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My Inner Sporking

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Author's notes (in which said author indulges in one of the biggest filibusters in fanfiction history): Hello. Thank you for choosing to read my story. As you might know I have become a major Zelda fan in the last year. (Why else would you be writing a story for this particular series?) Ever since playing OoT I have grown a fond interest in Link. (Like most other fangirls) I started to notice that after I got really into it, I found that I have a strange gift. A gift to Lucid Dream. I started having dreams about Hyrule, and about Link. (Maybe that was because you were playing it a little too much? Just a thought) In a Lucid Dream, you can control your dreams. (You didn't have to give us the definition!) The dreams became very real, kinda like a second life, and almost every night I would have another. (*plays Inception theme*) Starting from where the last left off. Even to this day I still have them. I find that they help me get through life. ("They helped me realize that my parents needed to die.") I know this may sound queer, but for me the dreams sure help me out. (You just told us that! And why do you need help from them?) I have shared this story with many other people and so far all has liked it. (I think they were just being polite sweetheart. That or just stupid.) Now as you read this it is told from my perspective or first person view. (I know what first person view is already! You're using it!)

You will find that it is very detailed since I remember it all very clearly to this day. (Well you need plenty of detail to keep the readers interested - Oh wait I forgot what happens later on... *facepalms*) The story takes place after OoT. Nothing after that ever happens. No Majora's Mask. No LttP, or even Oracle of Ages and Seasons. (Well at least you won't ruin multiple Zelda games at once...) And there is no love relation between Link and Zelda, Link and Ruto (Actually Link was a bit too young to realize what Ruto was talking about at the time), Link and Malon or Link and Saria. Because of my possibly delusional feelings about Link, (Well that doesn't sound good) the person he gets involved with in this story is myself or is actually my persona. (I believe the proper term is "Mary Sue") A persona is for those of you who need to know, (Oh God not another explanation) a representation of one's personality, or in dictionary terms is (Persona) n. in biology, same as person. (*jaw drops* You-you actually quoted an actual definition?!?) So for all you future readers, (I think they've clicked elsewhere by now) this story is based on Jenna, a char (Huh?) that is a representation of my personality. (Did that really need to be in there? Do you really think the readers are that naive?)

But if you think this might be too queer (I think stupid would've been a better word) then you shouldn't read this. (Okay then! *walks towards door*) THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF STORY FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DISLIKE, OR CANNOT HANDLE SUCH MATERIAL AS THE CONTEXT OF THIS STORY! (WHY ARE WE SHOUTING ALL OF A SUDDEN?) But if you seriously believe you can handle the content of this story, then read on. (The buildup is sooooo amazing guys...) If your squeamish about sex, then you should not read this, since this story is a REAL LEMON (Damn right it is) and there is a lot of that, heavily detailed. (And really bad probably) (Between Link and I that is) (As opposed to you or Link and Ganondorf?) Especially during the bonding ceremony. (Wait what?) There is also some blood content and strong adult language. So if that's too much then you should turn back now. (Well now that the warnings are done, let's-)

Now I have not finished it as of yet. (SON OF A BITCH! She's still going?!?) I have to catch up, since the last dream I had was just after Link and I had the blessing ceremony for our twins. (Our 3rd and 4th kinds) (Uh, spoiler alert much?) Right now there is about 100-150 pgs worth. (Your "author's notes" have taken up two pages in Microsoft Word right now) I'm expecting it to reach at least 300-350 probably even more. (Gotta squeeze out every last tiny detail from your fantasy for us to suffer through. I mean enjoy.) I will try to up date as often as possible. I hope that some of you like this. I do not mind sharing it. (Consequently, people like us don't mind taking potshots at it!) But please understand that this is very PRECIOUS to me, as well as Link. (Wait he's actually there with you? Okay... *waves to Link* O_o) So like I said, if the content of this story sounds, too queer to you, TURN BACK NOW! (It's like she already knows this is going to be garbage and is trying to discourage us from reading) But to all who wish to continue, happy reading. Thanks,

