babe you wanna talk about yesterday?
you seemed anxious
just wanna make sure you're okay
call me when you're ready
Jimin looks away from his phone and takes a deep breath. He's lying on his bed and the door to his bedroom is locked. Earlier Taehyung had knocked, asking if he was around and leaving for a date when Jimin hadn't answered. Jimin is glad that he didn't try to get in. They don't lock their doors. Hell most of the time they don't even close them.
But right now... right now Jimin needs some time to get a grip on himself.
He's just a bit confused.
There is absolutely no reason for him to be freaking out about this. He knows that there is a very easy answer to the question that has been bugging him for the past few months.
Years, something deep inside of him says, but Jimin is so used to suppressing these kind of thoughts that he doesn't even notice.
Instead he wakes up his phone again and swallows. He's a millennial. Google is his best friend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a simple Google search. No one spying on him – or whoever is most likely doesn't care at all.
i don't enjoy sex
i don't enjoy sex male
i don't enjoy sex male gay
Jimin expects to find the obvious answer here. He did everything right. At least he thinks he did. He doesn't really remember all the fancy research keywords he got taught in the research course by that scary librarian in his first semester, but really, how hard can this be.
But nothing is helpful. Everything is just the same word again and again and again.
He swallows. He's not asexual. He knows he's not. He's healthy and lucky enough to live without any kind of disorders and right now is not the time to start developing one.
i don't enjoy sex male gay not asexual
how to exclude words from google search
i don't enjoy sex male gay –asexual
asexual hormonal imbalance
being in an asexual relationship
would you date an asexual
Reddit, would you date someone who is asexual? Why or why not?
"Not from the beginning. However, if I found out later on, after we progressed into a relationship, that they are asexual, then I wouldn't break up with them just for that reason."
are u free rn?
wanna come to my place?
can we meet at the coffee shop in half an hour?
i'll be right there
The door opens and Jimin looks up from his phone. A couple of schoolgirls enter the Starbucks, chattering among themselves without noticing anything but each other and the hot barista behind the counter.
Hoseok winks at Jimin and Jimin gives him a shaky smile. As soon as Hoseok has turned around, ready to take the girls' orders, the smile disappears and Jimin looks back at his phone.
It's 11:08, he's sitting in the back corner, hasn't touched his drink and his boyfriend is 8 minutes late.
Eight minutes that Jimin has spent staring at his phone again and again and again, re-reading different forum posts, reddit threads and articles, meanwhile trying not to freak out.
He is as prepared as he can get.
The door opens again. Tall, with bleached hair and heavy eyes, Illsuk steps foot into the room, catching Jimin's eyes and smiling at him.
Jimin takes one last look at the screen, reads over the account of someone in Illsuk's position again and gives his boyfriend of seven months a smile.
He is prepared.
Everything is going to work out fine.
Jimin stumbles into the restroom, doesn't even close the door behind himself and props his hands up on the sink.
"So you're sick?"
He tries to control his breathing, remembers every meditation exercise he has ever learned.
"Like a hormonal imbalance?"
"It might be. I could have low testosterone or something. But ... I've seen a lot of people talk about how it might actually be a normal occurrence."
"Normal? Jimin... humans are sexual beings, like I'm not trying to invalidate what you're saying, but babe, have you been to a doctor?"
Tears drop down from his cheeks into the sink and Jimin grabs the faucet with shaking hands, turns the water on.
"Okay... I think you really should get an appointment. You've been stressed lately, right? That might just be the reason, right?"
A sob escapes him and he presses his hand against his mouth.
"I guess so?"
"Yeah, so I don't see a problem if we can fix it, I don't mind jerking off on my own for a few weeks until your hormones are back to their natural state."
"What if there's no cure? What if ... what if it's like this forever."
What is he supposed to do? He thought- He can't believe- People on reddit said that they would accept their partner being asexual if they were already in a relationship. No one in that thread had been against the idea in general, everyone had reasoned that if they loved their partner, they could accept this. And it's not like he even said he was actually asexual – he's not, he's so sure of that – but the thought alone was too much for Illsuk.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves right? If you're going into the solution with that kind of mind-set we can just break up immediately."
"So you would break up with me if I'm actually asexual?"
Maybe it's just that, maybe Illsuk never loved him. Maybe he should have waited until they were more secure in their relationship, more permanent. After they would have moved in with each other.
