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film sluts

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KNJ created the group Film 203 Group Project

KNJ added KSJ , MYG , JHS , KTH , and JJK to Film 203 Group Project


KNJ: Hey guys. Sorry I didn’t really have the chance to talk to any of you after class ended. But it looked like everyone was pretty busy and had other classes to get to. Also- I couldn’t read Park Jimin’s username off the contact sheet, does anyone have him already?

KTH: hiiiiiii hey hi, i have jiminnie’s address we’re bffs

KTH: gimmie admin rights and i’ll add him?


KNJ has made KTH an admin

KTH has removed KNJ from Film 203 Group Project

KTH is now the owner of Film 203 Group Project

KTH added PJM to Film 203 Group Project

KTH added KNJ to Film 203 Group Project

KTH renamed Film 203 Group Project to film sluts


KNJ: What just happened?




KNJ: Did you really just stage a coup?

KSJ: kim taehyung!!!

KSJ: i agreed to let you be in a group with me with the express promise that you WOULDN’T do something like this!!!

KSJ: i said “tae i’m sorry but i can’t be in a group with you if you won’t take it seriously” and you promised you could!!!


KTH renamed KSJ to liar


KTH: wow i can’t believe my cousin is a dirty liar

KTH: you said i HAD to be in a group with you because we don’t spend enough time together

PJM: tae out here spilling tea


KTH renamed KTH to teatae

KTH renamed PJM to sidekick


sidekick: seriously?

teatae: xoxoxoxoxo i love youuuuuuuuu

liar: WOW i can’t believe you’re this fucking rude you little shit



teatae renamed liar to liar hyung


teatae: bbetter?

KNJ: Can we just circle back to the fact that you just staged a coup to get control of a group chat for a year long project in an all years high school class?

KNJ: How much of this was a setup? Was Jimin’s handwriting so atrocious on purpose?

sidekick: hey… it’s not THAT bad

KNJ: Who else was in on it? That scared looking freshman?

JJK: i’m not actually a freshman…

teatae: AHH

teatae: HE SPEAKS

JJK: uh hi


teatae renamed JJK to lurker


lurker: uh okay

liar hyung: i sincerely apologize to everyone in advance for my fucking cousin

teatae: shut up hyung ANYWAY jiminnie’s handrwriting was not a setup it was all just a hpapy little coincidence and isn’t this better anyway also the lurking freshman was nOT part of it he looks like that one weak bitch not down with murder

sidekick: 10 bucks says he’s a narc

lurker: i’m not a freshman or a narc

KNJ: Maybe we should talk about the group project? Like what kind of film we want to produce?

liar hyung: i mean maybe, but shouldn’t we wait for the others to arrive?

liar hyung: we’re still missing two

KNJ: Oh, right, one second. Hobi’s beside me, he’s playing some game on his phone but I’ll have him say hello.

JHS: oh shit whaddup??? hey boys and girls how are we all

teatae: omg are you guys friends irl or something?

JHS: yeah boy joonie is my Good Pal!!!!!!!!!!!!

JHS: even if he is now little more than a tragically deposed ruler

teatae: omg


teatae renamed KNJ to deposed ruler


deposed ruler: :/

liar hyung: we’re just missing one now

liar hyung: anyone actually know who “MYG” is?

deposed ruler: Oh, yeah. That’s Min Yoongi, I had to get his address from Prof. Bang because he didn’t actually show up today.

JHS: min yoongi?

sidekick: MIN yoongi?

deposed ruler: ...Yes, why?

sidekick: nothing

JHS: no reason!!!!! i think he’s in one of my comp classes or smth idk!!!!!

lurker: you’re being weird, do you like him or something?


lurker: i’m not actually a freshman, and i haven’t exactly struck before but uh thanks

teatae: JIMIN JIMIN JIMIN JIMIN JIMIN JIMIN JIMIN JIMIN I love this lurking freshman lets adopt him hes so weird and cute and awkward

lurker: uh

sidekick: omg yes

sidekick: haha also if you do like him it’s nothing to be ashamed of! is he cute?

JHS: no no no guys it’s really not that hahah!!!!! this is so wild no ide remember what he looks like tbh!!!!!!!!

liar hyung: sweetie it’s okay to have crushes, you know.

JHS: ik ik ik ofc it is it’s just not that i just remembered the name, honest!!!!!!!!!! :)

deposed ruler: Guys, Hobi’s telling the truth, and you’ve got him looking really frantic now, so maybe we can just drop it?


teatae renamed JHS to yoongi lover


teatae: sure we can drop it :)

yoongi lover: ………

yoongi lover: dude wtf!!!!!!!!!

MYG: wtf.

liar hyung: OH SHIT hahaha

deposed ruler: Yoongi, hi.

MYG: wtf is this shit.

deposed ruler: Sorry, you were absent today so you might not have the same context as everyone, I probably should have PMd you to explain. But essentially in Prof. Bang’s film class we were assigned a group project to fully produce a silent film. We have the whole year to actually work on the project and we’re all meant to take on real roles in film production to give us a good idea of what it’s like (Director, Camera, Sound Production, Casting, Storyboarding, etc. etc.) In the next couple weeks we’ll get to sign up for our shooting days at the end of the year. We get a weekend to shoot with an advisor (two eight hour days), and a weekend to edit with an advisor (another two eight hour days). The film’s supposed to be small, only around five mins and we aren’t allowed to work with any kind of dialogue because they don’t trust any of us with expensive boom mics.

teatae: so THATS what this group is for

teatae: tbh i just saw a piece of paper asking for my contact info and i was like this may as well happen todayy

liar hyung: i’m telling auntie you aren’t paying attention in class

teatae: no ur not i have way too much blackmail material

MYG: ...okay. who’s the annoying kid with admin rights?

teatae: I’M TAE

MYG: good for you. change that one kid’s name back. it shouldn’t have shit to do with me.

yoongi lover: OMG i’m so sorry hi i’m sorry i promise i’m not some weird stalker with a weird stalker crush on you omg hi i’m hobi hi

MYG: hi.

teatae: i will nOT change it back i WILL however introduce myself and all of you should too so we are all on the same page!!!!

teatae: i AM kim taehyung but call me tae or tae tae literally it’s better UM i am 16 and a sophomore and i have been in america for three (3) years originally from daegu my focus stream is photography but i take a bunch of fine art electives cause i like painting and also jimin is my best friend in the entire world and i’m also really hot

teatae: observe

teatae: bow down binches

lurker: we all know what you look like, we saw you in class

teatae: yoongi didn’t and besides rl doesnt do me justice i take great fucking selcas

teatae: someone else go!!

yoongi lover: i will if you change my name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yoongi lover: change my name after, okay???

yoongi lover: okay!!!!

yoongi lover: hoseok jung, but you can call me hobi!!!!! 17, a junior, i’m in the dance stream and do choreo for the freshman class!!!!!!!!! ummmmmmm what else i like long walks on the beach and not having my screen name changed to something that makes complete!!! strangers!!!!!! uncomfy!!!!! also i was born in the states i guess that’s a thing we’re announcing?

yoongi lover: it me

liar hyung: omg is that a lobster

lurker: he’s beauty and he’s grace

deposed ruler: He’s not doing himself justice, here: Exposing Hobi's visuals.

teatae: hot

teatae: jimmie look how cute he is

MYG: that’s you?

yoongi lover: OMG joon get tf out of here also yeah haha!!!!! it’s me y do u ask?? :)

MYG: you look familiar.

yoongi lover: what a coincidence i think i recognized your name haha maybe we have a class together???? anyway joon it’s your turn go!!!!

deposed ruler: ...Sure.

deposed ruler: Namjoon Kim, 17, a junior. My focus stream is film studies (with an aim at screenwriting). I was born in Florida but actually moved up here to NY when I got a scholarship to this school. I’m also the president of the GSA and I’m the Vice Chair of the Model UN. This is me, the photo is from a couple months ago so my hair’s different now, but you get the idea: I was blond.

liar hyung: omg, blond hair really suited you

deposed ruler: Aha, thanks. You have Hobi to thank for that, I lost a bet to him.

liar hyung: maybe you should lose another bet hon

deposed ruler: Let’s hear about you now!

liar hyung: sure lolololol i am kim seokjin or just jin is fine, i’m 18 and a senior, i’m in the acting stream and i came to the states a year ago to make sure my fucking shit head of a cousin didn’t get himself killed :)

teatae: lying again hyung……….


liar hyung: haha what are you talking about i have the texts from auntie to prove otherwise




[Private Chat: eatjin to taebae]


eatjin: seriously, don’t, i don’t want to talk about it.

taebae: okay okay okay i’m sorry hyung




[film sluts]


liar hyung: anyway, i’m also super hot (it’s a family trait): link!

deposed ruler: Oh wow, selfiess suit you.

deposed ruler: *selfies




[Private Chat: hoehoe to Joon]


hoehoe: “selfies suit you”??? really???

Joon: I panicked okay!

hoehoe: you’ve been thirsting over this guy since his plane touched down and the best you can do is ‘selfies suit you’???????????????????

