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Only You Can Feel What You Feel

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High school was filled with so many types of people. The popular crowd, often linked to the Russ kids, the nerds, and the sports kids, among others. Even didn’t feel like he belonged in any of these boxes. Being a russ had never interested him, his long and loose limbs didn’t help him in sports and he wasn’t entirely popular nor a nerd. So, there he was in the middle of it all, with Sonja, his girlfriend. They’d been together for wo years now, she was great, had the same tastes in everything. They fitted together perfectly. His own squad wasn’t complete without Mikael, his very best friend, Elias, Muta, and Adam. They were doing their own thing and weren’t bothering anyone. Managing a YouTube channel for their last year so it would count for their college applications.

Life was pretty good. Except when his friends started babbling about sex. See, Even had no problem with sex or people who loved it. He just didn’t get what the big deal was. He’d been dating Sonja for two years now and they hadn’t even had sex yet, but it wasn’t bothering him much, or at all. It never felt like the right moment and life didn’t suck without it either.

Which is what brought them here. Sonja and Even arrived at the table in their usual coffee shop. The boys were already there, cups in front of them. Elias was gesturing wildly with his hands.

“It’s the best, I’m telling you!” Elias was saying. “You go in the back of the cinema, and while everyone is looking at the screen, explosions and fights, she gives you a head…or you go down on her. Either is good, to be honest, as long as you don’t get caught,” he finished with a smirk.

“No way. There’s no way you did that.” That was Mikael, rolling his eyes.

“Dude, dude! Have you ever tried in in the middle of a party, though?” Adam exclaimed. “Like, everyone is dancing and grinding and you’re in a corner, no one notices anything, I assure you.”

“You guys are useless,” Muta shook his head. “Oh, thank God,” he said when he saw Even and Sonja reaching their table.

“What’s up?” Even asked.

“Quick question, where is the craziest place you guys ever had sex?” Elias smirked at them.

“Easy, we haven’t had sex yet,” Sonja shrugged and walked toward the counter while Even gaped after her.

“Dude,” Adam and Elias exclaimed.

“Shut up,” Even said before walking after his girlfriend. “What the hell?” He hissed in her ear.

“What? It’s the truth. We haven’t had sex, and I don’t know what got you stuck or whatever, but I’d like to have it anytime soon,” Sonja said as she paid for her coffee.

Even was dumbfounded. They hadn’t really talk about it but he assumed it wasn’t a problem. Actually, he hadn’t assumed anything because he hadn’t really thought about it that much. It hadn’t bother him. Shit.

When he sat back down at the table with the boys, Sonja had left and he hadn’t even ordered his coffee.

“What the hell, man?” Adam exclaimed, bringing him back to reality.

“What?” He asked. He saw four pairs of eyes staring back at him.

“You haven’t had sex with Sonja? Sonja who’s been your girlfriend for two years?” Elias asked, incredulous.

“And who’s fucking hot?” Mikael added.

“It’s just that, there was never a right time, and it’s not like there was a need for it you know.”

“What, are you, like, gay or something?” Adam asked.

“Real mature,” Even deadpanned.

“What the fuck, Adam,” Muta said. “He doesn’t have to be gay because he hasn’t had sex with Sonja. Also, asexual people exist,” he added quietly at the end.

“You need to get it on, like yesterday,” Elias said while Adam mumbled, “what the fuck is asexual?” to Mikael, who just shrugged.

“Jesus, can you guys give me a break? I’ll book a room in a hotel of something. Let me fucking breathe,” Even said as he leaned back in his chair.

 

And it was true. He hadn’t really felt the need for it, for sex, to see Sonja naked, at least not any more. She was fucking beautiful, but after a while in their relationship he’d always felt comfortable just kissing, making out, or cuddling. He hadn’t even stopped to think abotu the fact that it wasn’t a ‘normal’ situation, so to speak.

Fuck. This was a mess.

A hotel room. Did he really need it? He felt like he did. Wasn’t that what they did in movies?

Fuck it. He texted Muta. Mikael might be his best friend but Muta was the most reasonable of their group.

 

Should I really book a hotel room for Sonja and me?

You do you, Even, but I think it would be better if you did what made you feel comfortable.

 

Well, not having sex was what made him feel comfortable so far, so.

 

Ugh. Not very helpful.

I can’t tell you what to do, but maybe it’d be best if you and Sonja talked about it?

