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Bird Pond [a parody play of Swan Lake]

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Bird Pond






Swans 1-3;




Act One

Someplace outside the prince’s castle.

Prince Siegfried: aye yo, it’s my birthday *starts spazzing out with his friend on stage*


Benno: yee i know bro! *spazzes out with him* + them both doing some bro dance of some sort


[three strong ladies carry out a man, the prince and benno are both happy to see him]


Prince Siegfried: look look bro, its ma teacher!


Teacher: wuddup wuddup, Prince Siegfried, my man! Happy Birthday you potato prince! *The Three Strong ladies drop him down and leave to stand behind him*


Prince Siegfried: aww, thanks boo


Benno: oh shoot man, look *Benno points to the left side of the stage were a woman dressed in fake birds and taxidermied animals enters slowly as Swan Lake Op.20 plays loudly from a short man holding a boom box*


Queen/Mother: Why hello boyz *dramatically lays on floor in front of Teacher*


Prince Siegfried: Hullo mummy

Benno: frantically waving *frantically waves from behind Prince Siegfried*


Teacher: *awkwardly waving as well*


Queen/Mother: *starts sliding around the floor* well well well, isn't it my only son that i care about… happy birthday sig-fried *starts to now spin on the floor, crushing a lot of the taxidermied animals*


Prince Siegfried: Thank you mummy, i am now-


Benno: *Does Jazz Hands Behind Prince Siegfried*


Prince Siegfried: 21!


Queen/Mother: Yes, I am aware stir-fried, since you are 21 it also means you have to marry *pulls one of the Teachers Three Strong Ladies to spin her around in her spot on stage*


(Prince Siegfried and Benno and gasp)


Prince Siegfried: But Mummy!- (Queen cuts him off)


Queen Siegfried: No! FriedFish i will hear no argument from you my son!


(Queen is picked up by The Three Strong Ladies while she pets a fake bird from her dress/hat)


Queen/Mother: Find a girl or boy by the end of this week or i will make you marry Benno’s sister!


(Prince Siegfried and Benno scream)


Prince Siegfried: *clearly upset* Mummy!


(Queen/Mother Exits Stage being cared by one of The Three Strong Ladies)


Prince Siegfried: yo man I really don't wanna marry your sister


(Benno Shrugs)


Benno: nobody wanted her to be born so… *shrugs some more*


(Prince S sighs and lays dramatically on the floor like a child throwing a tantrum in Walmart)


(Benno stares over Prince S)


Benno: I'm gonna go, I have a feeling my sister knows I'm talking about her, I think her unibrow has a 8th sense


(Prince S sighs)


Benno: I'll come back later after I'm done getting beat up


(Benno runs off stage leaving Prince S in the woods.)


Prince Siegfried: I can't believe mummy is gonna let me get married to Benno's sister, I don't even know her name! And I'm pretty sure she's part rat! *stands up and mopes around the stage*


(the short man with the boombox, and anyone else still on stage give him a sad stare, teacher gives him a pat on the back before leaving off stage with everyone else, leaving Prince Siegfried alone on stage)


(Swans fly over head, Prince Siegfried looks up at them. He pulls a packet of red vines. )


Prince Siegfried: I may be doomed to marry Benno’s sister but at least I have these amazing red vines.  *faces into the audience, making eye contact with the audience* Red Vines, the only snack I will pack!


(Swans start to honk)


(Prince Siegfried's face lights up in an idea as he watches the sun set)


Prince Siegfried: Hunting! At night! My best idea yet since turning 21!


(Prince Siegfried throws his red vines into the audience as he runs off stage to go hunting)


Act Two

Scene One

In the Deep Forest near a lake


Prince Siegfried: wowza, I can't believe I got lost In the middle of the dark woods


(Prince Siegfried wonders around stage with his *crossbow or balloon arrow* he looks over to see the lake, he faces the lake as a group of swans land onto the water)


*enter ode, the swan prince, Prince Siegfried watches in amazement as Ode, the swan, transforms into Ode the hot babe*


Prince S: Holy Gazebos… How you do dat?


