I do not have high hopes of this stupid journal thing being of any help. Rubbish is what I think. But she’s sitting there watching me write so I guess I’m going to write in this blasted book after all. This however will be nothing like Tom Riddle’s diary and is just supposed to be my thoughts and feelings on paper, at least that’s what she wants.
I suppose I will start with my father, blasted man if you ask me. He was sent to Azkaban quickly after You-know-who was defeated, destroyed, however the wizarding world wants to look at it. Mum let me come home and for a while all we did was sleep. I remember that, we were both so tired from all the games and the fear and the war. Dad wants me to come visit but I doubt he’s allowed visitors, he’s still under the impression that he did nothing to deserve what he got. I’d say siding with the Death Eaters warrants being locked up. Maybe that means I should be too… maybe not though. Mum and I swore our alliance to the good side and now here we are, good I guess.
Maybe not having a job is why I feel so lost, maybe it’s because I miss my school days, maybe it’s the fact that I love someone other than my wife.
I saw him today. I wonder if he knows the way I look at him, the way I've always looked at him. She insisted we go shopping so we did, heading toward Diagon alley. She chatted the whole way which I tuned out as we walked into the Leaky Cauldron and I tapped the brick that would grant us entry. We walked into the packed ally. She stopped her chatter, said something about wanting new books pecked me on the cheek and promised to see me later. I mumbled something about being around and headed off down the street. I put my hands in my robe pockets and walked with my head down. These trips are never fun for me. That's when I heard his chuckle. I looked up a moment too late and we both went tumbling to the ground.
"Sorry" he said, his voice still holding the laugh.
"No it's my fault, my head isn't here today. My apologies" I replied. He smiled at me and I felt my heart swell.
"Don't sweat it, Malfoy" he said and reached around me for the books I'd knocked from his hand by running into him. I can still feel the shivers his nearness caused. He had to lean forward to reach the book and his face was a just a few inches from mine. His bright green eyes were lighter than I'd ever seen them and he looked happy.
"I'll pull you up. You don't look so good or maybe you're just that pale" he said standing. I smiled and reached for his hand
"I'm just that pale" I said breathlessly. His hand was warm and rough, I glanced down and saw the faint lines of the scar that was barely notable.
"My hand can't be that amazing, especially not to the great Draco Malfoy" he chuckled.
"My greatness must pale to yours then" I replied.
"I'm not the pale one Malfoy we established this. And oh no! Look I messed up your perfect hair." I ran a hand through it smiling at the fact that even though it was said sarcastically he'd called my hair perfect.
"And what do you know about perfect hair, yours is a mess" I replied. He grinned at me and it was like a sleeping potion to my tired soul.
"Fair point Draco. I don't see the wife, you shopping by yourself?" He raised an eyebrow.
"She... You know I didn't really listen when she said where she was but she's around." He laughed again at that and I thought that if I'd died right then and there I could die happy knowing I made him laugh.
"You want to have ice cream with me and Gin? She's been craving it lately which is why we're here." I'd forgotten he was married.
"Do you think she's going to mind having the boy who tortured you in school join you?" I asked. He smiled.
"You didn't torture me, you acted the way you had been taught to." He grinned and grabbed my arm and dragged me into the ice cream parlor. A very pregnant Weasley was sitting at a booth in the corner fanning herself and inhaling ice cream with a speed that would have made her brother proud. Harry chuckled and headed to the counter to order,
"I'll have a chocolate Sunday and whatever blondie behind me wants" I whipped around and stared at him. He smiled and jerked his head toward the witch waiting for my order.
"Banana split, extra chocolate please" I said quietly. She smiled and started to prepare the ice cream.
"Go sit, I'll bring the food over." So I went and sat across from his wife. She smiled at me around a bite of ice cream and continued to fan herself with napkins.
"This blasted baby is getting anxious. He wants out but he's got a whole more month. You hear that little moocher? One more month!!" The last bit was directed at her huge stomach. I laughed as her husband slid into the seat next to her and pushed my ice cream toward me.
