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Revenge of the 'Maids

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From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera, Dylan Marvil, Kristen Gregory, Claire Lyons
Subject: PRETTY COMMITTEE BACH BACCHANAL 2K18!!!!!

Hi betches!

So I cannot BELIEVE that Alicia is going to be the first of our old clique to get married!! We are all SO happy for you, girl — I’m honestly kind of shocked, I always had Kristen pegged for the first to wed! But I guess focusing on your career is baller too. I mean, look at you, running Wall Street! I can’t wait for your awesome biopic! Something like The Wolf of Wall Street meets The Big Short maybe? But with a feminist twist? We are clearly all so proud of you.

As your de facto maid of honor, Alicia, I am clearly ready and willing to take on all bach bash planning duties. Granted, my job at the White House keeps me pretty busy these days, but I am nothing if not amazing at multitasking. So let’s do this!

Now — destination suggestions?

A few thoughts, just off the top of my head:

  • Nashville - pros: easy, nobody needs to remember their passport (ahem, Dylan — remember spring break 2011?), total bachelorette party cottage industry. Cons: basic, boring, honestly a little too predictable at this point?
  • Havana - pros: close, soooooo cheap for those of us who have to be concerned about those things (Cuh-laire), we can sing that Camila Cabella song all weekend and maybe make it into a hashtag? Cons: not sure about the visa situations? Of course I could have a friend at State pull some strings, but you know! Also frankly might make us look poor.
  • Glamping in Vail or Vancouver - pros: so on trend right now! So many good Insta caption ideas already! Cons: mosquitos. And speaking just for myself, I don’t really “rough it.” Hahahahahaaaa!
  • Bali - pros: um, hello! So many gorgeous resorts to choose from! Cons: I feel like I’ve been there for like, so many bach parties over the past few years? it’s clearly becoming the new Nashville. Guh ross.
  • Or — hear me out here — Italy. Think about it. The five of us, just like old times, sipping wine in a villa in Tuscany. Honestly, I’m already sold! Let’s think about the options, but this is really my number one.

Anyway — what a thrill! I can’t believe Alicia is getting MARRIED! I guess it’s true - you can make a hoe into a housewife after all.

xoxoxoxox Mass

 

 


 

From: Alicia Rivera
To: Massie Block
BCC: Dylan Marvil, Kristen Gregory
Subject: Importante!

Hey Massie!

First of all, SO touched that you would do so much legwork planning my bach! I cannot wait to have such a good time with everyone. Derrick and I are so hashtag #blessed for your support and we cannot wait to have you at our nups.

That said, I feel like we might go for a smaller bachelorette in Nashville? So basic, I know, but it’s simple and you can just get a company to do all the planning for you. And my cousin Nina has actually called dibs on the MOH role — of course, you’re still my number one best bitch.

BTW, why was Claire on the OG email? We haven’t spoken since high school.

Talk soon!

Leesh

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera

Leesh,

You know how much I love you. And how much I care about you. And the fact is, I don’t get much time off work (because, you know, it’s the White House), so I feel like you’re missing the point of what a great deal of work I’m happy to take on in order to make you happy.

We can certainly do Nashville, but I just think we should consider alternative options. I’ve included the links to several rentals in Italy. Take a look at #3 in particular! I think you’ll really love it.

BTW to your BTW, Claire is on the chain because of course we need someone to take our photos all weekend. Like, hello. Selfie sticks are extremely 2016. She can be our designated photographer! So simple. She’s coming, so don’t even worry about it. You are still my number one ride or die bitch.

xoxoxoxoooo

Mass

 

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Massie Block
Subject: Current State of the Union

In:

  • Custom Vivienne Westwood bridal
  • Sun Tzu
  • Bernedoodles

Out:

  • Convertible gowns
  • Sheryl Sandberg
  • Golden doodles

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera, Dylan Marvil, Kristen Gregory, Claire Lyons
Subject: Dial E for Engagement Party!!!

Hey betches!

Can’t wait to see you all at Leesh and Derrick’s engagement party tonight!! I’m staying at the Ace Hotel in Chelsea, so if anyone wants to crash with me after the cruise, you girls are sooo welcome. Dyl, I know you’re probably going to end up taking an early flight back to LA (production life! So hectic!) but if you get totally schwasted, just remember that you have a couch in my suite.

Bee tee dubs, I took the liberty of putting down my credit card for the bach villa in Tuscany, so I’m going to need each of you to Venmo me $1750 ASAP.  We’ll figure out flights soon!

See you tonight!!!

