solider from the future! I love death and carnage!"
The knife was so sharp that it almost felt sweet, like that point when someone's massaging a knot in your back and you come close to screaming from the pain. Only, Wade couldn't scream because blood was burbling up through his throat, and also he blacked out, then, dying just a little, going to that weird and peaceful place where he got to forget - just a bit - that he was so completely fucked.
Then he came back, and Cable was staring at him, frowning a little. Like he was a buff librarian and Wade had racked up fees on a rare first edition Anne Rice book. "What?"
"This isn't going to work," Cable said. Quietly, like it disappointed him, like Wade had disappointed him. Way to add to the daddy issues catalog, Cable. "You know that, right? You'll always heal."
Oh no, feelings. "Maybe not, if you do it enough."
Cable looked down at him, serious and sad. He had blood on his lip, just a tiny fleck. "You really think that?"
Of course he didn't! Time-traveling assassin lady had already told him, he was Cable's favorite gun two thousand fucking years in the future. He'd never stop healing, at this point. But he had to try. Everything would be ruined if he didn't try. "Just kiss me, big boy."
He'd just said it to say something, but Cable actually planted one on him. And oooh, was it romantic. He cupped his hand behind Wade's head, pulled him close, and kissed him all slowly and sensually, like Wade wasn't a hideously disfigured merc with a half-healed throat. Maybe that was Cable's kink, though. Maybe he'd left a string of half-murdered chicks all up and down the East Coast. Or the East Coast in the future, whichever.
Did Wade care? No, definitely not, because this time Cable seemed to have lost his self-restraint. He lifted Wade up with his brains and his bod, slamming him down on the bed and hovering over him. For a second he looked both furious and indecisive, looking Wade up and down like he had no idea what to do next. Maybe he was a big half-metal virgin! But thrilling as the thought of fucking an honorary X-Man was, Wade had other plans and oh, so many insecurities. He said, "Hey, hey, you break it, you bought it," and spread his legs, all the better to distract him.
Hey, wait a second, he thought as Cable took Wade's cock in his mouth. He couldn't be a virgin. He had a daughter!
Oh, God, tongue.
Cable sucked cock like his life depended on it, which, well, it didn't, but it might, if they didn't find a way to kill Wade first. He closed his eyes and took Wade all the way down, and it was so fucking good, comprehensive, like Cable had never thought about anything in his whole fucked-up life except making sure Wade got a chance to come down his throat.
It was so messed up. There were flecks of blood in his hair and all over the bed. But when Wade grabbed his head and fucked his face, Cable just moaned around his dick, pushing Wade forward, faster and faster until -
Ahhh. For a second, it was almost as nice as being dead.
Cable leaned back on his heels again, wiped his mouth - though he didn't need to. He'd swallowed. Wade, staring down at him, said, "Hey, wanna fuck me?"
Cable paused. Quirked an eyebrow. Sexy teacher. Unfair.
"Sure you don't want to take that back?"
"Maybe," Wade said honestly. It had been awhile, and frankly, Cable's dick seemed bigger than a dildo. But then, on the other hand, Cable's dick seemed bigger than a dildo. "Wait, no, I don't. Put it in me, big boy."
But Cable was a romantic, apparently. He ran his hands all over Wade's nasty body, not minding the disgusting bumps on his skin. Or maybe being a really good actor about them, Wade wasn't sure, but either way, the boner he shoved into Wade's ass fifteen minutes after Wade had hung up a vacancy sign wasn't exactly flagging.
Oh, no. It was big, it was hard, and it felt just this side of good. Something might've split briefly, but who cared? Cable closed his eyes when he bottomed out, gasped and whispered, "Wade," leaning down to kiss him. It was downright romantic, and he was hung like a horse, and Wade was never going to do anything but lock his heels around Cable's back and say, "Go hard or go home, hot stuff."
"Jesus Christ," Cable said. But he did, in fact, go hard. The mattress squeaked, the drywall dented. Wade felt used and abused and he loved every minute of it. Cable kept bending down to kiss him, which normally might've been a turnoff, but right now it felt like the only thing either of them could do.
He was hard again. Of course he was. When Cable jacked him, he smeared some of the blood from his earlier attempted kill on Wade's dick. It shouldn't have been hot, but then, neither should Angela Basset beating the crap out of some dude on TNT, and yet: yowza. Wade came for a second time with Cable's hand on his dick, and then Cable came in his ass, and it was perfect, transcendental, like a non-incestuous Folgers' Christmas commercial, right up until Cable put a heavy hand on his throat and said, "Now tell me why you want to die."
"Mood-killer! Mood murderer! Ugh, you're worse than Colossus. Get off me." Wade ignored the emotional and physical pangs that resulted from Cable pulling out. "Why are you like this?"
"Born a soldier. Bred. In the army - "
"Blah blah blah, future, blah blah blah, cataclysmic climate change. I know." Wade gripped his forehead in both hands, trying to pull his brain back on track. He'd meant to -
He was going to -
Ah, fuck. "You should probably go."
If Cable hadn't been a feelings-less super-soldier from the future, Wade would've said he sounded hurt. But canon was canon, so obviously he wasn't. "Just go, okay?"
He felt a brush against his shoulder that might've been a hand, a lip, or a monkey's paw keychain: he didn't know and didn't look to find out. And then the door clicked shut, and he was alone. Great. Perfect. Just what he wanted.
Twenty-nine days. No, fuck! Twenty-eight. Wade was so completely, comprehensively fucked.
"You try acid?"
"LSD? Once or twice. Special forces fucking loves that shit."
Blind Al snorted. "No, dipshit, acid. The kind that burns. Dip yourself in a bowl of it and see if that don't kill the healing factor."
"Got a lot of time to think stuff up, stuck in this craphole."
"Touching." And true! Wade had crapped in a hole in the floorboards just the other day. Fortunately, Gonzo the rat had taken care of it. "Corrosives don't generally help. If I survived an explosion, I'm sure I'd survive acid."
"You never know till you try."
"Thank you, H.H. Holmes, but I'll pass for now."
"Fine, then. Ignore good advice, see where it gets you." Blind Al shook her head. "Why you trying to kill yourself, anyway? I thought your sweetheart was back."
"Back, yes. My sweetheart, no."
"You keep ruining shit because you've got a broken heart, you're gonna need to buy a lot of new pairs of underwear."
Ah, what the hell. He could tell Blind Al! She was just a walking narrative device, it wouldn't matter if he told her. "This is actually something bigger than that. If I don't die, Cable dies, because of some bullshit in the future. I can't let that happen."
"Why not? You don't know him from Adam."
"Well, for starters, his dick is bigger."
"And he's nice. Well, no. Charismatic? Nah, not really. He has great hair and I want him to spank me and call me a good boy!"
"I truly never needed to know that."
"But I can't kill him. That would be one hell of an Oedipus complex."
Blind Al didn't answer for long enough that he thought she might've fallen asleep. Then: "What about rat poison, you ever try rat poison?"
Not a bad idea, actually. "Let's find out."
You could burn a hole straight through your intestines if you had a healing factor and enough rat poison. But it didn't do the trick. Or at least, it didn't do the only trick that mattered.
Twenty-seven days. Wade had written himself a note in his phone so he wouldn't forget. Twenty-seven days and then Amaranth from the future would time-travel her way back to the present exclusively to kill Cable. God, people from the future sucked.
Well, except Cable. Cable only sucked in the literal, sexy sense.
"Good morning," Wade said, walking into Cable's literal and sexy bedroom. He was lying on his stomach, bare ass exposed to God and Snapchat. Wade paused for a moment to appreciate the view, the way his deadly virus crept along his back like a really badass tattoo, before saying, "Hey, Cable, wake up. Rat poison didn't work."
Cable grunted and rolled over. Well hello there, Cable's dick. It lay all cute and soft on his thigh - and then it was gone, because Cable was clutching the top sheet against himself and glaring at Wade like a virgin. Wade sighed and leaned against the doorframe. "Rat poison didn't work."
"You said that already."
"Well, you didn't answer, so I didn't know if you'd heard me. What about fire?"
"You survived a massive fire. First thing you did with your dumbfuck powers."
"Oh, right. How'd you know that? Even I forgot."
"Read your file."
Cable pointed at his mega-sexy eye. "I can read whatever the fuck I want if it's on a networked device."
"Email me my file!"
"Why, too exciting?"
Cable shook his head. "You've also been stabbed and shot. Trying those again was pointless. Why would fire work any differently?"
"I just think it would be hot, that's all. Literally, and sexily. Like your sucking."
Wade looked up at the ceiling, to where the industrial-chic lamp hung by a chain. "Hey, what about strangulation?"
"Christ. You can't just work your way down the list of fucked-up ways to die -"
"Sleeping pills? You could feed them to me and rub my toes while I nodded off. What about heroin? Carbon monoxide? Wait, you can't be around for that one, never mind."
"You're not my real dad!" Wade crossed his arms to ward off the weird, grody feelings caused by Cable's impressively Dad-like glare. "I'll die if I want to!"
