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yours truly

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August 5, 2017

Dear User930309,

I’m writing this letter to you because my mother thinks it’s a good idea to “put myself out there” or whatever. She suggested penpals and I thought, hey, why not? I don’t have much to lose, right? If you don’t reply, I don’t know you so it won’t hurt all that much. Plus, writing is nice. There is something really calming about writing with pen and paper that you just can’t feel with typing on a computer or phone.

So that’s how I found you on penpalsearch.com!! Your bio was short, and you’re like, the only user that didn’t give a name. I kind of like that. It’s ~mysterious~ haha. Just please don’t turn out to be some crazed stalker or something. Ugh, that would really suck.

Buuuuuut I’ll just introduce myself a bit, on the off chance that you’re not out to kill me! :D

I’m going to be a first year university student with a major in contemporary dance this fall. I’m so excited!! And kind of scared, to be honest. I went to a performing arts high school for the past four years, and it was competitive and challenging, and I know university is going to be so much more intense. Especially the one I’m going to; I still can’t even believe I got accepted because I’m not that good and it’s really prestigious.

Ahh I’m sorry I’m rambling so much. I just! This is probably the most interesting thing about me, so it’s fitting for an introduction, you know?

Sigh~ I think I’m going to stop here. It’s late and I have an early practice tomorrow. Sorry!

.

Yours truly,

Jimin :)

P.S. What do the numbers in your username mean?? :0

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2017.08.15

jimin,

i made that account back in middle school when penpals were still cool. to be honest, i forgot it existed. i never got that many letters; i guess people aren’t too keen on sending their address to a nameless stranger from the internet. you’re the exception, for better or for worse.

the address you have is my parent’s. i don’t live there anymore (obviously, since i’m a junior in uni) so i’ll write the return address as my p.o. box. use it instead. i don’t need another awkward phone call from my mom asking who jimin is and why he’s sending me letters like it’s the 1900s.

why did your mom tell you to make friends? especially this way? don’t you have at least a few? even i do, and that says a lot because i’m not exactly sociable.

you sound nice enough. and talented, if your school choices are anything to go by. i’m sure you’ll do fine in uni. unless you signed up for morning classes. those are the worst and you will die.

hope practice went well?

.

yoongi

p.s. the numbers are my birthday

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August 19, 2017

Dear Yoongi,

Okay wow first of all I can’t believe you gave me your name that easily. For some reason I figured it would take a lot longer, and that you’d be all secretive about it. I guess User930309 isn’t as mysterious as I thought :((( I’m going to leave a 2 out of 5 star rating on your profile for instilling false hope.

Second thing, penpals ARE still cool!! In such a society where technology is constantly being utilized to perpetuate an increasingly rapid-pace, impersonal and materialistic social norm, it is valuable to stop every now and then and do things that disconnect us from that. It’s not that I think technological advances are bad, because I don’t, but I just feel like we lose a lot of depth and meaning in our lives because of instant messaging and such.

And I never said I don’t have any friends. I have a best friend named Taehyung, actually, and he’s studying at the same university as me but for acting. We’re nearly the same age so we’re both going to be freshmen in two weeks (!!!).

But to answer your question, my mom worries a lot, I guess. I didn’t go to middle school much because I was constantly in the hospital for stuff (I’m fine now, don’t worry), and then when I joined high school I was lonely until I met Tae. After that, I never felt much of a need to make more friends. And now that I’m going off into the world on my own for the first time, she’s basically making a lot of last ditch efforts to make me a son she can be proud of, including forcing me to socialize. Ugh, she made me go to her church brunch last week and it was awful. Who knew old ladies could spill so much tea in the span of a single hour?

I have several morning classes, but I don’t mind. I’m a morning person!! I can tell you aren’t, haha. You’re missing out! The sunrise is really nice.

Practice was okay. I messed up a few times and it really sucked. How am I going to be a successful dancer one day if I can’t even master a simple choreography? I’m going to practice twice as long next time to make up for it.

.