Joon: Listen.

Joon: Did you see his lips how was I supposed to form coherent and even relatively charming thought after that.

Joon: Besides, you can’t give me any shit with how much of an ass you’re making of yourself in front of Min Yoongi.

Joon: What’s that about, anyway? I would have thought you’d tell me if you had such a big crush.

hoehoe: omg omg no its actually lITERALLY Not What You Think i swear

Joon: Are you going to tell me what it is, or what it isn’t?

hoehoe: i promise i will i just

hoehoe: have to be sure




[film sluts]


liar hyung: you’re such a sweetheart, keep up with the compliments and you’ll have me flustered xoxoxo



lurker: i’m jungkook jeon, i’m a SOPHOMORE and fifteen, i doubled up my stream focuses so i’m in the vocal and fine art departments.

lurker: uh, what else

lurker: i also like sports but can’t really do them here since its an arts school?

lurker: here



teatae renamed lurker to actual toddler


actual toddler: uh

actual toddler: not better

deposed ruler: Wait, how are you doubling focuses at all? I mean, they don’t even let seniors do that. And if you’re fifteen SHOULDN’T you be a freshman?

actual toddler: i kinda skipped a grade in middle school

actual toddler: and uh

actual toddler: idk i just asked the department heads if i could and they said yes as long as i didnt get overwhelemd and idk, i really like dance but i also really like art so i’m just kinda

actual toddler: uh doing both


teatae renamed actual toddler to genius toddler


genius toddler: still not really better, but okay

teatae: shut up where did jimin go its hIS TURN

teatae: or yoongi’s i guess we need a face reveal at some point

yoongi lover: hey speaking of!!!!!!! you were supposed to change my name!!!!!!!!!

teatae: i never agreed to that :)


sidekick: sorry sorry i’m just doing smth rn yoongi can go first!!!!!!!!

MYG: no thanks.

teatae: not a choice :)

yoongi lover: haha i mean the rest of us did it so you probably should too??

yoongi lover: but i mean if you really dont want to i guess we’ll see you tomorrow anyway!!!!!

genius toddler: and just bombard you with questions then…


MYG: fine.

MYG: min yoongi. 18. junior. also from daegu. came to the states three months ago. music production stream.

MYG: link.

teatae: ……………… idk what i was expecting but it wasn’t that

genius toddler: same

deposed leader: Same.

sidekick: same

teatae: if you have time to comment you have time do do your intro!!!

yoongi lover: wow that’s really you huh haha wow!!!!!

deposed leader: Hobi what the fuck.

liar hyung: seriously??

MYG: anyway. are you guys going to shut up or are we going to talk about this stupid project?




[Private Chat: JINteresting to yoon]


JINteresting: you want to tell me why you lied?

yoon: idk. sorry.

JINteresting: you don’t want them to know we know each other?

yoon: idk, it’s not that.

JINteresing: yoongi

yoon: don’t tell them i lied. just go along with it. please?

JINteresting: i will, but i’m coming over with something to eat

yoon: you don’t have to check up on me, i’m fine.

JINteresting: and yet, i’m still coming over

yoon: fine, whatever.




[film sluts]


teatae renamed MYG to jack skellington


jack skellington:


jack skellington has left film sluts

teatae has added jack skellington to film sluts



sidekick: jack skellington lmfao tae

sidekick: mmkay anyway i’m jimin park i’m also 16 and a junior i am in the dance stream and as tae said we’re bffs. um what else…


sidekick: yeah i HAVE A GREAT ASS and um that’s about it there’s not a lot to me after that just that i love my friends to death and also dance is lyfe(™)

sidekick: i’m cute as hell so at least we know i have one thing in common with the rest of you all

deposed leader: Okay, now that we’ve all been introduced can we please talk about the project?




KTH created the group operation tim burton

KTH added PJM and JJK to operation tim burton

KTH renamed KTH to eagle 1

KTH renamed PJM to eagle 2

KTH renamed JJK to eagle 3


eagle 1: kookie you’re here since we’re officially adopting you sorry jimin you were busy doing """something""" so i made the executive decision

eagle 1: anyway i think something has become ABUNDANTLY clear


eagle 3: uh i guess not

eagle 1: SO………………. LETS GET THEM TOGETHER!!!!!!!

eagle 2: tae, idk if that’s a good idea

eagle 1: wait, what?

eagle 1: why??

eagle 2: i don’t think yoongi is who he says he is

Chapter Text

[ film sluts ]


deposed leader: Okay, now that we’ve all been introduced can we please talk about the project?

liar hyung: i think the first thing we should decide is who should fill what roles

deposed leader: You wouldn’t rather get our idea first and work on story, then decide who would fit what best depending on that?

liar hyung: well as far as i know, none of us are established filmmakers with crazy specific styles yet, right?

liar hyung: so i don’t know what the worst thing could happen, i think we should play to our strengths

liar hyung: so joonie, you said you’re film studies with a focus on screen writing, right? you should probably either write our script or direct, in that case.

liar hyung: tae and jungkook are both in the fine art department, they would be really good at setting up shots - camera work and stuff. as well as maybe storyboarding

liar hyung: then since yoongi is music production, he can be in charge of sound and music… we might not be allowed to have dialogue or mess with sound mixing, but we CAN use ambient noise picked up by the camera and ofc, we’ll need music

liar hyung: jimin and hoseok, you guys seem like you’ve got the best people skills, all things considered (and tae before you argue, DONT, trying to sell people lizards doesn’t count as people skills), so you guys should be in charge of location scouting - we’ll need permission to shoot anywhere off campus and that’s going to be a LOT easier with some sunny personalities in charge of it.

liar hyung: finally, i can be in charge of casting, i know tons of theatre kids who will literally claw out each other’s eyes to be in front of a real camera, student film or not.

deposed leader:

jack skellington:

genius toddler:


yoongi lover:

deposed leader: i think we’ve got our production manager, too.




[Private Chat: Joon to hoehoe ]


Joon: Oh ym god he called me

Joon: Joonie.

hoehoe: i call you joonie all the time omg

Joon: But are you Kim Seokjin?

Joon: No you are NOT.

Joon: And did you see the way he just.

Joon: He did that Hobi he just went for it.

Joon: He’s just. Wow.


Joon renamed Joon to Joonie


hoehoe: i can’t believe i’m the one telling you to!!!! chill!!!!!

Joonie: I can’t either.

Joonie: This is an amazing day.

hoehoe: so when will you be ummmmmm making a move???

hoehoe: releasing me from the prison that is your love life?????

hoehoe: asking him out so i can stop hearing about his lips?????

hoehoe: all of the????? above???????

Joonie: I love jokes.

hoehoe: joon come on don’t start this shit again

Joonie: It’s just I mean… He’s out there like, THAT, and I’m just here, and it’s like wow, what is a chance? Oh, chances don’t exist? Thank you for telling me, I guess I’ll go fuck myself.

hoehoe: do nOT >CCC

hoehoe: make me >CCCC


hoehoe: seriously joon he’s not like…….. better than you

hoehoe: like at all!!!!!!! you guys are on an equal level here!!!!!!!! so stop doing this to yourself!!!!!!!!!! you’re allowed to crush but you are nOT allowed to put yourself down to faciliate the crush okay??????

Joonie: I know, it’s just…

Joonie: Thanks.


Joonie: I know I know, you don’t ‘gotta’.


hoehoe: FULL HOMO, NO ROMO!!!!!!!

Joonie: Full homo, no romo.




[ film sluts ]


jack skellington: really, i can just do the music?

liar hyung: well, not JUST since we’re all supposed to help with stuff like concept development and lighting and camera work but that’ll be your main job, yeah

jack skellington: awesome.

teatae: is he being sarcastic?

teatae: i cant tell


jack skellington:

sidekick: was THAT sarcastic?

jack skellington: oh my god.

liar hyung: he’s not being sarcastic tae omg

teatae: mmmmmmmmmhm pretty baselessly confident in that assertion huh hyung???

sidekick: yeah jin how would you know?

liar hyung: because i’m great at reading people and everyone should listen to me all of the time? obviously…

jack skellington: you’re all being way too deep.

jack skellington: i like music, i’m excited to do the music on this project.

genius toddler: uh no offence but i read literally everything you say in this really really flat monotone like if you gave a gargoyal the ability to speak and then took away everything that brought him even the tiniest sliver of emotion thus rendering him not robotic but instead an empty presence filling a cold stone body, that’s what you sound like in my head

jack skellington: did someone once tell you that prefacing something with ‘no offense’ makes it magically non offensive?

jack skellington: cause bad news there brat, they lied.

genius toddler: uh

genius toddler: sorry i meant more like

genius toddler: sorry there’s really no way out of looking like a dick here is there

jack skellington: idc, but one day you might run your mouth at someone sensitive.

jack skellington: so. you might wanna deal with that.


teatae renamed genius toddler to savage toddler


savage toddler: still not better




[ operation tim burton ]


eagle 1: not who he says he is?