"That's the point. You won't." Cable was looking at him weirdly now, like he felt sorry for Wade, which - ha, that was funny. Wade was doing this to save Cable, not be patronized to by him. "Why do you want to die?"
"Are you seriously going to do this every time? I changed my mind, I'll go solo this time." He ran for the bedroom window.
But Cable was a fast motherfucker. He grabbed Wade's wrist and threw up his stupid telekinesis, and Wade couldn't move.
"Wade." He said it quietly, like he was trying to calm Wade down, or seduce him.
"Diametrically opposed goals, if you think about it."
"You're more fucked up than usual." Cable's grip on Wade's wrist didn't loosen, but he did brush his thumb over Wade's wrist, like he thought he could feel his pulse through his costume. There was no way, but then, if he kept it up he'd be able to feel something else. Something a lot bigger.
Not coming out of his wrist, though, that would be weird.
"See? This is what I mean."
Wade nyoomed back into the present moment. Wrist-dicks would just have to wait. "What I don't get is why you're so curious. Blind Al had a whole list of suggestions, and she's been my den mother for longer than you've been leeching off the system."
"I pay rent."
"Sure, but if you ever want to stop putting out the red light: mi casa es su casa. Well, Blind Al's casa es su casa."
"Are you. Inviting me to move in with you?"
"Don't look so constipated. I'll be gone in a month, anyway."
Cable scowled. His grip on Wade's wrist got punish-y again. "I'm curious because you keep saying shit like that."
"Because it's true."
"Unless you've got some pretty fucking impressive tricks up your sleeve, it might not be."
"Oooh, look at me, I'm in an R-rated movie, I can say 'fuck' all the time." Wade tugged his wrist. "Let me go."
"Why do you want to die?"
Wade swung at Cable's face. "Stop asking me that!"
A wild punch from him usually still landed where he wanted it to. His brain might be completely fucked to hell, more Swiss cheese than gray matter, but Weapon X had really cared about preserving his physical instincts. The punch would've landed, but Cable caught it, stared at Wade with this fucked-up sad look on his face - and then kissed him, hard and deep and head-spinningly thorough.
He was so solid, and Wade hadn't spent much time thinking about how he might like that, before, but now he couldn't think of anything else. Huge, muscled arms pulled him into the bed, and an unbreakable grip settled on his hips, pushing him down till he straddled Cable's lap. Cable was short enough that the position was a little comical, but then Wade shifted and felt the hardening cock against his ass. He didn't think about laughing after that. He kissed back, desperation roaring up his spine. Fuck, he needed more, as soon as he could get it. He flexed his legs, rubbing himself against Cable's cock. "If you don't fuck me, I swear to God, I'll do something really, really stupid."
"You'll do something stupid anyway. Dumbass." Cable kissed him, bit his neck. "Fuck me and I'll do it for you."
"Do what? Oh! Strangle me? Does that make you a murder-whore?"
"Shut the fuck up, Wade," Cable said, and kissed him again.
There was something about these kisses, Wade thought. They were so intense, with all the teeth and the way Cable wouldn't let him move. It was perfect. It would probably be less perfect if he had to do all the work.
But then he thought of Cable trying again, hands on his throat, taking him out of the world. Fuck yes. He could be on top for that.
It wouldn't work, of course. Don't be ridiculous; he already knew that. But the idea was, as they say in France, alluring.
Wade pulled back from the kiss. "I'll fuck you, and you'll strangle me. Pinky swear." He held out his hand.
Cable eyed it like it was diseased, which, duh, it was. "Pinky swear?"
"Don't tell me they don't have eight-year-olds in the future!"
"Hope was eight."
Oops. "Whatever. Just shake on it, okay?"
Cable, still glaring, linked pinkies with him. Very weirdly hot. "Great," Wade said, and pressed Cable back into the mattress.
It had been awhile since Vanessa and even longer since someone he didn't really care about. He'd been hot back then. Luckily he still had a working dick, though, and that was apparently all Cable cared about. He pulled off his costume, except for the mask - and then, when Cable glared at him and said, "Wade," the mask went too. Oh, now he was naked, distract distract distract -
"Hey, I wonder what this does," he said, and licked Cable's cock.
Good things, was what it did. Cable moaned and arched his back like a porn star when Wade sucked him, but that was nothing compared to when Wade got one hand on his fucked-up metal skin and the other on his ass. He shouted then, an actual yell. Wade almost tested another murder method by choking laughing himself on Cable's cock.
"Fuck off," Cable said, glaring at the ceiling.
"Yeah, pretty sure you don't want that. Is the metal like a third, whole-body nipple, or something?"
The human parts of Cable's skin were still capable of blushing, and as it turned out, he blushed like a Disney princess. "No. For fuck's sake. It's not an erogenous zone, it's a fucking hostile intruder."
"Trust me, it can be both." Wade kissed Cable's thigh, then relocated both his hands to the ass region, spreading Cable wide. "This would be easier if you were on your stomach. But then I couldn't see your sexy cyborg eye. No, no, don't move." Wade put a hand on Cable's rock-hard, extremely built, incredibly tense thigh. "Pretty sure I got it." He traced a finger over Cable's hole, watching as Cable tensed and twitched under the attention.
"Lube," Cable said. "Do not try to fuck me dry."
"What am I, crazy?" Wade laughed at his own joke, then grabbed the lube Cable offered him. "Bet they don't have this in the future."
"Lubricant is everywhere. Weapons require it."
"Depressing detail, but I'm into it." God, he was fucking tight. Tighter than Wade had been the first time Ness -
Think about something other than hideous-yet-understandable romantic rejection! Think about dying. Nice, quiet, calm, peaceful dying. Yes.
"What's going on down there?"
Wade looked down, then up at Cable. He looked worried, the dumbass. "Well, I have a finger in your ass."
"You look like someone shot your dog."
"No, that's John Wick." Wade wiggled his finger. "Say when."
But because Cable was an asshole and a jerk and a moron, he reached out to carefully touch Wade's cheek. "If you don't want to do this. You should tell me. Even if you don't tell me why you want to die."
"Well, I'm definitely not going to do that last thing. But trust me, I'm very interested." He humped the bed to demonstrate, then pressed another finger in, farther this time, until -
Cable's head thumped back on the bed. Wade could see the moment his dumb morals finally left the building. "Fuck."
"Aw, yeah. Who's a sex god? Who's your daddy?"
Cable snorted. "Gotta work a little harder for that shit."
And oh, was he willing to, because this view was better than an infinity pool on top of a skyscraper. Cable shifted restlessly against his hand, but not like he was uncomfortable. No, he seemed like he wanted more, kept driving back against Wade's fingers when he pulled them out. He took the stretch easily, worked himself down and lazily stroked his own cock as Wade played with his balls. It was so fucking pretty, like the kind of porn you had to actually pay for. And on top of all that, Cable was staring at him. Looking at him, with uncomfortable guidance counselor style eye contact, as Wade finger-fucked him. He still had a boner! He was into it!
Honestly, Wade kind of hoped the future was full of weird, kinky motherfuckers, since the alternate explanation was that Cable was an independent deviant who could only satisfy his incredibly specific kink with Wade. That was way too much responsibility.
"I'm gonna stick it in you now. Got a condom?"
"Don't need one," Cable said.
"Okay, big boy, I know the future's different, but in this timeline -"
"I know about disease. You have a healing factor and I'm familiar with my own health at a cellular level. A condom isn't necessary."
Not the sexiest invitation to bare-backing Wade had ever heard, but it was up there. He bent over briefly, biting Cable's hip on impulse, and then lubed up his dick, pressing inside in one smooth movement.
Cable took it. Fuck, he took it easily, wrapping his legs around Wade's hips and urging him on. And he wasn't faking it, either; he was as hard as Wade had ever seen him, moaning and clenching around Wade's cock even as he tried to get Wade deeper. "Stop staring and give it to me."
Oh, God. Wade's hips moved of their own accord, snapping hard. Cable moaned, his cock jumping, so Wade did it again, then again, getting into a not-quite-even rhythm that had his head spinning. Holy fucking EGOTs for Bernadette Peters, Cable loved this. He was going crazy for it, wiggling under Wade like he might die if he didn't get more. Wade braced his hands on the bed and drove into him, dropping his head to Cable's shoulder, biting down hard, running his fingers over the metal seam breaking his body apart, and then finally kissing him, chasing Cable's lips when he thrust hard enough to jolt him away.
Cable came like that, gasping Wade's own name into his mouth. "You sound like a porn star, what the fuck," Wade said, and then he was coming too, messy, objectively disgusting, biting down on his own lip till he drew blood as he rode the orgasm out.
"Oh my god," he said as soon as he got his breath back. "Holy shit, I want to do that again. Tell me I can do that again. Tell me I can just hang out here till I'm hard again and then we can -"
There wasn't a really big spider or a scarf on his neck, he realized. That was Cable's hand, big and heavy, stroking the spot where his jaw and his ear sort of melted together.
