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Resentment

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Sometimes, I wonder if you're worth all this trouble.

I've never even admitted this to Tamahome, or Nuriko. Until just now, I didn't even want to admit it to myself, because I promised that my first wish once I summoned Suzaku was to free you, to bring you back to my side so we could go home and go to high school together. All the pain, all the abuse, all the loss, everything I've done or put myself through was for you.

But sometimes I wonder if I should even bother.

Every letter I sent comes back, torn to pieces. Every time I try to sneak over to visit your camp, your bodyguard or that bastard who killed Tamahome's family chases me away. Lady Yui wants nothing to do with you, little girl, hurry up and die so she can be happy, they say. And then, in the desert...

Do you even know what those three tried to do? Did Suboshi tell you what he was planning? I want to believe you'd be horrified if you knew, but that small, dark part of me wonders if you even care. Tasuki says you're probably glad for it. He hates you, thinks I'm wasting my time trying to help you when all you want is to hurt me, and I've defended you every time.

But it's getting harder and harder to hope.

I'm not as dumb as you think, Yui. As much as I want to live happily ever after with Tamahome, I know very well it might not happen. No matter how strongly we love each other, we're from two different worlds; he can't come to Tokyo, and I can't stay here in the book's world.

Tamahome is a dream I long for, but may never have. You've always been the reality, right by my side. The one I could count on.

You used to promise you'd protect me, Yui. When the bullies made fun of me after Dad walked out, you hit them away. When Mom yelled at me for getting a bad grade, you helped me study. You interviewed every boy who liked me to make sure he'd be nice, while turning down all those dates so you could be with me.

You loved me, Yui, and I loved you, too. I thought you knew that.

Tamahome believes I can save you, and he'd never let me give up on you. That used to be enough, but lately, every time I think of you I think of what Suboshi said. What he and Nakago and Tomo tried to do, what Tasuki says every time I mention you.

I defend you, but lately I'm wondering why, and it scares me. I'm so angry at you sometimes, Yui, I feel like I just want to forget you, and everyone else, and make my selfish, naive wish come true. Or use my wishes for anything but saving you. Maybe you don't even want to be saved, you seem perfectly fine hiding behind Nakago and letting Suboshi do your bidding.

Maybe Tasuki's right. Maybe it's not worth it. Gods, it makes me sick just to think such things, but you don't know how tiring it is to hope when all you get in return is pain.

I love you, but it's so hard to love someone who wants nothing more than to hurt you.