eagle 1: cut it with the cryptic shit minnie tell us omfg

eagle 1: tf kind of conspiracy, i’m so into this

eagle 1: tell me tell me

eagle 2: i dont really know what to say

eagle 2: like, i’m really really not sure what’s going on

eagle 2: i’ll tell you what i DO know, and i’ll tell you what i figure out as i go

eagle 3: wait

eagle 2: hm?

eagle 3: we could all try to figure it out

eagle 3: like, get us up to speed

eagle 3: and then we can work together

eagle 1: holy shit this is the best day ever


eagle 1 renamed operation tim burton to operation expose yoongi


eagle 1: proceed, jiminnie

eagle 2: okay, well, the first thing that kind of threw me off was his name

eagle 2: min yoongi

eagle 2: like, our school is fucking massive i get that

eagle 2: but there aren’t THAT many korean kids who order their names like that here right

eagle 2: so it was really suspicious, because i actually KNOW someone named min yoonji

eagle 2: yoongi, yoonji

eagle 2: but yoonji is a girl

eagle 3: that’s not THAT suspicious

eagle 3: maybe it’s just a coincidence

eagle 2: that’s what i thought too

eagle 2: until yoongi sent that selfie

eagle 2: i swear on my fucking life, they look exactly the same

eagle 2: give me a second, i have proof

eagle 2: i just have to find it

eagle 1: holy shit

eagle 1: holy shit

eagle 1: like invasion of the body snatchers

eagle 1: holy shit

eagle 2: the angle isn’t the same as the one he sent, but here

eagle 2: link

eagle 3: ……………….okay yeah that’s uncanny

eagle 1: HOLY SHIT

eagle 1: thats fucking SPOOKY SHIT

eagle 1: and also u look cute in it bb

eagle 2: i mean obviously, but guys that’s not all

eagle 2: yoongi said he’s been in the states for three months

eagle 2: it’s september 16

eagle 2: that means he got here somewhere around the middle of june right?

eagle 3: right

eagle 1: right

eagle 2: that picture was taken last year, on our first day in dance together

eagle 2: i SAW yoonji three days ago

eagle 1: what the fuck

eagle 2: or, maybe i should phrase it differently

eagle 2: i haven’t seen yoonji in three days

Chapter Text

[ film sluts ]


liar hyung: okay, so to summarize the other day i made a list of what everyone’s jobs are gonna be

liar hyung: namjoon: director, script writer

me: casting director, production manager

yoongi: sound and music director

hobi: location scout, staff liaison

jimin: location scout, cast liaison

tae: director of photography

jungkook: storyboard artist

liar hyung: then all of us will contribute to plot development, as well as the physical work on day of (i’m talking lighting, setup and teardown, shooting, etc.)

liar hyung: anything to add, anyone?

deposed ruler: I think that we should start figuring out our concept as quickly as possible so that we can start to get to work on the other aspects. With this in mind, I’d like everyone to have an idea by Sunday. We’ll pitch them here, and then choose as a group which is best? Sound fair?

liar hyung: sounds fair

teatae: hmmmmmmmmmmm

sidekick: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

teatae: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

sidekick: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

liar hyung: guys, what

teatae: can’t help but notice

deposed ruler: Notice what?

sidekick: can’t help but notice the voting idea

teatae: seems a little potentially unfair

sidekick: after all

teatae: what’s to stop ppl from voting

sidekick: for their friends

yoongi lover: that’s a good point!!! you might vote for someone to impress them!!!!!!!!

teatae: thanks for the backup, “yoongi lover”

sidekick: bitch we see you

yoongi lover: i wasn’t even!!! the one!!!!!!! WHO SET MY NAME LIKE THIS!!

yoongi lover: i don’t even kNOW YOONGI

yoongi lover: so it would be w e i r d for me to vote for him with a bias!!!!!!!

sidekick: oh please

teatae: you can love someone without knowing them

sidekick: just take jungkook

savage toddler: uh what

teatae: wait yeah what

sidekick: kid’s in l.o.v.e. with iu

savage toddler:

liar hyung: omg, for real?

savage toddler: wait, jimin

sidekick: and i’m talking capitol L

savage toddler: how

sidekick: i told you, i’m in the dance stream

sidekick: we don’t have any classes together

sidekick: but i dont need a class with you to see the dance cover you made

sidekick: to you and i

sidekick : by iu

savage toddler: ……………………………………………………………………

teatae: jiminnie

teatae: pm




[Private Chat: taetae to minmin ]


taetae: i absolutely need to see that video right now

minmin: hehe

minmin: why

taetae: because it sounds so CUTE why do you THINK

minmin: oh it is it’s adorable

minmin: but i want something in return

taetae: literally anything

minmin: admin rights

minmin: you don’t have to give up yours

minmin: but i want them too

taetae: omg done

taetae: send?

minmin: kookiedance.avi





[ film sluts ]


teatae has made sidekick an admin

sidekick has renamed sidekick to minnie

minnie has renamed yoongi lover to hobo




minnie: a deal’s a deal tae <3 <3 <3 <3

jack skellington: deal?




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 2: i really don’t like the idea of ‘yoongi lover’, especially while we don’t know what’s going on

eagle 2: hobi seems like a really, really nice guy

eagle 2: i don’t want anything to happen to him

eagle 3: he is, he helped coreo my group’s routine last year

eagle 2: oh shit you got hobi for that? we had victoria

eagle 3: she’s really nice, i think i talked to her once


eagle 1: altho a question for kookie

eagle 1: do you really like iu that much ??

eagle 3: uh

eagle 3: opt not to say?

eagle 1: hmm….




[ film sluts ]


jack skellington: deal?

hobo: oh hi yoongi!!!!!!!!! how r u hows life???? haha :)

jack skellington: fine.

hobo: i was wondering if it’s okay if i pm you rly rly quick i just had smth to say aha its not even that private so i dont have to idk its not a big deal

jack skellington: it’s fine.




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 2: uh oh

eagle 3: uh oh

eagle 1: uh oh




[Private Chat: Joonie to hoehoe ]


Joonie: Hoseok what are you doing?

Joonie: Hoseok?

Joonie: Are you hitting on him or asking him out or something?
Joonie: Because that’s a really strange way to open it and I know I’m in no position to give dating advice but you KNOW how you get with guys and I just really don’t want you to be disappointed if he’s less receptive than you’re hoping.

Joonie: It doesn’t reflect on you at all as a person and I hope you know that, and I also hope you don’t think I’m catastrophizing either, because there’s a good chance he’ll really like you a lot (who wouldn’t?), but in general Yoongi seems like a pretty quiet guy and really…

Joonie: I guess the point of this is that I think you should be careful about flinging feelings around, I don’t want you to be affected negatively.

Joonie: Hoseok? Are you okay?

Joonie: Hobi?

Joonie: Message me when you can, okay?




[Private Chat: JHS to MYG ]


JHS has renamed JHS to hobi

hobi has renamed MYG to yoongi


hobi: sorry, the default names are weird and wooden and distracting

hobi: you can change yours if you want though!!!!!!!! pick any name you like i wont be a dick i promise :)

yoongi: this is fine.

hobi: that’s actually kinda of what i wanted to talk about!!!!

hobi: i just wanted to say that i really am really really really really sorry about what they had my name set as

hobi: tbh idek why they set it that way?????????

hobi: it was super weird and i’m sure it made u kinda uncomfy and thats not cool at all so i’m just rly rly rly sorry and i’m so glad jimin changed it cause um wow imagine opening your phone and seeing that??

hobi: well, you don’t have to imagine i guess thats!!! the point!!!!!!

yoongi: its really okay.

hobi: are you sure??? you say stuff like ‘fine’ and ‘okay’ like, a lot and sometimes when ppl say that you know they don’t really mean it and you shouldn’t have to say its okay when it isn’t for my sake like not at all!!!!!!!

yoongi: my english isn’t great yet. reading takes a long time, so does typing. kind of gives a headache. this is the fastest way to say all is good.

hobi: oh

hobi: OH

hobi: then, to make up for it (because seriously i do feel bad) i can tutor you??????

hobi: i’m actually not a great teacher with things and you’d probably be better off with joon cause he’s kind of a genius but i can try my best???? i’d really like to help if i can!!!!!!

yoongi: okay, when?

hobi: we can do wednesdays and fridays after class? i work part time other days, but we can do some lunch times too!!!!

yoongi: see you friday, in the library, 3:30.

hobi: can’t wait!!!!!!!!

yoongi: thank you, hoseok

hobi: srysly its nbd, pls call me hobi okay???

yoongi: thank you, hobi.




[Private Chat: hoehoe to Joonie ]


hoehoe: oh my god joonie i’m!!! fine!!

Joonie: Are you sure? I really don’t want you getting your heart hurt, and I just…

Joonie: Worry, I guess.

hoehoe: what i dont understand is why you all think i have some weird crush on him hahahahahah bc i DONT like i literally

hoehoe: was just apologizing for the weird name thing i was worried he thought i was super fucking odd for that and i didnt want to make him uncomfortable!!!

hoehoe: that was literally the entire convo you guys need to c h i l l

Joonie: Well, in my defense you’ve been acting really, really weird around him.

