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You're My Tear

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Yoongi didn’t mean for this to happen. The boy was younger than him, basically a brother, and their families had known each other for years. He helped guide him, taught him the things he learned through their two-year difference, worked with him on homework and held him when he cried. They had known each other for years and Yoongi never meant for any of this to happen. Most of all, he never meant to fall in love.

And yet here he is, drunk at a party, watching Jimin make out with his boyfriend with jealousy and sadness being the only emotions running through his head. He should have figured this would happen when he invited them up for the weekend. He really wanted to see Jimin as the boy had decided to attend a university closer to home rather than the same university as Yoongi, but seeing that Jimin’s car was in the shop he told Jimin to invite his boyfriend in hopes that Ben would drive them up. He did, and Yoongi now realized that was a mistake. He had been telling himself for months to move on, and he thought he had.

He had met Namjoon, just a year younger than him and someone whose thoughts seemed to hold the secrets of the universe, just a few months ago. They would sit for hours talking about anything and everything from their childhoods to the concept of reality. It wasn’t really something that Yoongi had planned, it had all started one night after going out with some friends. He knew Taehyung and Jungkook through Jimin (as they all had been in band together in high school) and he met Hoseok and Jin through them. On one of the rare nights that they decided to go out, Jin and Hoseok asked if they could bring their friend Namjoon since he had locked himself in his room for weeks researching for one of his philosophy papers. Namjoon had been someone Yoongi had considered pretentious and irritating before he properly met him, hearing stories about him that led him to the conclusion that Namjoon thought he was better than everyone else and that if he ever came into contact with him, he would promptly ignore him. However, after a few drinks both at the club and back in his apartment after the clubs closed for the night, one thing led to another and the next morning he woke up to Namjoon struggling to get his pants on as he ran out the door saying he had a prior commitment to attend. Grabbing coffee later that day, they decided not to pursue a further relationship, but barely even a week later they were out on a date after Yoongi had a few too many drinks with Jungkook and Taehyung and drunkenly asked him on a date. They would grab coffee and lunch together and talk about themselves, their pasts, and their hopes for the future. They would kiss, hold hands, and hold each other late at night, but they hadn’t slept together again since that first night and hadn’t made anything official. Part of that (and when he says 'part', he means 'most of it') was Yoongi’s fault.

Yoongi would never tell Namjoon this, but that first night had been initiated not only by a few too many drinks and a physical attraction to the beautiful man but also by a selfie Jimin sent of himself and his boyfriend cuddling. The photo had shown up, and Yoongi had decided then he was going to get laid that night. That’s what led to that first night, and it’s also the thought of Jimin that holds Yoongi back from letting a repeat of that night happen. Every time Namjoon started to make a move, Yoongi would pull back and make a bullshit excuse. Work, class, projects, papers, tests, he had cited all of these for reasons why they couldn’t sleep together again and why they couldn’t make anything official. However, it was honestly the thought that maybe, just maybe, Jimin would come running to him, saying how much he loved him and how he didn't notice it before but he did now, and that he had broken up with his boyfriend, all leading up to the question “Will you go out with me?” The hope was barely there, but it was strong enough in his mind that he held onto it, allowing it to consume him and stopping any potential relationship that had come his way until Namjoon and even then, it still held him back from making a commitment.

Which all leads to now, watching Jimin and his boyfriend make out in the corner of some frat house with anger and sadness running through his veins, as he tries to hold himself together in public. He grabs another beer and a cup of jungle juice and chugs both down. They head to the club next, and as they walk back to his apartment he can feel himself swaying yet he acts like he can lead them all, trying to control at least something. When they get back, Jimin and his boyfriend disappear into his room as earlier he had told Jimin if he got drunk to make him sleep on the couch in case he threw up. As he watches them close the door, he breaks out a vodka bottle he had in his apartment and pours himself a shot, then another, and another, and another until he can no longer feel anything. As he stumbles to the couch, Jimin comes out of the room. He looks sad, and opens his mouth then…

He woke up with a raging headache and the overwhelming need to puke. After coming home from the club and drinking more, he had no recollection besides Jimin walking out of his room to him struggling to make it to the couch. As he rested his head on the toilet seat, he tried his hardest to remember if he had said anything stupid the night before, yet he was drawing a blank. He groaned and slowly moved back over to the couch just as Jimin and his boyfriend were walking out the bedroom with their bags packed.

“Hey, so we need to head back in order to make it back for Ben’s performance tonight, so just, please be safe. I’ll call Jungkook and Taehyung to come check on you in an hour or so, so be prepared for them. Or, I guess, I can call Namjoon if you prefer, I dunno, just text me when someone comes over to check on you. I would stay, but we really have to head back.”

Yoongi lazily made a thumbs up, then the door closed behind Jimin and his boyfriend as they walked out. Yoongi walked back to his bed and checked his messages, and saw nothing out of the ordinary. He decided to open Snapchat, to see that Namjoon had sent him a new message. The only word it had was yes. Yoongi closed his eyes and thought to himself, “Yes? To what? What did I ask?”. As he started to drift off (before having to run back to the bathroom) his final thought was, "How long was I awake after I blacked out until I passed out"?