"Banana split huh? Never pegged you as a banana lover" She said. He nodded in agreement and they both looked at me.
"They taste good and I like the name." I answered softly. Weasley choked on her ice cream and he had to clap her back in between chuckles himself. When she could breathe again she grinned at me.
"That was adorable Draco." She said. I flushed and looked down.
We ate in comfortable silence for a while when Weasley sat up a bit straighter.
"Here feel, the little bugger’s kicking." He placed his hand on her stomach and smiled. I carefully ignored the spasm of jealousy I felt. She looked at me "Do you want to feel too? It's not weird I promise." I looked at him and he nodded so I reached across the table and placed my hand on her stomach. The baby was kicking and I felt at least four strong ones in the span of the few seconds I had my hand there. I must have looked shocked because they both laughed again.
"He's feisty like his dad." I murmured. He practically roared with laughter at that and almost fell out of his chair.
"That's what I've been sayin!! He doesn't believe me!" She said over his laughter. I smiled.
"Congratulations Ginny." My words were barely audible as he was still laughing but she smiled and nodded at me. When he'd stopped laughing he smiled at me
"That was the hilarious Malfoy." I smiled. We finished our ice cream. And then walked out into the sunshine and hustle of the street.
"Love, I'm gonna go lie down, see you at home?" She asked.
"Yep! I've got to get some things here and then go to work real quick and then I'll be home." She smiled and then headed off down the street.
"I'm gonna get some books want to come?" He asked. I was about to respond when she appeared at my elbow.
"There you are, Draco, I've been looking for you, shall we go?" I glanced down at her and turned back to him.
"It was good seeing you, thank you for the ice cream. I'd better be going." He nodded and with a smile as well as a slight wave he headed off.
Astoria raised an eyebrow "Since when are you two friends?"
"We just bumped into each other and he invited me for ice cream. It's not like I had anything else to do." I said a bit harshly than I meant to but she gets on my nerves sometimes.
We walked back to the Leaky Cauldron and had some butter beer before heading home. She chattered about her purchases the entire time and I nodded along with her.
She's calling me to bed but I can't rid my mind of him. The way his laugh sounds the way his eyes lit up, the way he bought me ice cream. The feel of his hand on my arm as we had gone into the ice cream parlor. I wonder what it's like to kiss him. I wonder if he holds the Weaslette at night. Probably not seeing as she seems to be constantly overheating because of the baby. I wonder if he'd let me tuck him against my chest because I’m taller.
I dreamt about him last night. When I finally went to bed, she was already asleep thank god. Poor thing, doesn't deserve a gay husband who’s drowning in unrequited love. Any way I want to record my dream so I can revisit it and remember how blissful it was.
I was lying in a bed that wasn't mine without a shirt on. He came into the room and he also was shirtless. His chest was damp from a shower and he had a towel to his head. He wasn't wearing his glasses and he turned and looked at me.
"You should really shower too you know." He said.
"Only if you come too" I replied smiling at him. He rolled his eyes and chuckled.
"I just showered you dummy" I grinned and patted the bed next to me.
"Cuddle then, before you go." I said. He grinned and came over to lie down and look at me. I combed a hand through his hair and gazed at him.
"What about our wives Malfoy?" I put my fingers to his lips and shook my head
"When you're in bed with me, we don't think about them" he nodded and cuddled closer. I kissed his head and held him close. Breathing in his scent and listening to his breathing.
"I don't want to leave." He whispered.
"So don't." I muttered back. I could feel his smile against my chest. And then...
It ended. It was beautiful and tender and I hope for a future with him. I have to see him again. I have to know if this hope filling my chest is worth it. I have to know, before I drown in thoughts of his tantalizing smile.