Yours truly,

Jimin :)

P.S. Ohh that’s so cool!! You’re so creative ^3^

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2017.08.30

jimin,

wow, brat. two stars??? you wound me.

i can kind of understand where you’re coming from when you say that sometimes people need to take a break from technology. every summer my two friends and i go camping in the countryside and it does wonders for our mental stability. it’s, as jin would say, “cleansing.”

i think you would like my friends. the one, namjoon, is super smart and philosophical and stuff, so you reminded me of him when you went on your little spiel. the other, jin, is super stupid, but like, in the endearing way. he makes a lot of dad jokes.

it’s good you have this taehyung character. i’m not going to ask why you were in a hospital for extended periods of time because it’s not my business, but i understand the struggle. i had a similar experience in high school. i was hospitalized for two months and when i started classes again i had no one. i met namjoon in my senior year and it helped a lot. i can’t tell him that though, his ego is already way too big.

i’m also sorry you had to hang out with old ladies cause ew. but you said your mom is trying to make you into a son she can be proud of? is she not already proud? i don’t even know you and i can already tell you’re way more accomplished than the average person your age.

as for your practice, maybe you shouldn’t beat yourself up over a few mistakes. everyone makes them. if you aim for perfection you’ll only get hurt.

.

yoongi

p.s. that user was literally the least creative thing ever what

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September 12, 2017

Dear Yoongi,

Sorry this reply is coming so late. University finally started and it’s already so overwhelming!

The roommate I originally had requested to move to a different dorm to be with his friend, and I didn’t know that was possible until then. So Taehyung and I put in a request to room together and it got accepted!! I’m so excited to have at least some semblance of normalcy here, because everything else is so different and I miss home.

On orientation day there were a ton of club booths. So far, those have been the most exciting thing. I signed up for a dance club and a social justice club!

The dance club meets four times a week and apparently only practices hip hop. I’ve never done hip hop before, but the leader (I think his name is Hoseok?) assured me that it’s okay because I’m not the only beginner. I’m really excited! I want to look cool like an idol~

The social justice club only meets on Saturday mornings, which is nice. I’m not sure exactly what they do, but they advocate for things like LGBT+, POC, and women’s rights, and that’s why I joined. I don’t know if I’m strange for thinking this, but I really want to be someone who makes a difference in the world. Like if there’s one thing I can do before I die, I want it to be something important, something that impacts society forever. And I guess when I write it it sounds almost egotistical in a way, but it’s not like that. I just want people to be happy. I’m tired of the unnecessary pain and unfairness in the world. You know?

Ah I don’t know why I’m so passionate about things like this. I wonder what it’s like to be mindless, uncaring? I guess they do say ignorance is bliss, haha. I get that. Sometimes I overthink things so much that I lose touch of reality, and become way too stuck in my head.

Sorry for getting so deep so suddenly :O Let me know if you don’t like reading stuff like this. I can refrain if necessary, promise! ^3^

Ohh I didn’t even tell you about my classes! I have a morning Japanese lecture that I really enjoy. The professor’s name is Makata-sensei, isn’t that cool? I used to have a friend with that name. I wonder what she’s up to these days~

I also have several dance classes, which is alright, but they’re very tiring. I have a basic ballet lesson for practice with technique and footwork, and introductory modern and contemporary dance lessons. Worst of all, I have a history of dance lecture, and it’s basically just an hour of listening to the professor read stuff no one cares about and then an essay every week. I can’t believe I paid so much for my own suffering.

You said you’re in university too, right? You’re a junior this year? Wow, so awesome~~! What is your major? What classes do you take? Do you have a dorm or an apartment??

I don’t mean to pry, but I’ve never talked to an upperclassman before and I’m really curious! Plus I want to get to know you some more :)

Oh, and as for your letter: yes, two stars. Hehehe.

Jin and Namjoon sound really cool. Are they also juniors??? Tell them I said hi!!

