November 1st, 2076
[WINSTON] reopened [Overwatch Emergency Channel]
[WINSTON] added [SATYA VASWANI], [JAMISON FAWKES], [HANA SONG] and 8 others.
WINSTON: It’s Overwatch’s 30th anniversary! In light of this, I have decided to reopen our emergency communications channel.
WINSTON: I know we had some issues in the past, but I’m willing to give this another shot.
[TRACER] re-entered [Overwatch Emergency Channel]
TRACER: “emergency channel” oh come on luv its called a chatroom
TRACER: it’s not like we’re an elite crime fighting posse anymore, no need to be spangly
WINSTON: This is most certainly NOT a chatroom.
TRACER: oh it’s a chatroom
[TRACER] changed the chat name to [Overwatch Emergency Channel]
TRACER: that’s slightly better tho ill have to make some adjustments later
[WINSTON] removed administrator status from [TRACER]
WINSTON: Please stop.
TRACER: your a right ole billy no-mates aint cha
TRACER: just having some fun
[MEI] re-entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]
MEI: Oh! The Overwatch Emergency Channel is back!
MEI: This was very useful to me when all my friends were slowly dying over the course of 9 years!
MEI: Thanks for closing the chat on me Winston!
WINSTON: Oh no.
WINSTON: I thought you forgave me.
MEI: Forgiven or not, my friends are still dead!
WINSTON: Dear god.
[HANA SONG] entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]
HANA: start running donkey kong
TRACER: speaking from experience here
TRACER: mei ALWAYS finds you
[HANA SONG] changed their name to [D.VA]
D.VA: i will pray for you winston
WINSTON: Two minutes in and I already regret this chat.
TRACER: it took two minutes?
D.VA: hey @Lucio
D.VA: check it out
[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]
LÚCIO: hello hello hello
D.VA: sup lucio!
WINSTON: This is for emergencies!
D.VA: no it’s not
WINSTON: Why do I bother?
[D.VA] changed the chat name to [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]
LÚCIO: i mean yeah
[WINSTON] left the chat.
LÚCIO: there he goes
D.VA: wait lemme test something
[TORBJÖRN] re-entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]
[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] was removed from the chat by [TORBJÖRN]
[TORBJÖRN] left the chat.
D.VA: knew it ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
LÚCIO: he kicked his daughter out too hahah
D.VA: he has a daughter
D.VA: wait i don’t want to know
[MERCY] re-entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]
[FAREEHA AMARI] entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]
MERCY: How did you already destroy this chat, Lena?
TRACER: it was mostly hana luv
TRACER: it was 100% hana luv
D.VA: mei helped actually
MERCY: Please never use a smiley face again.
D.VA: she’s embracing her role as satan
TRACER: btw why did you two join at the same time
FAREEHA: just a happy coincidence
[FAREEHA AMARI] changed their name to [PHARAH]
TRACER: uh huh
TRACER: wowza, what a ‘happy’ coincidence
PHARAH: i meant to say
PHARAH: it was not intentional
TRACER: i believe you
TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
D.VA: /msg Lúcio >> JOIN IN <<
LÚCIO: /reply >> do i have to? <<
D.VA: >> YES <<
LÚCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
MERCY: Lena, stop trying to ship us.
TRACER: angela, unlock your door
[MERCY] went idle.
[PHARAH] went idle.
>> dios mío reaper <<
>> WHAT IS IT THIS TIME. <<
>> cálmese I swear this is good <<
>> MAKE IT QUICK <<
>> okay okay so overwatch <<
>> has an “emergency” group chat <<
>> AND? <<
>> you have to see it <<
>> oro de comedia <<
>> mira aquí señor edgelord <<
>> … <<
November 2nd, 2076
[TRACER] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
TRACER: good mooooorning
TRACER: @WINSTON @FAREEHA @ANGELA @MCCREE @SATYA @D.VA @JUNKRAT @ROADHOG @GENJI @HANZO @MEI @BASTION @ZENYATTA @REINHARDT @ZARYA @ORISA @LÚCIO
TRACER: i have no idea why tf jack and ana are still in here considering they’re dead
TRACER: but i think i got everyone else
BASTION: (^_^)/ beep boop bweep boop
ZENYATTA: My friend says hello, as do I.
