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Very Professional Hero People (An Overwatch Chatfic)

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November 1st, 2076
8:00 P.M.

[WINSTON] reopened [Overwatch Emergency Channel]

[WINSTON] added [SATYA VASWANI], [JAMISON FAWKES], [HANA SONG] and 8 others.

WINSTON: It’s Overwatch’s 30th anniversary! In light of this, I have decided to reopen our emergency communications channel.

WINSTON: I know we had some issues in the past, but I’m willing to give this another shot.

[TRACER] re-entered [Overwatch Emergency Channel]

TRACER: “emergency channel” oh come on luv its called a chatroom

TRACER: it’s not like we’re an elite crime fighting posse anymore, no need to be spangly

WINSTON: This is most certainly NOT a chatroom.

TRACER: oh it’s a chatroom

[TRACER] changed the chat name to [Overwatch Emergency Channel]

TRACER: that’s slightly better tho ill have to make some adjustments later

[WINSTON] removed administrator status from [TRACER]

WINSTON: Please stop.

TRACER: your a right ole billy no-mates aint cha

TRACER: just having some fun

[MEI] re-entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]

MEI: Oh! The Overwatch Emergency Channel is back!

MEI: This was very useful to me when all my friends were slowly dying over the course of 9 years!

MEI: Thanks for closing the chat on me Winston!

WINSTON: Oh no.

WINSTON: I thought you forgave me.

MEI: Forgiven or not, my friends are still dead!

MEI: :)

WINSTON: Dear god.

[HANA SONG] entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]

HANA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

HANA: start running donkey kong

TRACER: speaking from experience here

TRACER: mei ALWAYS finds you

[HANA SONG] changed their name to [D.VA]

D.VA: rip

D.VA: i will pray for you winston

MEI: :)

WINSTON: Two minutes in and I already regret this chat.

TRACER: it took two minutes?

D.VA: slacker

D.VA: hey @Lucio

D.VA: check it out

[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]

LÚCIO: hello hello hello

D.VA: sup lucio!

WINSTON: This is for emergencies!

D.VA: no it’s not

WINSTON: …

D.VA: ………

TRACER: ………….

WINSTON: Why do I bother?

D.VA: exactly!

[D.VA] changed the chat name to [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]

TRACER: perfect

LÚCIO: i mean yeah

[WINSTON] left the chat.

LÚCIO: there he goes

D.VA: wait lemme test something

D.VA: @Torbjörn

[TORBJÖRN] re-entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]

TORBJÖRN:

TORBJÖRN:

TORBJÖRN:

[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] was removed from the chat by [TORBJÖRN]

[TORBJÖRN] left the chat.

D.VA: knew it ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

LÚCIO: he kicked his daughter out too hahah

D.VA: he has a daughter

D.VA: wait i don’t want to know

[MERCY] re-entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]

[FAREEHA AMARI] entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]

MERCY: How did you already destroy this chat, Lena?

TRACER: it was mostly hana luv

MERCY: Lena…

TRACER: it was 100% hana luv

D.VA: mei helped actually

MEI: :)

MERCY: Please never use a smiley face again.

D.VA: she’s embracing her role as satan

TRACER: btw why did you two join at the same time

FAREEHA: just a happy coincidence

[FAREEHA AMARI] changed their name to [PHARAH]

TRACER: uh huh

TRACER: wowza, what a ‘happy’ coincidence

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: i meant to say

PHARAH: it was not intentional

TRACER: i believe you

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: /msg Lúcio >> JOIN IN <<

LÚCIO: /reply >> do i have to? <<

D.VA: >> YES <<

LÚCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MERCY: Lena, stop trying to ship us.

TRACER: angela, unlock your door

MERCY: …

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

TRACER: gotcha

[MERCY] went idle.

[PHARAH] went idle. 


>> dios mío reaper <<

>> WHAT IS IT THIS TIME. <<

>> cálmese I swear this is good <<

>> MAKE IT QUICK <<

>> okay okay so overwatch <<

>> has an “emergency” group chat <<

>> AND? <<

>> you have to see it <<

>> oro de comedia <<

>> mira aquí señor edgelord <<

>> <<


November 2nd, 2076
9:30 A.M.

[TRACER] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

TRACER: good mooooorning

TRACER: @WINSTON @FAREEHA @ANGELA @MCCREE @SATYA @D.VA @JUNKRAT @ROADHOG @GENJI @HANZO @MEI @BASTION @ZENYATTA @REINHARDT @ZARYA @ORISA @LÚCIO

TRACER: i have no idea why tf jack and ana are still in here considering they’re dead

TRACER: but i think i got everyone else

BASTION: (^_^)/  beep boop bweep boop

ZENYATTA: My friend says hello, as do I.