I’m honestly really surprised that you would enjoy something like camping. You don’t seem like the type. But you seem like you care a lot about your friends, and I’m willing to bet that half of the reason you agree to go is because of them, haha. Am I wrong?

I’m sorry you went through what you did in high school, but I’m glad you found Namjoon. That’s really, really amazing.

Also sorry, I guess I should elaborate more on the mom thing. My relationship with her is a little strained. She wants me to be a lot of things that I can’t be, and I feel like a disappointment for that reason. I am who I am, right? There’s no changing that, so I accept it, but it doesn’t make me feel any less bad about it.

She’s always trying to get me to be happier, too, but I am happy! I don’t need her help. I wish she would just leave me alone sometimes, to be honest.

Wow, I really sound like a stupid, angsty teen. Do you think I should be more grateful? Maybe I’m too harsh towards her? I don’t know.

And lastly, regarding the end of your letter, I aim for perfection in dance because dance is everything. I don’t have a "Plan B" if this doesn’t work out. And that goes for both my career and who I am as a person. I don’t have any other talents, any other interesting attributes. I’m really, really scared of what would happen if I couldn’t dance anymore, because I don’t want to be more of a nobody than I already am.

I’m sorry I’m so pessimistic right now. I guess I’m just stressed with the new lifestyle and all.. Next reply will be much better, I swear :)

.

Yours truly,

Jimin :)

P.S. I hope you’re doing well.

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2017.09.16

jimin,

jeez. you have a lot on your plate for a freshman. how are you going to survive the next four years? you’ve got to get a grip and realize that you’re an adult now. things will never stop being strange and scary, but that’s life. you can’t be weak about it. you can’t be constantly afraid of change. you won’t do well in the world if you stay so childish and naive.

it’s cool that you can room with taehyung, though. namjoon and i did the same thing in our first year. but i think you should find someone else next year, because you’ll need to learn to live without him eventually.

your classes sound like hell. do you not have any gen eds?

i major in music production and composition. i just take a few classes centered around that. i also take japanese as a minor. it’s weird that your professor is named makata because there’s a professor with the same name at my university lol. but if you need any help let me know because i’ve been studying japanese since high school.

your club choices are interesting. i’m slightly ashamed to admit that i never joined a club. i thought i was too cool for them. in reality i was just too lazy.

i understand your desire to leave a legacy in the world, but in a different way. you want to make a difference on a grand scale, while i want to make a difference on a personal level. that’s why i make music. music got me through some of my lowest points, and if i can do that for someone else, it would mean a lot to me. even if it were only one person.

i can tell you overthink a lot even without you saying it. there’s a word i learned from namjoon recently: hamartia. it basically means a fatal flaw, a.k.a something that, despite all one’s efforts to change or improve, will always be the thing to potentially drag them down for good. maybe overthinking is your hamartia? i don’t know what mine is but i’d say it’s something along the lines of cynicalism, probably.

i don’t care if you pry a lot because namjoon said i need to be more open and talking to you seems like an easy start. i don’t really have anything to hide, anyways; i’m not ashamed of my past or present. so, yeah, i’m a junior this year, and i live off campus in an apartment with this rando named jungkook. he’s a freshman this year like you and he’s so annoying, god. i don’t even know why i agreed to let him live with me but apparently he’s really tight with jin or something so i can’t even kick him out. keep me in your prayers, thanks.

you're right that i'm not the camping type and i only go because jin and namjoon would be sad if i didn't. sometimes i wonder why i care so much about those idiots. i’m not telling them you said hi though because then i’d have to explain that i have a penpal at twenty-one years of age. and despite what you said, it is definitely not cool, so.

i guess i lied about not being ashamed of my present because i’m mildly embarrassed about this. but whatever. baby steps.

from what you've told me, i think you should stop being an asshole to your mom. it seems like she cares but just doesn’t know how to go about it. you’re being stubborn by not considering her side of the situation. just because your life isn’t going how you want it to doesn’t mean you need to bring other people down, too.

your problems are valid but they’re not an excuse to be selfish or inconsiderate. i don’t know what’s going on in your life but this is true for all issues. talk to her and tell her how you feel about what she’s doing. maybe she doesn’t even realize that she’s inadvertently hurting you.

and i think you’re more than just your dancing. you’re intelligent, caring, and passionate. you could do a lot of great things in life, probably. you have a lot to learn, sure, but we all do. don’t just minimize yourself to one thing.

and don’t apologize for being pessimistic. it happens to the best of us.