"I mean ... If you're not actually interested in me, why would I date you? But as I said, this is recent. You've enjoyed sex before, right? So let's just work to get back to that."
But then... the thought of another seven months of sex three to five times a week, of spending an hour crying in the bathroom afterwards... Jimin leans forward, presses his forehead against the cool tiles and wraps his arms around himself.
"I've never ... I've never liked sex. I like making you feel happy and I know that sex makes you happy, but it makes my skin crawl."
"It's been seven months and you... what? Just laid back and waited for it to be over? What the fuck, Jimin!"
"No, I like you, I wanted to make you happy!"
He could have done it. He could have taken it. He should never have opened his mouth. His mother had always said that relationships mean compromise and he should have just lain back and take it.
"Yeah, no thank you."
"Hyung! Please just forget I said anything, I'm so sorry"
Someone bangs against the door.
"Jimin? Are you okay? Illsuk-hyung just left, he looked pissed."
Jimin sobs again, bites against his knuckles to silence the noise, but Hoseok must have heard it.
"Jimin, I'm coming in, okay?"
"Forget it? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't deserve this shit, I'm gonna go and find someone who actually wants me."
He doesn't know what he looks like when Hoseok opens the door, but Hoseok curses when he sees him, closes the door and locks it behind him. He comes closer slowly, like he's approaching a scared animal and Jimin snuffles before looking away. A hand touches his hair and he flinches.
"Jimin-ah, everything's gonna be okay."
He shakes his head and curls in on himself.
"Hyung is here, hyung's gonna take care of you." Hoseok starts petting his hair, his other hand touching his shoulder and slowly rubbing it and Jimin is torn between moving away and just throwing himself against Hoseok.
"Do you want me to call Tae for you?" He shakes his head. Taehyung would understand. He would be respectful. He would start treating Jimin differently though, would probably stop making the sex jokes that sometimes make him uncomfortable deep down and Jimin cannot bear to be treated like that by his best friend.
"What about Yoongi-hyung? Do you want him here with you?" Jimin flinches. Yoongi. Yoongi who is kind and supportive and always helps Jimin when he can. Be it with private matters or his university assignments. Yoongi who Jimin has had a crush on ever since he's met him. Yoongi who dates one person after the other. Yoongi who has dated literally every single person in the Universities LGBT club. Yoongi who is never single. Yoongi who probably has more sex in a month than Jimin could bear having in his entire life.
"Please don't," he begs.
"Okay, I won't. Can I hug you?"
He hesitates, but nods. Hoseok wraps his arms around him, pulls Jimin's head under his chin and Jimin.
Jimin stops holding his tears back.
Eventually Hoseok has to go back to work, but not without making Jimin promise that he won't stay alone for the next few hours.
Jimin is torn. He doesn't want Taehyung to know, he doesn't want Yoongi to know. Hoseok is busy, and he isn't ready to face Namjoon and Jin about this situation – knows already what they would say.
That he is asexual. That he isn't broken. That he shouldn't make an appointment at the doctor's office. That everything is going to turn out fine. But everything is fine. He just overreacted. Maybe him and Illsuk were supposed to break up anyway so that Jimin could go back to sleeping around like he did before, always looking for ... looking for one who would finally make him feel something.
Jimin swallows and opens Skout on his phone.
Well, time to try that again.
"So, Jimin, was it?" The hot Skout guy who's name Jimin doesn't know asks, and Jimin puts his phone away.
The guy hums. He's tall and muscular, with tanned skin and very expressive eyebrows.
"Didn't expect you to want to meet up immediately."
Jimin shrugs. It must seem weird for this guy. That Jimin agreed to meet him five minutes into the conversation and that he actually showed up at his flat, ready to get fucked six ways to Sunday. Maybe a bit naive. Stupid. But Jimin is neither naive, nor stupid. He knows what he wants and he is going to get it.
"I was bored," he shrugs again. Blasé and aloof, that's what he's going for. He's not thirsty or desperate, he is better than this guy and there's absolutely nothing intimidating about this whole thing.
Having sex. With a stranger. Having sex again after how shitty he had felt the last time with Illsuk.
"You wanna watch a movie?"
"No," he shakes his head, reclines further against the armrest of the couch and raises an eyebrow at the guy – wow, he should really ask him his name.
The guy chuckles and tracks his eyes over Jimin's body.
Jimin knows he is hot. While he's personally not attracted to his own type, he's had enough people hit on him to be confident in his own appearance.