Massie

 


 

From: Kristen Gregory
To: Massie Block, Alicia Rivera, Dylan Marvil, Claire Lyons
Subject: Re: Dial E for Engagement Party!!!

Hey Mass,

Just wanted to double check that you had that pricing right. I feel like the average nightly rate for a vacation house in Tuscany is around $800? How did it come out to almost nine thousand dollars per person for a four-day stay?

It’s not that I’m having money problems myself, but I think it might be wise to take another look at the listings in the area and reconsider. You never know what everyone else’s financial situation is! I’ve included a few more moderate listings for you to take a look at.

Best,

Kristen Gregory
Securities & Equities Trader
Goldman Sachs

This message (including any attachments) may contain confidential, proprietary, privileged and/or private information. The information is intended to be for the use of the individual or entity designated above. If you are not the intended recipient of this message, please notify the sender immediately, and delete the message and any attachments. Any disclosure, reproduction, distribution or other use of this message or any attachments by an individual or entity other than the intended recipient is prohibited.

 


 

From: Claire Lyons
To: Kristen Gregory, Massie Block, Dylan Marvil, Alicia Rivera

Wow. I have to agree with Kristen, $1750 just for the accommodations is a little steep. When I went to Vietnam earlier this year I think I paid maybe $1500 including airfare, food, sightseeing costs, etc. And that was a longer trip! I love you, Mass, but I think it might be worth it to look into some alternatives before we commit to anything.

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons, Kristen Gregory, Alicia Rivera, Dylan Marvil

Hey betches,

Just to be clear, I already put down my credit card and would be subject to a $6000 cancellation fee if we decided to change our plans. This house is perfect — it actually sleeps twenty and has the most gorgeous pool — so I see nothing wrong with our existing plans.

Claire, if you’re having cash flow problems, just let me know. It wouldn’t be the first time. I know international travel can be difficult on a nonprofit salary, especially with all that law school debt.

Everyone else, please do me the favor of Venmoing me your share by tonight. I would soooo appreciate it and will buy us all a bottle at Cipriani tonight!

Massie

 




From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons

I meant what I said. Don't worry about your share. You can make it up to me later.



From: Claire Lyons
To: Massie Block

Oh, babe, that's sweet. Don't worry about me though. I'm good for it.

 



From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons

It's sweet that you still worry about other people's money. Don't. The girls will all be fine. The PC doesn't slum, and neither do you and I.

 


 

 


From: Alicia Rivera
To: Dylan Marvil, Kristen Gregory
Subject: Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.

Girls, you know me, and I’m basically a saint, so can I just ask… what the fuck was up with Massie last night? She behaved completely inappropriately and I really think it’s because she never got over Derrick. I’m honestly having second thoughts about her involvement in the entire wedding and tbh I kind of just want to set her on fire right now. Please advise. I have to go into work today (PR is so. much. work. you guys — I can’t wait ’til the wedding, so I can quit this stupid gig!) but I need you to talk me down. Or maybe talk me into it? Help! I need my maids. You all are my best girls. 

 



From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons, Kristen Gregory, Alicia Rivera, Dylan Marvil
Subject: BTW betches, 

I think we need to start brainstorming hashtags now that we know our destination. Dylan, any ideas? As our resident social media content guru, I’m going to put this in your court. You know I am suuuuuuch a control freak, so clearly this is a big step forward in my journey of learning to let go and allow others to take obligations off my plate so that I can have a better work-life balance, and it’s really important that we not fuck this up! I’m thinking something that possibly works in the setting and potentially the wine of it all, but that also includes a nod to our long shared history of BFFhood?

A couple ideas for you to riff off —

  • #PrettyCommitteeGetsWifedUp
  • #VinoAndVillas2018
  • #VinoBeforeTheVows
  • #OneLastSyrahForThePrettyCommittee

Of course these are just a few ideas! I’m more of a strategy and operations girl even though (ironically) my job is all about optics, so like, clearly feel free to take and run with these.

xoxoxoxoooooo Mass

 


 

From: Dylan Marvil
To: Alicia Rivera, Kristen Gregory
Subject: Re: Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.

Leesh, I don’t think you should do anything rash. Massie was being SUPES extra last night but that’s just who she is, you know? I just want this to be a space where we uplift other women and don’t bring unnecessary negativity into each other’s lives because when women compete with each other, we all lose. 