Moldy avocado, he reminded himself.
"We can't do it again if this works."
"Way to kill the mood, jeez." Wade pulled out and hopped off the bed. Where were his pants? He could find someone else to strangle him. That guy behind the counter at the cheesesteak place, Freddy whatever, he looked like BTK was his idol. He'd do. "Where the fuck are my pants?"
"Not now, I'm busy regretting my emotional vulnerability!"
"Wade. Go over to the closet and get my scarf."
"The future-hipster scarf? Don't sully it in a moment like this. Also, no."
"Suit yourself." The closet doors flew open and the scarf fluttered out, wrapping itself around Wade's neck. The future might be a dystopic hellscape, but this scarf was so nice and soft. Wade could fall asleep with it cuddling his arteries. Oh, wait, that was the point, and the scarf hadn't gained the ability to fly: Cable's telekinesis was pulling it, and Wade, closer to the bed.
"Your pants are under the bed," Cable said, and grasped both ends of the scarf, looping it around Wade's neck a few more times and then pulling tight.
He was completely naked still, which suddenly seemed like a huge problem, massive, bigger than Cable's majestic short-guy dick, bigger than Colossus' anything. He was naked and he didn't want to pull away long enough to find some clothes, not when Cable was slowly, inexorably tightening the scarf, being so weirdly careful, watching him with soft eyes. He felt his breath start to shorten; the world got all swimmy. If he was actually being murdered, now would be when he clawed fruitlessly at the cloth. But Cable was still watching him, and he wasn't afraid of this. He might not have been even if he thought it would work. He couldn't be scared even when the world went black around the edges, when he finally stopped being able to get any air.
His hearing was going. Cable might've shouted it, for all he knew; it sounded like a whisper. "I'll be here when you come back."
A kiss to his forehead. God, that was gay. Wade did his best to flip Cable off, might've even succeeded. He died before he confirmed either way.
A minute this time. He hadn't wanted to come back, but here he fucking was, same as always. He opened his eyes to see Cable sitting in the corner, wearing a robe, reading something on a tablet. As soon as Wade breathed, Cable's eyes were on him.
Fuck, he looked really worried. And also - "Hugh Hefner. Crossed with...Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia." The rawness in his throat disappeared even as he said, "You should get a muumuu."
Cable tossed the tablet on the bed without looking at it. "How you feeling?"
"Still alive, God damn it."
"Doesn't answer my question."
"I feel like shit. But just the normal ways, you know. Emotionally, spiritually." Wade pushed himself upright. "Pants?"
Cable picked them up off the floor and passed them to Wade. He stayed silent while Wade got dressed.
Wade thought he might escape without him making it weird. Maybe some of his brain cells had managed to die, after all. He got halfway out the door before Cable said, "Tell me why."
He didn't look back. "Can't."
"Bullshit. You never met a rule you wouldn't break."
"This one's not some stupid X-guideline."
"If you told me, I could help you."
Ha. Good one. "You really couldn't," Wade said. "Just - I know you don't trust me. Okay? I know all the best buddies shit is just, bullshit. But you really should trust me on this one."
He left before Cable had a chance to tell him that was about as likely as Wade finally managing to die.
Tequila, this time, and lots of it, then cocaine. If he swapped between them fast enough, his brain felt like a ping-pong ball. It was nice and soothing.
If only he had someone to talk to! But the last three therapists he'd semi-kidnapped wouldn't take his case even after he gave them wads of cash, so there was really no point to it.
"Wow, he wasn't kidding. This is disgusting even by our standards."
Wade squinted up at the blurry figure. He'd taken to the floor awhile ago. It was just him and the roaches. Felt appropriate.
"Though, at least the rest of the apartment is okay. When you disappeared, I trashed the place. Completely. I burned my social security card because it was with our Hustler mag collection."
He was growing more sober by the millisecond, and he'd know that voice even if he wasn't, even if he was dead. Canonically. "Ness."
"Wade." Her face appeared in his line of sight. Oh, it had been there all along, he was just basically sober now. "You smell like shit."
"You look beautiful and smell like cookies, so at least one of us is winning." Wade hauled himself semi-upright, slumping against the dresser. "I'm not going to take you back. I'm a heart-broken lone agent now. Like Anne before Gilbert gets yellow fever."
"She was pining the whole time, baby, but I don't think I'm the Gilbert in this scenario anymore." Vanessa grabbed his jerkoff chair and pulled it over so she could sit across from him. "Cable called me. Says you've got a secret. I have to admit, I'm a little insulted you didn't ask me for ideas on how to kill you."
"I figured you'd tell me not to do it. Or freak out."
"Like I said, that's not me anymore. Not for you, anyway." She tapped her knee. "But we're friends, aren't we?"
"No. We're on a break, and I'm miserable." Wade spread his arms to demonstrate. "Ta-da."
Pity! He hated pity. He hated it on Ness's face especially, but there it was, like a facehugging demon. "Okay. Well, for the record, I'd have said axe murder, then Empire State Building, then monster truck rally with your face as the track."
"Creative. I knew there was a reason why I loved you."
Tap tap tap went her fingers on her knee. Wade's heart tried and failed to beat in time.
"What's going on, baby?"
"Oh, God. He sent you, didn't he."
"Thirty seconds of recall memory, huh? I always knew your brain healed slower than the rest of you."
He rewound the conversation in his mind. Oh, right. Oops. "I can't tell you."
"No, you can't tell Cable. He was really clear on that. You know, he has this insane theory."
"Great. Perfect. Just what this canon needs, more crazy people."
"He thinks you've been in contact with another time traveler, and they're blackmailing you to kill yourself because of some dire future prophecy. Crazy, right?"
Wade felt like his whole face had suddenly been frozen in ice. Fuck replying, he couldn't even move.
"Right," Vanessa said quietly. "That's not Cable's theory, actually. He thinks you're doing a Degrassi-style cry for help."
"He did not say Degrassi."
"It's on its sixtieth reboot in his time period. I'm right, aren't I?"
"He said you said it was time travel crap, and that it was an obvious lie. But he doesn't know you as well as I do. Your 'obvious lies' are you telling the truth. Some time-traveling asshole has you trying to kill yourself."
He'd missed this so much, Ness' weird ability to jump to totally correct conclusions, the tight fury in her voice when she knew Wade was being an asshole. Fuck, they could never, ever, ever get back together, wooo-oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, but he would have killed to be able to keep this. "Yeah. Fuck, yeah, you're right, what the fuck am I going to do?"
"No idea. I know literally nothing about time travel. But you should stop trying to kill yourself, or at least get someone else to do it."
Ugh, the hangover had started. Wade kept his eyes closed through the two minutes of desperate need to puke. When it passed, he said, "I don't see why. He's efficient and it pisses him off. Win-win."
"It's not going to work."
"Yeah, I know."
"But -" Ness sighed. "You should probably think about what if it does. You know?"
He almost said he didn't know, but Ness was a freaky lie detector and, damn it, he did. Cable's sad puppy dog eyes, his whole "my world is gone woe is me I stayed behind to be a martyr" routine, his extremely firm and shockingly juicy ass. Wade couldn't die, but if that changed somehow and Cable was the one who'd killed him, it would ruin Cable's life. Again.
"Damn it. I'm so fucked, Ness. So completely fucked."
"That's life, baby. Speaking of." She pulled two Gameboys out of her bag. "Want to get drunk and play Smash Bros?"
For a second it was almost weird. She was here, and hot, and he'd loved her. She'd been his everything. A year plus of medical experimentation hadn't been able to kill their love; death shouldn't have either.
And maybe it hadn't. But it had changed it, because he looked at Ness right now and saw a beautiful, wonderful woman who wasn't his one true love anymore.
The weirdness passed. She was still there, and so was Wade. "Fuck yes," he said. "I have sixteen bottles of Jim Beam in the cabinet."
"Fuck, you really are suicidal," Ness said.
"Aw, and get a jealous hunk of future-soldier after me? No thanks."
Wow! Jealous Cable, a hot and totally unrealistic concept. Wade let himself think it over even as he dedicated his existence to getting his high score back.
He called Cable the next day. On a phone, because he liked to be respectful of the elderly.
"Are you okay?"
"Wow. Don't worry, Dad, this is just a courtesy call."
Cable grunted. "Don't call me that."
"Spoilsport. Hey, listen, I'm in Midtown -" Lie. "- right by that burger place that you love that's super good." It was mediocre. "Wanna get lunch there?"
Silence. Then, very suspiciously: "Why?"
"So I can rob you for all you're worth. No, because I put my dick in your ass yesterday and now I'm being courteous. Be there or be square, fifteen minutes, okay love you bye." He hung up.
Wait, 'love you'? Hah, wow, embarrassing. Good thing there was no fucking way Cable would ever believe that particular little bon mot.
The burger place really wasn't any good, but Wade had showed up with Cable often enough that they were totally regulars and everyone totally thought he was getting deep dicked by a the personification of daddy issues, which made the burgers taste better, in a way. Especially when Wade remembered that he actually was getting deep dicked by Cable regularly - or dicking him! Even better!
