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Do Something Monstrous

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He's a monster now. That's how it works, right? To be a monster first he has to do something monstrous.

He's done bad things before. He's lied and cheated and ruined everything. But Farouk made him do those things. Farouk made him tell all those lies and take all those drugs. Farouk made him torture Oliver.

But Farouk didn't make him--

No. No. He didn't-- He wasn't-- It wasn't like that. He loves her. He loves her. He--

She tried to shoot him. Because of Farouk. He tricked her, he took her and he brainwashed her and David had to fix her, he had to take out the bad thoughts that the monster put into her. Just like he took the madness out of her before. That's all he did. He just took out a thing that didn't belong in her head.

But she still--

He just wanted to--

"I'm a good person. I deserve love." David says it aloud, needs to hear it. Affirmations of his self-worth as a human being. He's not a monster. He loves Syd and Syd loves--

"A delusion," DVD sneers from across the room.

"Shut up," David snarls back.

"I told you. We don't need her. We don't need any of them."

David looks at a table lamp and sends it flying into DVD. It crashes into the wall, into nothing, because DVD isn't really there.

David grips at his head. Oh god, he's losing his mind. He's lost his mind. He never had his mind.

"Shit, man." Lenny sits up in her motel bed and rubs her eyes. "Still talking to yourself? I feel that, but can you keep it down? I need my beauty sleep."

David stands up and starts pacing again. He can't rest, can't sit still. His mind might be lost but it's still racing, stuck on overdrive ever since-- Ever since--

How long has it been? Hours? Days? Maybe it's been a year and he forgot. That happens to him. Time is... slippery. Was it five years or six, in Clockworks?

Lenny fumbles for her vapor pipe. She's been high since they left Division 3. No more hexagons or prying eyes always seeing everything, spying and judging. Good riddance. He hated how suffocated that place made him feel, just another institution full of people who hate him and want to--

"You need help," Divad says, shaking his head, sitting on the cheap couch. "You're having a psychotic break."

"You're having a psychotic break," David shoots back. "You are my psychotic break."

"Maybe," Divad shrugs.

"You're the one who told me to run!"

Lenny grumbles and takes another hit of vapor. She holds it out for him but he doesn't want it. The white smoke still spreads across the room, that faint, familiar tang on his tongue, the haze edging at his thoughts. He pushes the smoke away. He needs to think. He can't think.

"They were going to kill us," DVD says, jabbing at him with a finger. "That's all they ever want. To get rid of us. So we're gone."

"Go away," David groans, but they don't. They haven't left him alone since--

"Of course they believed him," DVD continues. "I bet he didn't even need to control them. They couldn't wait for an excuse to lock you up."

Farouk. Farouk has Division 3, he has Syd. "I have to go back, I have to save them."

"You're not the hero, remember?" Divad says. "You're the one who ends the world. Talk about ruining everything."

"They don't want you," DVD says, leaning in. "They've never wanted you."

"That's not true!" David shouts, walking away from them. "None of it's-- I'm not going to end the world!"

There's a thump on the wall from the next room over. "Keep it down!" comes a muffled shout.

"Shit." David curses under his breath, runs his hands through his hair. "Shit."

"Sure you don't want a hit?" Lenny asks, offering the pipe again. "Have you slept, like, ever?"

"I need to think," David tells her, god, he can't think.

"I'm gonna end the world if you don't shut up," Lenny groans. "I get it, you and whoever's in there have a lot to talk about. But fuck, man. You're tweaking. Take a hit."

He doesn't want-- He doesn't want to go back to that. "No, that was-- That was Farouk. The-- the drugs. That's not--"

Lenny takes a drag and blows smoke towards him, then again, again. David sways on his feet.

"That's it," Lenny says, pulling him down onto the other bed. "See? All better. Hey, can't end the world if you're high, right?"

"I'm not a monster," he tells Lenny. An affirmation he needs to believe. "I'm not a monster."

"I know," Lenny says, and those blue eyes, David can almost pretend, he can almost pretend Amy's still here. That she's still alive. He can almost pretend, with the vapor clouding his mind.

"They're gone," he realizes. DVD and Divad. They're gone. He starts laughing and can't stop. That's all his life will ever be: drugs and madness and voices in his head, one or the other or everything at once. He's sick and he's a god and he loves Syd even though she hates him because he--

She should hate him. He hates himself. He's disgusting, he's the used condom stuck to people's shoes. He'd kill himself but he doesn't think they'd let him. They didn't let him before.

He's a monster. The other hims, they're wrong. It's not a delusion that he loves Syd. It's a delusion that he was ever worth her loving him in the first place.

He's not a good person. He doesn't deserve love. He's ugly, he's hated.

"Come on," Lenny says, feeding him the pipe like a bottle, like he's a colicky baby. He takes the hit and lets the white smoke fill him up and take him down.