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THEON: ayyyyyy

THEON: sup

THEON: yoooo. snowblower!!

THEON: um? bitch??

THEON: YO. VAG BADGER

JON: typing…

THEON: f i n a l l y

JON: ‘VAG BADGER’???

THEON: yeah you go down, don’t you?

JON: Must I answer that??

THEON: kinda? i mean i usually screenshot some of our shit to sansa and i bet she’d be interested to hear about your proclivity for pussy

JON: typing…

THEON: that’s not bad, actually. that’s what you should title your memoirs
‘a proclivity for pussy: the jon snow story’

JON: typing…

THEON: ‘with a forward by sansa stark’ bc you KNOW she’s gonna have firsthand experience provided that you give that girl what she DESERVES

JON: WHAT

THEON: jon pls. don’t tell me you don’t want sansa to sit on your face because i WILL call you out as a fucking liar

JON: To be fair that’s like the least offensive thing you’ve ever called me, so

THEON: great i don’t care

THEON: so you want to get that pussy on lockdown or what?

JON: You’re talking like a man who can actually help me to do that

THEON: are you doubting my abilities?

JON: Absolutely I am

THEON: listen you son of a bitch

JON: Don’t talk about my mother that way

THEON: actually i was referring to your father

JON: Oh.
Well then fair enough, carry on

THEON: right. as i was saying…

THEON: look, sansa’s like… my baby. i love that girl. i mean i’ve been a complete shit to her in the past but that’s bc she’s MY BABY and I’M ALLOWED. so i wouldn’t be trying to play wingman here if i didn’t know for a fact that you’re fuckin obsessed with her

JON: I… wouldn’t say ‘obsessed’...

THEON: what the fuck WOULD you say, then?

JON: typing…

JON: typing…

THEON: *middle-aged mum voice* oh this oughta be good

JON: ...okay so maybe I’d say ‘obsessed’ but can you give me a little romantic credit here??

THEON: fine you’re a ‘lovelorn byronic fool’

JON: Not BYRONIC ffs i don’t want to have an orgy I just want to go down on Sansa

THEON: jon that’s beautiful can i screenshot that for her??

JON: NO?? She’ll think I’m some sort of sex-crazed maniac!!

THEON: yes but a committed, MONOGAMOUS sex-crazed maniac

 


 

THEON: LINK: “I Wanna Sex You Up” - Color Me Badd

SANSA: Explain.

THEON: that’s what jon wants to do to you
specifically, with his tongue

SANSA: Evidentiary support??

THEON: you’re a terrible conversationalist

SANSA: I have had quite possibly the longest day of my life. Do you know, Aunt Lysa commissioned me to do an entire wardrobe’s worth of evening gowns for her Daughters of the Vale charity group, so of course I had to make the grueling drive up that godforsaken mountain for the preliminary fittings. Then I was at the Eyrie Centre with them ALL DAY, meanwhile Lysa’s skeevy boyfriend Petyr was breathing down my neck, never mind the fact that I could have stabbed my knitting needles into his jugular if I wanted to and OH I WANTED TO, but quite honestly I want the cheque more, so…

SANSA: Anyway, home now, and I’ve already started drinking heavily.

THEON: well in the case, mon cherie, i’ll convince jon to nut up and declare his sexual intentions to you
out of the GOODNESS OF MY HEART

SANSA: Oh, fuck off, Theon.

THEON: good god you’re tetchy today

SANSA: Make this worth my while or I’m blocking your number, and then you can kiss your spontaneous baked goods GOODBYE.

THEON: you’re a MONSTER

SANSA: I’m an exhausted woman with nothing left to lose.

THEON: but you make desperation look so good, it’s practically a fashion statement
i won’t let you down

SANSA: That’s what I like to hear.

 


 

THEON: i mean if you don’t want ME to tell her then at the very least i think you should tell her yourself.
‘i wanna go down on you’
she’d probably be into that. like she’s had how many boyfriends explicitly talk shit to her face?

JON: Don’t remind me or I’ll have to kick all their asses again. Which… I mean, I could do it again, easy, but I think they’ve all relocated

THEON: god that’s right you DID kick all their asses.
oh my GOD LMAO MAN YOU’RE SO TRANSPARENT

JON: Yeah, well… yeah, I am.

THEON: XD XD XD
okay okay ANYWAY

THEON: back to my point. sansa’s exes are all fuckin dicks who had no problem talking shit straight to her. so why don’t you, y’know, talk ~sweet~ to her?? ayyyyyyyy?

JON: I’m not sure what you’re implying and quite frankly I don’t think I want to know

THEON: TALK DIRTY TO ME JONNY

JON: …yeah, I -definitely- didn’t want to know

THEON: fuck off jon just tell sansa you wanna put your pouty mouth to work for once in your life and make her cum so hard she has an out-of-body experience

JON: First of all, YOU don’t get to talk about Sansa having an orgasm

THEON: jfc you could piss on her to mark your territory and it’d be less obvious than your dumbass threats

JON: Okay second of all, gross
And THIRD, get out of my head!!!!

THEON: LOL what you’ve actually thought ‘i wanna put my pouty mouth to work for once in my life’ ??