.

yoongi

p.s. i’m doing fine, don’t worry.

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September 19, 2017

Dear Yoongi,

I guess you’re right. I get caught up in my emotions too much. I am, for lack of a better word, a little too soft for the world. No one has ever told me what you have, and I really appreciate it. Everyone in my life is so gentle and protective, like they’re scared I’m going to break or something. But in reality I need the brutal, unfiltered honesty, because then I can become better equipped to handle the harshness of the real world.

I will consider not rooming with Taehyung next year when the time comes. I don’t really feel like I’m dependant on him, so I don’t think it’d be a problem if we continued to be roommates. I guess I’m more.. Scared of being alone? Yeah. I can survive without him, but I don’t want to have to face that reality just yet. Maybe this is part of the me being immature thing, but. I like people. I like having them in my life. That’s not so bad, is it?

I don’t have any gen eds because I tested out of all of them in the entrance exam. I’m basically on an accelerated course plan. It’s a little intimidating because I’m the only freshman in my ballet class, but my club leader, Hoseok, is also in it, so it’s not so bad. And I like the challenge!

Music production is so cool!! Do you have a Soundcloud or something? Can you send a link to some of your work?? Pleeeasseeee :)

I’m so glad you said you could help me with Japanese because Holy Hiragana this class is difficult. I don’t have any specific questions right now but I probably will soon. And it’s funny you also had a professor named Makata; I guess it’s a common name!!

It’s not too late to join a club you know! Maybe you would really enjoy one. You should check them out!

I admire your goals with your music. It seems like music has helped you in the same way dance has helped me, and I think that’s really cool. I’m sure you’ll go really far one day. How do you know you haven’t already helped someone with your work? I have a feeling you have!

What are you trying to tell me with the hamartia thing? That I’m never going to overcome my habit of overthinking? Thanks. You might be right. Am I supposed to find solace in that fact? If anything, it kind of stresses me out more? Sorry if I’m missing the point, but..

And ohh there’s a guy named Jungkook in my dance club! That’s the second name coincidence, can you believe it? He’s not annoying though. I really like him! I’m sorry you got stuck with a bad Jungkook :(

Stop saying penpals aren’t cool. If you say that then you’re admitting that, by extension, you aren’t cool. And I don’t agree with that hehe~

I heeded your advice and called my mom. I broke down and told her everything I told you and more, and she was surprisingly understanding. She explained her feelings too, and now I feel really guilty for getting so angry in the first place. She really does just love me, and wants what’s best for me. But her idea of what’s best for me is different than my idea of what is, so that’s where the problem was.

I’m so grateful we were able to talk it out and forgive each other. She has supported me through all of my endeavors and has been there for me at my worst times. I know I never explained to you exactly what the problem we disagreed on even was, but you’ve indirectly helped me come more to terms with it than I ever have before. It has to do with the problems I had in middle school, I guess, so it’s been a long time since I’ve had some peace with them. Thank you! :)

.

Yours truly,

Jimin :)

P.S. You give me hope that I am more than just my dance talent.

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2017.09.24

jimin,

okay first of all your letter is so disorganized and it’s bothering me. one line is all optimistic and cute and the next is like existential crisis mode?? are you always this indecisive or does your mood just fluctuate that intensely?

i don’t know shit about people but it seems like you’re trying way too hard to seem okay and overcompensating with stupid emoticons and exclamation points or something. you can be honest with me, i swear. we may not know each other much but i’ve already gotten this invested in your problems. why go back now?

i’m going to answer your letter in order of least to most depressing:

1) i do have a soundcloud. here’s a mixtape i put out: https://soundcloud.com/bangtan/sets/agust-d

don’t judge it ok i’m still an amateur. i want a video of you dancing in return now :)

2) japanese is pretty easy once you get the basics down. have you even mastered hiragana and katakana yet?