 

Talk about sex? That sounded like the worst conversation ever but Mutta was probably right.

 

 

It was only a day later when the opportunity presented itself. There was a party two streets away and they were all going to meet up there. Even thought that if he drank enough they could talk about the sex thing with Sonja.

Once in there, the air was heavy. He needed to find his friends and he needed a drink. He found some cans of beer in the kitchen and started to make his way outside when a body crashed into his.

“Wow, easy,” Even said as he grabbed the arms of whoever he crashed into. It turned out to be Sonja. A very drunk Sonja.

“Oh, hey there handsome,” she slurred very close to his face. He could smell vodka on her breath.

“Sonja, how much have you had to drink?”

“One or two…bottles,” she giggled. She looked up at him and pouted. “Why won’t you have sex with me? Are you gay?”

Jesus fucking Christ. Sonja, you need to drink some water.”

“No,” she shouted. “Party pooper, I’ll see who wants to have sex with me,” she said as she walked away and slalomed between the moving bodies around them.

 

Even was still mumbling angrily under his breath when he reached his friends just outside the back door.

“What are you guys doing?” He asked as he saw them talking quietly, and, most shockingly, not drinking.

“Even, oh my God. Adam brought back his cousin’s toad. Apparently when you lick it you became like all sorts of high,” Elias told him.

“What? You’re going to lick a fucking toad?”

“I told them it was ridiculous,” Muta said from where he was sitting.

“Buzzkill. I’m sure it’s going to be amazeballs!” Adam cheered.

“Let me, let me,” Elias chanted as he took the toad in his hands and licked it.

The boys looked at him, mildly disgusted and waiting for a reaction.

“Well?” Mikael asked.

“Nothing. Maybe it takes time?” Elias asked as he scratched his head. “Shit, the toad!”

“Fuck, Elias, it’s my cousin’s, I can’t lose it,” Adam shouted.

“Then search for it, you idiots,” Muta said.

“You could help,” Mikael said from where he was looking for the animal.

“I never agreed to lick a fucking toad so I’m not helping you.”

Even watched them, hesitating between helping them and going back to look for Sonja before she did anything stupid when Elias asking “have you looked next to the singing garden hose?” made him decide that looking for Sonja was the safer, more intelligent decision.

 

Once inside he looked in every room he could find but Sonja was nowhere to be found but he found a lot of couple making out. He tried the last door at the end of the downstairs corridor. As he opened it, a boy and a girl, sitting on the bed, looked up at him.

“Er,” Even started. He then saw that they were preparing a handmade bong. “Sorry,” he said as he went to turn around.

“You could join,” the girl said with a smile.

Even turned back around and looked at them. They looked kind of nice and sober enough. What the hell. He mumbled an “okay” and closed the door to sit in front of them on the bed.

“Are you guys from Bakka? I don’t remember seeing you around.”

“Nope. Nissen,” the girl winked at him. “This one almost transferred to Bakka, though,” she gestured to the boy.

“Oh?”

“Let’s not get too personal right now, Eva. We don’t know him,” the boy said to her. “I’m Isak,” he pointed his thumb at himself, then at the girl. “And the oversharer is Eva.”

“Nice to meet you,” Even smiled at them. “I’m Even.”

“Nice to meet you too Even, now let us corrupt you,” Eva said as she lit the bong and gave it to him.

“Erm, okay, I’ve actually never smoked with this, what do I do?”

“Let me show you,” Isak said as he put his hand on Even’s. “Put your fingers here, the others, there. Good. Now your mouth on here, yeah.” Isak kept telling him what to do and Even was blindly obeying as the skin on his fingers was burning where Isak’s own fingers were. “That’s it,” the boy said as he pulled back and Even breathed out smoke.

“Thanks,” he smiled. “So, what brings you to a Bakka party?”

“Getting tired of the Nissen crowd,” Isak smiled at him as he took back the bong.

“People at Nissen haven’t been really nice to us lately. We thought getting high with strangers would be better,” Eva laughed.

“Even is not a stranger any more, Eva. You can share, now,” Isak said as he exhaled.

“Okay, so see, Isak, here-” Eva started but Isak jumped and put his hand, which wasn’t holding the homemade bong, on her mouth as she laughed.

“Can’t you take a joke for what it is, I swear,” he grumbled.

Even watched them with a smile.

“You guys are cute,” he said. “How long have you been together for?”