ORISA: Conversation protocol 2 initiated- Greetings, Lena Oxton. How are you?
TRACER: well the chatbots are here
ORISA: I am sorry, that did not compute. Try again?
TRACER: srsly guys
ORISA: Cold shoulder detected. Feeling: sad :(
TRACER: good mooooooooooorning
[WINSTON] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
[LUCIO] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
WINSTON: Good morning, Lena.
[HANZO SHIMADA] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
HANZO: So I just read up a bit.
HANZO: I hate to be blunt but
HANZO: Tf is this.
TRACER: it’s the overwatch chatroom grumpus!
WINSTON: This was the Overwatch Emergency Channel.
WINSTON: I’m very sorry.
[MCCREE] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
MCCREE: howdy pardners
MCCREE: i said howdy
TRACER: somehow i had convinced myself
TRACER: there was absolutely no way you still talked like that
TRACER: i need more coffee
[TRACER] went idle.
[D.VA] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
D.VA: nice going loserboy
D.VA: your cringe was so bad
D.VA: lena actually developed chronic depression
D.VA: go sit in the corner and think about what you did
MCCREE: y’all are pretty feisty for a twelve year old.
D.VA: first of all…
D.VA: you crying?
D.VA: i hear sobs and im in my room
HANZO: HANA SONG
HANZO: MAKE JESSE CRY AGAIN
HANZO: AND I WILL PERSONALLY
HANZO: STOP BUYING YOU
LÚCIO: is this true
LÚCIO: do you watch anime
D.VA: i can explain
LÚCIO: without me?
D.VA: come over tonight
D.VA: we’ll watch evangelion and make fun of mccrees cowboy cosplay
HANZO: Apologize Song.
D.VA: why do you care so much
HANZO: I am a good person.
[GENJI] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
GENJI: nice one brother!
D.VA: im calling this ship HaREE
D.VA: cause it’s also the sound hanzo makes when he gets mad
GENJI: nah it’s McHanzo for sure
D.VA: so handsoap
D.VA: you gonna give jesse a kiss on the forehead
D.VA: tell him ‘it’ll be ok bby’
D.VA: yeah yeah
D.VA: sorry loserboy
GENJI: I tenderly grabbed his hand, and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Jesse,” I said. “I need to unleash my dragon.” The cowboy returned my gaze, dark eyes filled with a loving mirth and with a wry smirk gracing his lush lips. “Let’s not waste time.” Together, they parted the crowd and headed upstairs.
D.VA: what did i just read
D.VA: i feel kinda violated
GENJI: i found that on his computer
GENJI: that was a small excerpt
HANZO: I’m changing my password.
MCCREE: did you really write that about us?
HANZO: It’s not what it looks like.
MCCREE: i love you babe
HANZO: I love you too.
GENJI: much so
[MERCY] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
[PHARAH] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
MERCY: Why did Lena just bolt in and swipe my coffee?
D.VA: scroll up
MERCY: I didn’t need to know all of that, to be honest.
[TRACER] is no longer idle.
TRACER: i am restored
TRACER: damn what did I miss
TRACER: @Hanzo @Mccree ;)
TRACER: so how is he jesse
WINSTON: There are kids here.
D.VA: i am not a child
>> DO IT. <<
>> fine fine <<
[?] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
[??] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
[???] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
??: I never thought I’d see the day
??: Jesse scoring
TRACER: who dis
TRACER: think you gotta da wrong number sir
WINSTON: This is supposed to be a secure channel.
?: Everything can be hacked
???: and everyone.
???: Was that correct, chérie?
WINSTON: This is Talon.
??: I am not your father.
???: Non? Que est-ce?