Ode: gosh, *did not notice Prince S standing there, watching him transform*


Prince S: oof, i’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I’m afraid that i’ve gone and gotten myself turned around, yes that was a gay joke. I am single and not straight.


Ode: *giggles*


Prince S: *swoons*


(Enter Swans 1-3)


Swan One: Oh look, Ode’s got himself an admirer. Maybe this one can break the- *Ode Shushes Her/Him*


Ode: So, what’s brought you out here so far in the woods?


*Ode Pulls Prince S to sit with him on the floor.*


Prince S: Oh well, Its my 21st birthday and my mum said i had to find someone to wed by the end of this week or else i would have to marry my best friends sister. I-i became so frustrated that i just kinda ran out into the woods to y'know- *makes a stabbing hand motion or a shooting hand motion* hunt.


Ode: *nods silently, making a face at the word hunt* what do you hunt then?


Prince S: Oh, stuff like small birds to have taxidermied and applied to my mummy’s dresses, not birds like swans tho, swans are too big, not like i’m calling your bird form fat or anything- I’m just gonna stop now.


(Swans 1-3 giggle at Prince S as Ode tries to shoo them away)


Ode: *awkwardly pats Prince S on the back* It-It’s fine, i really haven't had much company like you before


(Swans 1-3 start squealing)


Ode: You see, I can turn into a swan but only by day, by day i’m cursed to stay a swan and only by night can i return human.


Prince S: Who did dat? i'll have them killed for you babyboy.


Ode: You’re too sweet, but if he dies before the curse is broken then i’ll have to become a swan during the day forever…


Prince S: Well… i guess we’ll just have to make the best of the time that your human! Come on honey, i’m making you watch all 4 seasons of The Great British Baking Show! And we can eat my favorite snack *pulls out another packet of red vines* Red Vines! The only snack i will pack!


Ode: *laughing as he is pulled away and around the forest*


( in the background, Ode and Prince S spend their time watching The Great British Baking Show on Prince S’s phone and snack on some delicious red vines)


Act Two still

Scene Two

(While Ode and Prince S sit and watch the Great British Baking Show on Prince S’s Phone as characters Rothbart and his Son Oodle enter front stage, Swans 1-3 are already on stage left from scene one)


Swan One: i can’t believe someone finally slid into Ode’s DM’s


*Swans 2-3 nod their heads*


Rothbart: Aye, what's happening here


(Swans 1-3 scurry away off stage just as Oodle runs to his father)


Oodle: Daddyyyyyy- (Oodle sounds like Odile from The Barbie Swan Lake Movie)


Rothbart: Wat! Wat do you want Oodle?


Oodle: *points over to where Ode and Prince S have fallen asleep on each other as The Great British Baking Show Blasts from Prince S’s phone* Look look, your gonna end up losing one of your swans Daddy!


Rothbart: I hope to lord Abraham not! Ode! Wake up this instant, *drags Ode off of Prince S*


(Prince S and Ode immediately wake up just as the sun starts to rise)


Prince S: hold up a sec- you must be the maniac who cursed Ode! *pulls out balloon sword*


Ode: No don't kill him! It's already too late anyway.


(Rothbart drops Ode down to the floor and turns to Prince S)


Rothbart: You stay away from my swan! *dabs*


(Swan Lake theme starts to play as Prince S turns to leave but turns back to hold Ode one more time from where he had fallen to the floor)


Prince S: At the end of this week i will hold a ball at my castle, it will start the moment it hits nightfall so you can join. I will explain this stupid curse to my mummy and i will marry made me realize that even after watching all four seasons of The Great British Baking Show that i can learn to love you. *Prince S then turns to run away*


Rothbart: You honestly believe he could love you? *dabs* And break your curse? *whips*


(The Sun rises over the hill of the forest as Ode starts to transform back into a swan)