“What?” Isak exclaimed at the same time when Eva said “oh my God” and laughed so hard she almost fell out of the bed.

“Shut up,” Isak said.

“You wish you were with me,” Eva told him, her nose in the air in mock snobbery.

“You aren’t together?” Even was confused.

“No, Isak likes dicks, and I like people who are actually into vaginas,” Eva said and Isak grimaced. “It’s not a fucking gnome, Isak, grow up. Anyway. Have you got a significant other, Even?”

“I do. I have a girlfriend, Sonja,” Even said. “We’ve been together for two years.”

“Wow. That’s something. Is she hot?” Eva asked with a smirk.

“Er, yeah,” Even raised his eyebrow and glanced at Isak who was rolling his eyes.

“Eva is not solely into dicks, maybe keep you girlfriend for yourself,” he told Even with a smile.

 

Aboud two hours later, Even found himself lying on his side on the bed facing Isak, who was lying the same way.

“So, what about you?” Isak asked quietly.

“What about me?”

“Eva left to have sex with some random guy. Why aren’t out, having sex with your hot girlfriend?”

“Actually,” Even cleared his throat. “We haven’t had sex, yet.”

He’d said it while staring at the comforter, but he looked up. His cheeks felt slightly warm but Isak’s eyes weren’t mocking, they were still kind.

“Oh? How come?” The boy asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it, you know?” Isak smiled at him, letting him continue. “Until a few days ago, it hadn’t bothered me. It still doesn’t. I don’t feel the need for it. Sonja is one of my best friends and I just like being with her. But apparently that’s not enough for her.”

“You shouldn’t do what you’re not comfortable with, trust me on this.” Isak’s smile was bitter.

“I know, I just feel like it’s expected of me. Of us. Because we’ve been dating for two fucking years and because now, it’s like it’s the only thing Sonja talks to me about,” Even sighed.

Isak looked him in the eyes and shuffled closer, which made Even swallow almost too loudly.

“You know, you could-” Isak started to say, but Even won’t ever know what he was going to say because Sonja chose this moment to barge him making him jump off the bed and away from the boy.

“There you are,” Sonja slurred. Still drunk, then.

“Sonja, we need to get you home,” Even rushed to put his arm around her.

“Who is that?” She asked as she looked behind his shoulder. “Have you told him you don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Fucking hell, that’s it we’re leaving, bye Isak, it was nice meeting you,” Even rushes to say, not even turning around to look at the boy, his cheeks burning. His girlfriend was a mess. He needed to get her back home.

 

 

He heard back from Isak the morning after. He’d just waken up in Sonja’s bed and felt a little sick when he heard his phone vibrate on the bedside table.

 

Good morning, stoner. It’s Isak from the pary.

Hey!

I was wondering if you were up to listen to that new Nas album we talked about? With a little jay on the side?

Sounds chill. When?

This afternoon?

At yours?

Better not, my roommates can be a bit much.

My parents are gone most of the day, we can go to mine.

Deal.

 

“Who are you texting?” Sonja’s voice made him jump a little from where he was sitting on the window sill.

“Just this guy from the party, two days ago.”

“The gay kid?” Sonja asked.

“Yeah,” Even rolled his eyes. “We’re hanging out this afternoon.”

“Are you going to tell him you finally had sex but not really?” Sonja asked, bitterness in her voice.

Even winced, remembering, last night’s events.

*

“Come on, you’re drunk, let’s go to sleep,” Even said, promptly stopping their sloppy make out session.

They had come back from the party about an hour ago and had been making out for about thirty minutes. The weed from earlier was having a weird effect on his body because he somehow was turned on by what they were doing.

“Come on, Even, I can feel that you want it too,” Sonja whispered in his ear, grinding her hips against his.

“Shit,” Even groaned. It felt really good.

*

That’s how Sonja had ended up trying to give him a blowjob. As soon as she had started to kiss her way down his belly and navel, Even had closed his eyes so tight he’d seen starts. When she had taken his briefs off and massaged his length he’d began to imagine someone else, another hand on his crotch. It had become worse when she took him in her mouth and all he saw in his mind were green eyes. He’d pushed her off of him so violently she fell off the bed.

He still felt so bad about it, but she’d told him to shut up and had laid down in her bed, her back turned. He would rather forget all about it, but this wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“I don’t see why I should tell him…that. I just met the guy,” Even mumbled, looking down at his phone.