ORISA: Conversation protocol 2 initiated- Greetings, Lena Oxton. How are you?

TRACER: well the chatbots are here

ORISA: I am sorry, that did not compute.  Try again?

TRACER: srsly guys

ORISA: Cold shoulder detected. Feeling: sad :(

TRACER: AHEM.

TRACER: good mooooooooooorning

[WINSTON] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

[LUCIO] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

WINSTON: Good morning, Lena.

[HANZO SHIMADA] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

HANZO: Uh

HANZO: So I just read up a bit.

HANZO: I hate to be blunt but

HANZO: Tf is this.

TRACER: it’s the overwatch chatroom grumpus!

WINSTON: This was the Overwatch Emergency Channel.

WINSTON: I’m very sorry.

HANZO: Wow.

WINSTON: Yeah.

[MCCREE] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

MCCREE: howdy pardners

TRACER: what

MCCREE: i said howdy

TRACER:

TRACER: somehow i had convinced myself

TRACER: there was absolutely no way you still talked like that

TRACER:

TRACER: i need more coffee

[TRACER] went idle.

[D.VA] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

D.VA: nice going loserboy

D.VA: your cringe was so bad

D.VA: lena actually developed chronic depression

D.VA: go sit in the corner and think about what you did

MCCREE: ow

MCCREE: y’all are pretty feisty for a twelve year old.

D.VA: ok

D.VA: first of all…

D.VA: wait

D.VA: you crying?

D.VA: i hear sobs and im in my room

HANZO: HANA SONG

HANZO: MAKE JESSE CRY AGAIN

HANZO: AND I WILL PERSONALLY

HANZO: STOP BUYING YOU

HANZO: ANIME

LÚCIO: hana

LÚCIO: is this true

LÚCIO: do you watch anime

D.VA: i can explain

LÚCIO: without me?

D.VA: ...

LUCIO: ......

D.VA: come over tonight

D.VA: we’ll watch evangelion and make fun of mccrees cowboy cosplay

LÚCIO: scheduled

D.VA: anyway...

HANZO: Apologize Song.

D.VA: why do you care so much

HANZO: I am a good person.

[GENJI] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

GENJI: hah!

GENJI: nice one brother!

HANZO: Sigh.

D.VA: oooh

D.VA: im calling this ship HaREE

D.VA: cause it’s also the sound hanzo makes when he gets mad

GENJI: nah it’s McHanzo for sure

D.VA: REE

D.VA: so handsoap

D.VA: you gonna give jesse a kiss on the forehead

D.VA: tell him ‘it’ll be ok bby’

HANZO: Apologize.

D.VA: yeah yeah

D.VA: sorry loserboy


9:50 A.M.

GENJI: I tenderly grabbed his hand, and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Jesse,” I said. “I need to unleash my dragon.” The cowboy returned my gaze, dark eyes filled with a loving mirth and with a wry smirk gracing his lush lips. “Let’s not waste time.” Together, they parted the crowd and headed upstairs.

D.VA:

D.VA: what

D.VA: what did i just read

D.VA: i feel kinda violated

GENJI: i found that on his computer

GENJI: that was a small excerpt

HANZO: wtf

HANZO: I’m changing my password.

MCCREE: did you really write that about us?

HANZO: It’s not what it looks like.

MCCREE: i love you babe

HANZO:

HANZO: I love you too.

D.VA: gag

GENJI: much so


11:30 A.M.

[MERCY] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

[PHARAH] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

MERCY: Why did Lena just bolt in and swipe my coffee?

D.VA: scroll up

MERCY: Oh.

MERCY: I didn’t need to know all of that, to be honest.

[TRACER] is no longer idle.

TRACER: i am restored

TRACER: damn what did I miss

TRACER: @Hanzo @Mccree ;)

HANZO: What.

MCCREE: what

TRACER: ;)))))))))))

WINSTON: Lena…

TRACER: so how is he jesse

WINSTON: There are kids here.

D.VA: i am not a child


>> DO IT. <<

>> fine fine <<


[?] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

[??] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

[???] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

??: I never thought I’d see the day

??: Jesse scoring

??: wtf

D.VA: ikr

TRACER: who dis

TRACER: think you gotta da wrong number sir

WINSTON: This is supposed to be a secure channel.

?: Everything can be hacked

???: and everyone.

???: Was that correct, chérie?

?: excelente 

WINSTON: Oh.