Rothbart: since I can't seem to keep you out of trouble I guess I'll just have to change your curse *peace sign and other vague gestures* Because you obviously believe *whip* that boy can love you, if he confesses to love you forever then and only then will you be able to stay in your human form *dabs* and it can only be that boy since you believe in him *hair flips*


(Ode starts to cry as Swans 1-3 comfort him until the sun fully rises and all of them are turned back to swans)


Act Two

Scene Three


(Ode along with the rest of the swans leave stage, the scene changes to Rothbarts hobbit home, *please add a cross stitch saying “i hate my gay son, not because he’s gay but because he sucks*)


Oodle: *whines* daddyyyyyyy, i wanna go to the ball *starts to throw a tantrum like a kid at Disney World in the fast pass lane*


Rothbart: Shut it Oodle, I’m trying to figure out a way to keep Ode as a swan! I can’t lose him you yapping noodle! *dabs*


Oodle: I want a prince to throw me a ball and marry meeeeee!


Rothbart: Why on Lord Abrahams green kaboodle do you want a prince?


Oodle: For the insurance money when he diesssssszzz *stomps around on stage*


Rothbart: *rubs at the sides of his head* Why did i give birth to you?


(Oodle throws himself to the floor in despair and whines loudly)


Rothbart: What an idiot…


Oodle: Why does Ode get to go and I can’t? *wonders out loud*


Rothbart: *smiles* Wait a second, you're my idiot! Oodle that's genius!


Oodle: *sits up from the floor* Wat wat? Wat did i do?


Rothbart: You’ll go in Ode’s place, I’ll lock him up near the lake and magic you up so you look like him! The Prince is planning to tell his mother about his undying love to Ode even though he is stuck in the form of a swan! If he thinks your Ode he will confess to you Oodle! *dabs* This is my best idea yet!


(Rothbart runs off stage as Oodle gets up to chase after his father)


Oodle: Daddy! I thought i was your best idea ever!


Oodle: *offstage* Daddyyyyyy!


Act Three

Scene One

(In the prince’s castle, many Princes and Princesses from around the World have come to the ball to maybe get a chance to get a swipe from the Prince’s sweet sweet insurance money. Prince S is sat with his mother as he watches the diverse amount of couples dance. The Queen is clearly drunk and is wearing a dress almost completely made up of fake blue birds.Benno sits on the floor next to the Prince and Teacher is seen flirting with what seems like the wall.)


Queen: so where is this boi you've been talking about~ *is clearly very tipsy*


Prince: *looks around stage, standing on top of his throne to look above the heads of everyone at the party* I can't see him mummy…


(Rothbart and his Son Oodle enter stage. Oodle has been replaced with the actor that plays Ode. “Fake Ode” still talks like Oodle.))


Rothbart: Now Oodle, you need to make sure you don't talk while you woo this prince


Fake Ode/Oodle: But why daddyyyy?


Rothbart: Because *cringes* your voice isn't the same as Ode’s you idiotic poodle!


Prince: (the prince spots Fake Ode/Oodle in the crowd and jumps off his throne to run to him)


(Rothbart quickly leaves the stage, leaving Fake Ode/Oodle and the prince to themselves)


Prince: Wowza, I'm so glad you came! I was starting to think I was hallucinating you or something.


Fake Ode/Oodle: *nods and silently pulls the prince to the dance floor*


(Fake Ode/Oodle and Prince dance/sway around the floor together, The Prince lays his head on Fake Ode/Oodle's chest as the Fake Ode/Oodle holds onto the Princes hips)


Prince: I was wondering, well, I did say when I invited you that I wanted to marry you and my mind still hasn't changed….I-i, I want you to be my husband… if you'll have me, I know this is fast but I can only imagine what my life will be like with you in it every day… no homo


Benno: that's freaking cute bro


Fake Ode/Oodle: *smiles, but a little strangely*


Prince: *squints at Fake Ode/Oodle as if he can see it's not really Ode*


Prince: wait a fracking sec…


(The Prince lets go of Fake Ode/Oodle and backs away.)