Merlin, reading that last entry makes me cringe. What a sap. How very un-Slytherin of me. Anyway, I may be the stupidest person I know. For Merlin’s sake I don't know what I was thinking. My wife has a job and because I'm bored I decided to get one too. I went to the Ministry to try and apply for something. I need to get out of the house and I know he works there. Not that that was the reason I went… who am I kidding. I don’t need to lie to you. He’s the reason I went.
Anyway, I walked in and stopped at the reception desk. I asked the pretty witch behind the desk if there were any departments hiring. She looked up at me in a judgmental sort of way but pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote down the floors and names of the departments hiring. She handed me a badge that said visitor and the information. I walked to the nearest lift, stepped in and glanced at the list. My heart stopped. The first department she had written down was the Auror department floor 6. He worked there!! I selected the floor and fidgeted nervously as the lift brought me to the right floor. The doors opened on to utter chaos. People were running around shouting at each other. The purple airplanes were zooming in and out of offices and I was jostled out of the lift by two very disgruntled Aurors and at least 17 purple paper airplanes. I took a deep breath and walked into the first office. I stood nervously in the doorway unsure if I should interrupt the witch seated at the desk, who was bent over a piece of parchment.
"I don't like lingering, either come in and state your business or leave me to my work." I jumped as she spoke and headed in to her office.
"Yes...er hi. I'm looking for a job and the woman at the reception desk said that this department is hiring?" The witch looked up at me then. One eyebrow raised as she seemed to study me.
"He may hire you. One of my Aurors is looking for an assistant. Go down the hall, his office is the last one. And don't linger in doorways boy, it's quite annoying." I said my thanks and headed down the hall to the office. I wondered if he had an office. When I reached the last office I took a deep breath and headed in. The desk in the office was facing the door but the owner of said desk was standing behind it looking at something on a shelf in front of him. He had long brown hair that was held back in a low ponytail. I cleared my throat.
"Give me a minute this is a wee bit pressing."
"It's no problem." I answered. I glanced around the office. A Quidditch poster adorned one wall but otherwise the office was pretty bare. The wizard turned around. He smiled and extended his hand.
"Hello, I recognize you but I doubt you know me. I'm Jeffery Moon. I believe we were in the same year at Hogwarts. What can I do for you Mr. Malfoy?" I shook his hand and returned Jeffery's warm smile.
"I heard you were hiring an assistant. I'd like to apply for the position." Jeffery's eyebrows shot up so fast I had to chuckle.
"Oh! Sorry that was not at all what I expected. Yes, I am looking for an assistant. Someone to answer memos for me and run errands to other departments and such. Is that really something you want?"
"Yes, I'm feeling a bit cooped up at home to be honest and I'd love something to get me out of the house."
Jeffery nodded and thought for a minute.
"I'll hire you. When can you start?" I blinked in surprise earning a huge laugh from Jeffery.
"I can start on Thursday." I said quietly.
"Perfect. Here. These are the forms you need to fill out. You'll work from 8 in the morning until around 6 in the evening, Monday through Friday. There might be the occasional weekend but it's highly unlikely." I took the forms he offered and nodded. Jeffery stood and offered his hand. I shook it and nodded when he said he'd see me Thursday. I left the Ministry and headed home. My wife was confused when I told her but nodded and told me that she supported me. Have I mentioned that I don’t deserve her?
That Thursday I got up and apparated to the Ministry. That's why it's been a while since I've updated. Jeffery's work is intense and I'm usually very busy. Whether it's running down to the muggle department to get a statement from someone there on a bewitched artifact or something and then dashing back to Jeffery to hand him the statement only to go dashing to Saint Mungos to talk to some patient on if they thought their injuries were due to dark magic or not. I'm usually so exhausted when I get home that I don't have time to write. But it's glorious and I love every minute of it. I haven't seen him yet. He must be just as busy as the rest of us but I'm hopeful I will at some point. Sometimes I lie in bed, listening to her soft breathing and wonder about him, if he’s awake too, if he’s thinking of me.