3) all jungkooks are bad jungkooks. you can’t convince me otherwise. the one who lives with me (Original Jungkook) woke me up at 4am today because he was doing very loud crunches in the kitchen. like who does that? then he “tripped” and spilled banana milk on my boots. i want to end his life. ugh.

4) you inspired me to join a club. i joined the knitting one lol. i wasn’t going to at first but then i saw a cat in their meeting room and the rest is history. i actually really like knitting though? send me your shirt measurements and i’ll make you a sweater.

5) you’re in an accelerated course?? haha nerd

6) thank you for the boost of confidence in my music even though you’ve never heard it. i don’t have many fans on soundcloud but idk maybe it has made some sort of an impact somewhere. i can dream, i guess.

7) i think people treat you like you’re fragile because you’re sensitive. maybe they’re afraid that you’ll be unable to bounce back from something really harsh, but you’ve already proven than you can given the hospital situation. it seems like you’re more resilient than people give you credit for, and you shouldn’t think that you’re weaker than you are because that won’t do you any good. i am glad that my brutal honesty has helped some, though. i was worried you’d take it the wrong way and just get defensive. you seem mature for your age and i have no doubt that you’ll be alright no matter what life throws at you in the future.

8) i really want to say that everyone in the world is lonely and everyone is sad. you’re not immature for being scared of feeling that way. there comes a time in our lives where we have to accept that fact, and if this year isn’t your time, then so be it. if next year isn’t your time, then that’s okay too. i was only concerned that you were dependant on taehyung, but if you say that that isn’t the case then i’ll trust you.

9) i didn’t mean to make you feel worse with the hamartia analogy. my point was is that, essentially, we all have something that makes us imperfect. and to be imperfect is to be human. while you overthink things, i’m a cynical bastard. and i believe that these aspects of ourselves never go away, just as a fatal flaw never does. but i don’t think they have to inevitably cause our downfalls, because i think we are in charge of whether or not we let these flaws consume us. they exist, they are our biggest weaknesses, we know that. we have the power to control how much we let these flaws interfere with our existence and wellbeing. we can always work towards ignoring them, strengthening other good qualities that cancel them out, so that if we can’t get rid of them, we can at least mute them from our consciousness.

10) thank you for talking to your mom. i’m sure it took a lot of courage, and it was the responsible thing to do. cherish her. i used to have someone like her in my life, but i was similar to you. i was in denial and unempathetic, even selfish a lot of times, and that person left when they could no longer stand the toxicity. i’m still guilty for hurting them when all they were trying to do was help. be better than me, jimin. learn from my mistakes.

.

yoongi

p.s. all i did was tell the truth.

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September 29, 2017

Dear Yoongi,

I’m sorry, my thoughts are normally pretty scrambled because I’ve got so much going on in my head, like, always. I’ll try to be more organized, just for you~

I really am okay, I promise! I was just overwhelmed by school starting, but I’ve fallen into a comfortable routine now and it’s really not that bad. I’m actually enjoying university a lot! I appreciate you being here for me, though. It means so much. It’s always easier to talk to people you barely know than it is to talk to people you know really well, so I’ve been able to get things off my chest that I couldn’t with Tae. It’s helped a lot. Please be honest with me too, so I can help you if need be :)

I listened to your mixtape and. Oh. My. Gosh. You are so talented!! And you rap?? That’s SO cool! I can’t believe I’m friends with a rapper, wow!