Cable reached out and took hold of Wade's hand, stopping it from moving up and down on his straw. "Oh. That."
"Looks obscene." Cable moved his hand away. Too bad, he was nice and warm. And staring at Wade like he had some bad news he didn't want to talk about, or something.
"Cancer? Is it cancer?"
He even looked appealingly craggy when he frowned. "What?"
"You look sad. If it's cancer, you can tell me. We'll beat it off...together."
"It's not cancer, you lunatic pervert."
"Then what is it?"
Cable didn't answer. He did stare at Wade, though, with intense eyes. At Wade's neck, specifically, like he was a vampire and Wade was his next tasty, tasty meal.
Or like he was remembering strangling Wade to death. And/or slitting his throat. "Ness thinks we should try dropping me off a skyscraper."
Cable's eyes snapped to his face. "What?"
"You heard me."
Wade watched with heart-eyes as Cable's scowl deepened. "That's psychopathic."
"I know. She's really the one who got away." Wade sighed dreamily. "But at least she respects my goals, unlike some scruffy Spielberg movie leads I could mention."
"I'm just saying! You've killed me so many times now, and your heart's just not in it. It's obvious."
"My heart," Cable said, grinding out every word, "would be in figuring out why the fuck you keep making me kill you."
"Pfft, please. I can't make you do anything, I think we've established that."
Cable stared at him for a second. He looked confused, or maybe constipated, kind of like how Wade had felt the first time he watched two dogs make a bunch of puppies. Shudder. That had been scarring. There was no reason for Cable to look like that right now, though. "Eat your mediocre burger, Sad Robot," Wade said, and led by example, taking a huge, beefy bite of his.
"I don't want to kill you, you know."
"Are we being filmed? Is this Real Superheroes of Ambiguously East Coast City?" Wade craned his neck, looking for cameras.
"Wade. Fuck's sake. I'm serious."
"So am I. I don't know how the future works, but here in the present day, you have to sign a consent form to be on TV." Wade stabbed a finger at Cable. "Bad fame-whore. Bad."
"There are no cameras."
"Pfft. Then what's the point? Just eat your burger." Wade dug into his, to demonstrate the point.
Cable shook his head. "I don't want to kill you. Dumbass. You ask me to so I do it, that's not me wanting to. Not me enjoying it. Tell me the truth and we could solve this -"
"We really couldn't."
"But if you keep refusing to tell me, I guess we'll never know, huh?" Cable grabbed a fry and stabbed it in Wade's general direction. "Who's got dirt on you?"
"Oh, everyone. We have smartphones now, so everyone just records everything. Plus there's the cloud." Wade blinked. "Wait, what?"
"If they're blackmailing you into it -"
Wade laughed. He couldn't help it. The whole idea was just hilarious. "You think blackmail could get me to do this? Seriously? Oh, man. Wow. Jesus. You know, I thought we were getting too cozy, but this is nice. It's some really classic, Type A-Type B conflict. Great."
"Fuck you," Cable said, and took a massive bite of his burger.
They finished lunch in silence, then walked outside together. Wade wasn't silent; he pointed out the dominatrix-y look of the lady collecting for a community center, asked Cable if he thought Wade would look good in the feather boa in the window of a consignment shop, et cetera. But neither of them said anything that really mattered till they got outside Cable's apartment. Then, Wade said, "Twenty-six."
Cable's face locked up like he'd nailed plywood over it. "Twenty-six what?"
"Days. Till D-Day. Kind of like Y2K but, you know. More personal." Wade shrugged. "Hey, you should push me in front of traffic. I've only ever thrown myself in front of a car, so maybe it'll be different if someone else -"
Cable grabbed him and dragged him into the building. Wade couldn't even tell if he used his actual physical hands, or if he used his freaky brain. It didn't really matter, because the end result was Wade being shoved up against a bank of mailboxes and kissed like he'd just agreed to star in a superhero porno.
He wanted to say something about that, make fun of Cable and suggest they try decapitation, except, ah fuck. Cable was good at this. So good, actually, head-spinningly good. If Wade still had all his brain cells, he might've been able to come up with an analogy or something to help him remember it. But his brain was a fucking ant-eaten piece of moldy bread and all he could hold onto was scraps of physical sensation: the prickling in his skin as Cable dragged rough fingers up and down his face, the bolt of arousal he felt when Cable thrust his cock against Wade's hips, the thrill as Cable dropped to his knees.
"We're in public! Semi-public. Public enough to be arrested."
"I can make sure no one comes in," Cable said, and got his mouth on Wade's dick.
Who was Wade to argue, really? Cable sucked cock like it was his only hobby. He bobbed his head and stroked Wade's hips and encouraged Wade to come right down his throat, and then, after he'd finished, he stood up and pressed a knife against Wade's gut.
"Holy fucking shit," Wade said. When he took a deep breath, the sharp point of the knife pricked him, just below his ribs. "Are you...into this?"
For a second everything about Cable's expression changed. He got sad and old-looking, and Wade, whose head was still spinning from coming down Cable's throat, realized he might've made a mistake.
"No," Cable said. "But if you want me to do it, then I will."
He led Wade up to his apartment like that, at knifepoint. It was enough to give Wade a stiffy again, but before he had a chance to lay down a proposition, Cable gutted him like a fish. He woke up carefully laid on the couch, with Cable nowhere to be seen.
"Cheater," Wade told the presumably-empty air, and went to go get a job from Weasel.
"Wait, why are you doing jobs if you're also trying to die because of some gay-ass prophecy or whatever?"
"I don't think it counts as prophecy if it comes from a time traveler." Wade scratched his nose, then watched as the inevitable grody result flaked into his margarita. "And I need to leave an inheritance! How else will Cable live after I'm gone?"
"So he's like your wife."
"I was thinking more like my son."
"Gross," Weasel said, and slid a card across the table.
Weasel was going easy on him. The mark was just a short train ride away, some shitbag lobbyist in DC who pissed off the wrong people. Everyone who thought assassinations and other unsavory-yet-cinematic business didn't happen stateside had never bothered to count up how many people died in car accidents or from unlucky falls. Wade pushed the guy down some stairs, shouted, "My God, he tripped!" and ran away. Easy 10k.
Then, of course, he went back to his swingin' bachelor pad - blind Al didn't count! - fell asleep in Cheeto dust, and woke up with the number in his head: twenty-five.
Not twenty-five grand, sadly. Or twenty-five person gangbang. Twenty-five days, and he was already running out of ideas.
"We could just tell him," he told the ceiling. The smile-shaped stain smiled back, dumb as ever.
But if he told Cable, then Cable either wouldn't care, or he'd do his whole martyr thing and kill himself before Wade found the golden key to ending his healing factor. He kind of loved the drama of it all, the way Cable clearly didn't want to kill him, the regular minute or two of peace before his healing factor dragged him back. And the sex, obviously, was spectacular, and a definite tally in the 'Cable would prefer Wade alive and DTF' column.
"Maybe he doesn't, though," Wade told his ceiling. Maybe Cable was just horny. Stranger things had happened, see: time travel as a major plot point.
He fell back asleep debating the relative merits of trying to convince Cable that strangling him with a whip would be different for the healing factor than just normal strangling. He woke up to the subject of his very, very X-rated dreams sitting next to his bed, looking vaguely disgusted.
"Fucking on top of a dead animal is perverse."
"A bear rug is not a dead animal." Wade fought back a yawn. "Good morning to you too."
Twenty-four and a half days, really. Or twenty-three? "Whatever. Hey, want to try dismemberment?"
He couldn't quite stop himself from twitching when Cable scowled and reached for him. Flashback! And not the fun, Cher music video kind, either. But Cable only flicked the covers down, eyes tracking over Wade's bare chest.
Smooth as ever. So not very smooth at all, but all his organs were on the inside. He hadn't washed all the blood off, but it wasn't like anyone would notice it, given all the scars.
"You should've showered."
"You're disgusting." Cable's fingers skimmed over the blood flaking on his stomach. "It's like you don't even care."
Oh mama, that should not have been a turn-on. "Nice. Do the metal hand now."
He reached out with his other hand, but he only used it to dig his fingers into Wade's hip. It hurt, then it stopped hurting, then it hurt again, a vicious cycle that had him hard before Cable even spoke again. "Why the fuck should I do anything for you if you don't give a shit about taking care of yourself?"
"Hey - unfair. I care. Sometimes. Ah." He shifted, feeling the sheets rub against his ass. Not good enough. "Wanna fuck me?"
"Not in this shithole, I don't." Cable leaned down, his cyborg eye intent on Wade. "Tell me why you want to die."
Don't tell him! Wait, no, tell him. No one cares what you think, ceiling smiley-face. He could give Cable just a little hint. "Not want. Need."
"Tell me why you need to, then."