My hand is trembling as I write this because of my excitement. It finally happened. I saw him! I woke up this morning and got dressed in my black robes as usual and headed to work. I showed up at promptly at 8.
"Good morning Draco. I've got to go to Little Whinging to see about an exploding rose bush and then a hexed rocking chair or something. Could you go with some other Aurors to investigate some incident at Saint Mungos?" Moon said when I entered his office.
"Sure!" I said.
"Perfect. I just need some notes so that I can help them later. I should be gone all day so once you're done with that you can go home. Don't look like that you work-a-holic." I laughed at that.
"I know that laugh. It's a little less cruel now but I know the laugh." A voice said from the door way. I turned to find him lounging against the door frame. His glasses were smudged a bit and his wand was tucked behind one ear. Moon chuckled.
"Hey there Potter. Draco will be going with you to the hospital to get those statements. I've been called away." He nodded and looked at me, grinning.
"Sounds good, Malfoy's good company." (I flushed a bit when he said this) and nodded.
"Well Malfoy shall we?" I nodded, grabbed some parchment and followed him out into the hallway.
"Jeffery told me he hired an assistant, finally. I thought it would be some perky little witch not tall Malfoy. But I'm glad he's got some help. Witches in the other departments are always calling him with stuff because they think he's got a nice arse." He paused to chuckle and I couldn't help but laugh too. "But I dare say they are still calling because you might have a nice arse too." He grinned as we climbed into the lift and I felt myself blush. "Draco Malfoy are you blushing?! My goodness you've changed since school! How's the wife?" I flushed deeper.
"She's fine. Annoyed that I'm so busy but she's managing." He sent me a sidelong look but said nothing. We left the ministry and apparated to the hospital.
"You ready for this?" He asked. I nodded and we walked in. I pulled some parchment out of my bag and tapped it with my wand. It floated in the air behind us as we were shown to the patient’s rooms. To be honest, I don't remember much of what we talked about with the patients. The charmed parchment kept track for me, magically recording the statements each gave. I watched him.
The way he smiled at the witches as he asked them to recount what happened. The way his hips moved through his robes, the way he constantly pushed his hair out of his eyes, the way he always took a deep breath before talking to each person as though steeling himself. I loved watching his lips when he spoke and the way his hands looked on the sheets of the beds when he would rest them there. I tried (in vain) to shut out the jealous snake that rose inside me every time he touched a crying witch’s hand. I tried to stop wanting him, tried to pretend that I didn't want to push his hair back from his face for him, tried to stop my fingers from twitching with longing to twine with his as we walked out of the hospital.
He sighed as we left and blinked into the sun. "You know what I want to do? I want to go to the Leaky Cauldron and get hammered. Merlin’s beard everything at home is baby this, baby that and then here it's dark wizard this, dark witch that. I just need a break you know?" I nodded.
"Do you want company? With your drinking?" I asked. He looked at me skeptically.
"Do you want to come? Won't your wife wonder?"
"She has some meeting with some people today and won't be home until late anyway."
"Then let's go!" He grinned and we apparated to the Leaky Cauldron. We went in and sat toward the back. He ordered a bottle of fire whiskey and some shot glasses. We did shots for a while. And I couldn't help but laugh at how much of a light weight he was.
"You know somefink Smalfoy? You're really great. And everyyyyyyyybody hated you but you know what? I like you!" I laughed at how he was saying everything. His fire whiskey sloshed on his robe. He looked down at it for a moment. "Smalfoy I spilled. How mm I suppose to get drunk now?" I laughed and took his glass. He pouted and glared at me. I sighed and gave him another shot, because really? Who can resist those eyes? He downed it. And then giggled. By the time all of the fire whiskey was gone he was completely out of it, singing the Hogwarts school song and trying to toast everyone in sight.
"Alright. Let's get you home."
"Don't want go home! Want more fire!" He said. I rolled my eyes and hoisted him up so he was leaning on me.