??: Amélie is dead, Angela.
??: You’ll be with her soon.
GENJI: THAT IS SO EDGY
?: you’re a cyborg ninja with a katana in 2076
?: don’t talk
???: She is right you know.
TRACER: are you the hot french one
WINSTON: She killed Mondatta.
WINSTON: Gérard as well.
WINSTON: She almost killed you.
TRACER: well yeah
TRACER: but she’s still hot
TRACER: i mean damn
???: Oui. I shall slide into your DMs, mon coeur.
??: We didn’t come here to play Tinder, Widowmaker.
WINSTON: Why are you here again?
?: to troll duh
PHARAH: can you guys atleast get real names
PHARAH: we know who you are
[?] changed their name to [SOMBRA]
[??] changed their name to [REAPER]
[???] changed their name to [WIDOWMAKER]
WIDOWMAKER: Ah, Fareeha.
WIDOWMAKER: I killed your mother.
PHARAH: I need a second
MERCY: Come to my office, Fareeha.
[PHARAH] went idle.
TRACER: that was like really forward
MERCY: IM TRYING TO COMFORT A FRIEND
MERCY: ABOUT HER MOTHER’S DEATH
TRACER: let me come in and provide extra emotional support then
[MERCY] went idle.
[D.VA] left the chat.
[MERCY] is no longer idle
[PHARAH] is no longer idle
WIDOWMAKER: Oh merde, but what is this?
PHARAH: is there a mute function?
PHARAH: found it
WIDOWMAKER: Dear Fareeha, it would appear your dead mother is in this chat?
WIDOWMAKER: Anything you’d like to say to her? Or I could just send you to meet her.
WINSTON: About that…
[ANA] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]
ANA: What the fuck did you just fucking say about my daughter, you little bitch?
ANA: I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Egyptian Security Forces, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Talon, and I have over 300 confirmed sleeps.
ANA: I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Overwatch elite unit. You are nothing to me but just another target.
ANA: I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.
ANA: You think you can get away with saying that shit to my daughter over this chat room?
ANA: Think again, fucker.
ANA: As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot.
ANA: The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid.
ANA: I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands.
ANA: Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Lindholm family and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your unreasonably large ass off the face of the planet, you little shit.
ANA: If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit biotic grenades all over you and you will drown in them. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
WIDOWMAKER: . . .
WIDOWMAKER: That is enough for today.
[WIDOWMAKER] left the chat.
PHARAH: I LOVE YOU MOM
PHARAH: WHAT THE FUCK THOUGH
PHARAH: I MEAN SERIOUSLY
PHARAH: I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL
PHARAH: I SAW YOUR PYRE
PHARAH: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH
ANA: internet hug dear?
ANA: ill be back on base in a week or so
PHARAH: internet hug
ANA: oh and angela hun
TRACER: uh oh
MERCY: Yes Ms. Amari?
ANA: use protection
TRACER: Ana you and D.VA are my favs
TRACER: you are the hippest grandma
ANA: thank you lena
REAPER: So uh…
ANA: fuck you reyes
ANA: i always knew you were a piece of shit
ANA: and that you would dump jack
TRACER: IS EVERYONE HERE GAY
TRACER: EXCEPT ANA I GUESS
ANA: oh no
ANA: im bi
TRACER: shiiiit everyone’s technically gay
[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [GAYWATCH]
WINSTON: I’m a monkey.
[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [GAYWATCH + a monkey]
TRACER: doesn’t really roll off the tongue
TRACER: as usual winston fucks everything up
TRACER: so I forgot in light of the very important circumstances
TRACER: @Jack stop lurking
TRACER: everyone knows you’re alive
[JACK MORRISON] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]
JACK: Ana just had to blow everything so she could use her copypasta huh?
[JACK MORRISON] changed their name to [SOLDIER 76]
ANA: jack my son
ANA: sit the fuck down
ANA: i am not the one who “blew everything”
ANA: i am not the one who got into a fight with their boyfriend and caused the collapse of overwatch
ANA: you just love pinning the blame on other people
ANA: and you still want winston to give you back your strike commander title.