Wade almost did, really and truly. But then he remembered Amaranth saying tell no one and - oh. Oohhhhh. If he told Cable, would she just appear out of nowhere and kill him? It probably wasn't worth the risk, unless - "Hey, if you got blown apart by a futuristic plasma cannon wielded by a hot babe, could you psychic yourself back together?"
Cable looked like he'd caught a whiff of Blind Al's cooking. "What?"
"If you got blown apart by a futuristic -"
"I heard you the first time. What the fuck kind of question is that?"
Wade looked over his shoulder. "A hypothetical one! Very hypothetical!"
"I'd die. Dumbass." Cable leaned back, finally, so Wade could breathe again without all the oxygen immediately going to his dick. Or however that worked. "Come back to my place."
"OoooooooooooooooOOOooooh, so you can -"
"Eat pizza. Hang out." Cable tilted his head, frowning at Wade. "Don't die."
"What if I ask really, really nicely?"
"Really, really annoyingly?"
Cable shook his head.
"You're no fun."
"I'm plenty fun. To people who behave."
And that was - was he seriously - "I'm the crazy person in this relationship!"
"Sure. You coming, or not?"
"Oh, I'm coming all right." Wade hopped out of bed, semi swinging as he hopped into his suit. "Let's go, babe."
"Jesus," Cable muttered. But he kept playing along, shepherding Wade back to his place like he thought Wade might dive in front of a taxi if he looked away for more than a couple seconds.
It was kind of sweet. Wade made a Note To Self in his phone to send Cable some daddy kink websites. Might as well see if he was game to go all the way, since they were halfway there. "Ooooh, livin' on a prayer."
Cable paused in his typing and looked up at Wade. "What?"
"Nothing." He waited until Cable had looked down again, then whispered, "Everything."
"Pizza should be here in thirty minutes." Cable shut his laptop.
"How are you even paying for that? Are you taking jobs from Weasel on the DL?" Wade looked at Cable's chapped lips and gasped. "Oh my God, are you selling yourself to rich men with a cyborg kink?"
"What? No. I have a database of the future in here." He tapped his temple. "I've been shorting stocks. I made ten grand last week."
"Oh. Well. That's less dramatic than selling your wares on the street, Pretty Woman style."
"You think?" Cable snorted, then unfolded his legs, making like he was going to stand up.
Instead, he leaned over the unoccupied couch cushion and pulled Wade's mask up, tenderly, like he thought Wade's skin might come with it. Stranger things had happened. When he got the mask off, he kissed Wade, soft and sweet. And scratchy; seriously, where was futuristic fanny pack chapstick when you needed it? But then tongue got involved and Wade forgot all about scratchy lips.
He tugged on Cable's arms, trying to get him to move closer. After a moment of resistance, he actually gave in, straddling Wade's lap without breaking the kiss. He cradled Wade's face like it was something precious, kissing him with the kind of deliberation Wade had only seen him apply to his badass future-guns.
Wait, no, his badass future-guns and also Wade's cock. But his cock was prettier than his face, and Cable's guns were prettier than any part of Wade's body, so this whole tender kissing, romantic stroking of Wade's scabbed-up head thing was - "Unexpected," Wade said, and pressed his nails into Cable's back.
Cable hissed and arched - oooh, forward. Into Wade's cock, straight-up grinding on him, and that was something that could distract him from needing to die. At least for awhile. Cable leaned back and Wade chased him, groaning in frustration when Cable laughed. "Just kiss me like I'm a delicate flower again. Kiss me like I'm dying of cancer, come on."
That ruined it, a little. Cable got this dumb, weird, sad look, and the next kiss was gentle but also depressing, like the end of Titanic.
"Hey, you should fuck me," Wade said, grinding against Cable's dick.
No. He'd forgotten. "Pizza schmizza. I got all the pepperoni you could need, right here." He jammed a finger in one of his scars.
"Charming," Cable said. "But I'm going to feed you, and I'm going to keep you from doing anything stupid with your vital organs. And then maybe, if you don't blow out your own fucking brains, I'll fuck you till you're too tired to leave. Sound good?"
It sounded rehearsed, was what it sounded like. "Faker."
"Not right now. Yes or no, Wade."
He didn't want emotional intimacy, but he really wanted pizza. And sex. Two kinds of sausage for feelings. Terrible trade. "Tough bargain. You ever see the episode of Storage Wars where the rich guy gets more money and the rednecks kiss behind the storage unit?"
"What the fuck?"
"Okay, fine, it happens off screen. In my erotic fiction. This feels like that. Kind of." Wade stroked Cable's neck, where the extremely sexy deadly metal twisted into his flesh. "Pull my leg. Okay. Fine. Pizza."
"Pizza," Cable agreed, and bent down to kiss Wade again.
If Wade had been sitting on someone's lap like this, he would have already run away, due to his intimacy issues, or demanded they fuck immediately, due to all his other issues. Cable seemed fine to just kiss, though, wiggling occasionally like he was checking to make sure they were both still interested. And, okay, when Cable started nibbling on his ear, Wade did spend a few seconds wondering if Blanche had ever experienced this in her slutty, slutty Southern past, but then Cable growled, "Wade," in that sexy, gravelly voice, and Wade was right back in the present again.
"Hey, can you read my mind? Canon's always inconsistent about superhero powers, but this one's even worse than usual."
"I get impressions. Little bits of bullshit. If I could read your fucking mind, do you think I'd waste my time begging you to tell me what's going on with you?"
"I don't think sexily looming while you consensually murder me counts as begging, but -"
The apartment buzzer broke off Wade's skillful and accurate analysis of their current relationship. Cable climbed off Wade's lap like he hadn't spent the last fifteen minutes dry-humping him, buzzed the pizza guy in, ignored Wade shouting 'tip him with your dick!', and handed Wade an entire ham and pineapple pizza.
"Healing factor takes a lot of energy. I paid attention when I accessed Xavier's records on you."
Memory. "My file! You sneaky son of a bitch."
"Yeah, maybe." Cable quirked an eyebrow as he ate his pepperoni slice. "Eat your pizza and maybe I'll let you do something about it."
Sneaky. Sneaky and kinky, with his caretaking and pizza bribes. Wade inhaled three quarters of the pizza, dropped the rest on the floor, and dragged Cable back into his lap. "Remember what I said before?"
"Fucking you. Yeah." Cable thrust his hips, a lazy grind down on Wade's cock. "Feels like you might want it the other way."
"I want it every way. This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't." He realized a second too late that he'd actually said it. "And by this, I mean my cock, obviously."
"Sure." Cable spread his legs a little further and - oh, fuck, he was undoing Wade's costume with his mind.
"That's so fucking hot, how do you not pull that out more at parties? If my superpower was that panty-droppingly cinematic, I'd whip it out every chance I got."
"You whip it out anyway," Cable said. He kissed Wade again, reaching down between them to touch his cock. It occurred to Wade that two could play the getting-naked game, and he yanked at Cable's shirt until he leaned back and let Wade pull it off. Getting his cargo pants off was a little more challenging - futuristic cargo pants, super tight in the crotch and hips - but Wade managed it. And then there was just skin. Well, skin and the ravages of advanced disease.
But Cable was a kinky guy. He kept touching Wade, everywhere, not avoiding the scarring or the patches of half-healed skin. He growled and bit Wade's ear and then, when Wade dug fingers into his hips in response, said, "Good. More of that."
Dangerous roads. Dangerous roads. "More of what?"
"Keep touching me." He rolled his hips, long and slow and -
"Dangerous roads," Wade said, but he let himself explore the bumps of Cable's spine, the fucked-up point where the metal erupted along his ass.
"What? Never mind; I don't care." He bent double and rummaged around in his fanny pack, pulling a tube of lube out with a triumphant smile.
"Let me guess. In the grisly, Alan Moore-ripoff future, you trade a little fucking for some more of the previously mentioned, ubiquitous gun oil."
"Not quite." Cable uncapped the lube with his teeth, poured it generally onto his own hand. Oh, God and Jesus and the holy manger sheep, he was really going to -
Cable snorted a laugh when Wade moaned, but Wade didn't care. No one could stay quiet seeing this, the way he prepped himself, back arched as he fucked himself on his fingers. "I could," Wade said, but Cable slapped his hand away.
"I know how I like it."
Fucking. Shit. "Well, maybe I want to know how you like it, too."
"Stay alive and I'll teach you."
Blatant manipulation, blatant! And Wade totally fell for it. It was all he could do to hold on as Cable sank onto his cock, feeling like the world's best fleshlight mated with all his most closely held Daddy issues. "Wait, what did you mean when you said 'not quite'?"
"We don't go for all that gendered crap."
"Oh, come on, you called me a cunt!"
"Yeah, and I bent over for my wife on a regular basis. Shit was fun." And with that mind-blowingly calm statement, he started riding Wade.
"Wait, wait, wait. So this is a thing with you? I thought it was a distraction technique."
"God, you're dumb," Cable said, and shoved him till he was lying flat on the couch. "Shut up and let me ride you, okay?"
