THEON: yoooo. snowblower!!
THEON: um? bitch??
THEON: YO. VAG BADGER
THEON: f i n a l l y
JON: ‘VAG BADGER’???
THEON: yeah you go down, don’t you?
JON: Must I answer that??
THEON: kinda? i mean i usually screenshot some of our shit to sansa and i bet she’d be interested to hear about your proclivity for pussy
THEON: that’s not bad, actually. that’s what you should title your memoirs
‘a proclivity for pussy: the jon snow story’
THEON: ‘with a forward by sansa stark’ bc you KNOW she’s gonna have firsthand experience provided that you give that girl what she DESERVES
THEON: jon pls. don’t tell me you don’t want sansa to sit on your face because i WILL call you out as a fucking liar
JON: To be fair that’s like the least offensive thing you’ve ever called me, so
THEON: great i don’t care
THEON: so you want to get that pussy on lockdown or what?
JON: You’re talking like a man who can actually help me to do that
THEON: are you doubting my abilities?
JON: Absolutely I am
THEON: listen you son of a bitch
JON: Don’t talk about my mother that way
THEON: actually i was referring to your father
Well then fair enough, carry on
THEON: right. as i was saying…
THEON: look, sansa’s like… my baby. i love that girl. i mean i’ve been a complete shit to her in the past but that’s bc she’s MY BABY and I’M ALLOWED. so i wouldn’t be trying to play wingman here if i didn’t know for a fact that you’re fuckin obsessed with her
JON: I… wouldn’t say ‘obsessed’...
THEON: what the fuck WOULD you say, then?
THEON: *middle-aged mum voice* oh this oughta be good
JON: ...okay so maybe I’d say ‘obsessed’ but can you give me a little romantic credit here??
THEON: fine you’re a ‘lovelorn byronic fool’
JON: Not BYRONIC ffs i don’t want to have an orgy I just want to go down on Sansa
THEON: jon that’s beautiful can i screenshot that for her??
JON: NO?? She’ll think I’m some sort of sex-crazed maniac!!
THEON: yes but a committed, MONOGAMOUS sex-crazed maniac
THEON: LINK: “I Wanna Sex You Up” - Color Me Badd
THEON: that’s what jon wants to do to you
specifically, with his tongue
SANSA: Evidentiary support??
THEON: you’re a terrible conversationalist
SANSA: I have had quite possibly the longest day of my life. Do you know, Aunt Lysa commissioned me to do an entire wardrobe’s worth of evening gowns for her Daughters of the Vale charity group, so of course I had to make the grueling drive up that godforsaken mountain for the preliminary fittings. Then I was at the Eyrie Centre with them ALL DAY, meanwhile Lysa’s skeevy boyfriend Petyr was breathing down my neck, never mind the fact that I could have stabbed my knitting needles into his jugular if I wanted to and OH I WANTED TO, but quite honestly I want the cheque more, so…
SANSA: Anyway, home now, and I’ve already started drinking heavily.
THEON: well in the case, mon cherie, i’ll convince jon to nut up and declare his sexual intentions to you
out of the GOODNESS OF MY HEART
SANSA: Oh, fuck off, Theon.
THEON: good god you’re tetchy today
SANSA: Make this worth my while or I’m blocking your number, and then you can kiss your spontaneous baked goods GOODBYE.
THEON: you’re a MONSTER
SANSA: I’m an exhausted woman with nothing left to lose.
THEON: but you make desperation look so good, it’s practically a fashion statement
i won’t let you down
SANSA: That’s what I like to hear.
THEON: i mean if you don’t want ME to tell her then at the very least i think you should tell her yourself.
‘i wanna go down on you’
she’d probably be into that. like she’s had how many boyfriends explicitly talk shit to her face?
JON: Don’t remind me or I’ll have to kick all their asses again. Which… I mean, I could do it again, easy, but I think they’ve all relocated
THEON: god that’s right you DID kick all their asses.
oh my GOD LMAO MAN YOU’RE SO TRANSPARENT
JON: Yeah, well… yeah, I am.
THEON: XD XD XD
okay okay ANYWAY
THEON: back to my point. sansa’s exes are all fuckin dicks who had no problem talking shit straight to her. so why don’t you, y’know, talk ~sweet~ to her?? ayyyyyyyy?
JON: I’m not sure what you’re implying and quite frankly I don’t think I want to know
THEON: TALK DIRTY TO ME JONNY
JON: …yeah, I -definitely- didn’t want to know
THEON: fuck off jon just tell sansa you wanna put your pouty mouth to work for once in your life and make her cum so hard she has an out-of-body experience
JON: First of all, YOU don’t get to talk about Sansa having an orgasm
THEON: jfc you could piss on her to mark your territory and it’d be less obvious than your dumbass threats
JON: Okay second of all, gross
And THIRD, get out of my head!!!!
THEON: LOL what you’ve actually thought ‘i wanna put my pouty mouth to work for once in my life’ ??
