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Flower Power

Chapter Text

"U-Zing!" Mimette yelled. "Serve the senshi your killer sauce!"

"U-Zing! U-Zing! Uuuuuuu-Ziiiiing!" the daimon cried, pointing a canon-like hand at the senshi gathered below her. They screamed and scattered, attempting to dodge yet another gush of the gooey, sticky sauce she had been blasting at them for the past several minutes.

Sailor Mars recovered from the attack first, retaliating with a well-aimed blast of her Fire Soul, but the daimon merely pulled out a slab of marinated pork loin, using Mars's fire to cook them to perfection.

"Mmm, that smells yummy!" Sailor Moon said as she tried to push sauce-coated bangs out of her eyes. "Can I have some?"

"No!" U-Zing yelled, then swallowed the entire pork loin in one bite. She laughed when she caught sight of Sailor Moon's devastated face.

"Meanie! I'll punish you for that!"

Suddenly, a blood-red rose flew through the air, piercing the sticky ground near U-Zing's feet. The action ground to a halt as the newcomer took center stage, perched high on a streetlamp.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon cried, clasping her hands together.

"A worthy sauce enhances but never overpowers. To abuse the unifying powers of a cookout is unforgivable! Now, Sailor Moon! Shred this meat-head!"


Sailor Moon raised her Spiral Heart Moon Rod high in the air.

"Rainbow Moon," she began, spinning the rod like a baton as she twirled, "Heart Ache!"

Silence reigned as U-Zing was framed by unnatural darkness. A rainbow flashed briefly, then an enormous pink heart blasted the daimon.

"Love-lovely!" U-Zing cried as she was thrown backward. As she landed on the ground, she vanished, replaced by a harmless bottle of BBQ sauce with a Pure Heart Crystal shining brightly beside it. A daimon pod squeezed from its side and shattered, releasing a bird-shaped blast of black smoke.

"Looks like U-Zing will be oozing no more," Tuxedo Kamen said with a smirk.

"I'll get you next time, stupid sailor senshi!" Mimete cried, then was gone.

Sailor Jupiter rushed to the celebrity chef lying unconscious nearby that Mimete had been targeting.

"Quick Sailor Moon, restore his Pure Heart Crystal!" she said as she cradled his head.

Sailor Moon nodded, gently picking up the crystal and bringing it to him, allowing it to be reabsorbed by his body.

The man blearily opened his eyes, then ran a hand through his spiked, bleach-blond hair.

"Dude Fiero?" Sailor Jupiter asked. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Is . . . is this Flavorville?"

She laughed. "It is until Sailor Mercury gets all the sauce cleaned up."

Behind them, Mercury was busy blasting the BBQ-sauce covered trees with water, attempting to return them their normal, un-sauced state.

"Well," Tuxedo Kamen said, turning to leave, "I guess my work here is done."

"Argh!" Sailor Mars screamed, stopping him in his tracks. "This is so stupid!"

"Don't worry Sailor Mars," Sailor Moon said. "I'm sure Sailor Mercury will be able to get the sauce off of your shoes—"

"That's not what I'm talking about!"


"It's him!" she said, pointing a sticky finger at Tuxedo Kamen, who merely raised a curious eyebrow at her. "He's stupid."

"He is not, Mars!" Sailor Moon said, hands on her hips. "He's in college and—"

"No, no. I mean, his whole act is stupid!" she said, waving her hands in the air. "Swooping in to save the day when he doesn't do anything. A rose? How useless can you be?!"

"I see nothing wrong with my roses," Tuxedo Kamen answered. "They're elegant, sophisticated, and have really pointy thorns. Those hurt, you know."

"But you don't even try to hit the bad guy most of the time!" she said, stomping her foot and spraying droplets of BBQ sauce over Tuxedo Kamen's shoes. "The only thing you really do is buy time, which you use up to give some stupid speech, then tell Sailor Moon to use her powers which, by the way, she is perfectly capable of doing on her own!"

By now the rest of the senshi had gathered around Mars and Tuxedo Kamen, while Dude Fiero sat dazed in a puddle of BBQ sauce.

"Your roses are stupid, your speeches are stupid, your costume is stupid, this fic is stupid, [AN: no comment] stupid, stupid, stupid!"

"What are you suggesting he do, Sailor Mars?" Mercury asked.

"Can't you make some other type of flower or something?" Mars said. "Something not so lame? Something that's actually useful?"

Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus looked at each other with raised eyebrows while Mercury looked thoughtful. Moon, on the other hand, looked close to tears again.

"Why are you being so mean, Sailor Mars?"

"No, Sailor Moon, she has a point," Tuxedo Kamen said, tapping his chin. "I suppose I could stand to mix it up a bit. After all, you have all unlocked new attacks in the last three seasons while I've been relying on the same attack I used in the first episode!"

"That's not true," Sailor Moon said. "What about your cane? What about your hang glider?!"

"True," Tuxedo Kamen said, "but it would be nice to see what else I can do with my . . . flower power."

"Great," Mars said. "Just make it something useful, OK?"

"I'm nothing if not useful," Tuxedo Kamen said with a smile. "And now, I bid you all adieu. Farewell!"

"He's so dreamy . . ." Sailor Moon sighed as he bounded into the night.

Sailor Mars scowled. "More like a nightmare."