she killed it with kisses
Lucy Quinn Fabray remembers when she fell in love with Sam Evans. The exact moment, the exact second her heart chose to betray her (Because fucking up two boys over wasn't enough of a sign to tell her to stop. Just stop).
It was in the choir room; it was that stupid duet, that stupid love song.
She remembers it well – a little too well if you asked her – the moment they strum that guitar together and sang and felt sixteen (hold on to sixteen). It felt so ... God ... It was so pure, so untainted, so unlike her. Very much unlike her. Because Quinn is Quinn and Sam is … well, she didn't know him that well. But she knew she couldn't ruin him.
Quinn remembered how … (what was the right word?)
There was just this ball on anxiety that she felt in her chest after the song ended, after she pulled her hand away from Sam's soft, warm hands. It was …
Pathetic – That's how she looked, that's how she felt.
How pathetic it all felt because she knew herself, okay? She knew how vulnerable being in love made her feel, having a heart on her sleeve, what a weakness. After everything that's happened to her, everything she's done, why would Sam want her? It must be because of something lame and superficial. Maybe it was because she was pretty? Maybe it was because she was head cheerleader and that instantly meant that she was Queen Bee?
But she's more than that, and she knew it and Glee Club knew it, but did Sam?
"Hi." He greets.
"Hi," She greets back with a coy smile. Not a smirk or a sneer, an actual smile. It wasn't fake like everything else in her life and her smile reached up to her hazel eyes.
"Bye," He says, still grinning, still smiling back at her.
"Bye," She echoes back.
It was such a brief moment in the halls, so innocent but it left Quinn's heart fluttering wildly in her chest as their shoulders brushed and his blue eyes never left her form until she turned the corner. And Quinn hated it. Hated how her chest tightened and how her stomach fell to her toes.
Quinn convinces herself that she's not love struck or any of that nonsense. Not … happy? (Was that the right word?) Yeah, not happy.
But that was a lie because, she was. She was. Quinn was so happy, on cloud nine, that she almost found herself skipping down the hall on the way to class but then caught herself. Not even a second later, she scolds herself for feeling how she did and almost walking down the hall that way (but better that then down an aisle where there's no turning back).
Quinn remembered the way Sam looked at her when he sang his heart out like nobody was watching (except her) with his impossibly blonde Bieber hair and kind blue eyes and dopey smile playing on his big lips.
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend," He had sang but he was wrong. So so so wrong. She's not even his friend, she's just using him because Coach Sylvester is a mythic bitch that has power and ruled over the Cheerios with an iron fist.
Quinn is the last thing Sam wants, much less needs, in his life. She's not his … She's just –
Then why did she find herself smiling so damn hard as if nobody was watching her too?
She's his worst enemy, he just doesn't know it yet (and neither did she).
"Kiss him," Sam says – no, hisses – with an unfamiliar rage in his blue eyes.
"What?" Quinn says though it's not really a question. She says this one word with a scoff and pretends to not roll her eyes. It was an act, all an act to look big and tough and unaffected. Though, deep down she wanted to turn and run away.
(She thinks he might have noticed this but pretended not to)
"You heard what I said," Sam answers, glaring between her and Finn.
"This is stupid." God, why did she cheat on him again?
"Kiss him and I won't talk about this again." Sam reasons and she can see how badly he wants to take her hand and pull her away from this mess, run away together and pretend this never happened.
(Though, he's the one causing all this commotion)
"Just – Just do it, okay?" Sam begs. "I want you to prove to me that there's nothing between you two."
Quinn stays silent, holding her sharp tongue, resisting the urge to fiddle with the promise ring still on her finger. She stares at Finn and Finn stares back at her.
"Fine," She finally grounds.
They kiss and when Sam asks "Well? How did it feel?", Finn says something that stops Quinn from thinking, "Like fireworks."
And just like that, another one of her relationships ends.
Looking back –
Though it wasn't something Quinn wished, she could count all her past relationships with one hand – Finn Hudson, Noah Puckerman, Joe Hart, Sam –
Oh God, Sam.