For once, Wade felt ready, willing, and able to follow directions. He clicked his mouth shut and didn't open it again until he got a little distracted, thinking about whether or not Ross would let Rachel peg him, and Cable slapped him.
"Ow! What the fuck!"
"Stay here when you're inside me."
"Okay, sure, Jane Austen. Some real romantic dialog there." Wade rubbed his cheek. It didn't sting anymore. Too bad. "For a guy with a dick up his ass, you've got a lot of -"
Cable reached out and pinched his nipple in a vicious, metal grip. All the air left Wade's body, and all his blood went south. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. "I take it back," he wheezed.
"Good," Cable said, and started moving again, like he'd just taken a break to enjoy the scenery.
Impossible. But -
Cable watched him. Pinched his nipples again, slapped him when Wade arched his back and presented Cable with his other cheek. Rubbed him soothingly as he came, shaking, biting back a yell, his fingers digging into Cable's hips.
And then, when Wade was too tired to even talk, Cable jerked off on him, Wade's softening cock still in his ass. He stared down at Wade like he was Nic Cage and Wade was the Declaration of Independence. He splayed a hand on Wade's chest and came just like that, his spunk on his own hand and all over Wade's stomach. He rubbed it in, the filthy fuck, staring at Wade the whole time like smearing his come everywhere was the secret to some big treasure, some precious secret.
Funny thought. "That was kind of fucked up."
"Good for you?"
"I mean. Obviously." Wade wiggled against the couch. "This paisley is scratching my ass."
"Come to bed."
He said it so casually that Wade almost missed out on the feelings in his face. "Kill me first."
Stillness. And danger, somehow, in the set of Cable's shoulders, even though he was bare-ass naked and straddling Wade's thighs.
"Not tonight, honey," Cable said finally. "I have a headache."
"I'll have a headache, too, when I bash it against your bathroom floor because you wouldn't do me a solid and just fucking -"
This kiss was different. Desperate, but in a sexy way, like getting drunk on the anniversary of your fianceé's death. It swept Wade up and he knew, as Cable pulled back, that he'd agree to anything right then, as long as Cable kept smoldering at him.
"Come to bed," Cable said again, his voice soft and pleading.
Twenty-four days. Twenty-four days. Twenty-four days. Tell no one. Twenty-four days was a long time. It wasn't much time at all.
"Wade." Cable touched his cheek again, delicately. Like you'd touch a cute little kitten.
"Lead the way, G.I. Jock," Wade said.
He didn't even bother trying to grab more pizza. That would've required precious time not looking at Cable's ass, and no matter what happened, he only had twenty-four-almost-three days to keep doing that.
Twenty-three. Cable blew him against the front door, the kitchen counter, the couch, and finally, in bed.
Twenty-two. They made out on the couch for what felt like hours.
Twenty-one. Cable tied him up and fucked him, then rubbed his wrists until he fell asleep.
Twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen. Seventeen.
"Motherfucker," Wade said on the sixteenth day. "He distracted me!"
Who wouldn't be distracted by Cable's massive cock and gentle, yet masterful manner? Also all the bottoming, which he clearly did exclusively to fuck with Wade. It occurred to him just then that maybe everything Cable had done, all the gentle fake-loving sex, was actually just intended to distract him from accomplishing his goal.
Dastardly. Deeply personally hurtful. Wade waited at the kitchen table until Cable came back from his job. He smiled when he saw Wade and started stripping off his uniform, and Wade opened his mouth to tell Cable off.
"Got you something," Cable said, and tossed Wade a box of four mint condition vintage Tamagotchi.
Sixteen. Fifteen. Then two weeks, and Wade had killed all four of his Tamagotchi. They were harder to keep alive than he remembered. "It's so easy to forget about these things if your other options aren't Animorphs books and hand-me-down porn."
"Uh-huh," Cable said, and didn't look up from his iPad. He was sprawled on the bed, looking sexy and rumpled and comfortable. This was so domestic, Wade realized suddenly. How the fuck hadn't he noticed what was happening?
"What are you reading over there?"
"Pulled some information from the 'net."
"We call it the 'web', actually."
"Bullshit," Cable said, "you call it 'online' or 'the internet', but I don't need to adjust my language for you primitive fucks."
Wade had learned to tell when he was joking. He smiled a little, like a flasher on the train right before he opened his trench coat. He was joking right now, or at least enjoying himself. But Wade wasn't enjoying himself at all, because -
"Two weeks. I only have two weeks. Cable! Can you chop my head off?"
"You already tried that. Didn't work."
"Snap my neck?"
"Literally the first thing you had me try." He'd put the iPad down and was staring at Wade with appalled sadness. Well, fine, that made two of them. "What's going on? I thought this had been helping."
And that - oooh, that hurt. Because maybe all of this had only ever been pity. A pity fuck, a pity kill, repeat as needed for two weeks.
"Well, you thought wrong," he said. "I got an itch that can only be satisfied by death. Nice, comforting, sexy death."
"It's fine! I don't need to get it here. I can go. There's always the homophobes down at Cowboy Jack's, they're absolutely horny for a beatdown." Wade hopped off the bed. Could he jump out the window? Sure, why not. It wasn't like Cable would -
Cable grabbed his hip.
"Care," Wade said out loud. "Wait, no, what are you doing? Leave me to my barbecue sauce scented fate, please."
"You're such a fucking dumbass," Cable said. "Why are you doing this?"
Wade hadn't exactly missed that Cable could scrape thoughts off the top of his mind if he wasn't careful. He locked his jaw and thought about a Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd bodice ripper.
Who was ripping whose bodice? Wouldn't you like to know.
"Fine," Cable said, "fuck, Jesus, fine. Come here." He yanked Wade, cheating with his telekinesis. Wade didn't tumble; he fell supernaturally gracefully, an invisible force picking him up and pulling him the last few feet, until he lay on the bed under Cable.
"If you'd just fucking tell me," Cable said, "we could fix it."
Wade didn't bother trying not to laugh. It bubbled up in him like champagne barf. "You really, really couldn't."
"You have," Cable said, pulling Wade's sweatpants off, "no fucking clue." He tugged at Wade's shirt, then ripped it, throwing the two pieces on the floor. "What I can and can't do."
"I really do this time, though. Relationships are about mutual trust, so why can't you just -"
"Roll over," he snarled.
Wade blinked. Oh, right, he was naked now. And Cable was scowling at him. He looked really sad, but also furious, which as far as Wade was concerned was good news. It meant he would do what Wade needed him to, or at least wouldn't stop Wade from trying to problem-solve on his own.
"You're a fucking dipshit," Cable said. "A dipshit, a dumbass, a fucking moron." He slapped Wade's ass and it wasn't even a spank; it reminded Wade of that moment when Cable had realized he couldn't die back at the Ice Box, when he'd tilted his head and dialed the violence up to 11. That had been really sexy, actually; maybe he could get Cable to beat him with a length of pipe again?
"No," Cable snarled. "Fucking - no. No, I'm not going to do that."
He was, apparently, going to lick his way into Wade's ass. "Holy fucking shit," Wade said, and grabbed the sheets.
It had to be disgusting. Wade was disgusting! He knew he was! But Cable didn't care, or he was into it. Maybe in the future Wade's ass was a gourmet meal compared to whatever else was on offer. Wade couldn't think about it too much, because everything went from being awkward and wet to being really, really fucking hot and also still wet, and all it took was Cable curling two fingers into him and fucking him almost viciously.
"Maybe I'll just fuck you open till you can't walk," Cable said. His voice was still weird and rough, on edge in a way Wade had only heard a few times before. Weird. Sexy, but weird. "Let's see you try to fucking die when I'm done with you, huh?"
"Okay," Wade said. He would've agreed to almost anything just then.
Almost. Cable's cock pressed against Wade's entrance. Fuck, he wanted it. But when he arched back, trying to take him inside, Cable moved away. "Tell me why you want to die."
"Fuck. Motherfuck! Seriously? Right now?"
"Tell me." Angry, growly voice. Gentle hand stroking his back.
Oprah. "What is the truth," Wade muttered. "No. Just fuck me, I liked that plan. That was a good plan."
Cable muttered something too quiet for Wade to catch and pushed inside.
It was too hard, too much, too fast. Too everything, really. It was perfect, and Wade would've done anything for more. He drove back against Cable, fucking himself on Cable's cock even as Cable's fingers bit into his skin. He scratched over Wade, drawing blood, doing it again when Wade gasped and said, "Fuck, yes, yes yes yes." He bent Wade in half, shoved his face into the bed, and -
Shoved Wade's face into the bed. Shoved his face right into a pillow, so that Wade couldn't breathe, even as Cable came hot and messy into his ass. Wade fought to inhale, choked on nothing, then dropped his head further into the mattress and let Cable press him down.
First came the dizziness, then the ache in his lungs. Cable put a hand on the back of his neck and held him still, metal curling into the pulse at Wade's neck. He reached around and jacked Wade's cock, a rough grip, painful enough for Wade to feel through the buzzing in his head.
He came so hard he screamed. It was the last of his breath. He died still fucking Cable's hand.