JON: Bet your perverted ass I have
THEON: you are in RARE FORM tonight my friend i suggest you channel all this robust sexual energy into a few well-worded texts to sansa so you can both get laid and like, actually thoroughly enjoy it. maybe have an orgasm for once that doesn’t involve your hand, a picture of sansa, and ‘hungry eyes’ playing on repeat while you jerk it
JON: ‘Hungry Eyes’ is not a masturbatory song
THEON: are you kidding
~not a masturbatory song~ bitch you can masturbate to anything like ?????
mate i could jerk it to ‘cotton-eye joe’ if i had to
JON: Never say anything like that to me ever again
JON: Sansa I’m typing this without thinking it through first so please GOD don’t judge my total lack of finesse but I think you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and I want to see more of you
JON: I resent that
I just took a shot of whiskey and texted Sansa
I don’t even like whiskey. It’s just the only thing Robb had in the cupboard
THEON: hold on let me get this straight
THEON: you drank robb’s whiskey……
…...just so you could pluck up the courage to send dirty messages to his sister??
JON: Ah, shit
THEON: *~oh what a wonderful world… ~*
SANSA: You want to… see… more… of me?
JON: Well I was thinking… naked, was the idea.
JON: Did I not properly convey that?
SANSA: Maybe? Or maybe it’s just me, I’ve had a terribly long day, unrequited sexual advances included
(Not to say YOUR sexual advances are unrequited, just that I’m afraid things tend to go over my head, so perhaps I completely missed the point of what you were saying?)
(Oh gods I’ve had a bottle and a half of wine and I just… don’t know what’s going on at all)
JON: Who was hitting on you??
SANSA: Really, that’s your immediate takeaway from that mess of messages?
SANSA: God, Jon, it’s nothing, reel in the neanderthal a bit.
JON: WHO WAS HITTING ON SANSA
THEON: are we seriously still having a conversation? shouldn’t you be BUSY?
THEON: ffs not this again
hold on i’ll c/p it
THEON: ‘I have had quite possibly the longest day of my life. Do you know, Aunt Lysa commissioned me to do an entire wardrobe’s worth of evening gowns for her Daughters of the Vale charity group, so of course I had to make the grueling drive up that godforsaken mountain for the preliminary fittings. Then I was at the Eyrie Centre with them ALL DAY, meanwhile Lysa’s skeevy boyfriend Petyr was breathing down my neck, never mind the fact that I could have stabbed my knitting needles into his jugular if I wanted to and OH I WANTED TO, but quite honestly I want the cheque more, so…’
THEON: now get the hell out of our chat and do something useful with yourself
JON: BAELISH?? God I hate that guy
SANSA: Have you been talking to Theon? Must’ve, as he’s the only one I told.
SANSA: Well who else am I supposed to tell? Arya? Ha! She would actually murder him, you do realize that.
JON: Fine so I’ll go with you next time.
SANSA: What, you’ll take the four-hour roundtrip drive up to the Vale and drink room-temperature sherry (because those women WILL make you drink sherry with them) all day, just so you can scowl at Petyr every time he calls me ‘sweetling’?
JON: Not quite, no. I’m going to take the four-hour roundtrip drive up to the Vale and drink room-temperature sherry all day, so that every time Baelish so much as looks your way, I’ll be overcome with the desire to exhibit a very public display of the most indecent affection
JON: aka I’m gonna kiss your face off
JON: It’ll be tremendously unsightly. Your mother will be receiving a call from your very offended aunt, who will proceed to snark about her daughter’s abysmal taste in men. IF ONLY Cat had been kinder to Harry Hardyng at that benefit for the preservation of the mountain clans last month, because he’d been sweet on Sansa up until her mother ““accidentally”” upended a tray of canapes into his lap… then maybe Sansa would be dating an upstanding, respectable young man instead of that uncouth, can’t-even-do-up-his-own-tie Jon Snow
JON: Incidentally, I CAN do up my own tie. I lied to you last month so you’d help me.
I’m not even sorry for it, either, it was amazing
The single most erotically-charged moment of my life
SANSA: Well after a line like that, thank god I’m not dating Harry because you’ve just swept me off my feet.
JON: That’s all you’ve got to say to my fevered declaration??
SANSA: You’ve given me a lot of information in a very short stretch of time!
JON: I’m sorry, love, have I overwhelmed you?
SANSA: A BIT.
JON: And now she’s capslocking at me!
You really have had a bottle and a half of wine, haven’t you? I thought maybe you were being facetious
SANSA: Seeing as how you know what sort of day I’ve had, I’m not even going to dignify that question with a response.
JON: That’s a yes, then.
SANSA: Hold on, I’m rereading your messages and…
We’re dating, now, are we? Since when?
JON: Oh, yeah, I’m your boyfriend now.
SANSA: Just like that?