She must have ruined him. That was the only explanation behind it. She. ruined. him. She turned him into some manwhore. She broke his heart (along with her) then forced him to surrender and kneel and date the other girls; Santana and Brittany, Rachel and Mercedes. He kissed Tina that one time too. But, Quinn thinks, it made sense. It made so much sense.
What else would anyone expect from the girl who was called slutty-spread-em Fabray in high school?
"I don't understand – I just – I don't get you, Quinn! What do you want from me?"
In response to this, Quinn stomps her foot. She acts like some ... some spoiled brat and that's not her. Not like her at all. She's had her bad days – the bullying and the cheating and the lies, the baby and the sabotage, smoking cigarettes and that God awful tattoo – along with her rare good days but she's not spoiled. She's not. She's nasty with her tongue and she cares too much about what other people think of her and she's scared of getting fat again after Beth and – and …
"Sam Evans," She says his name like she owns it. "You listen here, and you listen good because I won't be repeating this again," Ever again "You are the one good thing in my life. The one good, pure thing. You are the only thing that I haven't corrupted and if you leave me then I'll – I'll ..." Her shoulders shake and she sniffs. He thinks she might actually be crying. "If you go, if you leave, then I'll be as bad as everyone says I am. That I can't hold down anything good in my life, that I push everything away." She rubs her sleeve across her face and leaves angry red marks from the pressure she's applied.
"Wha –" He gaps. "Quinn, I –"
"I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you want me to say? Is that what you want to hear? I'm sorry, Sam. I really am so don't you dare – don't you –!" She chooses her words carefully. "Don't go. Don't leave me, please."
But, of course, nothing is ever calm in Quinn's life. It's always hectic and chaotic and she will forever be forced to stand in the eye of a hurricane.
"I never signed up for this!" Quinn yells and hopes he doesn't yell back but that's a laughable thing.
"Sure you did!" Sam shouts, angry. So so so angry. This isn't the first time she's seen him furious but she wishes this is the last time. But, ha, who is she to pray for hope and ask for wishes? "Sure you fucking did!"
Despite all this, Quinn refuses to lose. She refuses to admit all these faults because she can't be all that bad. She believes she's not. She's smart, brilliant in fact. It made sense, how else could she explain all those years ago of her maintained grades (while pregnant) and her acceptance letter into Yale? She was more than just a pretty face! She had a brain, she had an education (at least she did until then lost it all, her mind and her degree).
She thought losing the baby and her parents' divorce and the accident that left her momentarily in a wheelchair was bad but this was just the icing on the cake!
Quinn wants oh-so badly to touch him, to feel him near. Even if it meant stabbing her finger against his chest. She argues, bunching her hands into tight fists, "No, I didn't! I never –"
"You played yourself!" He laughs. Actually, laughs.
"You're infuriating!" She says because if she can't win this argument with facts then she may as well win it with big words, what else can she do with her failed knowledge that never took her out of Lima, Ohio?
"Infuriating? Me? Really?!" Sam says angrily, but there's a grin on his face, a look that mirrored the expression of his favourite comic book villain, the one he always talks so much about.
Quinn knows what that look means, Sam has something up his sleeve, something hurtful, something he will definitely regret but she's not going to stop him. No. Because she thinks – she thinks she deserves this.
Sam yells, baring his teeth and looking at her like a mad maniac. "You signed yourself up the minute you accepted that promise ring I gave you! Do you remember that?! Do you remember how you promised how you'd always be faithful to me and I to you?!"
And although she expected it, it still strikes her heart and hurts.
"Do you remember?! Because I sure haven't forgotten!"
"Answer the question, Quinn!"
Quinn flutters her hazel eyes angrily in response as if she can't believe what she's seeing. She feels her jaw click but she refuses to frown. She can't. Can't. Because she's not more than what she thinks she is. Because why waste such a lovely face with such a hideous expression?