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Texts From Last Night: A Ridiculous SPN Text Comedy

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In retrospect, Sam shouldn't have turned off his phone.

DEAN (4:45 PM): Stop sulking.
DEAN (5:46 PM): Dude, u can still make the movie! Exploding ZMBS!
DEAN (5:47 PM): Cas even wants u 2 come.
CAS (5:48): Please stop being a 'wet blanket' and come see the film, Sam.

DEAN (6:02 PM): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these ppl.

DEAN (9:10 PM): Iam gonna get cas drunk 2night.
DEAN (9:15 PM): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on ur dick, it still wouldnt get u laid. Come out.
CAS (9:18 PM): Please ignore everything your brother says. He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We haven't even left the theater yet.

CAS (9:27 PM): Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
CAS (9:28 PM): Apologies, Sam, that was meant for Dean.

DEAN (10:10 PM): I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people.

DEAN (11:08 PM): Just met 4 hotttt grlz. Told them u could toss a salad like wolfgang puck. u should b here. C what happens when ur not?

DEAN (12:00 AM): I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
DEAN (12:00 AM): there is no god
CAS (12:02 AM): There is a God.

CAS (12:51 AM): I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me. Dean said I should ask you why.

DEAN (1:43 AM): So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place.

VOICEMAIL (1:46 AM): Goddamit it, Sam, why the fuck is your phone off? Do you have any idea what your dumbfuck brother has gotten into? Castiel is drunk, Sam. He's singing me songs. About toys! He asked me where the gates to hell went. So help me, you boys had better not come see me ever again, y'hear. Ungodly hour that it is...Aw hell, that's probably the police again. Call your brother, you idjit!

DEAN (3:11 AM): my phone is set on vibrate and is tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.

CAS (3:37 AM): I'm drinking on the job. HEAVLY.

DEAN (4:39 AM): if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming in2 ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
DEAN (4:40 AM): keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction

DEAN (5:15 AM): Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops

CAS (5:37 AM): Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one? Dean says size matters and you are the expert.
CAS (5:42 AM): Never mind, he has offered to demonstrate.

DEAM (7:21 AM) Im doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.

Sam stared down at his phone. Dean had a lot of explaining to do.

Sam just had to find him first.

***

Dean's phone had apparently died after that last text because all of Sam's calls went straight to voicemail. Cas wasn't picking up either, which meant Sam was left to do this the old fashioned way.

He started at the movie theater.

“Dean! Si!” the enthusiastic janitor said. “He is cool!”

“Do you know where he went?” Sam asked, jaw clenched.

“Ah, a bar. Him y los autros.”

“Great, do you know what bar?”

“No name,” the man said, and gave Sam two thumbs up. He wandered away, laughing to himself.

“Perfect,” Sam muttered.

“No Name Bar,” a voice chimed in. A bored looking ticket attendant slouched against the candy counter, popping her gum. “It's about a mile down the road. You Sam?”

“Yes,” Sam said warily. He really didn't like the knowing grin that spread over her face.

“Well alright then.”

Sam turned to leave, but something made him pause. “How old are you?” he asked, turning to look at the girl.

“Nineteen.”

“Of course you are.”

---

No Name Bar was not the kind of place Dean usually frequented. It definitely catered to a certain college clientele—the kind that popped their collars and wore their sunglasses at night.

“Sorry, we're closed,” a voice called out as Sam stepped in the bar.

“Yeah, I know, I'm just looking for my brother, I was told he was here last night.”

“No patrons left,” the bartender said dismissively.

“His name is Dean. He was here with his friend Cas?”

“Holy shit you must be Sam! Katie! Sam's here!” the bartender called, suddenly all smiles. That sinking sensation was back.

“SAM?!” A tiny brunette woman tore out of the back and hugged Sam like her life depended on it. “I've heard so much about you!”

“Yeah, I've been getting that a lot,” Sam grumbled. “I'm just wondering if you know where Dean and Cas are?” Katie and the bartender traded huge grins.

“Depends. Did you explain to Cas why the chair was trying to run away?” Katie asked him. “Nah, I'm just messin'. They took off with these four girls who were trying to get into Cas's pants. He seemed pretty freaked by all the attention. He just realize he was straight or something?”

“Something like that,” Sam agreed. “Do you know where the closest, uh.” Sam has conned his way through a hundred cases, snowed thousands of people. So why was it so hard to ask two strangers he'd never meet again where the nearest adult toy shop was?