JON: Mhm. I’m halfway out the door as we speak. I’m going to pick up some hellishly greasy takeaway to soak up all that wine you've had, you lush, then you’ll have a nap and afterwards we can snog on your couch.
SANSA: You’re quite the bossy boyfriend.
JON: You haven’t even seen the half of it. ;)
Key’s still in that flowerpot next to the door, yeah? Inside the ugly frog?
SANSA: Tomás is not -ugly-, he has CHARACTER.
SANSA: And what’s that wink for??
JON: We’ll discuss it once you’ve sobered up.
SANSA: Being your girlfriend’s going to be exhausting, isn’t it?
JON: I’ll be sure to see that it is. ;)
SANSA: Oh, you’re making sex jokes, I get it now.
JON: They’re not JOKES I’ll have you know that I take this very seriously
SANSA: You’re quite attractive when you’re being ridiculous, did you know that?
JON: You won’t be calling me ‘ridiculous’ when I’m done with you.
SANSA: Is that supposed to seduce me?
JON: I’ll do better in person, I promise. Countdown twelve minutes.
SANSA: :) Eager to please, are we?
JON: God, you have NO IDEA.
SANSA: You really know how to treat a girl right.
JON: Oh, love, you’ve really, REALLY seen nothing yet.
SANSA: ;) ?
JON: Damn right, ;)
ROBB: You talk to Jon at all today? He had the weekend off, thought we’d all go down to the pub when I got home from work, but he’s MIA. Not answering his phone, either.
THEON: ofc he’s not answering his phone
he probably can’t even hear the thing when he’s got his head buried between your sister’s legs
THEON: oh christ wtf is it with you and jon and all your overdramatic TYPING?
ROBB: Do you HAVE to say shit like that?? You can’t just say ‘oh he’s at Sansa’s’ and LEAVE IT?
THEON: well if that’s all i said you’d probably think they were having bible study together or something
and much as i think there likely is a lot of ‘oh god oh god oh GOD’ going on, it’s probably the more… heathen kind
THEON: get your head out of the sand, robbert
ROBB: Jesus I know he likes her, I’m not BLIND
THEON: ‘likes her’ LOL i’m surprised he hasn’t started a religion for her
our boy WORSHIPS HER
ROBB: I’d say ‘good’ but you’ve made the whole thing unbearably weird now. I need a drink. Meet at the pub in twenty?
THEON: aye aye. i’ll text the lads to meet us there
THEON: jon and sansa are fucking as we speak, robb knows about it, and now you all know too so we can make wildly inappropriate comments about it all night. meet at the pub or miss out on the roast of a lifetime!!
ARYA: i’m in
GENDRY: ^ reckon that means I’ll be there as well
ARYA: fuck yeah that’s what it means
GENDRY: Charming, babe.
MARGAERY: Delicious. Loras and I are already here. Arrived early to commandeer a spot at the bar so I could flirt with your sister all night
YARA: Marg, you’re a vision. Theon you’re an idiot. I’m slinging drinks tonight and charging everyone’s tabs to your card
THEON: worth it
JON: Why the HELL would you add Sansa and me to this groupchat??
ARYA: excuse me aren’t you supposed to be debauching my sister
SANSA: Oh, I’ve been thoroughly debauched.
MARGAERY: Who knew Jon had it in him?
JON: HEY I HAVE IT IN ME OKAY
ARYA: sounds like you had it in sansa
JON: You’re all dead to me.
Except Sansa, because she’s an angel and I’m in love with her.
THEON: hm. gross.
ARYA: get bent, theon, my sister IS an angel
MARGAERY: An absolute gem.
SANSA: Well, that considered, you’re all certainly not dead to me, but I think I’ll pass on drinks tonight. :)
JON: Fuck yeah you will
ARYA: lmao you sound like me, see gendry??
GENDRY: You’re both terrifyingly authoritative, yes, good show, babe.
JON: If you’ll all excuse me, I’m taking my authority back to bed.
Tell Robb I’ll be out of the flat this weekend, I’ll see him Monday.
THEON: haven’t i done enough for you today? tell him yourself
SANSA: Jon’s phone’s going off in about ten seconds, sorry, he’ll be unreachable for the next forty-eight hours.
YARA: om nom nom, amirite, Snow??
JON: Hit the nail right on the head, Greyjoy.
YARA: Good man.
MARGAERY: God bless.
THEON: YOU’RE WELCOME
JON left the chat
SANSA left the chat
THEON: i’ll take their silence as a ‘thank-you’
probably just means jon’s got his mouth too full to actually say anything
ARYA: jesus christ mate
see you at the pub, all
ARYA left the chat
GENDRY left the chat
MARGAERY: I’ll have a round of drinks waiting!
MARGAERY left the chat
YARA: And I’ll make sure to charge them all to your tab, Theon
YARA left the chat
THEON: *~aaaaaall byyyyy myyseeeelf…
DON’T WANNA BE
aaaaaall byyyyy myyseeeelf