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Fear Turned to Hope

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The feeling of silk between his fingertips.

The smell of salt water wafting off the sea breeze.

The sound of rain beating against the sidewalk.

The taste of fresh apple pie.

Looking up to see a rainbow after a storm.

All of it made a sense of calm wash over him.

All of it made him feel like he was home.

All of it made Spencer think of him.

And now it was vanishing before his eyes, flickering in and out of existence as the green line on the screen before him flicked up and down, and Y/N’s chest struggled with each breath.

Spencer should’ve known better than to fall in love with a member of his team. How could this have ever worked out well? How was this supposed to end in anything other than heartbreak? It was seemingly all he’d ever known, and so afraid it was all it was going to be. The doctor’s mouth had been moving, but he barely registered anything, only knowing of Y/N’s condition because Emily happened to be standing nearby at the time.

“He’s going to need you now more than ever,” the doctor spoke softly, searching Spencer’s eyes to try and get him to focus. He couldn’t. All he could see was that machine. “Hearing your voice will help. It’s been proven.”

Of course Spencer knew that, but it didn’t keep him from being afraid that this would be the one time it wouldn’t work. He didn’t even flinch when the doctor touched his arm in a comforting gesture and walked away. “He made it through surgery,” Emily said softly. “Go talk to him. You’re both stronger than you realize.”

Turning from his team, Spencer walked into the room, failing to hold back a sob as his eyes fell on Y/N. His skin was clammy. His eyes though closed, looked sunken. His chest seemed as if it might break with each breath.

He sat at his bedside and slipped his hand into Y/N’s, gently warming him with his overheated touch. “Hi, Y/N. It’s Spencer. I hope you can hear me.”

The beeping of the machines kept echoing through his mind. In reality, it wasn’t all that loud, but it was all Spencer could hear. The sounds were taking over his mind and keeping him from doing the one thing the doctor suggested he do. All he had to do was speak; he’d never been speechless before. But every time he opened his mouth, he started to shake, unable to get anything out.

Closing his eyes, he brought Y/N’s hand up to his head and rested there, breathing in and out in a failed attempt to align Y/N’s breathing with his own. “I want to believe you can hear me, but I’m scared. I’m so afraid you can’t and everything I’m saying and doing is just a moot point.”

Spencer gently raked his fingers down Y/N’s palms. He always liked that when they sat on the couch watching movies together. He said it put him to sleep, but in the best way possible. “I need you to pull through this okay. I need it-I…”

He swallowed hard trying not to dissolve into another fit of tears. With a deep breath, he started again. Now he knew exactly what he wanted to say and he needed to get it out before he couldn’t anymore. “I love you so much. When I see you, I feel like I’m home. For so long, I’ve felt alone - even with all these people around me, I’ve felt alone. Until you. You make me feel like I’m not alone.” Despite his best attempts to curb the tears, he was in full sobbing mode. “I don’t want that feeling to go away…I don’t want you to go away, so if you can hear me, p-please don’t go. Please don’t leave.”

The steady beeping of the machine could be heard beyond the sound of his blood beating through his head. Everything hurt, but not in that sharp pain way - not like being punched, or even shot. It was a dull ache that overtook every thought and feeling in his body. It made sound bleed into the background. Numbed out touch - he could even feel himself grasping onto Y/N tighter than normal. It made his vision blurry and unfocused and the ability to take in anything anyone said nearly impossible.

“I need you to come home to me, so we can live that life we promised each other.” As he thought about the conversations they had, he became calmer. They’d spent countless nights talking about what they wanted out of life, out of each other. So many nights they’d spent promising that no matter how difficult life became, they’d make it through. “We need to stand in front of our team and promise ourselves to each other. We need to go back to that cabin I took you to for our first anniversary, but this time for our honeymoon. We need to adopt three kids - two girls and a boy, right? We have to watch them grow up, and be the cool dads every kid wish they had. When they’re out of the house, we have to sit on the porch of our house together and reminisce about the amazing life we built, okay? I can’t do any of that with anyone else. You’re it, so damn you, Y/N, you will come back to me. Do you hear me?”

Spencer let his head slump down into the bed against Y/N’s hand and after a while of simply massaging it, the tears dried up and fear turned to hope.