Joonie: Come to think of it, you never told me why you were being so weird at all.

Joonie: You said you had to be sure about something?

hoehoe: yeah i know!!!! i havent really figured it out yet but!!! i will

Joonie: You’re making me worried.

hoehoe: sorry it’s just

hoehoe: whether i’m right or wrong it’s not exactly my thing to talk about

hoehoe: i promise though, i’ll figure out how to explain myself soon

hoehoe: but i’m not hurt and theres no danger or anything i promise okay???

Joonie: Okay. And it’s not like I don’t trust you or anything stupid like that.

hoehoe: i know!!!!!! its okay!!!!! there is one thing though joon

Joonie: One thing?

hoehoe: how do i tutor someone in english????




[Private Chat: JINteresting to yoon ]


JINteresting: did you eat today?

yoon: yes.


JINteresting: i know you ate today, i was there

JINteresting: but i knew you’d pretend to be asleep if i asked my actual question

yoon: i can still ignore you.

JINteresting: yes, but you won’t

JINteresting: you’re now trapped by social expectations

JINteresting: anyway, what did hoseok want?

yoon: to apologize for the stupid name the kids gave him.

yoon: and to offer me english help.

JINteresting: ...he does know you’re fluent, right?

yoon: ...there is a small chance he doesn’t know that.

JINteresting: YOONGI

JINteresting: WHY

yoon: i honestly don’t know.

yoon: idk, it’s stupid.

JINteresting: people don’t GENERALLY enjoy being lied to

JINteresting: you can’t just pretend not to speak english

JINteresting: lying about when you showed up is one thing, because i understand that

JINteresting: but this is something else entirely and i don’t think its a good idea

yoon: is that why you’re not telling them the real reason you showed up?

JINteresting: wow

JINteresting: that was cold


yoon: sorry.

JINteresting: yeah

yoon: i just.

yoon: he’s nice.

yoon: i wanted to talk to him more.

yoon: i didn’t really know how.

yoon: or whatever the fuck, idk.

yoon: that’s all.

yoon: whatever.

JINteresting: oh sweetie

JINteresting: but you don’t have to lie to him

yoon: i know.

yoon: but i told him that’s the reason i’m so… unfriendly.

yoon: and he’s the opposite, he’s so bright and normally that shit hurts my head just to think about, but idk.

yoon: and i don’t want him to realize i don’t have an excuse and fuckin.

yoon: idk.

yoon: think i’m awful.

yoon: idk, its stupid ik.

JINteresting: yoongi you don’t need to EXCUSE your personality

JINteresting: or the fact that you’ve got a crush

yoon: a CRUSH?

yoon: um no.

yoon: i just.

yoon: why do i tell you this shit wtf fuck off.

JINteresting: oh boy

JINteresting: love you too




[Private Chat: Unsaved Contact to JJK ]


Unsaved Contact: Jungkook, I will not ask again.

Unsaved Contact: Now, or there will be consequences.

JJK: I’m still across town, on campus.

Unsaved Contact: Figure it out.

JJK: Okay, sorry.




[ film sluts ]


savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: i know this is weird since we don’t all really know each other

savage toddler: but could someone give me a ride?

savage toddler: i have gas money

teatae: I CAN

teatae: where you at i’ll pick you up

teatae: u need a ride home or????

savage toddler: something like that


savage toddler has shared their location


savage toddler: see you soon?

teatae: yeye i’m on the other side of campus i’ll be like 5 mins

savage toddler: thanks, i uh

savage toddler: appreciate it and stuff

teatae: :* :* :* what are friends for right??

liar hyung: gay

teatae: says the gayest person i know

deposed ruler: You’re gay?

liar hyung: is that a problem?

deposed ruler: Oh god of course not no not at all I was just not sure if

deposed ruler: Sorry, I hit the enter key too quickly.

deposed ruler: But no, no, it really isn’t it’s just sometimes hard to tell with this group what is and isn’t a joke, that’s the impression I’m getting at least.

deposed ruler: I really didn’t meant to make it seem like I had an issue with it, I’m sorry.

deposed ruler: *mean

teatae: omfg dude CHILL

liar hyung: youre kinda cute when you’re getting flustered and making typos, joonie




[Private Chat: hoehoe to Joonie ]


hoehoe: did you just SCREAM???????

Joonie: No comment.

hoehoe: oh my god

Chapter Text

[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 2: we need a way to figure out some clues, anything that might give us insight to who he is

eagle 3: that’s not very specific…

eagle 2: but it’s a start

eagle 1: I HAVE AN IDEA

eagle 1: jiminnie, come up with a list of questions

eagle 1: ones you can ask subtly but get lots and lots of info out of

eagle 1: kookie, get ready to act cute

eagle 3: cute?

eagle 1: no one can resist a request from a cute boy

eagle 3: uh

eagle 1: hush and don’t question me!!!!

eagle 1: minnie when ur done w/ the questions, send them here

eagle 1: so that we all have access

eagle 2: tae, what are you thinking?

eagle 1: we’re going to…… play a game




[ film sluts ]


teatae: YO BITCHES


jack skellington: no.

deposed ruler: That’s really not what this group chat is for.

liar hyung: yeah idk i’ve got the stove on rn tae

hobo: what kind of game tho?????


hobo: then……. no

savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: i wanna play

savage toddler: so can we uh

savage toddler: please?




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 1: wth was that????????

eagle 3: uh i tried to warn you idk what being ‘cute’ for this kind of thing even meants

eagle 2: relax, i got this




[ film sluts ]


minnie: anyone who agrees to play gets their name changed to whatever they want by the end of it <3

deposed ruler: I’m in.

liar hyung: stove is off

jack skellington: fine.

hobo: well i guess i can’t say no now hahahahhaah

teatae: excellent………

savage toddler: so what are we playing?

deposed ruler: Why were you so eager to play if you didn’t know the game?

savage toddler: uh


teatae: we’re playing……………………………………


liar hyung: hELL YES

deposed ruler: Truth or what?

hobo: like truth or dare????

minnie: oh no no no

teatae: truth or consequences

minnie: is much better

teatae: and more condusive with the current enviroment

deposed ruler: *conducive

teatae: :/

teatae: ANYWAY

minnie: the way it works

teatae: is someone asks a question

minnie: we’ll go in age order, youngest to oldest

teatae: they can either pose the question to the whole group

minnie: or an individual

teatae: anyone who doesn’t answer their question

minnie: has to do a

teatae: penalty

savage toddler: oh god

minnie: and provide evidence that the penalty was completed!

teatae: READY? TOO BAD


savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: okay

savage toddler: this is for the whole group i guess

savage toddler: does anyone have any siblings?

minnie: i’ve got a little brother a year younger than you, kookie <3

deposed ruler: A younger sister.

hobo: older sister!!!!!! she’s in design school she’s literally so cool like who even does that kind of cool shit??

jack skellington: none.

minnie: none at all?

jack skellington: one.

savage toddler: so??

jack skellington: older brother.

hobo: wow a brother huh????

hobo: i wish i had a brother haha

liar hyung: hey i’ve got a brother too!

teatae: sucks to suck, losers i’m the eldest

teatae: little brother AND little sister, but they’re both little kids

teatae: like really little kids

minnie: hey u bitch i’m the eldest too

deposed ruler: As am I…


teatae: its my turn

teatae: this question is for…………..

teatae: the fetus

savage toddler: uh




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 3: ?????

eagle 1: calm down we can’t let them KNOW we’re targeting yoongi

eagle 2: oh that’s a good point




[ film sluts ]


teatae: you ever had a gf or bf???

savage toddler: uh i have a gf rn

teatae: wait what?

minnie: serious??

savage toddler: uh yeah

hobo: oh shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good job buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

liar hyung: what’s her name?

savage toddler: uh do i have to tell you??

liar hyung: well you DID bring her up

savage toddler: tae brought her up

deposed ruler: It’s only one question per turn, right? Jungkook’s already answered his question, so I think it’s Jimin’s turn now.

minnie: my question is for yoongi

jack skellington: oh.

minnie: what’s your roommate like? is he cute?

jack skellington: i don’t have a roommate.

jack skellington: i got one of the single rooms.

minnie: whaaaaat wow so lucky!

minnie: i know where the film sluts parties are getting hosted from now on ;) ;*

jack skellington: hah.

jack skellington: nice try.

deposed ruler: My turn?

liar hyung: yeah

deposed ruler: This question is for everyone.

deposed ruler: Why’d you all decide to take this class? I’m the only one with a film focus, so I kind of had to. The rest of you didn’t. And Prof. Bang is a notoriously hard marker.

liar hyung: for me, i’m studying acting right? i figure eventually i’m going to want to break into film acting, not just live theatre so it’d probably be a good idea to have even the most minimal background of what it actually takes to make a movie

deposed ruler: That’s… a very, very good point.

