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Speechless

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It just never seemed like a good time to bring it up.

On previous dates, he’d brought it up quickly, feeling like honesty was the best possibility, but they’d run the other way, or worse yet, they’d decided to just not call him for a second date. Maybe it was him? Maybe it had nothing to do with his mother. All he knew was after being told that his date “didn’t want to deal with any of that,” he’d started not being as upfront about it.

But then he met Y/N.

He’d never mentioned it and within a few short months he’d fallen head over heels. That kind of love he’d only dreamed about - the kind that made him stop and appreciate the smell of the flowers, the kind that had her speaking to him through each heartbeat, the kind made him feel like a wave coming home to shore every time he returned home after a case. And now they were sitting here fighting.

“Spence, I want to meet your mother! Why haven’t I met her? We’ve been dating for three months for fuck’s sake!”

There were tears in her eyes that she was desperately trying to keep at bay. “It’s not what you think!” He yelled, combing his hands through his hair.

“Oh really?” She snapped as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Because right now it looks to me like you’re ashamed of me.”

How in the hell could she possibly think that? “What?”

“That has to be it. Why else would you continually deny me the opportunity to meet your mother?” She propped herself up on the kitchen counter and leaned her head against the refrigerator, her head too heavy from crying to keep itself upright.

Spencer walked into the kitchen to try and comfort her, but she held her hand up as a warning to stay away. “I’m not ashamed of you. Why would I be, Y/N? You’re the woman I love. I love you more than my own life. Why would I be ashamed?” She had no answer, so he continued, trying to explain himself. “I haven’t been trying to keep you from meeting her-”

“Bullshit! There have been plenty of occasions where we’ve had the opportunity to go see her, but you claim you have paperwork you need to get done, or you’re not feeling well. You’ve made plenty of excuses.”

It was true. But it was only because he’d never mentioned, and then he’d fallen in love so quickly that he was afraid. He was so afraid to lose her and he knew that if she couldn’t deal with his mother’s illnesses or the fact that he possibly carried them as well, he would have to leave her, and the thought made his heart break in two. “I’m scared okay!”

In an instant, her eyes went from anger to astonishment. “Why?” She whispered. “What could you possibly have to be afraid of regarding your mother? Is she a killer or something?” She laughed awkwardly.

“No of course not,” he replied.

She got down from the counter and moved toward him, her hand slipping effortlessly into his. “Because for the record, if she was, that wouldn’t scare me away.”

“My mother…she has…schizophrenia. And Alzheimer’s,” he said without looking up. “I love my mother more than most people in this world. You’re at the top of the list with her,” he said with a soft, quivering smile. “I’ve brought these things up with people before, and they’ve used it as an excuse to walk away. Said they didn’t want to deal with her, so I stopped bringing it up. Then I met you and I fell for you so quickly I thought my head would spin and now we’re here. If you ended up feeling the same way they did…I’d have to break up with you. And the thought kills me.”

“People used her illnesses as excuses not to be with you?” She asked, disgusted at the thought.

“Not just her. But if she has them, it’s possible I can carry the genes too. I could end with either one. Although schizophrenia is less likely the older I get, but I could pass it down to my children too, and that’s the last thing I want. I don’t think I could bear to watch my kids suffer the way my mother has.”

By the look in her eyes, he could see that hadn’t immediately come to mind. “So are you saying you don’t want kids?”

“No,” he reassured her. “But having them share my DNA is something I struggle with every day. I don’t necessarily want to take that risk, so if you don’t-”

She pressed her finger to his lips. “Having children biologically isn’t the only way to have them Spence. I would adopt children. I just…want you to be the father. No matter what that means.”

“Really?” Now he felt like an ass. He’d been afraid for nothing.

“Yes. I mean, I’m sure learning about these illnesses I have no experience with will be difficult. There’ll be a bit of a learning curve, but that’s okay, because I love you, Spencer. And as for kids, whatever you’re most comfortable with, we can do, I just want you. Forever. Okay?” Leaning up, Y/N pressed her lips to his and breathed him in.

A lone tear fell from his eye. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I want you for the rest of my life too. Sitting on the porch rocking back and forth reminiscing about our lives.”

For a moment, the two of them stood in the center of the living room swaying gently back and forth. “My mom already knows a lot about you,” he finally said.

“Yea?”

Spencer nodded and led her toward the couch. All he wanted to do was hold her. “I’ve write her letters all the time. Lately, they’ve been about you. I remember every word.”

“Can you tell me what you said about me?” She asked expectantly.

As he closed his eyes, he thought about the plethora of letters he sent her. One in particular came to mind. “After the first few, she asked me if I was in love. This was before I said it to you.”

“What did you say?” With a soft smile on her face, she turned into him, resting her head against the steady heartbeat.

“I said, ‘Mom, I’m so screwed. The other night we stayed up all night on the couch, just talking. When some people think about love, they think about shooting stars and diamonds and all these things that are so grand but so out of reach in the scheme of things, but the other night all I could think of was how she twirls her hair when she’s nervous. How her eye twitches anytime someone gets a Doctor Who fact wrong. Mom, she’s such a nerd. Yes, I love her.” He could sense her crying against his chest, but this time he knew why, so he continued. “I kept thinking about what it would be like to watch her walking down the aisle. I was thinking about what an amazing mother she’d make. We’ve been dating for six weeks and already I can’t imagine what life would be without her and I don’t want to, so yes, I’m in love with her and I’m so irrevocably screwed. I think you’d love her.”

She grabbed his chin in between her fingers and tilted it down to kiss him. “What did she say?”

“She said, ‘If you love her, then I do too. That’s all I need.’”

“So…can we make a plan? For me to meet her? I need to meet my future mother-in-law.” Her smile melted him from the inside out.

“Yes. As soon as possible. She’s been asking when she can meet the woman that has me speechless.”

“You, speechless?” She chuckled.