What inspired the lyrics? They’re really dark, but I think I resonated with a lot of them. And I hope you’ve overcome the struggles you wrote about, because you’re too awesome to be so sad :(

I’ll write the link to a video of a dance I did for my high school’s senior ceremony. I guess you’ll get to see what I look like, and that’s unfair because I still don’t know what you look like :( Send a picture, pleaseee~!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdOQsDO1gjA

I only know hiragana and some katakana. I took Japanese back in high school but only for a year, so.. I kind of forget everything. Oops! Don’t judge me, Yoongi-senpai.

Maybe you should give Original Jungkook a chance? You lectured me about how I needed to talk to my mom because maybe the problem was just poor communication and misunderstanding and yet you’re not willing to consider Original Jungkook’s side of this story? Tell him how you feel and ask if there is a way you two can compromise, or something. You said he’s a freshman, so he’s probably just young and scared and lonely. Be a friend to him, you meany!!

You joined knitting club!! That’s amazing. And they have a cat? Oh my god. I love cats. They’re the superior species, even better than dogs. I’m glad you’re a cat person because if not then that would’ve changed our whole dynamic, honestly.

Also, my shirt size is XS, I guess? But for sweaters I usually wear medium or large so I can feel cute haha. I feel like a sweater is a little ambitious for a first time knitter.. Maybe you should make a scarf instead? Just a suggestion.

Now we’re onto the more angsty part of the letter :( I’m going to do my best to sum it up here, so we can move onto more happy, fun letters, okay? I really enjoy having deep talks with you and I think we can still do that but I want to try to focus on positivities from now on.

You’re right that I’m sensitive. But I do think I am, at least to some degree, resilient like you said, and that’s not something a lot of people realize. I break down easily, but I build up just as quick. Most times anyways. I guess there’s always the possibility that I won’t be able to pick the pieces of myself back up for once, but I’ll turn that rock over when I get to it, you know?

It is really wise of you to acknowledge that everyone in the world hurts. I never really thought about it that way, but you’re right. We’re all lonely. In the end, the only person we can count on forever is ourselves. We know ourselves best, and we will always have our own body and consciousness even if everyone else leaves. And sometimes, we’re lonely even when we have people in our lives, because it’s hard to share the experiences of the mind on such a level that someone is able to truly grasp the depth and feelings.

I think you got it wrong when you implied that I’m not ready to accept this fact, however. I’m prepared to be lonely. But I’m not prepared to be alone. I enjoy Tae’s presence because we have fun and cuddle and talk together, that’s all :)

I understand what you’re saying about the fatal flaws now. And you make an interesting point. If I can never stop overthinking, then I can at least work towards thinking more positively, or creatively, or something. Overthinking doesn’t have to be all negative. If I can’t change that aspect, though, then I could learn to recognize when overthinking is polluting my judgement and ignore it as best as possible. It’s easier said than done, but.. I think it’s something I can work towards.

I have and will continue to learn from you. I’m sorry you went through what you did, and I think maybe you shouldn’t feel as bad as you do, because while you were in the wrong, the person you’re talking about might have also been by not trying to understand where the toxicity was coming from. I can tell you’re a good person, so if you started treating me poorly all of a sudden I’d know that something was going on in your life to cause it.

There’s this quote I read once, I think it goes like, “A man should not be judged by a single wave when he is a whole ocean,” or something, and I believe it is fitting in this situation. We are not our circumstances, Yoongi. I know you would tell me the same thing, so really try to consider my words, okay?

.

Yours truly,

Jimin :)

P.S. Your voice is really hot.

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2017.10.03

jimin,

i’ll trust that you’re okay for now but. you can talk to me anytime, yeah? yeah.

i’m not that talented.. i love rapping but it’s more of a hobby, really.. thanks for the listen.

the lyrics were inspired by the things i went through in high school. the person who left because i was toxic, the hospital, all that. anxiety and loneliness. loss and pain. the fun stuff.

wow jiminie. your dancing is very mesmerizing. i don’t know anything about dance, but i feel inspired just watching you. you portray a lot of emotions in your moves, and it reminds me of music. music of the body. is that lame to say? it’s like you’re telling a story with just your expressions and movements, in the same way i try to tell a story with my lyrics and beats, so.