JON: Bet your perverted ass I have

THEON: you are in RARE FORM tonight my friend i suggest you channel all this robust sexual energy into a few well-worded texts to sansa so you can both get laid and like, actually thoroughly enjoy it. maybe have an orgasm for once that doesn’t involve your hand, a picture of sansa, and ‘hungry eyes’ playing on repeat while you jerk it

JON: ‘Hungry Eyes’ is not a masturbatory song

THEON: are you kidding
~not a masturbatory song~ bitch you can masturbate to anything like ?????
mate i could jerk it to ‘cotton-eye joe’ if i had to

JON: Never say anything like that to me ever again

THEON: coward

 


 

JON: Sansa I’m typing this without thinking it through first so please GOD don’t judge my total lack of finesse but I think you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and I want to see more of you

 


 

JON: I resent that
I just took a shot of whiskey and texted Sansa
I don’t even like whiskey. It’s just the only thing Robb had in the cupboard

THEON: hold on let me get this straight

THEON: you drank robb’s whiskey……
…...just so you could pluck up the courage to send dirty messages to his sister??

JON: typing…

JON: Ah, shit

THEON: *~oh what a wonderful world… ~*

 


 

SANSA: You want to… see… more… of me?

JON: Well I was thinking… naked, was the idea.

JON: Did I not properly convey that?

SANSA: Maybe? Or maybe it’s just me, I’ve had a terribly long day, unrequited sexual advances included
(Not to say YOUR sexual advances are unrequited, just that I’m afraid things tend to go over my head, so perhaps I completely missed the point of what you were saying?)
(Oh gods I’ve had a bottle and a half of wine and I just… don’t know what’s going on at all)

JON: Who was hitting on you??

SANSA: Really, that’s your immediate takeaway from that mess of messages?

JON: SANSA!!

SANSA: God, Jon, it’s nothing, reel in the neanderthal a bit.

 


 

JON: WHO WAS HITTING ON SANSA

THEON: are we seriously still having a conversation? shouldn’t you be BUSY?

JON: typing…

THEON: ffs not this again
hold on i’ll c/p it

THEON: ‘I have had quite possibly the longest day of my life. Do you know, Aunt Lysa commissioned me to do an entire wardrobe’s worth of evening gowns for her Daughters of the Vale charity group, so of course I had to make the grueling drive up that godforsaken mountain for the preliminary fittings. Then I was at the Eyrie Centre with them ALL DAY, meanwhile Lysa’s skeevy boyfriend Petyr was breathing down my neck, never mind the fact that I could have stabbed my knitting needles into his jugular if I wanted to and OH I WANTED TO, but quite honestly I want the cheque more, so…’

THEON: now get the hell out of our chat and do something useful with yourself

 


 

JON: BAELISH?? God I hate that guy

SANSA: Have you been talking to Theon? Must’ve, as he’s the only one I told.

JON: Why??

SANSA: Well who else am I supposed to tell? Arya? Ha! She would actually murder him, you do realize that.

JON: Fine so I’ll go with you next time.

SANSA: What, you’ll take the four-hour roundtrip drive up to the Vale and drink room-temperature sherry (because those women WILL make you drink sherry with them) all day, just so you can scowl at Petyr every time he calls me ‘sweetling’?

JON: Not quite, no. I’m going to take the four-hour roundtrip drive up to the Vale and drink room-temperature sherry all day, so that every time Baelish so much as looks your way, I’ll be overcome with the desire to exhibit a very public display of the most indecent affection

JON: aka I’m gonna kiss your face off

JON: VIGOROUSLY

JON: It’ll be tremendously unsightly. Your mother will be receiving a call from your very offended aunt, who will proceed to snark about her daughter’s abysmal taste in men. IF ONLY Cat had been kinder to Harry Hardyng at that benefit for the preservation of the mountain clans last month, because he’d been sweet on Sansa up until her mother ““accidentally”” upended a tray of canapes into his lap… then maybe Sansa would be dating an upstanding, respectable young man instead of that uncouth, can’t-even-do-up-his-own-tie Jon Snow

JON: Incidentally, I CAN do up my own tie. I lied to you last month so you’d help me.
I’m not even sorry for it, either, it was amazing
The single most erotically-charged moment of my life

SANSA: Well after a line like that, thank god I’m not dating Harry because you’ve just swept me off my feet.

JON: That’s all you’ve got to say to my fevered declaration??

SANSA: You’ve given me a lot of information in a very short stretch of time!

JON: I’m sorry, love, have I overwhelmed you?

SANSA: A BIT.

JON: And now she’s capslocking at me!
You really have had a bottle and a half of wine, haven’t you? I thought maybe you were being facetious

SANSA: Seeing as how you know what sort of day I’ve had, I’m not even going to dignify that question with a response.

JON: That’s a yes, then.

SANSA: Hold on, I’m rereading your messages and…
We’re dating, now, are we? Since when?

JON: Oh, yeah, I’m your boyfriend now.

SANSA: Just like that?