Only a minute or two. The worst times didn't last for more than a few days; a little suffocation was so far from 'worst' that it barely ranked. He couldn't have possibly been out for more than two, maybe five minutes. Maybe.
But when he woke up, Cable had a bag and a sad look on his face. And clothes. On his body.
"Hey. Wade. Need you to listen."
"Don't worry," Wade said. "That was great. I'll definitely marry you."
Nate smiled. It wasn't one of his tough-guy smiles. "Fuck, I'll miss your bullshit." He leaned in and kissed Wade, soft and slow. "Tell me why you want to die."
Wade sighed. "Can't."
"Yeah. I know." He kissed Wade again. "See you."
"Bring me back a souvenir!" Wade called after him. "And not just Weasel's kill card, either! A real kitschy airport souvenir!"
It should've been a clue that Cable didn't answer. Actually, that whole scene should've been a clue, but Wade wasn't at his sharpest when he was coming back from dying. It took him three days and Weasel saying blankly, "What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't give him a job," for Wade to realize what had happened.
Cable had dumped him.
"Is it technically dumping if you were just messed up FWB? Jeez, nevermind," Domino said when the question made Wade break out in a fresh wave of sobs.
"I loved him! I loved him and he left me! He kissed me and he killed me!"
"I thought that was a perk."
"It was, but it drove him away. I'm an idiot." Wade threw himself backwards, landing on Russell's soft thigh. "I get it now. I should have had him sign a waiver."
"That's not what safe, sane, and consensual means," Russell said.
"Can it, Virgin Trainee, you wouldn't know either way."
"Do too! The professor gave us all manuals. And anyway, I've seen pornos, so -"
"I can't lie on your thigh when you say 'pornos'." Wade dragged himself upright. "Dom, what am I gonna do?"
"Do a couple jobs for Weasel, get drunk, find someone else to fall in love with?"
"Ness is my true love and she's dead."
"She's alive, Wade. I've actually been meaning to ask you -"
"Of course she's alive! Stupid plot. But she dumped me. It's like she's dead."
"We're actually -"
"And now I'm all alone. Crusty and sad. Like a volcano cooling down." Wade glanced up at the TV, where the news was covering the Hawaii eruption. "Exactly like that."
"Vanessa and I have been hanging out, and we actually have a lot in common, and after Tequila Tuesday we sort of -"
Volcano. Lava. There was something he hadn't tried yet.
"I have an incredible idea," Wade said, and kissed Dom and Russell each on both cheeks. "Thanks for your help! Call me Joe, because I'm about to fight a volcano and I definitely don't plan to win!"
He was on a plane over the Pacific before it occurred to him to wonder what Dom had been going on about. Who knew? Who cared? He had 2000F magma to throw himself into.
But it didn't work. Oh, sure, he burned to ash, but it only took the ash forty-six hours to cobble itself back together. He could practically hear Cable making fun of him for it: you already survived an explosion, dumbass. You need to get creative.
But he had gotten creative. It wasn't his fault. That was the worst part, because if it wasn't his fault it might mean that Cable dying was inevitable, and he'd wasted the last three weeks of feelings for nothing.
Magma sloshed over his healed foot and burned it off. "Ow." He looked up the hill. Oh, no, the magma was moving again.
That night, as he iced his baby foot, he made a difficult decision: he FaceTimed Vanessa.
"Oh! Wade. It's you."
"Yeah, it's me. Happy to see me?"
"Ecstatic," she said, pushing hair out of her face. She was all nice and sweaty, like she'd been doing Corepower Yoga. Mm. Too bad downward dog also didn't work, murder-wise. "Though, um, to be honest, when you want to talk, you normally just - break in."
Wade tilted his phone to show her the baby foot.
"So. What's up?"
"I think I'm in love with Cable."
"Had that revelation while regrowing a foot, huh?"
"Nah, I had to regrow everything else first. Including -"
"Your cock?" Vanessa said as Wade said, "My heart."
"Oh, of course." She quirked her eyebrows at him. "It's a good heart."
"I think so."
"It would probably help if you told your psychic boyfriend what's going on, you know. He's powerful. He could help you."
"The time traveling maniac said -"
"I know what she said. But Cable's clearly not happy with everything. What else do you have to lose?"
"Honestly, some of the best dick of my life."
"Wow. Hurtful. I thought you liked Big Red."
"Baby, I love Big Red, but Cable's dick comes with pathos and a deadly virus."
"You do love pathos." Vanessa smiled a little. "We both do."
"Yeah." Tiny foot. Were there tiny foot fetishists on the internet? Could he sell them pictures?
"Hey, speaking of pathos, I've been meaning to tell you. You know how I'm living with Dom?"
"Hold that thought. Do they sell high heels for babies?"
"Um. I mean, probably. Sexual exploitation begins disturbingly young. But I was going to ask - me and Dom think we want you to know -"
Wade held up a finger. "Reddit calls, babe. Talk later." He hung up.
Two hours and a really expensive pair of tiny high heels later, he had his answer. Yes to the tiny foot fetishists, and yes to the money. To celebrate, he upgraded himself to first class on the flight back home.
Unfortunately, when he got back to his apartment, there was nothing to distract him from the whole 'tell Cable the truth' thing. And Blind Al wasn't even home to talk to, because apparently she had a girlfriend now. Everyone was getting laid except Wade.
Well, Wade and Cable, probably. Unless Cable had a side piece. Maybe he was secretly training Dopinder to be Wade's replacement! Devious Cable. Lucky Dopinder.
Eventually, he dragged himself over to Cable's apartment. He knocked on his door once, twice, then thought maybe he wasn't home and turned to leave. "Christ," Cable said, opening the door.
Wade whirled around. "Oh. It's you."
"Were you expecting someone else?"
"Lava didn't kill me, and I'm in love with you, and a time-traveler from the future told me I had to die or she'd kill you, because in the future you're an evil dictator and I'm your right hand man. Or your secret assassin, she wasn't clear on that point - oh shit! I can fly!"
"No, you fucking can't, dumbass," Cable said. His telekinesis flexed around Wade again, slamming him into the wall just inside Cable's apartment.
He kissed Wade like he was continuing an argument, biting his lip and digging his fingers into Wade's scalp. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," he said.
"Hey, lava could've worked."
"Not what I mean. You stupid fuck." Cable reached down and grabbed his ass, hauled him up and thrust roughly against him. They were both still dressed, it was just dry-humping, but - fuck. Wade arched his back, chasing more of that friction.
"Jesus Christ. Excuse me for not wanting you to die, you asshole."
Cable growled and kissed him again, reaching out and twisting a nipple, slamming him back against the wall hard enough to dent drywall. "An agent of Apocalypse fed you a lie and you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker." He ripped Wade's suit off in two easy movements. His sexy cyborg eye was glowing. It only could've been hotter if his metal arm had suddenly turned into a sword. "Next time, tell me."
"Okay, sure," Wade said. He would've said yes to anything, because Cable still looked furious, pissed beyond all measure, and yet he was dropping to his knees in front of Wade. "Wait, hang on, Cable -"
Cable stopped. Stopped dead, with his forehead resting against Wade's thigh. He was shivering a little - no, shaking. His shoulders shook, his hands trembled against Wade's hips.
Holy fuck. "Never mind." Plot relevant explanations could wait.
Cable made a noise in the back of his throat, a desperate, needy moan, and took Wade's cock in his hand. He licked up it, once, twice - fucking rubbed his face on it like he thought he was some kind of porn star. He could afford a bigger apartment if he switched careers, because the look on his face right now was the hottest thing Wade had ever fucking seen. He sucked Wade so carefully, still shaking a little, eyes on Wade the whole time. "Your kinks are so weird," Wade said, but he couldn't joke after that, not when Cable took him all the way down and used his fucking powers to move Wade's hips and show him how to fuck his mouth.
He took it so well. Wade moved just a little, then more when Cable groaned and arched his back. He was so fucking into it, desperate for it. Wade held his head, stroking his soft hair, and fucked his mouth until his lips were bright red, until his eyes were watering.
Cable didn't say it and he didn't hear it, either, but somehow he felt it: Come on, gorgeous. Like this.
He came down Cable's throat. Gasping. Desperate. "Like a pervy old man who finally give in and fucks the Greek yogurt," he told the ceiling.
"What the fuck?" Cable said from the floor.
His voice was rough, like he'd just sucked a thousand cocks. But he'd only sucked one: Wade's. Fuck, that was hot. "Don't worry about it," Wade said, and dropped to his knees, getting a hand on Cable's cock.
He was hard and leaking, on edge just from giving Wade a blowjob. It was so perfect. "You're like a sex robot. A sex robot calibrated to me. A lunatic, sad sex robot with a kinky attraction to scabies."
"You're a moron," Cable said, and fucked Wade's hand.
