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The Dari-urge

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Scene: an abandoned industrial space converted into a coffee shop. DARIA MORGENDORFFER enters riding a skateboard and bumps awkwardly into the table where the milk and other additives are kept.

DARIA: How do you do, fellow Millennials? As you may have heard, the so-called [finger quotes] "Music Television Network" is bringing back several of its hits from the '90s. And that includes us!

[JODIE LANDON steps out from behind a curtain.]

JODIE: That's right! MTV is rebooting Daria, the show that taught '90s teens messages of detachment and irony, like "books are fun to read".

DARIA: And "attend PTA meetings and voice your valid concerns to your school superintendent".

JODIE: And "find a good college that's right for you".

DARIA and JODIE together: You know, cynicism!

DARIA: Now, you may be concerned that Jane Lane, my [finger quotes again] "amiga", was not included in MTV's announcement.

JODIE: But don't worry! There's a very good reason. Due to budget constraints, MTV won't be hiring all of the characters for its other rebooted cartoon property, and Jane will instead be filling in for—

[Above, there is a great slamming noise, followed by a yelp and the breaking of sugar glass. A woman falls into the coffee shop, catching her stiletto heel in a chair on the way down and overturning a wobbly little two-seater table.]

JANE: Oof. I'd call that a B-plus, wouldn't you?

[DARIA peers over the edge of the upturned table.]

DARIA: Maybe you should practice while wearing clothes that provide a little more ... protection.

JANE: Oh, you've seen me in worse.

DARIA: Not in canon.

JODIE: [very chipper] See you on a streaming service soon!

[Cut to MTV Studios logo. Fin.]