“The Toys-R-Us on Devine.”

“Excuse me?”

“One of the girls, Erin, she's a manager at the Toys-R-Us on Devine, said she'd let them all in after hours to indulge their inner child or something. No guarantees they got there, Dean was holding Cas up by the coat, but you could see if she's working today.”

“I...thank you, Katie. For everything.” Sam was going to kill his brother when he tracked him down.

“No problem, sugar.” She slipped a piece of paper into his front pocket, her hand straying dangerously close to his family jewels. “And if y'all stick around, you give me a call, Wolfgang. By the way, your car is in the back.”

---

“Hi, I'm looking for Erin?” Sam asked the bored looking teenager at the service counter.

“You got a complaint of sumin'?”

“Uh, yes. Kind of.”

“ERIN! CUSTOMER!” Sam flinched away from the scream. A woman who looked like she'd seen much better, less hungover, days came out from the back.

“How may I help you?” Sam sighed and bit the bullet.

“I'm Sam.”

“Holy crap!”

“Yeah. That's what I was afraid of,” Sam muttered to himself. “Do you know where my brother and his friend are?”

“Dean and Cas?” Sam realized he'd never get used to other people calling the angel 'Cas.'

“Yeah.” Erin's eyes got very wide and a suggestive smile curled over her lips.

“I assume they got a room. We were playing truth or dare with the Barbies—”

“With...with the Barbies?”

“Yeah, Dean's idea, he's totally brill.”

“Yeah. Totally.”

“So anyways, we had some awesome dares. Dean got this one where he had to put on an Indiana Jones hat and some Barney socks and sing this song...”

“Courtesy of the red, white, and blue?” Sam guessed.

“Yeah! How'd you know?! Anyways, Mel dared Dean to lay one on Cas and...well...” Erin leaned in conspiratorially. Sam had no choice but to lean in close as well. “This is a kids store!”

“I...had noticed that?”

“Right, so you get why I can't, yanno, go into details. But anyways, they kind of...surpassed the dare. And it was hot, but I think Dean was a little freaked, so we drank some more and naturally started talking about...” Erin glanced left and right to make sure no one was listening, “boy parts and then Dean said something stupid because omigod boys and Cas left in a huff without his clothes—”

“Castiel was NAKED?!”

“We played strip poker with the Disney Princesses cards, try to keep up. So, anyways, he stuffed all their clothes into this trash bag and he ran out after Cas and...that was it.”

“So you have no idea where they went?”

“Nope sorry. But I've heard things about you.”

“You and the rest of the world,” Sam muttered darkly.

***

Sam returned to the hotel defeated. He'd wasted an entire day looking for Dean, who could take care of himself even in a drunken stupor. His phone rang and her fumbled to get it.

“Dean?!”

“Sam! Finally, where the hell have you been?”

“Where—Dean!” Sam resisted the urge to kick the Impala. She was not responsible for her owner's stupidity. “I've been looking for you all day! The last text you sent me you were doing a walk of shame at 7 in the morning and didn't tell me WHERE YOU WERE. So where the fuck are you?”

“I have no idea. Cas got me and whammied us to this crappy little hotel. Got a room. Dude, I got Cas wasted.”

“Dean! Focus.” Sam could hear the sounds of papers fumbling and drawers opening.

“Hold on Samantha, gotta go outside to see the name. Cheap ass motel doesn't even have station...ary.”

Sam really did not want to turn around. Because if he did, he might have to kill someone. Because he could have sworn he heard the sound of a door opening on his phone and from behind him.

“Hey, Sammy.” Sam counted down from one hundred. Then started over. And took a very deep breath.

“Dean,” he ground out. He turned around to find his brother standing in the doorway of the room right. Next. Door. His hair was shoved to one side and he wasn't wearing a shirt. His eyes were bleary and bloodshot.

“Dude. You missed an epically awesome night. You would not believe what happened.”

“Oh, I think I would,” Sam disagreed darkly.

“Dean, I do not understand why there are so many layers.”

Sam desperately wondered if there was enough alcohol in the world to block out the image of Castiel with sex hair and a giant love-bite on his chest. He was determined to find out.

***

SAM (12:44 AM): there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

SAM (1:12 AM): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

SAM (1:28 AM): Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

SAM (2:01 AM): May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape

SAM (2:53 AM): Am watching Juno with Katie. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant

“Shit, Cas, we gotta go get Sam!”