The guy comes closer, crawls between Jimin's open legs, his crotch settling against Jimin's. One hand sneaks under Jimin's shirt, the other one cups his cheeks.
"You're a needy little slut, aren't you?"
Jimin smiles, fighting down the nausea.
"Coming here, thirsty for my cock," the guy clicks his tongue and presses his mouth against Jimin's the next moment.
Jimin freezes. Kissing is... kissing is okay. Can sometimes be nice to feel someone else's lips against his own.
The guy pushes his tongue inside Jimin's mouth and it wiggles around like a wet warm sponge, pressing against his own, trying to coax him into participating.
He turns his head away before he throws up and the guy latches onto Jimin's neck, sucking and licking.
His hand has sneaked up to Jimin's nipples and he's rubbing them without any kind of response.
His hips are pushing down, causing some kind of friction on Jimin's dick that just feels uncomfortable.
Apart from flinching whenever the wet nightmare that is the guy's tongue licks over his skin, Jimin feels nothing.
He has a hot guy sitting on him, being into him, wanting to fuck him, while stimulating all the right spots. Hell, Jimin is probably half hard in his pants.
And he doesn't feel anything.
He is broken after all.
He wraps his arms around the guy's shoulders, wanting to push him off, but the guy must see it as an invitation, because his hand sneaks down to Jimin's crotch.
"That too much for you, baby? You want me to touch your little cock?"
He squirms. He needs to get to out of this situation immediately.
Somewhere someone must have heard him, because the quiet vibration of a phone cuts through the guy's panting and they both look to the table.
It's Jimin's phone lighting up with a familiar picture of Yoongi and Jimin reaches for it, hits the green button and holds the phone against his ear – only to realise that the call is already gone.
Yoongi hung up. Maybe only butt dialled him.
But Jimin cannot pass up a chance like that.
"Hi, hyung," Jimin still says and holds one hand up to indicate that it's only going to take a minute. He slides out from under the guy, gets on his feet.
"Oh no," he says trying to appear properly shocked. "Your roommate did what? That is so horrible, no of course you can come over, I'll be at home shortly."
He gives the guy an apologising look and starts walking backwards towards the door, still making noises of understanding.
He can do this. He grabs his shoes and waves to the guy.
And that's when his phone starts vibrating again.
The room isn't big. The guy can definitely hear Jimin's phone vibrating with an actual call.
Confusion clouds his face and Jimin makes a run for it.
He's out of the door and inside the elevator within seconds, manages to pull his shoes on before the elevator gets down to the ground floor and takes a moment to just breathe.
Looking at his phone he sees two missed calls from Yoongi and he immediately calls him.
"Jimin-ah," Yoongi answers, before the first ring has passed and Jimin tries to compose himself. Starting to walk in the general direction of the subway, he tries to put on his usual voice.
"Hyung, you called? Is everything alright?"
"Hmmm. I was wondering if we were still on for the recording today?"
Oh. Of course. Jimin had totally forgotten that Yoongi had asked him for help with a song – and the relating project – a few weeks ago.
"Of course. When are we supposed to meet again?"
"An hour ago."
Jimin stops in the middle of the sidewalk. He feels like he can't breathe.
"Hyung," he starts. "I am so sorry, I don't know what happened-" Of course he knows what happened. His own imagined problems have made him so selfish that he forgot something this important.
"Please forgive me, I'm really far out, I can be there within half an hour-"
"Jimin, calm down," Yoongi drawls and chuckles. "It's okay, I know how busy you are with your lectures and your boyfriend. I understand."
He must make some kind of noise, because Yoongi asks next: "Everything alright?"
"Yes." There's desperation in his voice, some panic and Yoongi definitely hears it. But because he is Yoongi and he's one of Jimin's favourite people in the world, he just hums. Jimin knows he could technically talk to Yoongi about everything, but not ... not about this. Not when Yoongi is the one person who absolutely cannot know.
"I've got the studio for another twenty minutes, if it takes you that long to get here we'll just pick a new date, alright?"
"Yes of course, just tell me then and I'll be there."
Yoongi hums again and says goodbye and as soon as the screen goes dark, Jimin stumbles into the next concrete wall and buries his head in his hands. Around him Seoul goes on, reminding him of how insignificant his problems really are.
He looks at his phone again. It's been five hours since Illsuk dumped him, since Jimin managed to ruin his own life.
It's been four hours since he left Hoseok.