“Apparently you’re closer to strangers than you’ve ever been to me, I don’t know, you tell me.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“What was yesterday about?” She asked instead of answering.

“I don’t know, look, yesterday, I- I was high and my mind was way too far for what we were doing. I needed to sober up and so did you.”

“I don’t get it. You were hard. Don’t you like blowjob?”

“Oh my God, please stop,” Even looked at the ceiling. Fuck, this conversation was the worst.

“I think you need to go,” Sonja whispered, slipping back into her comforter.

“Sonja…”

“Just go, please.”

 

 

Five hours later, he still had no news from his girlfriend, but he had showered, cleaned his room and was ready to forget about his troubles for a while. When the doorbell rang, he tried to clear out his mind.

“Halla,” Even said as he saw Isak behind the door.

“Halla.” The boy smiled at him.

“Are you ready to listen to some magic?”

“Sure am,” the boy said as he gestured to the joint in his hand.

They sat down on his window sill, one on each side while listening to Nas’s new album, passing the jay.

“So, is that your usual music taste or was that just my influence?” Even asked, smirking.

“I listen to it. You know, when I want to feel tough, and stuff.”

“When do you have to feel tough, though? You seem like you’ve got everything figured out.”

“Do I?” Isak asked, letting out a bitter laugh. “That’s most probably because of the music, because I don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope. Life is shit, man. I didn’t really come out to my friends. Someone else did it for me and, like, threw me out of the closet with a kick in the balls. The whole school knew before I even knew what was happening.”

“Shit. I’m sorry. High school is such a bitch. I can’t wait to be done with that and all the drama.”

“Your girlfriend?” Isak asked as he took the jay in his hand, fingers brushing against Even’s.

“Erm, yeah. Something happened yesterday and she kind of…threw me out.”

“What did you do?”

“She, erm, she started to, you know,” Even gestured down to his crotch. Isak raised his eyebrows in question. “She wanted to give me blowjob and I pushed her off of me. And she fell off the bed,” Even’s words jumbled out.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Sucks,” Isak said. Then snorted. When Even looked at him quizzically, Isak put his tongue against his cheek and his hand in front of his mouth in a lewd gesture. “You know, sucks.”

They both laughed even if the situation wasn’t really funny.

 

 

 

It was only later that evening that Even let himself think back to it that it struck him. Green eyes. Isak had green eyes. His green eyes shining and staring at him when he made the blowjob gesture. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. That wasn’t good, that wasn’t good, at all.

He tried to shake the thoughts out of his head, but he couldn’t think of anything else besides the boy licking his lips before inhaling on the jay this afternoon and the way his eyes would glaze over him.

He could feel his briefs becoming tighter.

Shit.

He looked at his phone for a second and saw no texts from Sonja, his friends or even Isak. He switched the silence mode on and put the phone back down on its screen.

He looked at his ceiling and saw young Leonardo DiCaprio looking back at him in his knight attire.

“Don’t judge me,” Even mumbled and closed his eyes, once again.

For once he would let his mind wander and tell him what he really wants. For once. He couldn’t let other people tell him what to do and who he wanted for the rest of his life.

His mind did wander to green eyes and a particular lip mole, and Even let it. The more it wandered, the more his hand did its own wandering down to his hard-on.

 

 

After, his breath was laboured and his mind a complete actual mess, just like his briefs. He’d just jerked off to Isak. A boy. Not to his girlfriend.

He did love her, but maybe he wasn’t in love with her, after all. He might have been once in the beginning but that had faded and now they were like best friends, only kissing more than actual ones did.

He needed to talk to her as soon as possible. He fired a quick text, telling her exactly that and went to sleep.

 

 

 

The next day, He found himself in frond of Sonja’s front door. She’d agreed they needed to talk and had invited him to come to her house to they could do just that in a comfortable environment. After their talk it would be much less comfortable.

“So,” Sonja started when they were sitting on the sofas in the living room. She hadn’t led them to her bedroom, she knew what was going to happen, what was actually happening.

“So, I thought a lot about us. About who we have been since the beginning. I feel like we started as boyfriend and girlfriend and it felt like it, I was in love with you, but the more time passed and the more we became like best friends. I feel like that’s what we are now,” Even said in a rushed whispered.

Was?” Sonja asked, teary eyes.