liar hyung: heh, thanks

minnie: i honestly just really like movies, so its sort of cool to have the chance to make one of our own

teatae: tbh i thought we were just gonna be watching movies every class which lbr i’m not WRONG yet i just didn’t realize we were gonna be analyzing them and shit after

hobo: well joon and i didnt have any other class together this year and i figured wow might as well take it cause it looked interesting and i love electives that aren’t gonna physically exhaust me before actual dance class?????? (never take outdoor eduation… u will………….. regret……..)

deposed ruler: Didn’t they make you hold a snake in that last year?

hobo: WE DON’T!!!!!! TALK!!!!!!!! ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!THE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SNAKE

savage toddler: film production is really interesting to me, if I was allowed to triple focus that’s what i’d pick

minnie: jesus, TRIPLE focus as if you’re even thinking about that jfc

hobo: is it my turn now?

jack skellington: yeah.

hobo: my question’s for…………………

hobo: yongo!!!!!

jack skellington: try again.

hobo: yoogoo!!!!!!!!

jack skellington: nope.

hobo: yogurt!!!!!!!!!!!!

jack skellington: still no.

liar hyung: yoongichi?

hobo: YOONGICHI!!!!!!!!!

jack skellington: absolutely not.

teatae: yoyo

minnie: yoot yoot

savage toddler: yobodobogogo

deposed ruler: Ignooy?

hobo: WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got it now!!!!!!!

hobo: yoongi ;)

jack skellington: do i have to play?

minnie: if you want your name as something normal!

jack skellington: sigh.

teatae: did you just type out ‘sigh’?

jack skellington: clearly.

teatae: are you a scene kid from 2011?????????

jack skellington: you wanna go, brat?

hobo: taetaeeeee dats not nice yongo’s not all the way english fluent his slang might be weird sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!

hobo: no bullying allowed in my good christain family chat!!!!!!!!!!!! >CCCCCCC

deposed ruler: Technically I think it’d be my good Christian family chat.

teatae: TECHNICALLY its MY good crishtian family chat after i DEPOSED you namjoon

teatae: but

teatae: fineeeeeee

hobo: besides,,, i’m gonna teach him ALL the slangs!!!!!

minnie: you?

minnie: why?

hobo: i’m gonna be tutoring him in english!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 2: oh shit




[ film sluts ]


liar hyung: awww that’s so nice of you hobi :)

liar hyung: i learned english while i was still in korea, but not everyone does

liar hyung: what a good friend you are to help him like that :) i’m glad we’re all bonding

teatae: YEAH Like how i totally gave kookie a ride to his not-home the other day

teatae: how awesome was that??

teatae: kookie isn’t my car great? you love it ik ik

teatae: it was so cute, his (dad?) came out and met him with an umbrella cause it was raining

teatae: actually he was dressed way to sharp to be a dad




savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: anyway, hobi you never actually asked your question

hobo: oh right!!!!!!!!!!!

hobo: sry i got!!!!!!!! distracted!!!!!!!!!!!!

hobo: yoongi!!!!!!! what’s ur brother’s name what’s he like?????????

jack skellington: name or personality.

jack skellington: pick one.

hobo: uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh

hobo: name CCCC:

jack skellington: min sungwoo.

hobo: nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jack skellington: okay.

jack skellington: mine’s for everyone.

jack skellington: favorite color.

minnie: uuuuuuuh i like red :)

teatae: S A M E

liar hyung: light blue

teatae: bullshit, it’s pink

liar hyung: not anymore <3

liar hyung: favourite colors can CHANGE you little shit

deposed ruler: I like pink!

liar hyung: awww, take care of my old fave

deposed ruler: ...I will.

savage toddler: uh i like black

jack skellington: not a color.

jack skellington: try again.

savage toddler: ……. gold?

hobo: orange for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jack skellington: nice.

liar hyung: mmmm okay my turn :)

liar hyung: this is for everyone

liar hyung: what’s the best thing about living in switzerland?

deposed ruler: Huh? I’ve never lived in Switzerland.

minnie: same, wtf kind of question?

savage toddler: uh i’ve been there at least?

teatae: woah really?

savage toddler: yeah it’s nice, it’s warm but kind of mild, unless you’re in the alps i guess


liar hyung: ABOUT LIVING

liar hyung: IN SWITZERLAND





hobo: ……………

minnie: ……………..

deposed ruler: ……………

savage toddler: …………..

teatae: ………


jack skellington has left film sluts

minnie has added jack skellington to film sluts


minnie: oh no, you have to suffer with us

teatae: did you seriously just waste your turn on a dad joke?

hobo: i’m actually vomitting!!!! rn!!!!! good job !!!!!

liar hyung: fuck you all, that was hilarious

deposed ruler: I definitely laughed!

hobo: don’t lie joooooooooonie

deposed ruler: I’m not lying, it was funny.

jack skellington: it really wasn’t.

liar hyung: at least someone appreciates my sense of humour :’)

teatae: ://///// this is gross, FETUS ITS YOUR TURN AGAIN

savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: okay

savage toddler: what’s something about everyone that no one else knows?

hobo: damn kid!!!!!!!! asking the real questions!!!!!!!!!!

hobo: uhhhhhhh i once stole a polly pocket from daycare when i was little!!!!!!!

hobo: i felt so guilty i climbed up onto the roof of our house and buried it in the snow there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

minnie: omfg is it still there?

hobo: i think so!!!!!!!!!!!


deposed ruler: I think it’s more like suffocated.


teatae: but, okk um

teatae: for me, no one knows i can………….

teatae: this isn’t fair, jiminnie knows everything about me

teatae: OH WAIT this just happened so even he doesn’t know

teatae: i just peeked at my christmas gifts (my parents buy early)


minnie: that’s not really a SECRET tae

minnie: but yay!

teatae: well, my parents THINK It’s a secrett so

teatae: i’m saying it counts

savage toddler: you really like photography?

teatae: well it iS My focus, mr. ‘i liked them both so i just asked’

savage toddler: heh

savage toddler: can i see some pictures eventually

savage toddler: or uh something like that?

teatae: fuck yeah you can i love showing the fuck off

minnie: anyway, no one knows that in the third grade i had a pet tarantula

minnie: his name was stan <3

hobo: omg!!!!!!!! that sounds Scary what happened to him???/???

minnie: my little brother swallowed him

hobo: WHAT??????

teatae: HOW???????????

jack skellington: yum.

liar hyung: holy heck your brother was a hardcore little thing?

minnie:  he used to eat things he was curious about so he just

minnie: one day i was showing him stan and he grabbed him out of my hand and just

minnie: no more stan

hobo: rip stan!!!!!!!! u lived a good life!!!!!!!!

deposed ruler: I wonder what it would be like, to be a spider.

deposed ruler: Or any insect, really.

deposed ruler: We see a lot of media about giant monsters and most people wonder at least once what they’d do if a monster attacked.

deposed ruler: But spiders don’t have to wonder, do they?

deposed ruler: They’re constantly surrounded by monsters.

deposed ruler: And Stan got the ultimate monster fate.

deposed ruler: He got eaten.

teatae: dude are you high rn

deposed ruler: Just thinking.

liar hyung: is it weird that i kinda want to hold a memorial?

hobo: at this point it think it would be weirder if we didn’t??????

hobo: when is every1 free we will say a few words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hobo: lunch tomorrow good???

minnie: omg guys we dont have to

teatae: stfu we’re doing this

teatae: lunch is good

liar hyung: i’ll bring snacks! just because we’re saying goodbye to a beloved spider doesn’t mean skipping meals is okay

savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: yeah i can go for a few mins i guess, if its as soon as lunch starts

teatae: awwwww whats wrong gotta meet ur gf???? ;)))))))

savage toddler: uh yeah

teatae: what’s her name????

savage toddler: uh

teatae: you should bring her!!!!!!!!

savage toddler: to the spider burial

teatae: yeah!!!!!

teatae: unless she isn’t reallllllllll

savage toddler: she’s real!

teatae: then what’s her name?

savage toddler: idk why you care

savage toddler: but uh its lisa

savage toddler: happy?

liar hyung: wait lisa? does she hang out with someone named jennie? and a couple other girls?

savage toddler: uh yeah

liar hyung: bangs? red hair?

savage toddler: yeah

liar hyung: she’s so cute!!!!

savage toddler: uh

savage toddler: yeah

hobo: awwwww good job kookie you landed a cutie make sure you treat her nice okay!!!!!!!!!!

savage toddler: okay sure

savage toddler: hey is the game over yet

savage toddler: i gotta do homework

minnie: oh, right, the game i forgot we were playing

minnie: everyone pm me the names you want and i’ll change them tonight

minnie: it was fun tho! i like getting to know you all better!