~*~Link's Queen~*~

Rated R for strong adult language, sex, violence and bloody content. (Couldn't you have just put that in the summary bar?) AGAIN AS A FINAL WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS HEAVY SEX, ABULT LANGUAGE AND TALKS ABOUT MY PERSONAL ENCOUNTER WITH LINK. (OMG, you've already told us that! Shut up and let us get this story over with!) THIS STORY IS BASED ON DREAMS, DREAMS ABOUT MY LIFE WITH HIM. IF YOU FIND THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY TO BE OFFENSIVE, QUEER, OR PLAIN OUT OFF THE WALL, THEN DO NOT READ ON!!!!!!! (Is she just trying to get a record of some sorts for wordiest fanfiction ever?) I HAVE GOTTEN WAY TO MANY FLAMES ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY WHEN I HAVE PLACED SEVERAL WARNINGS!!!! (No, those are all saying that they don't like your story!) I WILL NOT ACCECPT ANY MORE FLAMES, RAMBLINGS, CUSSING OR EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT ABOUT THE CHAR JENNA, OR REVIEWS ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY, EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT, VICIOUS ATTACKS AGAINST MY PERSONALITY, OR NON-MATURE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!!! (For all your pleas of maturity, this all caps rant is really immature) ANY REVIEWS SUBMITTED THAT DO NOT FOLLOW THE ABOUVE GUIDELINES, WILL BE DELETED IMMEDIATELY! THESE WARNINGS ARE NOT THERE TO LOOK PRETTY, THE AUTHORS PLACE WARNINGS FOR A REASON!!! IT IS TO TELL YOU WHAT THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS SO THAT IF THE READER FINDS THE CONTENT OF THE STORY OFFENSIVE, THEY WILL NOT READ ON!!!! (Not that it's stopped some out of curiosity. And thanks for telling us something that we'll figure out on our own!) MANY AUTHORS HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT UNWANTED, EXCESSIVE, VIOLENT AND JUST PLAIN NASTY REVIEWS THAT HAVE BEEN SUBMITTED BY READERS ABOUT THEIR STORIES, CAUSING FANFICTION TO GRANT AUTHORS THE ABILITY TO DELETE UNWANTED REVIEWS AND BLACK CERTAIN READERS!! (Are you just referring to your particular situation?) I WILL SAY THIS FOR MYSELF AND FOR ALL AUTHORS ON FANFICTION. NO AUTHOR TWISTS YOUR ARM OR HOLDS YOU AT GUN POINT (I'd be really worried if authors were actually doing that...) OR FORCES YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM TO READ THEIR STORIES!! ALL READERS HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO READ A CERTAIN STORY!!! (And judging from your little filibuster here, they're probably exercising that right as we speak) IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO READ THE WARNINGS AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF IF THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU, AND TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO READ OR NOT!!! AND IT ALSO IS THE READERS RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY ON HOW THEY HANDLE THEMSELVES WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW FOR AN AUTHOR!! (Does anyone else feel like they're being lectured here?) LEAVING A REVIEW THAT IS VIOLENT IN NATURE ONLY MAKES YOU THE READER LOOK BAD, AND IS VERY IMMATURE. (Much like your words right now) IF ALL OF US HERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ADULTS, WELL THEN, LETS CONDUCTIVE OURSELVES LIKE ADULTS AND NOT LIKE LITTLE KIDS! (Getting a little hypocritical here...) I ONLY EXPECT THE VIOLENT LASHING OUT AND VICIOUS ATTACKS TO COME FROM TEENAGERS, NOT ADULTS! (You'd be surprised how immature some adults can be these days) IF YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE ADULTS THAT ARE CONDUCTING YOURSELVES IN THE MANORS I DECRIBED ABOVE, YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE SCARING ME! (Wait until she discovers the magical place known as 4chan...)

IT'S A DAMN SHAME TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO CANNOT HANDLE THEMSELVES IN THE SIMPLEST MANORS THEIR PARENTS HAVE TAUGHT THEM! (Well some parents are too lazy to do that. Also are you done ranting yet?) ALSO LEAVING MALICIOUS REVIEWS IS ALSO A SIGN OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM. IF ALL YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW DO IS ATTACK SOMEONE VICIOUSLY, IT'S A SIGN OF SELFISHNESS AND NO RESPECT FOR ONES-SELF! (I feel like I'm reading someone's angry blog post about how we should all get along online.) I SUGGEST TO ALL READERS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT LEAVING A MALICIOUS REVIEW FOR ME, PLEASE GET A HOBBY AND LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER, BECAUSE YOUR ONLY HURTING YOURSELF, NOT ME! (You could use some anger management classes yourself) ALSO LEAVING A NASTY REVIEW ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID, NOT ME! (Too late for you) I FIND IT VERY RIDICULOUS THAT I HAD TO LEAVE A WARNING THIS LONG, (I know right? This is insane!) BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE VERY IMMATURE READERS THAT HAVE SUBMITTED NASTY CHILDISH REVIEWS! AGAIN, PLEASE READ THE ABOVE CONTEXT BEFORE READING ON!!!! (Kinda hard to miss that) Furthermore, (You STILL have more to say?!?) I have realized that this story needs some heavy grammar corrections, (Certainly a lot better than another infamous fic *cough*MyImmortal*cough*) and that the plot needs some work (Understatement of the century!) Also under the advisement of my friend who had just recently completed two literature classes, has stated the reasons why people had classified Jenna as a "Mary Sue" char and labeled her as "flat". (Bless this friend for realizing how bad this is!) She has come to the conclusion that most people do not know or understand Jenna's history, so she has advised me to burn this and throw it n the ocean to create an origin story to explain about her history before she met Link. That way she will become more rounded and give people a reason to care about her. (No doubt it's going to be impossibly awesome and give us more reason to loathe Jenna even more) It was never my intentions to create Jenna as a "Mary Sue" char or to make her conceited, because I'm not really like that. Jenna is a persona char, one that resembles (AHH! Not the definitions!) my personality while this story is being told from her perspective. This story is not something that I pulled out of my head like my drawings. It came from my dreams. (Which were consequently pulled straight out of her ass) So I understand that revising this story is going to be hard work and will take time. (The first sensible thing to come out of this rant!) Since this story is being told in the exact, or close to exact order it happened in the dreams, changing how fast Link and Jenna marry isn't going to be easy. (Could you make it easier for us to not spoil vital plot points?) Even changing how fast they have sex and revising the Lemon parts also won't be so easy to do. (Knowing that the vast majority of smutty fanfic writers are virgins, yeah it's going to be a bit of an uphill battle) But I'm currently in the process of revising this story, also I have received a college grammar book from my friend and I will be investing in a Beta-Reader. (I hope you're paying them in booze to drown out the memory of editing this) I'm also considering taking to literature classes a JC to help boost my writing skills. (Well good for you) But now I say this, if you people, the reviewers really have the intentions to help me, them please do it positively and like a mature adult. I'm telling you that it is a proven fact that negative motivation NEVER motivates someone to change. (Where did you get that blurb? Your rear?) It never has and it never will. I'm pretty sure your parents have taught you that people only respond to positive motivation and not negative. (except for you know, how people CAN respond to negative motivation!)