“Yes. I- I don’t know how this happened but I think I’m maybe falling for someone else,” Even grimaced.

“Who is she?”

“Er, right. It’s not a she.”

“You’re gay?!” Sonja shouted.

“For fucks sake. No, I’m not gay. I’m just attracted to…everyone.”

“Everyone? What does that even mean?”

“I did some research and it’s called pansexual. I feel like itcould fit. I’m sorry Sonja for putting you through this; I didn’t plan on falling out of love with you and then having my sexual crisis triggered by my attraction to a guy,” Even looked down. He did feel like shit. He looked up when he heard Sonja lightly laugh.

“God, we’re a fucking mess,” she smiled a little bit. It wasn’t much but they were going to be okay. They were going to remain friends after a while, Even knew it.

 

-------- 

 

Even went into the house, following Elias and Mikael. The party was only just starting but the house was already almost to its full capability.

The guys went to the kitchen to grab some beers but Even decided to be sober tonight. He knew that Isak would be here tonight. He’d told him, and it was a Nissen party, after all.

They’d talked and hung out a lot more over the past few months after he and Sonja broke up and Even felt like his crush wasn’t so one sided as he could have thought in the beginning. So, tonight was the night he did something about it.

He had come out to his friends a few weeks ago and they’d been fine with it, and the house was full of strangers so what could he really risk anyway?

“Even!” A shout came from behind him. He turned around and saw it was Eva, the second before she hugged him. “How are you, gorgeous specimen?”

“Fine, what about you?” Even laughed. “Found anyone to hook up with tonight?”

“I may have,” she waggled her eyebrows as she gestured to a blond girl in the back. “Have you?”

“Mmh, maybe,” he smirked.

“Do tell!”

“Later, I need to find the someone in question,” he said as he started to walk away. He still heard Eva shout behind him, “Isak is in my room, downstairs!”

Downstairs. Right. No time like the present.

He opened the door leading to Eva’s bedroom, downstairs and saw Isak lying on her bed.

“Halla,” Even said as he walked to the bed, sitting on it.

“Oh. Halla,” Isak said when he saw him, leaning on his elbows. “What are you doing here?”

“Didn’t you tell me there was a party?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, here I am.”

“It’s a Nissen party, though.”

“So?”

“You’re in Bakka.”

“Yet, here I am in enemy territory.”

“Okay, but why?”

“Because you’re here,” Even said, feeling his cheeks redden slightly.

“Oh.”

“What are you doing down here?”

“I needed a breather,” Isak said, leaning back down.

Even followed suit and lied down next to the boy, leaning on his side. They were doing an encore of the first time they had met when they’d talked for hours.

“Why?” Even asked him, looking deep into those beautiful green eyes.

“My friends. They kept insisting I needed to hook up with someone, and they wouldn’t stop when I told them I didn’t want to. I didn't feel like it and they didn't get it.”

“Only you can feel what you feel,” Even sighed.

“Yeah,” Isak whispered, staring back in Even’s blue eyes.

“Are you-” Even started to say but was cut off short when Isak brought his hand to his cheek, stroking it lightly and gently. “What, what are you doing?” He croaked out.

“Touching you,” Isak whispered back.

Even starred at him the looked down at the boy’s lips and saw him licking them. He licked his own and looked back up, in time to see Isak look at his lips.

“Fuck it,” Even mumbled and leaned into the boys, pressing his lips on Isak’s in a gentle kiss. It lasted for a few seconds but Even felt his whole axis change.

When he drew back, he looked at Isak for a sign. The boy had wide eyes and his mouth was open.

“Are you for real? Is this for real?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, definitely, yeah, if you want it to,” Even said.

“I’ve been waiting for months, shit,” Isak rushed to say and crushed his lips against Even in a hungry kiss.

 

 

Later, legs antangled with each other, they were kissing and cuddling and Even felt happy, so happy. He was tracing the smiling line on Isak’s cheeks as the boy was looking at him with stars in his eyes.

“Will you have sex with me, though?” Isak asked suddenly. Even scoffed.

“What?!”

“Don’t think I forgot why you broke up with your girlfriend.”

“I broke up with her because I realised I was way more attracted to you that I was to her,” Even said, smiling at the memory, now.

“You did?”

“Mhm.”

“Then why the fuck are we doing this only now?” Isak shouted to the ceiling.

They laughed and laughed until their bellies hurt.