i'm not sending you a pic of me though because i'm ugly ok. it's not gonna happen.

and don’t ever call me yoongi-senpai again, oh god. if anything i’m your oppa lmao.

after reading your letter i decided to talk to original jungkook and first of all it was very out of character for me so i hope you’re happy. second of all, he started crying on me so i hope you choke. but we ended up coming to some sort of an agreement, or something. he promised to be less annoying and i promised to do more things with him.

we watched some movies together and actually have really similar taste. he’s not as bad as i originally thought, i guess. now if only he'd stop wearing his goddamn timbs.

i’m glad you are also a cat enthusiast. solid choice. my friends like to joke that i’m a crazy cat lady or they call me atrocious things like “lil meow meow” but they just don’t understand that cats are truly better than every other mammal in existence.

i tried to make a sweater and it ended up looking like the lovechild of a badly deformed sock and a thrice regurgitated hairball so i guess my future career in fashion is cancelled. i started on a scarf for you and it’s going a lot better but i hope you don’t mind blood stains because i keep stabbing myself with these goddamn sticks. the things i do for you, honestly.

i understand your desire to move on from the sad topics so i’m just going to say that you’re a lot smarter than i am and clearly have a lot of depth on these issues now, even if you didn’t at first. it seems like you’re well on your way to figuring things out, so i’m happy for you.

and i’ll consider what you said at the end about how i feel guilty about what happened with that person in my life but it’s also not a problem i’m choosing to deal with right now. maybe next month lol.

.

yoongi

p.s. no it’s not.

Chapter Text

October 13, 2017

Dear Hyungieee~

It is currently three (3) in the morning and I am DRUNK AS HECK! WoW I’m such a college boy~~~

I’m so sorry I dind’t reply more quickly sooner. I was really busy with school and stuff :(:( But then today (or like, yesterday? (It’s technically the 14th now but whatever)) is my birthday and Taehyungie convinced me to go to a party that Hobi hyung was throwing, and, yes. Here we are! I am sitting on a balcony writing this and the breeze feels so nice~

But when I look at the expanse of city lights from this spot I feel so insinquensctiol inconsincentiol inconsequential. Like, wow, we really are just a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things right?

Honestly, speaking of dust, once in a while I feel sorry towards dust. Their existence wasn’t a mistake but they’re constantly thrown around and swept away as if they were :(

Even when we breathe, dust is unwanted and troublesome. The fate of these dusts is quite sad. Like there isn’t really a single person who sees dust as something to cherish.

But if the dust were able, would they all come together in one place and create a city of dust? A republic of dust? And the world that had these dusts.. Would if become clean and pleasant? I don’t know.

Besides the real dust, there is still so much dust floating around between people.
Maybe.. Like, maybe we’re all just a huge pile of dust too? Maybe we live in a republic of dust? If so, then it would mean that a single speck of dust which was once considered troublesome to an otherwise clean world, becomes valuable and accepted when part of the whole. And so then when I look at the city and realize that I am just a single speck of dust, everyone else is, too, but we’re single specks of dust.. together?

Sometimes I think to myself that my existence couldn’t possibly have meaning. Like, in the end, my life will be insignificant in the so called "grand scheme of things". In the extensive timeline of the earth. But then, like, everyone else is insignificant by themselves, too. It’s the combination of a bunch of insignificant beings that results in the significance we know as life. In the same way that a republic of dust is probably powerful and full of worth, but only exists because of the congregation of all of the troublesome dusts.

Hahah what am I even saying? Does this make sense? Probably not.

Anyways~ Do you want to know how the last two weeks went?

Class has been okay. Lots of work, but that was to be expected. Dancing has been kind of stressful though! And by kind of, I mean a lot, haaaaaah.

The dance instructor for my ballet class is the most critical instructor I’ve ever had. I guess it’s a good thing, because I need the constructive criticism, but I’m just? Not used to it.