Two hours since he last texted Taehyung.
It's been fifteen minutes since he left the guy who was supposed to fix him.
Three minutes since he ended the call with Yoongi.
And Jimin is finally, finally ready to talk to the one person who might actually have answers.
"Asexuality is not a disorder," Namjoon says from the opposite end of the couch ten minutes after Jimin threw himself against him in the doorway, sipping tea and watching Jimin slurp his own while he's sitting between Jin's legs. Jin is petting his hair and rubbing his toes over Jimin's to calm him down.
"Be gentle, Namjoonie," he says and Jimin flinches.
He shouldn't have come. He shouldn't have told them. He should have just kept his mouth shut and found a new boyfriend who doesn't know that he's like this.
He remembers the guy he met an hour ago and fights down the nausea.
"Jimin-ah," Namjoon says. "Asexuality is not a disorder or a sexual dysfunction. Do you want to know why?"
Jimin shakes his head. Namjoon gives him a long look.
"Why?" he asks.
"Sexual disorders and dysfunction are commonly characterised by psychological disturbances such as distress and anxiety when it comes to the control they have over their sexuality."
"I'm feeling pretty distressed," Jimin mumbles and Jin chuckles behind him.
"Because you're worried about your sexuality or because you're worried about what other people might think about it?"
Jimin looks down onto his tea, the steam rising from the cup and shrugs.
"I want you to ignore everything someone else might say and imagine the following thing. You will never have sex again in your life. Don't think about any potential boyfriends, just think about how you feel about the lack of sex in your life."
He knows both of them are looking at them, are expecting him to do this stupid exercise, so Jimin takes a breath and imagines what Namjoon explained.
He feels ... contend. Not happy, because he is way too stressed for that, but he feels like he can breathe, like he doesn't need to keep himself in check and doesn't need to walk on eggshells anymore.
"Kinda," he admits. "But just because I don't feel bad about it, doesn't mean that I can't be fixed!"
Namjoon sets down his tea. "You're gay, do you want that to be fixed too?"
Jimin flinches. He's reminded of his grandparents disapproving looks, recommendations for special therapy spoken to his parent's in whispers behind closed doors. How helpless and disgusting he had felt when he had first found out. How happy he is now with who he is – or how happy he used to be.
"It's not the same."
"Because ... I don't know. Sex is a normal part of life. Everyone needs it."
"I don't. Am I broken too?"
He throws a look at Jin. "But you and Jin-hyung have sex with each other."
He clearly remembers Namjoon talking about it at the LGBT Club meeting. How he considers himself asexual, but sometimes him and his boyfriend have sex. That he doesn't mind it, even if he feels absolutely no sexual attraction towards Jin – who everyone is always hitting on. Sex positive he had called it.
"Like ... once a year or something," Jin says and Jimin looks from one to the other.
"Once a year?!"
Jin doesn't look pissed. He doesn't look unhappy. He shares a look with Namjoon and they look so happy that Jimin wants to cry.
"Sometimes twice a year and then not again for the next three," Namjoon shrugs. "Last time we had sex was ... July 2015 I think?"
"You made me come in my pants in February because you thought riding my crotch was fun."
Namjoon laughs. "Oh right."
Jimin wraps his arms around himself. He can't see anything fun about it. The thought of someone else thinking about him when they get off just rubs him the wrong way. Helping someone to get off seems even worse.
"But that's not for you, isn't it?" Jin asks, hugging him from behind. "You just want to cuddle, maybe make out a bit, but never ever touch another person in a sexual way ever again."
It sounds easy the way he says it, like Jimin could just write that on his Skout profile and find someone to date within five minutes.
"Who's gonna date me like that?" No one is going to want someone like him. Someone who doesn't want to put out. Someone who just wants to take without giving back at all. He's not asexual. But something is so so wrong with him.
"Someone who loves you," Namjoon says and Jimin looks at him and at Jin and at the perfect relationship they have.
And breaks into tears.
Please promise me that you will think about what I said
You're not broken, you're perfect the way you are Jimin-ah
Even if you're asexual
but of course hyung
We're having an open door kinda thing or the freshmen on Friday, were we will also be talking about different sexualities.
If you're interested in helping out, you can.
No one needs to know why you're here.
Also you haven't participated in anything this semester yet and as the club's president it is my duty to inform you that you have a responsibility.
i'll think about it
don't do anything rash like sign yourself up for therapy, promise?
see you later hyung!