Don’t Leave the Axe in the Basement
“Hello Darling, what’s this?” Miranda wiped a smudge from Andy’s cheek.
“Oh yeah,” the younger woman said as she kissed her wife’s hand and looked down at her dirty clothes. “I’m cleaning the apartment, I have friends coming to stay for a few days.”
“Why are they not staying in the guest room?”
“Well I don’t really know them that well.”
“Andrea let me get this straight, you have invited your friends to stay with us, but they are staying in the basement?”
“Pretty much, yeah. It’s a nice apartment not just a basement.”
“But why the basement?”
“Well since I don’t really know them too well, I thought that would be best.”
“Well if we don’t like each other we can each go to our own place.”
“Excuse me, did you just say that you have invited friends to stay with us that you don’t know well and may or may not even like once they get here to stay in our basement?”
“I guess,” Andy answered sheepishly.
“Where did you meet them?”
“I’ll pick them up at the train station.”
“Yes, but where did you originally meet them.”
“I’ll pick them up at the train station.”
“Andrea,” Miranda’s voice was a growl, “You are going to the train station to pick up friends that you have never met, bringing them home to stay in our basement in case you don’t like them when they get here.”
“Sounds about right,” Andy said in a low voice.
“How many of them are there?”
“Where did you come across them?”
Andy answered with a mumble that Miranda couldn’t decipher.
“What was that dear?”
“On the internet.”
“Andrea,” Miranda’s voice actually squeaked. “You are saying that you are going to the train station to pick up three people that you have only met on the internet, bringing them home to stay in our basement, which is a good thing to do in case you don’t like them when they get here.”
“So, tell me dear why are three women that you met on line taking a train to New York to stay in our basement even though they don’t know you?”
Andrea hung her head not able to look her wife in the eye. “They kinda liked Cats? Really?and they wanted to meet me. We thought it would be fun.”
“You thought it would be fun to bring three total strangers into our home? In to our basement?”
“Miranda they aren’t strangers, they comment on my work all the time and sometimes we even chat in the same thread.”
“I see well obviously they are your best pals, that you may or may not get along with.” Miranda shook her head and spoke in a raised voice, “How do you know they aren’t axe murderers?”
“Well, that’s why they are invited for while the girls aren’t home.”
“So,” she said slowly, “You are going to the train station to pick up three people that you have only met on the internet. You are bringing them home to stay in our basement, which is a good thing to do in case you don’t like them when they get here. And just in case they are axe murderers you have considerately arranged this event for while the girls are away.”
Andrea nodded slowly, “They aren’t axe murderers Miranda!”
“How do you know?”
“I asked, and Storm said she is absolutely not an axe murderer.”
“Ah, I see. And the others?”
“Well, see, I didn’t ask them yet, but I can.” Andy pulled her phone out of her pocket and began to type on messenger. Miranda put her hand out and told her to stop.
“I have found that most axe murderers like to keep it as a surprise. We can just lock the connecting door and call the police if we hear anyone try to break in.”
“Ok,” Andy sniffled, “Are you mad at me?”
“No dear, please let’s make decisions like this together in the future. Next time we will put them in the timeshare then we can visit more safely.”
“Miranda, we don’t have a time share.”
Miranda pulled out her phone, “Emily buy me a time share in that hotel Donatella likes. That’s all.” She hung up the phone and smiled; “Now we do.”
“You know, you have people fawning over you all the time about your Magazine. I am kinda excited that someone likes what I write.”
“Yes, dear I do believe Cats? Really?is a fine piece of fan fiction.” She gave her love a sweet yet rather condescending kiss. “Speaking of fan fiction, do they know who you are.”
“What do you mean? Of course, they know who I am that’s why they are coming to meet me.”
“I understand that they know who you are, JEHC, but do they know who you are as the model for Amanda?”
“Oh, Oh, yeah, you know I never thought of that. Do you think it will matter?”
“My God, Andrea, really, these are people who are, what’s the word” she paused tapping her finger to her lips, “Oh yes, fangirling over you because you write about the Devil in Prada and her girlfriend. So, what are they going to think when they get here, and they are staying with the actual Devil in Prada and her actual girlfriend?”
“Wow you know that never came up. They asked if I was going to be some kind of crazy stalker, but they never mentioned that I might be me.”
“And you are keeping them in the basement? It will frighten them to death, everybody knows the basement is filled with the bodies of my late assistants.” Miranda sighed, “When are they coming?”
“Right, oh right! I’ve got to change my shirt. Roy will be here any minute to go get them.” Miranda followed her as she rushed upstairs for a new shirt.
“Now,” Miranda used her most outraged voice which meant that Andy had to bend in to catch the low whisper. “They are arriving today, and you are only telling me now?”
“Pretty much,” Andy kissed Miranda quickly on the cheek and ran. She knew her best chance of survival was a fast exit and to comeback with witnesses.
Miranda could hear the chatter of excited women’s voices when Andy and her friends came in. The three newcomers were talking, laughing and looking at Andy with stars in their eyes.
“Hey guys, I’d like you to meet Miranda.”
The women all turned to the older woman, shook hands and then turned right back to fawning over Andy.
Andy was surprised at their non-reaction. “Um yeah, so this is you know the woman I am married to, Miranda.”
Miranda watched bemused and a little amused, no one seemed to want to turn away from Andy to speak to her.
“Roy,” Miranda said with mirth in her voice, “Please take the ladies bags upstairs set them in the hall by the guest rooms.”
Andy looked at her wife, “Upstairs?” she asked.
“Yes Dear, get them settled in their rooms then we can all get to know each other.”
After quickly showing the others their rooms Andy found Miranda in the sitting room. “Why did you move them upstairs? Didn’t you think they might be dangerous?”
I’ve looked in to it darling, Storm is not an axe murderer and Misha is not a stalker, though she does have an abominable diet. Hence, I have Emily checking for appropriate restaurants. I’m a little concerned about Kat as she seems to randomly burst into uncontrollable laughter. But as long as Patricia doesn’t mind…”
“How did you…? what did you…?” Andy’s voice rose in indignation, “You did background checks! I was only gone an hour and you had your spies check out my friends!”
“It seemed the prudent thing to do.” Miranda pulled Andy in to her arms and hugged her. “I guess I was silly to think it necessary, honestly you were just going to the train station to pick up your friends, people that you have only met on the internet. These are people you were bringing home to stay in our basement, which is a good thing to do in case they are axe murderers, or you don’t like them when they get here.” She cocked an eyebrow and waited for the younger woman to respond.
“I guess,” Andy said.
“I did take the precaution of having Emily take away the axe from the garage.”
Andy shook her head and went back to check on her friends.
Miranda looked up when she heard a noise in the door way. “Excuse me, where is the restroom?” Misha asked hesitantly.
Miranda pointed down the hall way, “It’s just there, on the right.”
“Thanks,” the woman said smiling her eyes still alit with fangirl excitement. “Oh, I’m sorry I am bad with names, what was yours?”
Andy heard a noise and came running she gasped at the rare sight and sound of her wife doubled over in laughter.
This is dedicated to my three new friends who I have only met on the internet but they do comment. I am happy that you are coming to Maine and staying in my time share, which is a good thing to do in case we like each other so much we can’t sleep.