(Rothbart swoops in and takes Fake Ode/Oodles spell away and he turns back into Oodle. Everyone on stage gasps)


Rothbart: Oodle! Did he confess his undying love to you yet? I managed to somehow lose Ode


(Ode is then seen running back onto stage running directly into the Prince by accident)


Prince: Ode! Its you!


Ode: Eugene!


Rothbart: You’ve got to be kidding me! *dabs* this freaking sucks!


Prince: *holds onto Ode as Benno throws him his balloon sword or arrow* You’re the guy who cursed Ode and the other swan dudes!


( Rothbart steps back as everyone on stage starts yelling at him random mean things until Benno stands up on top of the Queen’s throne, the Queen herself is passed out drunk on the floor next to her throne.)


Benno: You’re not welcome here evil witch, begone thot!


(everyone on stage agrees with Benno by enthusiastically screaming)


Oodle: Daddy…. It’s clear you aren’t welcome here *sadly looks at Rothbart*


(The Prince lets go of Ode as he chases after Rothbart for a moment only to throw his balloon sword at Rothbart last second before Rothbart leaves stage. Ode walks to Oodle)


Oodle: Your gonna tell him how to break your curse, right? I mean if he noticed i wasn’t you through a whole blanket of magic he must be the one…


Ode: *shrugs* I’d rather him confess his love to me naturally, i can suffer a few more days as a swan. I’ve spent six years with this curse, what’s a few more days compared to that?


(The Prince, Benno, and everyone on stage besides the passed-out-drunk Queen start to stand behind Ode as he talks to Oodle.)


Ode: Oodle, i know you never asked to be Rothbarts kid but as long as you apologise for your actions, i don’t see why you should be punished with your dad.


Oodle: *gets down on one knee* I give my sincerest apologies to the future Kings of our country for all my past actions.


Ode: Oh! Future Kings...I never-


Oodle: *gets up from floor*  From the conversation i had with Prince Seaworld the odds of you becoming King are an interesting statistic i must say…


(The Prince looks clearly embarrassed as everyone on stage starts cheering at him)


Prince: Well, this ball Ode was for me to um, purpose, no homo, but Ode I…


Ode: What?


(Everyone on stage steps away from the couple to give the Prince room as he gets on one knee in front of Ode, Ode gasps in surprise.)


Prince: Ode… When I watched all four seasons of the Great British Baking Show with you in one night, that was magic. When I first saw you transform, that was magic. When I saw you again this evening slash night i felt that same magic tug at my heart. I know not all magic is good… like the curse you have to endure everyday and the way it was used to almost manipulate me but i swear, you are the most beautiful, purest magic i have ever seen. And… I love you even more than Red Vines- (the crowd onstage starts to all tear up)


Ode: More than Red Vines? *starts to tear up* the only snack you will pack?


Prince: I surprisingly love you more than Red Vines, I love you more than spaghetti, and I almost love you more than myself… And i swear on my own crown that i will love you forever, will you be the sugar to my cake for the rest of our lives, i don’t care that you might be a swan forever during the day because you’ll be all mine during the night. What do you say Ode? Will you be one of the next Kings of our country?


Ode: *crying* Yes yes yes yesyesyesyesyesyes oh my abraham yes!


(the crowd starts crying and cheering together as the Prince and Ode hug because we need to keep it PG darn it Jonathan)


Oodle: You two broke the curse!


Prince: What ya mean?


Oodle: the curse was to be broken if you confessed to love Ode forever, that means Ode is 100% human again


(( The Prince and Ode cheer again as the rest of the people cheer too. Everyone on stage starts to clear off as one of the Swans come on stage with a sign that says “The End!!”. The stage changes to a wedding scene and the actors come down the aisle one at a time to bow to the audience. ))

The End