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 1: sorry we didn’t get that mmuch info minnie

eagle 3: yeah

eagle 2: oh no no

eagle 2: we’ve got plenty

eagle 2: i have a plan, but i’m gonna need you two to cover me tomorrow

eagle 2: kookie, definitely bring your gf

eagle 2: i want the biggest distraction i can get

eagle 3: uh okay




[ Private Chat: minmin to taetae ]


minmin: hey why were you grilling the kid so hard about his gf?

taetae: huh? i wasn’t

taetae: i was just teasing, i’m sure he knows

minmin: teasing is uncomfortable sex jokes and poking fun, tae

minmin: demanding a name is grilling

taetae: don’t be dumb, we were all curious

taetae: i was just saying what everyone else was thinking

minmin: ...okay, whatever you say tae




[ Private Chat: koko puff to lalisa ]


koko puff: hey uh i need a favor

lalisa: bitch what i’m BUSY!!!

koko puff: uh okay sitting beside an unfinished painting and flirting with an entire art table isn’t being busy soz

lalisa: if ur gonna sass me the answer gonna stay no

koko puff: sorry sorry please just

koko puff: just for tomorrow

lalisa: wats 2morrow

koko puff: uh

koko puff: a memorial

lalisa: shit really?

lalisa: fuck i’m sorry man who died?

koko puff: uh

koko puff: you know that film class i’m taking?

koko puff: well one of my groupmates for our film project had a pet tarantula named steve or smth in the third grade and his brother ate it

koko puff: so we’re having a memorial

koko puff: at lunch

koko puff: and i said i’d bring my gf

koko puff: and i also said my gf was you

koko puff: and one of the guys knows jennie and knew you by proxy

koko puff: so uh

koko puff: please?

lalisa: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

lalisa: ur cleaning my palettes for two months

koko puff: deal

koko puff: thank u so much




[ Private Chat: JINteresting to yoon ]


JINteresting: i saw the news

yoon: i don’t want to talk about it.

JINteresting: i won’t force you, but…

yoon: they didn’t even ask me first.

yoon: if i

yoon: nvm, it’s stupid.

JINteresting: it’s not.

yoon: goodnight, seokjin.

Chapter Text

[ film sluts ]


teatae: good morning sluts

teatae: who’s ready to honour the shit out of a dead spider from seven years ago?

minnie: this is such a weird morning already omg

liar hyung: hey jimin when are you changing our names

minnie: oops, i forogt, i’ll do it now


minnie has renamed liar hyung to jin and tonic


teatae: did it hAVE to be a pun hyung

jin and tonic: yes


minnie has renamed jack skellington to yoongi

minnie has renamed hobo to hobihobi

minnie has renamed deposed ruler to joonie

minnie has renamed savage toddler to golden boy


minnie: kookie wanted it spelled ‘golden boi’ cause he’s emo but i’m not typing that with my own two hands

golden boy: you just did though

minnie: nope, copy paste

golden boy: uh, petty??

teatae: why golden boy tho

golden boy: uh well

golden boy: the favourite colour question yesterday had me thinking

golden boy: that i like the colour gold

golden boy: because it means winning and i uh like winning

golden boy: and i’m good at winning

golden boy: so

teatae: ooooooh competitive??

golden boy: i’m not competitive, i just don’t like losing

teatae: hehehe suuuuure

teatae: bet you let your gf win shit sometimes tho right? right?

golden boy: uh

golden boy: i guess

teatae: i’m so excited to meet her hahaha

teatae: you know she has to pass the friend vetting right?

golden boy: we’re friends?

teatae: i mean, ofc we are

golden boy: oh

golden boy: cool

teatae: we passed the friendship level after i got a peek at ur sugar daddy ;))))

golden boy: uh

golden boy: that’s not

golden boy: uh

jin and tonic: man, i should get a sugar daddy

jin and tonic: if any of you ever get rich, you have to be my sugar daddy, deal?

jin and tonic: platonic tho, you’re all kids

teatae: so…. in other words you just want free money

jin and tonic: who doesn’t?

teatae: touche

teatae: we both know i’d make a way better sugar baby though

jin and tonic: uh how?

teatae: well for one thing, you’re old as fuck

jin and tonic: uh wtf brat

jin and tonic: where’s the respect?

teatae: we’re not even IN korea any more i don’t HAVE to call you hyung

teatae: but fine, you’re old as fuck hyung

joonie: I’ve always thought that the sugar dynamics are a really interesting lense to view what our society prizes as ultimate goals, and how that relates to gender, class and sexuality.

teatae: soooooo namjoon would make an awful sugar baby

joonie: I’ve never given it much thought in that way, but probably yes.

jin and tonic: awwww you wanna be a daddy instead?




[ Private Chat: Joonie to hoehoe ]


Joonie: Hobi.

Joonie: Hobi.

Joonie: Hobi wake up right now you’re late for class if you’re still in bed and also I need help reacting to something.

hoehoe: uh goodmorning to you too daddyy…..

Joonie: nO.

Joonie: Fuck.


hoehoe: dude you need to chill, they already moved past you’re glaring lack of answer

Joonie: Oh.

Joonie: Uh… Get to class, then?

hoehoe: i’m actually out for the day already

hoehoe: actually i was gone before you were

hoehoe: mr. observant

Joonie: Are you alright? You seem a little off.

hoehoe: i’m okay

hoehoe: just a weird morning, you know?

hoehoe: i gtg but i’ll bring coffee to class?

hoehoe: probably won’t make first period but i’ll be there for second, i promise

Joonie: I guess I’ll see you then.

Joonie: Whatever you’re doing, be safe?

hoehoe: don’t be dumb!!! i always am!!!!




[ Private Chat: Unsaved Contact to JJK ]


Unsaved Contact: What’s this about a girlfriend?

Unsaved Contact: You know the rules.

JJK: It’s just something stupid to get my friends to leave me alone.

JJK: I’m not doing anything wrong.

Unsaved Contact: Slippery slope kid, you ever read fanfiction?

JJK: What?

Unsaved Contact: Fake dating always leads to real dating.

JJK: Well, that’s not going to happen here.

Unsaved Contact: Better not.

Unsaved Contact: The rules are there for a reason.

JJK: I know.

Unsaved Contact: And if you fuck up, I’m the one paying for it.

JJK: I know.

Unsaved Contact: So don’t fuck up.

JJK: I won’t.

Unsaved Contact: It’s funny that you’re calling them your friends.

JJK: They said we were.

Unsaved Contact: You had to ask?

Unsaved Contact: That’s… Sad. Even for you.

Unsaved Contact: Don’t get too attached, you know the rules.

Unsaved Contact: Who was the one that drove you?

JJK: He’s no one.

JJK: There’s a ride share service at school, he’s a volunteer driver.

Unsaved Contact: Are you lying to me?

JJK: No.

JJK: I know the rules.

Unsaved Contact: Because you know the

Unsaved Contact: Good.

Unsaved Contact: Make sure you’re where you’re supposed to be.

Unsaved Contact: 3:30, not a second later.

JJK: I know.

Unsaved Contact: 3:30.




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 1: wait wait h/o before lunch hits

eagle 1: go through the plan again what exactly is happening

eagle 2: were you just not paying attention??

eagle 1: sorry bb xoxoxoxoxox ily

eagle 2: okay, while everyone is mourning my dead spider (seriously idk why any of you care?)

eagle 2: and hopefully distracted by the apperance of kookie and his lovely gf

eagle 2: i’m gonna slip away to yoongi’s room

eagle 2: once he said he had a single it was really easy to figure out which room was his

eagle 2: there’s only one single room per floor, and the floors go by grade level

eagle 2: so his is the last room on the end of hall on the junior floor

eagle 2: i’ll see what i can find in there

eagle 2: dont point out that i’m gone

eagle 2: but if anyone notices, bUY ME TIME


eagle 2: we good?

eagle 1: we good

eagle 2: kookie?

eagle 3: huh

eagle 3: oh yeah, we good

eagle 3: is it really okay to break into someones room tho?

eagle 2: my friend has been missing five days now

eagle 2: idk what’s going on, but he has something to do with it

eagle 2: i know he does

eagle 2: i just need to prove it

eagle 2: so. we good?

eagle 3: we good

eagle 1: we good

eagle 2: good




[ film sluts ]


hobihobi: kookie why are you talking to your girl!!!!!!!!!

hobihobi: don’t be rude boy!!!!!!!!! she seems so nice!!!!!!!!!!!

golden boy: uh

jin and tonic: aww is it a new relationship?

golden boy: uh yeah

golden boy: so i’m uh

golden boy: nervous

jin and tonic: you’re doing good sweetie

jin and tonic: try holding her hand

jin and tonic: there see? not so scary?

teatae: if the relationship is so new, should they really be holding hands?

teatae: idk if you’re ready for that kookie i dunno

golden boy: uh

joonie: I don’t know why he’d say that, you’re doing fine Jungkook.

joonie: It’s your relationship, so you pick your comfort level, okay?

joonie: As long as you guys are both safe and happy, there’s nothing wrong?

teatae: safe as in

jin and tonic: tae

teatae: SAFE AS IN


yoongi: dead spider.

yoongi: shouldn’t jimin be here for it, by the way?

yoongi: he left.

teatae: fuck off no he didn’t pfft

joonie: Oh, he did.

hobihobi: can’t even!!!! attend his own spider’s funeral?????

hobihobi: the AUDACITY

yoongi: yeah i’m out.