Sleep on it, okay? And like tell me about the work stuff. Ever since November it’s been like, so unnecessarily stressful in the office lately. I just like, can't anymore. You’re so lucky you’re going to be able to quit and be a stay at home dog mom! JEALS.

peace love & sunny vibes,
Dylan Marvel
twi: @dylanmarvil
insta: @badgaldylan

 


 

From: Kristen Gregory
To: Dylan Marvil, Alicia Rivera
Subject: Re: Re: Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.

Two things:

  1. I’m sorry your boss got Me Too’d, Dyl. That was rough. If you need my help with anything (finding a new job? Moving back to NYC maybe?) just let me know.
  2. Leesh, I don’t think you should do anything rash. Massie is who she is. We all know this, and we all love her. Let’s just do our best to accept this and move forward with clear eyes.

Talk soon,

Kristen Gregory

[…]

 


 

From: Dylan Marvil
To: Massie Block, Claire Lyons, Kristen Gregory, Alicia Rivera

Re: BTW betches

Mass, these ideas are like sooooo good! Although don’t you think maybe the bach hashtag should have Alicia’s name in it somewhere? I’m thinking something like #OffTheLeesh or #RiveraOnTheRiviera. (Is Tuscany on the Riviera? Must google!) But yours are so good too! I’ll do some free word association and get back to you with a few more ideas. This is going to be such good social media content! I bet we’ll get like, 500 new organic followers apiece just through geotagging!

peace love & sunny vibes
Dylan Marvil
twi: @dylanmarvil
insta: @badgaldylan

 


 

From: Alicia Rivera
To: Kristen Gregory, Dylan Marvil
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.

Point. I am just sooooo stressed about the whole thing. Nina is being a massive pain in the asset management — she does NOT understand the American tradition where only the bride wears white to the wedding? She keeps sending me photos like “My dress maybe?” and they’re ALL white. I’m starting to think she’s doing this on purpose. And I think Derrick found my Pinboard inspo for the bach bash and got sooooo weird about the whole stripper thing? I’m starting to worry he might want to book his bachelor party in Tuscany at the same time, which, ew. Like what an f’ing local move. I’m not into it, sorry girls!

Anyway, we’ll talk soon. Thx for talking me down. I am just SO UP TO ELEVEN with this wedding stress! So many things to pick and forward to the planner! And work is like so crazy! I spent an HOUR helping two dumbass interns put together a step-and-repeat today and literally wanted to put a gun in my mouth. I HATE my job!

xoxoxoxo Leesh

 


 

From: Claire Lyons
To: Massie Block
Subject: Hey babe,


Are we still on for dinner at Bad Saint tonight? I’m slammed at work today but could probably get out early if you can! I know things are a little bit of a shitstorm at the WH today (but when aren’t they? perils of working for a fascist regime I guess!) but let’s try for 9 if possible.

Love you, mean it —

C

 



From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons

I think it’s cute how you think “slammed” at the ACLU is the same thing as being “slammed” at the White House. No shade, no tea. Just like, hahaha! It’s so cute. Maybe when you help get a candidate elected you’ll understand. 

xoxoxoxoxoxo Mass

 


 

 From: Claire Lyons
To: Massie Block

Don’t be a brat.

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons

 

What are you going to do about it, Kuh-laire?

 


 

From: Claire Lyons
To: Massie Block

I can get out your old riding crop if you need an attitude adjustment.

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Claire Lyons

I can probably make 9 work.

xoxoxooooo Mass

 


 

 

From: Massie Block
To: Massie Block
Subject: Current State of the Union

In:

  • Cara and Ashley
  • White denim
  • Glossier mascara

 

Out:

  • Cara and Paris
  • White Stan Smiths
  • Eyelash extensions

 

Sent from my iPhone

 


 

 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera, Claire Lyons, Dylan Marvil, Kristen Gregory
Subject: Official PRETTY COMMITTEE BACH BASH itinerary!!!!


Ciao bella betches!!!

I cannot believe the big week is FINALLY on us! It has been SO much work to pull everything together because, like, the White House has been so crazy this week, but (humblebrag) I have managed to make it work, because I am. that. boss. bitch. 

Just to recap, we will be using the hashtags #OneLastSyrahForThePrettyCommittee and #VinoAndVillas2018 for all of our Insta posts this weekend! Please try to remember, per Dylan’s instructions, to tag each other exhaustively as well — and put all our pics in the group chat first! Nobody wants to see a horrible pic of themselves posted on someone else’s page so please let’s abide by the golden rule and post pics of others as you would have them post them of you. ☺️ 

We’re flying out of JFK tonight and will meet at the Virgin Atlantic terminal two hours prior to wheels up — don’t forget your passport this time Dyl! Like I literally would not be able to deal.