ANA: take your title when you take responsibility
REAPER: She has a point.
SOLDIER 76: Reyes?
SOLDIER 76: Why are you in the Overwatch chat?
REAPER: Why not.
SOLDIER 76: I can think of several reasons, actually.
REAPER: Then it’s a good thing no one asked you.
[D.VA] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]
D.VA: oooh I like the new chat name
D.VA: also hi dad. you finally came out.
SOLDIER 76: ???
SOMBRA: hey gabe
SOMBRA: can i call you dad?
REAPER: Absolutely not.
SOMBRA: alright dad
[WIDOWMAKER] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]
WIDOWMAKER: Oui, chérie?
SOMBRA: can i call you mom?
WIDOWMAKER: You will not take non for an answer?
SOMBRA: wasn’t planning on it no
WIDOWMAKER: … I will allow it.
SOMBRA: yay thanks mom
SOMBRA: that means you’re married now
REAPER: Oh. My. God.
WIDOWMAKER: I’m getting a divorce. Apologies, mon amour.
SOMBRA: we’re so dysfunctional
D.VA: you can say that again
SOMBRA: we’re so dysfunctional
SOMBRA: I need counseling
[REINHARDT WILHELM] re-entered [DEPRESSIONWATCH]
REINHARDT: WGAT US GOID NY FAM
MERCY: you need to take off the gauntlets when you type rein
REINHARDT: NO DUH
REINHARDT: SQUIRE! SHINE MY ARMOR!
MERCY: Baguette isn’t in the chat anymore.
REINHARDT: AH YES. MY FAITHFUL SQUIRE BAGUETTE!
REINHARDT: OF COURSE!
REINHARDT: YES LITTLE BUNNY GIRL?
D.VA: first of all turn off caps lock please
D.VA: and is it true torbjorn has a wife
REINHARDT: HE DOES!
D.VA: and children
D.VA: why am I still single
D.VA: even torb found someone
REINHARDT: PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR PERSONALITY IS SHIT AND YOU’RE ALWAYS PUTTING OTHERS DOWN
ANA: I taught you well
ANA: keep this up and the kids will love you
PHARAH: pretty sure no
REINHARDT: IT IS TRUE
REINHARDT: ONE DAY I YELLED AT A CHILD
REINHARDT: “YOU ARE SHIT AND YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU!”
REINHARDT: SHE RAN AWAY SCREAMING WITH JOY
REINHARDT: I WAS ELATED
MERCY: Someone get baguette back in this chat.
WIDOWMAKER: Do not tease me so, chérie.
[WINSTON] added [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] to the chat.
[BRIGITTE] entered [DEPRESSIONWATCH]
BRIGITTE: is reinhardt being stupid again?
REINHARDT: YOU WOUND ME BAGUETTE
D.VA: so this is torbs kid
D.VA: can I ask you an important question
D.VA: how tall are you?
BRIGITTE: I’m 6’3
D.VA: you’re joking
BRIGITTE: I get asked that a lot
D.VA: how is that even genetically possible
TRACER: it’s overwatch luv
D.VA: good point
D.VA: OH GOD I’M GONNA BE FOREVER ALONE
D.VA: EVEN TORBINA IS TALLER THAN ME
REINHARDT: GOOD WORK TORBINA
REINHARDT: YOU MADE HER QUESTIONS HER LIFE CHOICES
ANA: that takes years of training you should be very proud
BRIGITTE: /msg D.VA >> hey I’m sorry for being tall <<
D.VA: /reply >> apology accepted <<
D.VA: >> just don’t do it again <<
BRIGITTE: >> hahah <<
D.VA: >> im serious <<
REINHARDT: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER
REINHARDT: TORBY IS ACTUALLY ONLY TEN INCHES SHORTER THAN YOU
[D.VA] left the chat.
BRIGITTE: nice going big guy