[ operation expose yoongi ]





eagle 3: tae just jumped on yoongi’s back and said ‘let me come’

eagle 3: so uh

eagle 3: that happened

eagle 3: everyone’s yelling now

eagle 3: so you have some time, but you should get out of there

eagle 2: jesus tae don’t jump on potentially dangerous people’s backs

eagle 2: well, scratch potentially dangerous.

eagle 2: guys, i found something huge

eagle 2: how much time do i have?

eagle 3: considering yoongi shook tae 2 mins ago and is almost at the dorm building

eagle 3: not long

eagle 2: fuck

eagle 2: meet at the rendecouz site

eagle 3: that’s not even how you spell that a little

eagle 2: you ttry texitgn and run

eagle 3: lmfao see you soon, i gotta help tae get the dirt off his jacket

eagle 3: who knew him of all people would hate dirt so much





[ Private Chat: yoon to JINteresting ]


yoon: fuck

yoon: fuck its

yoon: its happening

JINteresting: ???

yoon: i’m not gonna be safe here

yoon: i can’t stay here

JINteresting: yoongi slow down right now, what’s happening

yoon: someone trashed my dorm room

yoon: she’s not okay jin i knew she wasn’t okay

yoon: this proves it, right?

yoon: fuck, fuck fuck

yoon: fuck

yoon: and i can’t

yoon: go home, so

JINteresting: stop

JINteresting: are you at your dorm?

yoon: yes

JINteresting: stay where you are, i’ll come get you

JINteresting: we’ll get some of your stuff moved into my room

yoon: your roommate

JINteresting: stays in his girlfirend’s dorm almost every night

JINteresting: we’ll figure it out

yoon: you have enough going on

JINteresting: yoongi

yoon: seriously, what if this just attracts more attention to you?

JINteresting: it wont

JINteresting: just stay where you are

JINteresting: i’ll be right there




[ triple kim ]


1/3: Hey, tae, does jinnie still have me blocked?


3/3: why resurrect a dead chat?

1/3: Tell him to unblock me


3/3: thats a HARD pass

1/3: Just do it

1/3: I don’t have time for this

3/3: idk where he is rn

3/3: and i’m not doing it

3/3: go find a different hyungs life to ruin mmkay byeeeeeeee

1/3: I’m your hyung too

1/3: Has america lost you the last bit of manners you had left?

3/3: fuck off

1/3: Fine, if you won’t tell him to unblock me

1/3: Then pass on a message

1/3: My flight departs in 15 mins

1/3: He needs to pick me up from the airport

Chapter Text

[ Private Chat: hoehoe to Joonie ]


hoehoe: so uh, weird news

Joonie: Weird news?

hoehoe: yeah like uhhhh not bad or good or anything just kinda maybe weeeeird??

Joonie: Are you planning to elaborate?

hoehoe: ok ok ok ok ok so you know how i was gonna tutor yoongi in english????

Joonie: Yes?

hoehoe: well today was gonna be our first day right?? and so we were gonna meet up @ the library but i ran over to the dorms to grab some study materials u know??

hoehoe: and then when i was headed back to the main building i ran iNTO yoongi???

Joonie: And this is weird because?

hoehoe: well i hadn’t talked 2 him since the spider funeral @ lunch so i thought we were still on but when i saw him he was like

hoehoe: “oh sorry i can’t rn i’m busy we’ll meet wednesday?”

hoehoe: and i was like “o for sure np np np!!!!!”

Joonie: Okay?

hoehoe: bUT THEN!!!! i asked him what he was doing right

hoehoe: because he was carrying a box of crap and it looked kind of heavy and also it was bigger than his upper half so i kinda wanted to help??

hoehoe: anyway i don’t think he wanted to tell me cause he just stared at me for a while

hoehoe: and then the door behind him opened and jin walked out???

hoehoe: “oh here yoongi i’ll grab that, if you want to go and get the rest of your bedding?”

hoehoe: “oh hi hobi”

hoehoe: so???? he was moving into jin’s room???

hoehoe: like, idk what’s going on

Joonie: Oh.

Joonie: We shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

hoehoe: ofc not!!!!!!!!!!!

Joonie: It’s probably nothing.

hoehoe: it’s probably nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joonie: We shouldn’t make it weird.

hoehoe: we shoulnd’t make it weird!!!!!!!!

Joonie: Right.

hoehoe: right!!!!!!!!




[ film sluts ]


joonie: Is everything okay, Yoongi? I think I saw you walking down the dorm hall with boxes earlier?




[ Private Chat: hoehoe to Joonie ]


hoehoe: gdi namjoon!!!!!!!




[ film sluts ]


yoongi: it’s fine.

joonie: Oh, just moving stuff?

yoongi: i’m moving rooms.

hobihobi: hahahahah why????? you seem like you’d like having your own space!!!!!!!!!

jin and tonic: he’s moving in with me kiddos

joonie: Oh?

jin and tonic: secret eldest alliance ;)))

hobihobi: hahahahah wowie i’m third eldest can i join????

yoongi: jesus.

yoongi: i’m moving in because someone trashed my dorm.

yoongi: and i don’t know about the rest of you, but i wouldn’t feel super safe in that kind of situation.

yoongi: so how about we all stop making a big deal of it and fucking drop it?

hobihobi: oh, shit, are you okay???

joonie: Sorry, I didn’t mean to… Well, regardless, can we help?

yoongi: i’m fine.

yoongi: just fucking leave it, both of you.




[ operation expose yoongi ]


eagle 3: so uh

eagle 3: does anyone else think we might have fucked up

eagle 3: cause i feel uh

eagle 3: really gross about this

eagle 2: trust me kookie, it’s necessary

eagle 3: but he switched rooms

eagle 3: doesn’t that mean he’s scared?

eagle 2: he only switched rooms because he knows we’re closing in on him

eagle 2: i know he’s got something to do with this, and once you guys see what i planned, you’ll understand

eagle 2: just trust me

eagle 2: i don’t like that he’s sharing a room with jin now though…

eagle 2: i’ve known him almost as long as i’ve known tae, it feels… scary

eagle 3: when are we meeting up, again?

eagle 2: let’s meet sunday. i work tomorrow and tae said that he suddenly got busy today??

eagle 3: uh okay

eagle 3: sunday works

eagle 2: i’ll send you my address later

eagle 3: uh okay




[ Private Chat: taebae to eatjin ]


taebae: sooooo

taebae: ik you’re busy getting a guy in ur room

taebae: (suspicious btw)

eatjin: tae, i’m just helping a friend

taebae: o hes ur friend now??

taebae: u only just met him hyung

eatjin: whats the situation

taebae: oh, yeah

taebae: well, remember he who shall not be named

eatjin: tae that’s literally how you refer to anyone you don’t like

taebae: just… don’t get upset


taebae: your hyung texted me

taebae: in our old chat, he wants you to unblock him

taebae: i told him to fuck off

taebae: and he said to give you a message

taebae: he’s in town, and he wants you to pick him up at the airport


eatjin: for god’s sake

eatjin: okay

taebae: want me to come?

eatjin: no, i can handle this

taebae: no offence hyung but… you don’t even have a car

eatjin: and i’m not taking your car

eatjin: that things a mess, he’d eat me alive

taebae: then what’s your plan?

eatjin: tbd




[ film sluts ]


jin and tonic: okay kiddos, who has a nice car?

joonie: I do.

jin and tonic: ahhhh my knight in shining armor, let me borrow it

joonie: Oh, sure.

joonie: Just, why?

jin and tonic: picking someone up from the airport :c

joonie: when do you need it?

joonie: *When

jin and tonic: ...good question…




[ Private Chat: KSJ to KJH ]


KSJ: when does your flight land?

KJH: Hi to you too

KJH: Two hours

KSJ: why are you HERE, hyung?

KJH: You think i want to be here?

KJH: Believe it or not, i have other things to be doing

KJH: They’re worried, though

KJH: So why am i here? long story short, cleaning up your mess

KSJ: that’s not fair

KJH: You made your bed, jin ah

KJH: If you’re not going to take responsibility, stop shooting the person who is

KJH: See you in two hours




[ Private Chat: hoehoe to Joonie ]


hoehoe: so, i hate to be the one to remind you mr. i have a nice car

hoehoe: but you kind of!!! don’t!!!! have a nice car!!!!!!

Joonie: No, but my grandparents do

hoehoe: so you’re gonna bus halfway across the city to borrow your grandparents car that’s worth more than both our lives combined and then lend it to the first dude to ask cause he has pretty eyes????





[ film sluts ]


jin and tonic: so his plane lands in 2 hours, you good with that joonie? :)

joonie: Yeah of course! Just that I have some errands to run around that time too, do you mind if I tag along?




[ Private Chat: taebae to eatjin ]


taebae: letting namjoon meet hyung…

taebae: feels like a really bad idea, ngl

eatjin: pretty sure it’s my only option here

taebae: unfortuneately, yeah…




[ film sluts ]


jin and tonic: ofc joonie! it’ll be more fun that way anyway

Chapter Text

It takes Namjoon three hours - start to finish - to accomplish his task of ferrying Jin to pick up his guest from the airport.

In that time, he nearly crashes is grandparent’s very expensive car a grand total of seven times.