Everyone get ready and we’ll see you all tonight!

xoxoxoxo Mass

 


 

From: Alicia Rivera
To: Massie Block

You’re not still mad about Derrick and the groomsmen coming along and taking up the other 5 rooms in the house, right? I promise I was NOT in favor of this but he’s just. Really insistent.

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera

Um, why would I be mad, sweetie? It’s going to be so fun! All of us back together like in the old days! And joint bach parties are soooo cute. It’s like very feminist of you tbh! 

Granted I would LOVE to get Derrick to Venmo me his and the guys' shares of the villa, but whenever is fine! 

 


 

From: Alicia Rivera
To: Massie Block

Well, it’s just that you always had such a crush on him back when we were kids? And I wanted to make sure there won’t be any weird feelings this weekend. Especially after what happened at my engagement party. That toast was just weird and you weren’t yourself. I want YOU to take care of YOU first and foremost, that’s all.

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera

I really don’t know what you’re suggesting, Leesh. I’m genuinely so happy for you and Derrick. I would never do anything to compromise your happiness this weekend.

 


 

From: Alicia Rivera
To: Massie Block

Omg girl! Given! I was SO not suggesting that you would do ANYTHING. I especially know how hard you’ve worked since you’ve been pulling such long days with all the indictments, and it means so much to me. I love you like, sfm! You’re the sister I never asked for. 

 I just want to make sure that you’re not feeling weird because we always said you would probably be the first one to get married! Like you said back when I first got engaged, focusing on your career is SUCH a boss bitch move. And I’m sure love will come into your life when you least expect it. 

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera

I mean, cuh-learly. I could get engaged whenever I feel like it.

 


 

 

From: Alicia Rivera
To: Massie Block:

Okay? Not the point.

 


 

 

From: Massie Block
To: Alicia Rivera

You are going to have the best weekend ever. I love you. So much. This is going to be the BEST BACH EVER!!!!!

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: Massie Block
Subject: Current State of the Union

 

In:  

  • Surprises
  • The Art of War
  • Oscar de la Renta bridal

 

Out:

  • Joint bach parties
  • Male strippers
  • Vivienne Westwood bridal

 


 

 

From: Kristen Gregory
To: Dylan Marvil
Subject: Um.

What. Just. Happened.

 


 

From: Dylan Marvil
To: Kristen Gregory

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! IS EVERYONE JUST SUDDENLY BEING LESBIANS WITH EACH OTHER NOW?!?!?! WHY AM I NEVER INCLUDED IN THE GOOD TEXT CHAINS

 


 

From: Massie Block
To: {bcc: list-all}
Subject: Guess who’s engaged!

Hi everyone!

I hope everyone had a GORGEOUS Labor Day weekend! I’ve been so busy with work this last year that I haven’t had time to keep you all updated on my thrilling life — I’d invite you to follow me on Insta but my lawyer advised me to shut all my accounts down until this investigation cools down, so email it is! But I wanted you all, as my dearest friends in the world, to be the first to know! (Besides, I’m sure it’ll be on Axios before midweek, so let’s get ahead of the news cycle, right?)

Last weekend, I got engaged to my best friend in the world, Claire Lyons, during a gorgeous girls’ trip to Tuscany! I had honestly planned to wait until next year, until our lives cooled down a little, to pop the big question, but the weekend just got to me — it was such a perfect setting, and to be in Italy, drinking wine and eating wonderful food with some of our oldest and closest friends in the world, it just really made me realize how blessed I am to have the love in my life that I do. So I dropped everything, grabbed a train to Milan to pick out a set of rings, and popped the question that same night, in front of God and everyone we love!

{IMG_584940}

And look at these rings! I mean, ah-mazing, right? Claire, bless her soul, is a do-gooder lawyer on a nonprofit salary, so I knew she’d never splurge on something so gorgeous like this for herself — realistically, I had to be the one to pop the question, because who knows my taste in jewelry better than me?

{IMG_559606}

Anyway, I mean, look at this girl. I cannot WAIT to marry her. I just want to say thanks to Alicia and Derrick for allowing us all to share in your special weekend with you, and we can’t wait for YOUR wedding, either! And we promise not to wear white (as long as you keep those pics of my custom “TEAM BRIDES” shirt from the flight home in the wedding album! I mean, so cute, right? How much fun to have your childhood bestie get engaged at your own bachelorette bash! We are all so lucky to have so much love in our lives. 

Love and good vibes to every single one of you,

Massie Block