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Say Something

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Say something; I'm giving up on you.
I'd be the one if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would have followed you.
Say something... I'm giving up on you.

10 January 1997

Dear Sherlock,

     I'm writing this because you refuse to answer the phone, and, to be honest, I'm almost afraid of what I might find if I come around to your flat. I've been terrified for months that one day I would walk in the door and find your lifeless body on the floor. I told you time after time that Liam was destroying you... I just never told you how literal that fear was. Even though I may not be as observant as you are, I've seen the marks he left on you, and I've seen how much it hurts you some days just to walk. You may think you're so impenetrable, but always know that I see you.

     I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that you ended us because I said I love you. Sherlock, how did you think this was going to end? If I had one wish, only one thing that I could will into being, it wouldn't be that you would agree to be mine and mine alone, it would be that you would see how utterly worthy of love you truly are. I just don't understand why you let Liam convince you of otherwise, or that it's a form of weakness to want to be wanted. You are stunningly brilliant, breathtakingly beautiful, enigmatically funny and unerringly kind. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

     You were never just a shag (or a 'fuck' as you would say) to me. You never owed me anything, and I never expected anything in return for spending time with you. You told me once you used to believe in 'making love', but don't anymore. If you take only one thing from the short time we had together, please know that every move we made came from the deepest part of my heart, and that to me, there was always a difference between fucking and making love.

     When I really, truly think about how hard it was for me each time you left, never knowing what you might be walking into when you returned home, I realise that my dread and fear and utter sadness must pale in comparison to your own. Please know that it is with a heavy heart that I respect your decision to end things with me, and I hope you will someday think of our time together as a bright spot in the darkness. More than this, I hope you will some day find the light -- if not with me, then with a man who deserves you and all you have to offer.

Yours, always yours,