Getting across the city had been the easy part. Even though every fibre of Namjoon’s being was screaming at him for being about to support the earth destroying, capitalism enabling, worker exploiting industry that was the automobile, at this point he didn’t have much of a choice. For one, Jin needed help. Sure, the stakes weren’t exactly dire (objectively not, anyway), but more to the important point he’d already said that he’d help. So it was either ignore his ideals about having to interact with his grandparents (AKA the sentient representations of everything corrupt in society) or his fundamental urge to maintain that a promise really meant something.

Getting across the city had been the easy part. Reconciling his overdeveloped sense of ideals with his obnoxiously over the top teenage crush would be the hard part.

Stumbling out of the small doors of the bus and onto a much quieter street than that he’s used to, Namjoon begins to make a beeline for his grandparent’s condo. They’re situated right in the middle of a small, 60+ cul de sac that does well to remind him of the inevitability of aging. Would he be like this one day, he wonders? All pastel and khaki with a watered lawn and neighbors who would butcher the pronunciation of his name? Vaguely, the boy glances down at himself, trying to fake a bit of confidence as he strolls through the little village. Ripped grey jeans that had long become too short in the ankles, mismatched socks, beat up sneakers… The baggy band tee did nothing to help hide his beanpole frame, and even the beanie and glasses he’d shoved over his face and hair seemed to add to the delinquent air about him.

He spends the short walk from the bus stop to the front door trying to ignore the screaming question of whether Jin would like his outfit or not. The whole affair had him feeling a little sick to his stomach.

But those worries quickly melt into something new when he reaches his grandparent’s door. Bracing himself, Namjoon takes a deep breath and doesn’t allow himself more than a moment of hesitation before he’s knocking evenly on their door. Retrospectively, he realizes it probably would have been a good idea to actually… Call them and ask to borrow the car, rather than simply show up.

But when there’s no answer, Namjoon is left standing dumbly in front of their door, unblinking. He knocks again, then again, then tries the doorbell - and realizes that through all his worrying he never once stopped to consider that they wouldn’t be home. Now what was he going to do? Pulling his phone from his pocket, Namjoon glances first at the time, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. He didn’t have very much time left before he had to meet Jin, and he still had to get all the way back to campus to pick him up. His thumb hovers for a moment over the contacts button on his screen, and soon the imitation phone book is pulled up. On an impulse, he taps a name.



  • namjoon? i’m at work, sweetie.
  • sorry mom, i just have a quick question.
  • okay, just- okay. what’s up?
  • where’s grandma and grandpa?
  • joonie, i need you to be in the habit of calling them oehalmeoni and oehalabeoji, okay? you know how intense they get about that sort of thing. i don’t want them saying something… unnecessary to you at the next-
  • no, mom, i meant...



Namjoon swallows thickly.



  • i meant dad’s-
  • oh.
  • sorry.
  • no, sweetie, no. it’s okay. why are you-
  • just a school project. we need to interview family members.
  • oh, well you’ll have to email them or something when you get home today. they headed back to flordia for the month to spend some time with your aunt and cousins.
  • they drove all the way to florida?
  • hm? i don’t think so. i think on the phone they said something about the airport shuttle. why?
  • oh. that’s just… a lot of gas.
  • sweetie, i really need to get back to work, are you good?
  • yeah mom, i’m good.
  • i think there’s still one of those frozen things for dinner tonight-
  • it’s okay, i can figure out food.
  • make sure you’re in bed by eleven, okay? and if there’s any problems-
  • mom, i know the drill. don’t worry so much.
  • okay, okay. love you, joonbug.
  • okay mom, love you too.



So they flew to Florida.

So their car could reasonably… Still be in the garage.

Namjoon purses his lips and, as subtly as possible on the bright, sunny day, starts slinking around the edge of his grandparent’s property. He lifts stones, gnomes, feels through eaves and opens up bird feeders in search of a spare key. If he could get into the house, he’d find the car keys and the door into the attached garage. And the car would have to have a garage door opener in it, right? He could get in and out, and no one would have any idea about any of it. It was really the best way this situation could have gone, when he gave it any thought. He wouldn’t even have to say a word to his grandparents.

It takes Namjoon only five minutes of frantically tearing apart their little yard before he finally shakes the spare key out of the false bottom of a potted plant. His face pales when he nearly drops it through the cracks between the planks of wood making up the little deck, but after a bit of panicked fumbling he’s got the key in the door and is stumbling inside the threshold.

Without an alarm system to fight with, Namjoon makes quick work of tearing through the house, cringing at the way his boots dragged dust and dirt through the pale carpet. He vaguely remembers the layout of the little condo from the last time he spent any real amount of time with the people, and is through the kitchen and into the garage faster than he has a moment to think on or, naturally, regret his actions.

The first time Namjoon nearly crashes his grandparent’s car, he’s forgotten to open the garage door and almost passes straight through it. He’s only stopped by the frantic screaming of the backup camera and a lot of luck that the pedal he happened to stomp on was the brake, not the gas.

This was certainly going to be a long trip.






The second time Namjoon nearly crashes his grandparent’s car, he’s almost reached the campus without breaking too many traffic laws. (aside from going over the limit in a school zone after his missed the sign, and that one pesky ‘no right on red’ indication that was ignored out of concern for time) By this point, the boy is almost - almost feeling confident in his decision to more or less steal the car to impress the a boy. After all, no one’s gotten hurt yet, right?

And more importantly, he can’t help but imagine how much it might end up meaning to Jin. How his beautiful eyes just might light up at the image of Namjoon pulling up onto the campus. He’d look incredibly cool, right? Maybe with one arm hanging out of the window, and sunglasses- He needed sunglasses. Why wasn’t he wearing sunglasses. He took a moment to put his internal fantasy on pause, eyes flicking around the car for anything he could use to cover his eyes. Cool people wore sunglasses, right? And this way, maybe it wouldn’t be that obvious how incredibly nervous he was.

It was just after finding a pair in the upper console and moving to shove them over his eyes that Namjoon was reminded he was already, in fact, wearing a pair of glasses. Prescription ones. That he needed to see. Shit- He knew he should have worn contacts. But the solution had been making his eyes itchy and he didn’t need to imagine the kind of humiliation he’d end up feeling if Jin saw him with his eyes all red like he’d been crying - which honestly if you were to ask him he’d hail as a whole lot of bullshit. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to cry? Why should that be such an embarrassing thing? Why shouldn’t-

He’s shocked out of his thoughts when he pulls the car to a screeching halt. The momentum sends him lurching forward, the shades balancing precariously over his actual glasses flying off his face and miraculously landing in his lap. With a deep breath, Namjoon dares a peek over the steering wheel, cringing at just how close he was to the bumper in front of him. Red lights. Those were things. So were horns, evidently, from the sound of the one that was blaring behind him.






No more disasters seemed to follow Namjoon on the rest of the way from his grandparent’s neighborhood to the campus. He finds parking easily enough, settling in close to the dorms and letting out a loud exhale the moment the ignition is off. He doesn’t even realize how much tension he’s holding in his body until he finally releases and starts to relax into the seat. But, Namjoon was finding that true relaxation probably wouldn’t be coming any time soon. Even just existing in the same sphere of something owned by his grandparents was… Stressful, to say the least.

He didn’t get along very well with either of his sets of relatives. His mom’s parents were one thing - they were old world and out of touch but fundamentally usually meant well and he knew that they loved him, in their own way. And in his own way Namjoon supposed he loved them too.

But his dad’s parents? It was another story entirely. They had never liked his mom, and they certainly didn’t seem to like him very much. The only reason they were even in contact with him still seemed to be built on principle and saving face. He was too messy, too gangling and awkward. Too much like his mother in not only appearance and temperament but ideals as well. He was too much like the woman they happily blamed for ruining their son.

Ruining. As if.

Once again Namjoon is coaxed out of his thoughts (though more gently this time), by a few small taps on the passenger side window. His head snaps in the direction of the sound, and automatically his face breaks into a grin at the sight of Jin and the patient smile on his face. Quickly, Namjoon fumbles for the lock, and Jin slips into the car a lot more gracefully than Namjoon even thought was possible.

“Thanks again,” was the first thing he said, and the smile on his face seemed to be turning into more and more of a grimace by the second, “I know it’s probably inconvenient, but I appreciate. You’re really doing me a big favour here.”

Despite his better judgement, Namjoon feels his chest puffing out in pride. “It’s really nothing. I- I really don’t mind. Who are we picking up?” He asks as he puts the car back into gear. He tries- He really tries not to oggle the way that the seatbelt fits so perfectly across Jin’s chest. But the more he thinks about not thinking about it, the larger the small flush forming across his cheeks get and the more he berates himself over how gross he must be acting and the more he doesn’t notice that he’s still backing up.

“Sorry, what?” Namjoon asks finally when he realizes that he missed Jin’s answer entirely.

“My brother,” He reiterates, hard expression turning first confused, then panicked as the backup camera once again begins screeching at them. “Joonie- Break!”

Joonie breaks. Just in time.