WINSTON: This is Talon.

MCCREE: DAD?

??: I am not your father.

MERCY: Amélie?

???: Non? Que est-ce?

MERCY: …

??: Amélie is dead, Angela.

??: You’ll be with her soon.

GENJI: THAT IS SO EDGY

GENJI: WTF

?: you’re a cyborg ninja with a katana in 2076

?: don’t talk

???: She is right you know.

TRACER: are you the hot french one

WINSTON: She killed Mondatta.

WINSTON: Gérard as well.

WINSTON: She almost killed you.

TRACER: well yeah

TRACER: but she’s still hot

TRACER: i mean damn

???: Oui. I shall slide into your DMs, mon coeur.

??: We didn’t come here to play Tinder, Widowmaker.

WINSTON: Why are you here again?

?: to troll duh

PHARAH: can you guys atleast get real names

PHARAH: we know who you are

[?] changed their name to [SOMBRA]

[??] changed their name to [REAPER]

[???] changed their name to [WIDOWMAKER]

WIDOWMAKER: Ah, Fareeha.

WIDOWMAKER: I killed your mother.

PHARAH: what

PHARAH: …

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: I need a second

MERCY: Come to my office, Fareeha.

[PHARAH] went idle.

TRACER: that was like really forward

MERCY: LENA

MERCY: IM TRYING TO COMFORT A FRIEND

MERCY: ABOUT HER MOTHER’S DEATH

TRACER: ;)

TRACER: let me come in and provide extra emotional support then

[MERCY] went idle.

[D.VA] left the chat.


12:00 P.M.

[MERCY] is no longer idle

[PHARAH] is no longer idle

WIDOWMAKER: Oh merde, but what is this?

PHARAH: is there a mute function?

PHARAH: found it

WIDOWMAKER: @Ana

WIDOWMAKER: Dear Fareeha, it would appear your dead mother is in this chat?

WIDOWMAKER: Anything you’d like to say to her? Or I could just send you to meet her.

WINSTON: About that…

[ANA] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]

PHARAH: MOM?

ANA: What the fuck did you just fucking say about my daughter, you little bitch?

ANA: I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Egyptian Security Forces, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Talon, and I have over 300 confirmed sleeps.

ANA: I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Overwatch elite unit. You are nothing to me but just another target.

ANA: I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

ANA: You think you can get away with saying that shit to my daughter over this chat room?

ANA: Think again, fucker.

ANA: As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot.

ANA: The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid.

ANA: I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands.

ANA: Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Lindholm family and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your unreasonably large ass off the face of the planet, you little shit.

ANA: If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit biotic grenades all over you and you will drown in them. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

WIDOWMAKER: . . .

WIDOWMAKER: Alright.

WIDOWMAKER: That is enough for today.

[WIDOWMAKER] left the chat.

PHARAH: I LOVE YOU MOM

PHARAH: WHAT THE FUCK THOUGH

PHARAH: I MEAN SERIOUSLY

PHARAH: I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL

PHARAH: I SAW YOUR PYRE

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

ANA: awww

ANA: internet hug dear?

ANA: ill be back on base in a week or so

PHARAH: internet hug

ANA: oh and angela hun

TRACER: uh oh

MERCY: Yes Ms. Amari?

ANA: use protection

TRACER: ;))))))))

TRACER: Ana you and D.VA are my favs

TRACER: you are the hippest grandma

ANA: thank you lena

REAPER: So uh…

ANA: fuck you reyes

ANA: i always knew you were a piece of shit

ANA: and that you would dump jack

TRACER: DAMN

TRACER: IS EVERYONE HERE GAY

TRACER: EXCEPT ANA I GUESS

ANA: oh no

ANA: im bi

TRACER: shiiiit everyone’s technically gay

[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [GAYWATCH]

WINSTON: I’m a monkey.

TRACER: fuck

[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [GAYWATCH + a monkey]

TRACER: doesn’t really roll off the tongue

TRACER: as usual winston fucks everything up

WINSTON: Ouch.


1:00 P.M.

TRACER: so I forgot in light of the very important circumstances

TRACER: @Jack stop lurking

TRACER: everyone knows you’re alive

[JACK MORRISON] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]

JACK: Ana just had to blow everything so she could use her copypasta huh?

[JACK MORRISON] changed their name to [SOLDIER 76]

ANA: …

ANA: jack my son

ANA: sit the fuck down

ANA: i am not the one who “blew everything”

ANA: i am not the one who got into a fight with their boyfriend and caused the collapse of overwatch

ANA: you just love pinning the blame on other people

ANA: and you still want winston to give you back your strike commander title.