JON: Mhm. I’m halfway out the door as we speak. I’m going to pick up some hellishly greasy takeaway to soak up all that wine you've had, you lush, then you’ll have a nap and afterwards we can snog on your couch.

SANSA: You’re quite the bossy boyfriend.

JON: You haven’t even seen the half of it. ;)
Key’s still in that flowerpot next to the door, yeah? Inside the ugly frog?

SANSA: Tomás is not -ugly-, he has CHARACTER.

SANSA: And what’s that wink for??

JON: We’ll discuss it once you’ve sobered up.

SANSA: Being your girlfriend’s going to be exhausting, isn’t it?

JON: I’ll be sure to see that it is. ;)

SANSA: Oh, you’re making sex jokes, I get it now.

JON: They’re not JOKES I’ll have you know that I take this very seriously

SANSA: You’re quite attractive when you’re being ridiculous, did you know that?

JON: You won’t be calling me ‘ridiculous’ when I’m done with you.

SANSA: Is that supposed to seduce me?

JON: I’ll do better in person, I promise. Countdown twelve minutes.

SANSA: :) Eager to please, are we?

JON: God, you have NO IDEA.

SANSA: You really know how to treat a girl right.

JON: Oh, love, you’ve really, REALLY seen nothing yet.

SANSA: ;) ?

JON: Damn right, ;)

 


 

ROBB: You talk to Jon at all today? He had the weekend off, thought we’d all go down to the pub when I got home from work, but he’s MIA. Not answering his phone, either.

THEON: ofc he’s not answering his phone
he probably can’t even hear the thing when he’s got his head buried between your sister’s legs

ROBB: typing…

THEON: oh christ wtf is it with you and jon and all your overdramatic TYPING?

ROBB: Do you HAVE to say shit like that?? You can’t just say ‘oh he’s at Sansa’s’ and LEAVE IT?

THEON: well if that’s all i said you’d probably think they were having bible study together or something
and much as i think there likely is a lot of ‘oh god oh god oh GOD’ going on, it’s probably the more… heathen kind

THEON: get your head out of the sand, robbert

ROBB: Jesus I know he likes her, I’m not BLIND

THEON: ‘likes her’ LOL i’m surprised he hasn’t started a religion for her 
our boy WORSHIPS HER

ROBB: I’d say ‘good’ but you’ve made the whole thing unbearably weird now. I need a drink. Meet at the pub in twenty?

THEON: aye aye. i’ll text the lads to meet us there

ROBB: Cheers.

 


 

THEON: jon and sansa are fucking as we speak, robb knows about it, and now you all know too so we can make wildly inappropriate comments about it all night. meet at the pub or miss out on the roast of a lifetime!!

ARYA: i’m in

GENDRY: ^ reckon that means I’ll be there as well

ARYA: fuck yeah that’s what it means

GENDRY: Charming, babe.

MARGAERY: Delicious. Loras and I are already here. Arrived early to commandeer a spot at the bar so I could flirt with your sister all night

YARA: Marg, you’re a vision. Theon you’re an idiot. I’m slinging drinks tonight and charging everyone’s tabs to your card

THEON: worth it

JON: Why the HELL would you add Sansa and me to this groupchat??

ARYA: excuse me aren’t you supposed to be debauching my sister

SANSA: Oh, I’ve been thoroughly debauched.

ARYA: NICE

MARGAERY: Who knew Jon had it in him?

JON: HEY I HAVE IT IN ME OKAY

ARYA: sounds like you had it in sansa

THEON: HEY-OOOOOOOOH!

JON: You’re all dead to me.
Except Sansa, because she’s an angel and I’m in love with her.

THEON: hm. gross.

ARYA: get bent, theon, my sister IS an angel

MARGAERY: An absolute gem.

SANSA: Well, that considered, you’re all certainly not dead to me, but I think I’ll pass on drinks tonight. :)

JON: Fuck yeah you will

ARYA: lmao you sound like me, see gendry??

GENDRY: You’re both terrifyingly authoritative, yes, good show, babe.

JON: If you’ll all excuse me, I’m taking my authority back to bed.
Tell Robb I’ll be out of the flat this weekend, I’ll see him Monday.

THEON: haven’t i done enough for you today? tell him yourself

SANSA: Jon’s phone’s going off in about ten seconds, sorry, he’ll be unreachable for the next forty-eight hours.

YARA: om nom nom, amirite, Snow??

JON: Hit the nail right on the head, Greyjoy.

YARA: Good man.

MARGAERY: God bless.

THEON: YOU’RE WELCOME

JON left the chat

SANSA left the chat

THEON: i’ll take their silence as a ‘thank-you’
probably just means jon’s got his mouth too full to actually say anything

ARYA: jesus christ mate
see you at the pub, all

ARYA left the chat

GENDRY left the chat

MARGAERY: I’ll have a round of drinks waiting!

MARGAERY left the chat

YARA: And I’ll make sure to charge them all to your tab, Theon

YARA left the chat

THEON: SIGH

THEON: *~aaaaaall byyyyy myyseeeelf…
DON’T WANNA BE
aaaaaall byyyyy myyseeeelf
aaaanyyymooOOOOOORE…~*