"Hogwarts Hogwarts hoggy hoggy Hogwarts. You know somethin? I'm not ready to be a dad. I'm gonna drop him down the stairs or something. What if I kill him?" He stopped walking and looked concerned.
"You are going to be a great dad. Don't worry." I murmured. I realized that I had no idea where he lived. So I took him home with me. (you don’t have to say anything, I am well aware of how this looks) We apparated to my house and put him in an upstairs bedroom. I sat him on the bed and pulled off his shoes.
"Smalfoy I'm sleepy" he said. I laughed and pushed him back on the bed. He flopped back and grinned at the ceiling. I started to stand up but he grabbed my wrist. "I don't want to be alone." He said, green eyes boring into me. I nodded and sat back down on the bed. He sighed and snuggled into the bed. I reached out gently and removed his glasses and smoothed his hair back.
"I'm not going anywhere, I promise." I whispered as his breathing relaxed into soft snores. I ran downstairs for my journal and now I'm sitting here writing this while he sleeps a mere two feet from me. I can't believe it. Maybe I should owl the Weaselette but I'd rather stay here and listen to him breathe. What a creepy prick I am.
I'm such an idiot and I'm doomed to live an unhappy life and I probably deserve it. I don't know what I was thinking. I was exhausted and so I crawled into bed with him. What the hell was I thinking?! He was gracious when he woke this morning and woke me up and thanked me for staying with him and then he left to go apologize to his wife. And I've been kicking myself all day for being so stupid. He probably knows now. What an idiot.
Work was fine. My wife keeps looking at me like I might explode and I feel like I might. Why did I get married? Why did I doom her to suffer with me in my own personal hell? To love me but not have me love her back? I can't when I'm so head over heels in love with someone else. That poor thing. I should just let her go. Should just set her free so she can find someone else to love. Someone who will love her.
I had to take a break. From this, from feeling. I had to breathe. He keeps saying hi at work and I nod and head off to where ever I'm headed. I see the hurt in his green eyes but it will never compare to the ache in my chest when I see him. But I have to keep my distance. She’s pregnant. I'm going to be a father. I have to be the man she and that little life needs me to be. I have to be a committed father, I have to shop for cribs and clothes and I have to fake being something I'm not. I have to be something proud and strong and a good man so that the baby has a good role model. But lately since she told me I've been going to the bedroom he slept in and sitting on the bed and remember how it felt to have him near, to have him so vulnerable and near me. I cried when she told me and she thinks it was from joy and part of it was. But part of it was also because I'm trapped now. What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife for a man who is also married?! What kind of man leaves his infant and his wife to fend for themselves to try and fight for a love only he feels? A horrible man that's who. I swore when I married her I would do better than my father did. He must have loved mum but I'm not him. I never will be. That's why I never write his name. She can probably figure it out if she ever reads this but without his name she can live in denial. And maybe so can I. I won't see him outside of work. I'll be the husband I need to be. I have to be. Nothing like a baby to make you feel backed into a corner. I’m also going to stop thinking of that child like a shackle, they didn’t ask for this and none of this is their fault. I will do better than my father, I swear it.
I told him about the baby. I don't owe him anything and I don't know why I did it. But he was passing by me in the hall and he said hello and it spilled out. His face lit up and he congratulated me and said that I'm going to be an excellent father. He clapped my shoulder and grinned at me.
"Congratulations Malfoy. Fatherhood is beautiful." We both laughed at that and then he dashed off to talk to Moon about the witches we visited and I ran off to talk to Arthur Weasley about some exploding muggle thing or another. But I was grinning the whole day. What ever happened to not being in love with him? I've got 8 months to figure it out I guess.
Maybe our children will be in the same house at Hogwarts and they can become friends and then...and then I have got to stop feeling this way. She needs me. And I love her but it's nothing to the intensity of what I feel for him. I can do this. I can. I must. I have to. The baby...