I'm not close-minded (you sure are a hell of a motor mouth though) I NEVER have been. I have always been open to other people's thoughts and opinions, its when its done in an inappropriate manner that I turn my nose at it and look away. People have to understand that when you're an adult, you need to conduct yourself like one and learn how to address other people like one. (Then how about you stop being patronizing with us) You cannot just act childish when you come across something that you DO NOT approve of, you're only making yourself look bad and that can affect you later on in life. (*starts playing DS*) Acting childish and ranting and raving is something that I'd expect a little kid would do when he doesn't get his way (*cough*retailcustomers*cough*) When an adult acts childish over stupid things, that's looked down upon, and considered to be unhealthy. (*still playing DS* Come on Paras you can do it...) I have seen far too many reviews left for me where the reviewers are just ranting and raving like little kids over this story because they do not like it. It is only making them look stupid and is very unhealthy. (*still playing DS* Hmm, should I delete Leech Life for Spore?) I fear that these people have some serious emotional problems if they get that upset over a story (*cough*Evangelionfans*cough*) People in control of their emotions and have also obtained some sort of commons sense, NEVER let little things get them all riled up. (*looks up from game* You still talking? *sighs and goes back to game*) It is very sad when one that is supposed to be an adult, cannot handle them like one. I was NEVER angry with the reviewers not liking the story, it's how they handled themselves when leaving me the reviews. Getting riled up, ranting and raving, screaming and spitting nails over this story is what has caused me to get upset, not the fact that they didn't like it. (Weren't you doing just that a couple pages ago?)

Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. (Unless you consider their sides sore from laughing at this as an injury that is) I got one reviewer that said. "Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone." Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. (This poor author doesn't understand figurative language) I want to know how I'm twisting anyone's arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or for and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that (*facepalms* You take things too literally) If you're emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine. I'm sorry if it did, but I have placed several warnings describing the content of this story and if you know what it contains and you do not like this type of material, then why are you reading it? (Morbid curiosity) I do not appreciate getting accused for other people's actions. It is your choice as I also feel like a schoolteacher teaching a bunch of little kids. And I find that this really wasn't necessary and shouldn't have had to come to this, but it is very hard when your reviewers have forgotten how to conduct themselves like adults. (Well I applaud you for how aware you are of this being a lecture, but you lose points for still going on with it!)

If you honestly think that being malicious is a good thing and that you're not wrong in doing so, (YouTube commenters in a nutshell ladies and gentlemen) well then your blinded by your own selfish pride. People with common sense learn how to take responsibility for themselves and are able to admit when their wrong. (*returns to Pokemon game*) I have found that many of the reviewers that have left me malicious reviews honestly believe that its appropriate behavior for an adult. When it really is that they are too self-absorbed in themselves to admit their wrong. Again that results from selfish pride. (*playing DS game* Just a few more levels Paras and you'll evolve!) One to scared to admit in front of others that they just might be wrong. Also, how can any of you hold any right to call Jenna conceited when in reality, your contradicting yourself by being conceited as well? (So constructive criticism equals conceit?) Being conceited is again selfish pride and being self-absorbed. And yes, it is and always will be a fact that most of the reviewers have been conceited and very contradictive. (*still playing DS game* Oh nuts a Raticate...) Please DO NOT leave me a review that only contradicts what you are trying to preach. You should in reality, take your own advice. (*looks up*...Huh?)

Again I find it very ridiculous that this had to be as long as it is, but it is due to the fact that people not conducting themselves appropriately. (There are far more concise and classy ways to have done so. And why are you so shocked by this?) Also if I do receive any more malicious reviews, with screaming, spitting nails or ranting and raving over this story because you do not like it then are to self-absorbed to admit that acting like that is wrong, well then you have proven my point! (That it is YOU who is the self-absorbed one for not taking criticism well!) All of this is very self-explanatory! Now PLEASE DO NOT READ ON if you DO NOT plan on leaving me a review appropriately! (*scrolls down a little farther* It's over? It's over! Hallelujah!)