Especially the extra stuff he throws at us. Like he said that most of us new students need to work on our appearance. That, and I quote, “no one wants to see a whale twirling around on stage,” and something about dance being an art of the whole body and mind or something. I don’t even know. He said he can tell we lack control and that if we ever hope to make it as professionals we need to get a grip, basically.

And at first I thought he was being too harsh, but the older students agree with him. They’re very serious about dance; it’s pretty much their whole lives. I want that, too. I need to be like them if I want to make a career out of this.

There is this junior girl in my class, Sungwoo, and she gave me diet and workout tips. I told her that I’m kind of scared to diet, because I honestly don’t have a great history with dieting, and she told me to just “purge” everything if I don’t want to eat less. I didn’t know what that meant til I googled it, and wow. Can you believe people, like, actually throw up everything they eat?

Ah and maybe I’m really stupid but a few hours ago I tried it because I ate a looot after drinking. It was painful and gross and I don’t even think I did it properly because barely anything came up? Bleh.

I feel like I should say sorry?? I don’t know.. It’s not that bad if I don’t do it often, right? I won’t let it become a habit at least. Instead I’ll get better at eating healthier and working out more!

And ahh I somehow forgot to reply to your letter during all of this~ It’s now almost six in the morning. Why is it taking me so long to write? I hate being drunk. I waited til I was at least a little bit sobered up to make this but ah it’s still quilt difficult haha.

Okay so, I’m reading your letter now and..

YOU SHOULD BE A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!! You said it’s only a hobby? A HOBBY? YOU’RE SO TALENTED PLEASE.

And your lyrics are amazing. I admire you for pouring your emotions into them and sharing them!! Wow~

Thank you for complimenting my dance! Ahh. Dancing is kind of like my coping mechanism in life, so that’s why it’s so emotional. It’s a great outlet, really.

I DOUBT YOU’RE UGLY BUT I GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW :((

I’m glad you talked to Jungkook. Thank you! He sounds really cool. What movies do you watch together?

Yess, cats are THE best! But I’m sorry, it’s really funny that you get called Lil Meow Meow. Hahah I think I’m going to refer to you as only that from now on.

I will appreciate any deformed lump of knitted fabric you send me, don’t worry! Blood and all ^3^

You are the king of procrastination. Putting off existential crises? Legend!! But next month we are seriously addressing that situation, okay? You helped me so now I will help you >:(

Ohh buddy oh boy the sun has already risen and I have class in a few hours. Wish me luck! I probably won’t remember half of what I wrote by time you reply so please be specific okay!!

Love,

Jiminieee :) :) <3

P.S. All I did was tell the truth >:)

Chapter Text

hello lovely people!!

sorry that this isn't a chapter update sdkldfsk but i promise one is coming soon!

i just wanted to announce that i decided to write what happens outside of the letters, as well. you don't have to read the extended version to understand any of the letters by themselves or anything, but i know some people prefer more traditional writing so i wanted to make that an option too

although, i'm going to be honest, i reread what i wrote a million times and it's not stellar, which is quite depressing because i know i can do much better. fortunately, i feel like over time i'll be able to improve and get back to a level that even i can be proud of again. i used to love writing, and i used to believe it was one of the few things i was actually good at, but then i had a lot of hardships in life that made it difficult to enjoy anything or have the will to do anything. this is the first thing i've attempted to write in years aside from school work (i'm going into senior year and the last time i wrote a story or fanfic was in middle school fml) so yeah. it's going to be rocky, ahah.

that's why i truly appreciate all of your support so so much! i know this fanfic seems like such a small, insignificant thing, but it's the biggest step in the right direction that i've taken in far too long. thank you for reading and commenting :)

here's the extended version: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15232692/chapters/35330175

and since i've got a lot of inquiries,, if anyone wants to talk or be friends, here is my contact info:
insta: provalonely (follow at your own risk though, it's a vent acc)
twitter: madllght
email: lyntucke@gmail.com
feel free to message me at anytime, whether it be just to talk or to vent or etc.! :)