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Alexithymia

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It's funny how life works. One moment, there was nothing and next, life! Everything just shows up in a matter of seconds. Next thing we knew, everything begins to grow. Sure, it takes nearly a billion years to get what we have today but who questions it? We're all happy with what life has made for us. Well, I believe happiness is the right word. I never experienced the emotion but I was told it was supposed to the idea of satisfaction but on a different level.

My brother explained to me that happiness was like feeling the sun on one's skin. I didn't know what he meant until spring came a few days after he gave his explanation to me. I can understand his words but I felt nothing when the wind went through of what was left of my hair. I did not feel content or the giggling feeling my brother experienced as he rolled down the hill we sat on to enjoy the change in weather.

I did not feel anything. I was empty. It was something that I was accustom to when I first realized I was different from other kids. My family, well, they weren't so accepting of it.

My brother would try different ways to get me to smile. A real smile. Not the ones where I would give to tell him that I thought his duels were excellent or that I am alright whenever he asks about my condition. He doesn't seem to understand why I can't feel emotions like he does and he's trying to find a way to solve that.

I told him multiple times to not worry about it. I was born broken and I was fine being broken. He never listens.

I watch him duel, listening to the crowd's wild cheers whenever he pulls off a move to entertain them. I will admit, his dueling style is unique and I can see the appeal of it. The only problem is I can't express these thoughts the way I believe my brother needs to hear. Strangely, I never felt frustration when my thoughts drift to that.

Is it possible to have a dilemma when you don't feel any sort vexation from it?

That was one answer I could never find. To this day, where the fire consumes the land, deafening screams bouncing off the chard remains. Meanwhile, a sinister, deep voice that's filled with untamable madness enters my ears as I lay on the destruction of what was once a bright green meadow with colorful flowers that used to stick out every now and then. Now, all that was left is a charred ground with dirt sticking to my clothes while ashes fly through the air.

I had so many memories of him running through this meadow, none of them was filled with any sort of emotion. Even now, I can't feel anything.

And do you know what was the most frustrating thing about all of this? I can't even be frustrated at my lack of emotions.

Quite the dilemma, huh? I certainly think so.

So, I bet you're all wondering how I got into this mess? Well, it's actually an ironic story. I bet someone would find this very funny because I understand ironic situations can hold a bit of humor to them. Remember how I said that we humans are happy with what life has given us? Well, what happens if there was one who wasn't satisfied with what was given to them? What if that human demands for something that's better than what was given to them?

Obviously, the universe responded in kind and gave that human what they desired. When the other humans saw that they can get more than what was given, they ask for the same thing to be a better version of itself. The universe gave them what they wanted. It soon became an endless cycle of the universe trying to satisfy the humans' endless needs.

Then came the day where the universe couldn't provide their desires anymore. So many resources were taken to make what the humans want but their products came at such a fast rate that not all the resources could come back in time. Although the universe tried to explain to them that it couldn't provide them anymore, the humans didn't take it well. Chaos was born as humans kept demanding for more, causing torture and misery everywhere they go.

Why am I saying all of this? Because this is my life. My brother had always wanted to put a real smile on my face and he thought that if he got the crowd's input, one day he could make me smile. So, he listened to the crowd. Gave in to their desires of what they wanted to see in a duel. He listened to them because he had a mindset that if he could make so many people smile, maybe there was a chance to get his sister to smile.

So, he experimented with his new dueling styles. I would watch him practice before he goes onto the field. I could hear the crowd cheering loudly in my ear but I never enjoyed them. I just gave out these small smiles whenever I see my brother winning.

When one experiment failed, he tried another.

The only time I step in was when his dueling became violent and he actually sent a person to the hospital.

But he didn't listen to me. He just kept going on with what the crowd wanted.

A year passed and he finally realized that I was broken. Nothing he did could fix me.

That devastated him. He wanted me to smile more than anything in the world.

Fate is cruel, little brother.

He had tried to tell the crowd that he could no longer perform these violent duels since his purpose for them has failed. The crowd roared, they wanted more violent entertainment and their only source of that entertainment could no longer provide that. The started to scream, cry, and beg for him to continue these violent duels but he refused.

Then they turned their hatred and greed on me.

That was what killed my brother and gave birth to the Devil that's currently destroying the world around me.

But all I could think about at that moment was my brother; the boy whose sole purpose of being born was to make me feel emotions, the boy that I had to raise when our home wasn't right for him anymore, the boy that I had to sell my own hair for, the boy who I let die and played a part in creating this monster.

I wonder when that monster was going to notice me and destroy me like the rest of the humans.

"You need to get out of here!"

I blink open my eyes and turn my head in the direction where I heard the voice yell.

There stood the Goddess, duel disk ready to defeat the Devil that's running amuck in our world.