But he did more than that, too. He reached out and touched Wade's head, kissed him desperately, fucking clung to him like he was Rose and Wade was a conveniently placed door. Was this romance? If it had been pre-Weapon-X, he would've been able to tell. He'd been okay with Ness, right? But now it was harder, harder to pay attention and harder to draw conclusions, and -
Ness. Me and Dom are -
"Oh my God," Wade said, "Domino's fucking my ex!"
Cable groaned and came all over his fist.
"Wow," Wade said when Cable slumped against him, shivering and nuzzling Wade's neck. "We all have our kinks, but you could just be normal about it, you know, go to Pornhub and search 'lesbian' or whatever."
"That wasn't why. I'd've gagged you if I could've focused long enough."
He wasn't quite kissing Wade's neck, but his lips were moving against Wade's skin and it felt good and weirdly full of feelings. It was Wade's turn to shiver, even as he reached up and pulled Cable closer to him. "I feel so betrayed. I can't believe they didn't tell me."
"They definitely tried. At least once."
"I bet they had a whole epic romance. Wooing! Scissoring." Wade sighed, then imagined what Domino would look like if she knew Wade was fantasizing about her getting sweet, sweet girl-on-girl action. Oops. "I'm glad Ness is happy. She deserves it." There. That was feminist.
"You're still in love with her."
Wade pulled away, thunking his head against Cable's hallway wall. "What?"
Cable's smile looked fake as fuck. Wade hadn't realized how real his other smiles were until he had this one to compare them to. "You're still in love with her. It's obvious. Your whole fuckin' face changes when you talk about her."
"You have so many issues," Wade said. "Why do you care? You're still in love with your not-yet-born wife."
"In my time, we can love more than one person." Cable looked away from him. "But I understand how the culture in this time period works."
"You really obviously don't," Wade said. Then, ding. "Wait, hang on. Who else are you in love with?"
Cable stared off down the hallway, looking vaguely constipated.
"Oh my shit-dicking God, you're in love with me!"
"Why didn't you say anything? You broke up with me! You left! You went and hid, I thought you'd finally found love with three beautiful women and their burly boyfriends down in Tijuana!"
"Wade, there's a -"
"I thought you were having a foursome with triplets on the beach in Ibiza while I jerked off into a Hot Pocket wrapper!"
"Wow," Amaranth said from the end of the hallway. "That's pathetic even by the standards of this century."
"Tried to tell you," Cable muttered.
Wade looked at Amaranth's future-gun, then at Cable, who only had his dick and his good looks. And his raging love-boner for Wade, apparently. "I don't suppose you'd give us a minute to get dressed."
"Nope," Amaranth said, and shot him.
Definitely a new way to die. It liquefied his chest. But he came back a second later to see Cable grabbing his own gun from thin air and returning fire.
"That's a plasma deneutronizer!" Amaranth shouted. "It should have killed you!"
"Uh, well, sorry," Wade said. "Wait, no, bad Canadian! I'm not sorry! I'm glad!" He grabbed the vase sitting on Cable's tasteful hallway table and threw it at Amaranth's head.
In the end it wasn't much of a fight. Amaranth was clearly depending on mind games, or maybe she'd just underestimated them. Cable shot her once, twice, and on the third shot her shielding tech failed. Wade brained her with the hallway table, and then she was dead.
"She really thought she could kill me." He set the table down. "Huh."
"Apocalypse isn't known for poor judgment. You somehow surprised him." A long, pregnant pause. Wade held his breath and waited for the conversation-babies with bated breath.
"And me," Cable finally said, his voice heavy. He dragged a hand through his hair and looked at Wade like he was actually, really, genuinely nervous.
And still naked. The was the best day ever. "You didn't surprise me," Wade said. "I always knew you'd be hung like a camp counselor's townie boyfriend. And anyway -"
Being kissed quiet? Still good. Oh, yeah.
"Wade, thanks for coming. Can you sit on the couch? No, not in the corner. Right in the middle. Great, thanks." Russell settled down in the X-armchair directly across from Wade. "Okay, guys!"
The doors opened, and Colossus, Yukio, Negasonic, Domino, Vanessa, and Dopinder all filed in.
She smiled. "Hi, Wade!"
Wade looked at the people standing around him, all looking some mixture of concerned and frustrated. Hey, wait a minute.
"Russell," Wade said, "did you tell me to sit in the middle of the couch so my intervention would be more cinematic?"
"Yeah, obviously," Russell said. "Domino?"
"You gotta stop dying, man," Domino said. "It's freaking Cable out, and I don't enjoy old men calling me in the middle of the night to talk about their problems."
"Wait, does that mean you enjoy them calling you for other reasons?" Wade turned to Vanessa. "Are you okay with this?"
"I support Domino no matter what." Ness smiled serenely, like the angel they both knew she wasn't. "Also, I think you're a dumbass who needs as many interventions as possible."
"What if the only intervention I need is lesbionic in nature?"
"Dude. Gross." Negasonic flicked his head.
"Hey! This is bullying!"
"Ellie," Russell said, "we talked about this. Violent intervention only if nonviolent intervention fails."
"I do not like picking your limbs out of the garbage, Wade," Colossus said. "Or garbage disposal. Or toilet. Or yard. Or car. Or restaurant. Or -"
"I get it, oh my God, learn when a bit is old," Wade said. "This is very touching, but I'm just going to - go. Now. Look, I'm a superhero, dying's just part of the job sometimes, ya feel?" He stood up.
"All right." Russell sighed. "Bring in the big guns."
Yukio opened the study's furthest door. Cable walked through, looking -
"Oh, wow, we should not have let Russell dress him," Domino said.
- pained. He looked pained, and no wonder, because he was wearing a Ramones t-shirt and very tight ripped jeans that Wade recognized from his last Hot Topic trip. They'd sell Deadpool merch someday! In the meantime, they sold dog collars and eyeliner, and Cable was wearing both of those too.
"See, Cable's in love with you," Russell said, "and if you keep solving problems with a die-first, ask-questions-later kinda strategy, he'll cry. And then his eyeliner will run. You don't want that, right?"
"Where did you get these intervention instructions, exactly? Buffy season six?"
Russell wrinkled his nose. "What's that?"
"Oh, God. I'm old now. Just me and Blind Al, getting the senior discount at Denny's."
"Speaking of Blind Al," Negasonic said, and held up a tablet.
"Quit killing yourself. Unless I'm on your life insurance. In that case, you should probably try a woodchipper," the recording of Blind Al said.
"She's got a point."
"No, she doesn't." Negasonic turned the tablet off and glared at him. "Are you trying to stunt my psychosocial development? Losing a mentor leaves a permanent wound, you know."
Oh no. Oh, no. "Nnnnoooo."
"Well, then." Negasonic crossed her arms and glared at him.
"This is ridiculous! I'm not even your mentor, you have Chromium over there for that."
"She looks up to you, Wade," Colossus said. "And you are my friend. We all worry."
"I do not worry," Dopinder said. "I would be honored to witness your death, and I would drink your blood in hopes that your powers transferred to me."
"Thank you, Dopinder. That's very sweet." Wade looked at all of them. "Look. I get better."
"Not good enough," Russell said. "Alcoholics are sober sometimes, too. Even a smack high fades eventually."
"What are you even watching? How have you gotten more morbid since moving to Casa de Nannycam? Don't answer that. Thanks, guys, but I'm good." He moved to stand. This time, none of them stopped him. "Call me when there's a real emergency, okay?"
Cable followed him out, of course. Wade tossed him the keys and he got into Wade's car. He sat there for a second, hands on the wheel, his stupid Hot Topic dog collar glinting in the sunlight. "They didn't think something serious would get your attention," he said finally. "It was Negasonic's idea. You know, all the stupid shit. Not the weird shit, though, that was all Russell."
"She knows me so well. I wonder why?"
"It's not 'cause you've got the morbid mentality of a teenage girl."
"Hey." Wade stabbed a finger in Cable's general direction. "I can recognize irony, you know."
"You worried them, no irony necessary." Another pause. "Me, too."
"Well, Amaranth's dead now, so it's fine."
"You jumped in front of a train the other day."
"Okay, fine, saving a target who also happened to have twelve million in diamonds on him that I could keep for myself. The point stands."
"Be more careful." Cable looked at him through his mascara'd eyelashes and bit his lip bright red. "Please?"
"This is cheating. This is a setup."
"It's real, I promise. Well, not the clothes. But thinking about you dying..." Cable reached out and stroked Wade's cheek, his ear. "You need to do it, you tell me, okay? Otherwise, at least try to stay safe."
This was so stupid. He was being conned and he knew it. But damn it, Cable had figured out exactly how to touch him to get him to agree to literally anything. No more non-assisted suicide, invading Russia during the winter, voting for Mark Zuckerberg in the primary. Anything! "Oh, God. Okay, fine. I will try, occasionally, to not die. Sometimes."
"Good boy," Cable said, and unbuckled his seatbelt.
Fake goth car sex? Fake goth car sex.
Wade didn't see the group chat on Cable's phone for weeks. All Cable had said in it was, mission accomplished.
He invited his own number to the chat and sent four eggplants, then waited for his friends to reply.