We live in this world with two choices. Yes or No. True or Wrong. Tall or Short. Thick or Thin.
Die or Alive - Jimin
Honestly, I myself did not know what to tell about. All stories had been gone into the deep of earth - do not want to dig, to search. Want it been forgotten, want it been gone forever.
"Jimin-ah, if I die first, will you be sad ?"
I grinned - joking around to see my best friend's respond. He ignored, right hand was busying copied notes from my book.
"Aww Jiminnie, do you ignore me ?" I lied on his bed.
Still no response.
Lazy to disturb his studying, I hugged his pillow. Closed my eyes. My chest hurt, felt pain.
Only Jimin-hyung knew I diagnosed with lung cancer. Even it was only first phase, but only God knew how hurt it is.
I did not know since when I slept. Suddenly, someone pat my brown hair fondly. "Jungkookie baby, everyone will be sad if their friend far away. Of course I will be sad."
Flattered. That night, I slept on his bed. He slept on mine.
Midnight, maybe. I heard Jimin cried. I sat up. Jimin was mumbling, and I could hear my name. I wanted to sleep back due my tiredness. But his crying disturbed me.
What is wrong with him, I was joking. I did not mean to make you sad.
"Please God if you exist, please let Jungkook-ah live longer. I don't want he dies yet. Please please, put all his pains to me, let me handle his pain. Please give him happiness, he deserve them."
I could not bare to hear more.
I lied again, closing my eyes, shut out my hearing with pillow. Tears running heavily. Please God, don't give my pain to Jiminnie. I don't want he feels how I feel. I don't want him suffer. Please God. I can bare with these. These pain are for me not him. He do not deserve this.
The next morning, felt like there was nothing happened. Jimin woke me up as usual.
When we were about to get out, I gripped Jimin's arm. "Hyung.."
He cocked an eyebrow. "Yes ?"
"I actually .."
I also did not know what I want to say
"You what ?"
"Oh my God, just say it."
"I'm hungry. He he."
Jimin shook his head while chuckling. "Oh my god, you're so cute. Let's go to canteen then, I treat you. But after that, you need to do vocal training with me."
I nod - even I usually made excuse to escape.
Listening to Jimin's voice, it is a God's gift.
Jimin-hyung sang a beautiful song with his calm face.
Then it was my turn. Jimin-hyung listened.
Through my singing, I noticed, Jimin stared at my face with his intense gaze yet fondly. I myself did not know which way to look for. If we made eye contact, it will be awkward haha.
Before this, I always avoid to make eye contact, because I feel embarrassing with him. Jimin is too kind. He should deserve a friend that better than me.
Now, when his eyes cannot open again, I start missing those brown eyes.
"Woah Jungkookie ! Your voice is so amazing !"
"Why you suddenly praise me ? I will treat you, don't worry."
We laughed together.
"Jungkook-ah, if I die first .."
I immediately put my finger to his lips, shook my head vigorously. "I don't want you to die first. You promised to not leave me."
Jimin took a deep breath.
"Hyung... I feel anxious to go back to Seoul. Can we cancel the flight ticket ? Please ?"
"Stop over think Jungkook-ah. Everything is going to be fine." He pat my shoulder, giving me his brightest smile.
I gave him my bunny smile that he loves so much.
Jimin-ah, from your voice.. I knew. You also think the same way as mine. But you denied it - did not wanna to make me worried.
Before we went to airport, I gave you my cover 'Dear No One' - his favourite song.
You listened. Then smiled widely till it reached your eyes.
"Thank you Kookie. I love your voice so much. I will cherish this." You grabbed my hand tightly to get into the airport.
And we used flight together, sit beside each other.
When we went back to Seoul, seat beside me was empty. You had gone.
Jimin-hyung, you promised to not leave me.
I miss you...
I promise, I will never open death topic again. I will never tell you my chest pain anymore. I will never, never let you see me puke my own blood.
You once asked me to cook, because you wanted to taste my cooking. Now I know how to cook - your favourite meal. Were not you want to taste it ?
Human need to be strong .
You adviced me before.
But how ? You were gone before I can ask that.
The rain poured heavily. Coldness.
I looked outside, since my study table in front of the window.
Darkness. The night became darker.
Two years ago, this room never become silent. I smiled when that thought hit me.
I did not know why, during exam month, the longing feeling thickened as thick as the winter before. Or maybe, it way thicker.
Furthermore, in this final year, I spend more time studying than sleeping. Mathematics and medical. Sometimes my brain cannot figure which one is reality or a dream.
I continued my writing. My left hand calculated with fast force. I want to avoid using my calculator - want to train my brain haha.
Without my realisation, there were red spots fell on my note book.
"Oh shit." I quickly grabbed my handkerchief, wiping the nosebleeds away.
As I wanted to continue my writing, suddenly Jimin-hyung came.
"Kookie-ah, are you okay ?!"
I whipped my head to him. "Eh, Jiminie-hyung."
My hand trembled. What is hyung doing here at 3 o'clock in the morning ? Is not he died ?
Jimin smiled worriedly. He sat on his bed that was not been disturb. Jungkook does not want to change a bit Jimin's bed like how the owner left at the last time.
"I want to meet you. I miss you, Jungkook-ah."
I did not know what was my feeling. Between scared and longing, longing is stronger.
I immediately went towards him. I put my head to Jimin's shoulder then I cried my heart out.
"Hyung... How dare you leave me alone. How dare you die first. How dare you, hyung."
He pat my head. "I'm sorry, Kookie." Jimin whispered slowly.
Jimin's voice. That voice, I miss it.
"You have none mistake with me, Jimin-ah. Oh gosh, nothing, hyung." I felt so weak. My tears flowed heavier than the rain outside.
You are too kind for me, Jimin. I coughed. Too kind for someone like me.
"Jungkookie, you should not mourning about me again." He chuckled darkly.
I grabbed Jimin's hands tightly. Jimin grabbed back. His hands are cold - cold as if he has no blood.
"I cannot. I love you, Jimin-hyung. Very very much."
I lifted my head, looking at Jimin's calm face. Pale, but full of calmness.
He held my head with his hands.
"Kookie-ah, promise with me. Whatever happen, I don't want you to give up. I always adviced you, giving up only for loser. And who is loser now ?"
I nodded understanding. "I will try."
"I don't want you try." Jimin wiped my tears. "I want you giving your best." He continued.
Jungkook lowered his head. He did not know how but he knew Jimin's time was almost end. So he tugged Jimin's shirt. "Jimin-hyung, please don't leave me again." He whined.
Jimin shook his head before smiling widely. "I will never leave you. My advices, hold them in your heart. Think they are me. If you walk my advice, I'm still alive."
Jungkook did not know how it happened. He was on his study table again. Jimin suddenly gone from his sight. Everything was just like ... a blink of eyes.
"Jungkook, wake up." Someone shook Jungkook's shoulder.
He woke up. His notebook wet from his nosebleeds mixed with tears.
Hoseok and Taehyung were beside him. Their faces full of worried.
"Where is Jimin-hyung ?" Jungkook asked, half-conscious.
"Jiminie is not here. Jungkook, your blood is too much." Taehyung tried to wipe his nosebleeds that had covering his face. Hoseok cleaned his table which full of blood.
"Why you guys are here ?"
"We want to invite you for breakfast. But you act like a dead person. We had never waking you for twenty minutes but not making any move. Do you want us to call teacher ?" Hoseok asked worriedly.
Jungkook ignored. Instead he asked, "What time it is now ?"
"8:00 a.m." Taehyung answered.
Jungkook suddenly smiled. "Jimin-hyung visited me just now."