ANA: take your title when you take responsibility

REAPER: She has a point.

SOLDIER 76: Reyes?

REAPER: Yes?

SOLDIER 76: Why are you in the Overwatch chat?

REAPER: Why not.

SOLDIER 76: I can think of several reasons, actually.

REAPER: Then it’s a good thing no one asked you.

[D.VA] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]

D.VA: oooh I like the new chat name

D.VA: also hi dad. you finally came out.

SOLDIER 76: ???

SOMBRA: hey gabe

SOMBRA: can i call you dad?

REAPER: Absolutely not.

SOMBRA: alright dad

SOMBRA: @Widowmaker

[WIDOWMAKER] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]

WIDOWMAKER: Oui, chérie?

SOMBRA: can i call you mom?

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: You will not take non for an answer?

SOMBRA: wasn’t planning on it no

WIDOWMAKER: … I will allow it.

SOMBRA: yay thanks mom

SOMBRA: that means you’re married now

REAPER: Oh. My. God.

WIDOWMAKER: I’m getting a divorce. Apologies, mon amour.

SOMBRA: we’re so dysfunctional

D.VA: you can say that again

SOMBRA: we’re so dysfunctional

SOMBRA:

SOMBRA: I need counseling


1:30 P.M.

[REINHARDT WILHELM] re-entered [DEPRESSIONWATCH]

REINHARDT: WGAT US GOID NY FAM

D.VA: what

MERCY: you need to take off the gauntlets when you type rein

REINHARDT: NO DUH

REINHARDT: SQUIRE! SHINE MY ARMOR!

MERCY: Baguette isn’t in the chat anymore.

WIDOWMAKER: Baguette?

WIDOWMAKER: Where?

MERCY: autocorrect

MERCY: Brigitte*

REINHARDT: AH YES. MY FAITHFUL SQUIRE BAGUETTE!

REINHARDT: OF COURSE!

D.VA: reinhardt

REINHARDT: YES LITTLE BUNNY GIRL?

D.VA: first of all turn off caps lock please

REINHARDT: NO.

D.VA: and is it true torbjorn has a wife

REINHARDT: HE DOES!

D.VA: and children

REINHARDT: INDEED!

D.VA: why am I still single

D.VA: even torb found someone

REINHARDT: PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR PERSONALITY IS SHIT AND YOU’RE ALWAYS PUTTING OTHERS DOWN

ANA: I taught you well

ANA: keep this up and the kids will love you

PHARAH: pretty sure no

REINHARDT: IT IS TRUE

REINHARDT: ONE DAY I YELLED AT A CHILD

REINHARDT: “YOU ARE SHIT AND YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU!”

REINHARDT: SHE RAN AWAY SCREAMING WITH JOY

REINHARDT: I WAS ELATED

MERCY: Someone get baguette back in this chat.

MERCY: BRIGITTE****

WIDOWMAKER: Do not tease me so, chérie.

[WINSTON] added [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] to the chat.

MERCY: @Brigitte

[BRIGITTE] entered [DEPRESSIONWATCH]

BRIGITTE: hej!

BRIGITTE: is reinhardt being stupid again?

REINHARDT: YOU WOUND ME BAGUETTE

D.VA: wait

D.VA: so this is torbs kid

BRIGITTE: yes?

D.VA: can I ask you an important question

BRIGITTE: shoot

D.VA: how tall are you?

BRIGITTE: 6’3

D.VA:

D.VA: uhm

D.VA: what

BRIGITTE: I’m 6’3

D.VA: you’re joking

BRIGITTE: nope

BRIGITTE: I get asked that a lot

D.VA: how is that even genetically possible

TRACER: it’s overwatch luv

D.VA: good point

D.VA: OH GOD I’M GONNA BE FOREVER ALONE

D.VA: EVEN TORBINA IS TALLER THAN ME

REINHARDT: GOOD WORK TORBINA

REINHARDT: YOU MADE HER QUESTIONS HER LIFE CHOICES

ANA: that takes years of training you should be very proud

BRIGITTE: ...

BRIGITTE: /msg D.VA >> hey I’m sorry for being tall <<

D.VA: /reply >> apology accepted <<

D.VA: >> just don’t do it again <<

BRIGITTE: >> hahah <<

D.VA: >> im serious <<

REINHARDT: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER

REINHARDT: TORBY IS ACTUALLY ONLY TEN INCHES SHORTER THAN YOU

[D.VA] left the chat.

BRIGITTE: nice going big guy