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Heaven or Dean

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Heaven or Dean


“You can't do this, Cas!”, Dean stated. “I don't let you. It was my decision to get the mark. It's not your responsibility to save me. You go to heaven and make sure the angels behave. Be the new sheriff in town.”


Dean had begged Sam for not telling Cas about the spell he found to get rid of the mark of Cain. He didn't want to put his friend in this position. Cas had the same bad habit like Dean of throwing his life away, when it came to save a friend.


But Dean couldn't live with that. Castiel was an angel again. He finally could go back home where he belonged. This was too much of a sacrifice and Dean knew he wasn't worth it.


But Sam just couldn't shut his cakehole...


Castiel stepped closer to Dean, right into his personal space. Dean had given up on reminding him of the concept of it. It was a lost cause, anyway.


“Dean” The angel had a grave expression on his face. It felt like his blue eyes stared deep into his soul.


“There are many things that I have done... decisions that I have made, that I regret.” Cas said, casting his eyes down for a few seconds, before he looked back at him with renewed confidence. “But there is one constant, which always recur. It is not the first time, I was asked to choose between you and heaven. It was the only decision in my life, I have never regretted. Because it was always the right one. I've chosen you and I will choose you now.”


Dean slowly shook his head. Why would he do this? He already died like a thousand times for him, rebelled, became mortal and suffered so much because of him. He remembered the psycho-angel bitch, who told him that he corrupted Castiel. He failed his friend so often, couldn't see his suffering in purgatory, left him alone when Metatron took his grace and he was left on his own, being human and hunted by angels. Dean already had so much guilt in him, he just knew he would drown if one more drop would fell on it.




Castiel looked to the floor. He didn't have to say anything. The answer was written all over his face, when he looked up again. His blue eyes so full of unshielded emotions, sadness and… love?


No. That couldn't be it.


“Dean, I want to do this. And if it makes you feel better, you are not the only reason for my decision. I want to be human. Since I was mortal I have a much better understanding for what is right and what is wrong. I am afraid when I get back to heaven to be a wavelength of celestial intend, I will loose this again. To say it in your words, I sucked at being an angel. I want to make it right this time. I want to stay here.”


“You're just saying that to make me agree to this. I know you feel responsible for the angels. You wouldn't be able to help them any more and you'd feel bad about this. Plus every time you've lost your mojo, you were miserable and suffering.”

Dean remembered how devastated 2014!Castiel was – how cynical and depressed. He never wanted to see Cas so broken again.


Cas shook his head slightly: “No Dean, I'm through with feeling responsible for every angel out there. Every time I tried to guide them I failed miserably. I just want to stay here with you.” Cas winced at his last two words. He obviously didn't planned to say them, but Dean was glad that he did.


“I can't let you this, Cas. I can't let you do this for me.”


Cas laid his hand on Dean's shoulder. That was the first time he ever initialized body contact. In the past it was always Dean who would pat him on his shoulder or hugged him.


“Then let me do this for me. You will die, if I won't do this. And I can't live with that. So don't let me live with that.”


Dean didn't know how he ever deserved this. Why he was so important to an angel – to Castiel. He pulled Cas into his arms, one arm around the angel's shoulder, the other one holding his back. And for the first time the angel reciprocated. Hesitant admittedly, but nevertheless Castiel's arm slowly found their way around Dean and holding him in a very soft and careful embrace.


“Please, let me do this.” Castiel's deep voice was so close to his ear, Dean felt the hair on his arms rising. He pressed his friend closer to him, feeling like he would drown if he ever let go. He sighed and nodded: “Only if you promise me to stay with me.”


He felt Castiel smiling against his shoulder: “I'm your guardian angel. The job doesn't vanish with my mojo.”


“I hope your job description isn't the only reason for you staying.” Dean huffed and leaned back. He then realized how close they both were still standing. Blue eyes gazing openly at him and he just couldn't bring himself to look away.


“I don't want to make you uncomfortable by telling you the real reason, Dean.”


Dean didn't feel uncomfortable. For the first time since he had the mark of Cain, which constantly was pulling him into the darkness, he felt a weight lifted from him. Like he could breath a little lighter. He noticed that he still was holding Castiel in his arms, pure instinct, that was telling him, not to let the angel go. To stay in his warm light, the last defence against the darkness, which was sneering at him.

He felt safe, he felt like home. A feeling he thought was long lost in his way of living on the road. Without thinking his hand slid through Castiel's tousled, dark hair and to the back of his neck. He pulled him slowly in, so Castiel would have a chance to pull away. But he didn't.


He only grazed the angel's lips lightly with his to wait for Castiel's reaction. A heart stopping second passed but finally Castiel was kissing him back. Careful, afraid one wrong move could end this. Dean's heart made a sudden jump, when Castiel kissed him back. Relieved and braver through this reassurance Dean deepened the kiss, his tongue tasting his angel for the first time. A taste of eternity, pie and a summer's night sky. Hard to describe, but Dean completely lost himself – never wanting to stop. Never wanted to stop feeling like this. Wishing they could be like that forever.


Sam's footsteps in the hall broke the moment eventually. Dean let Castiel go and turned around to see his brother coming through the door.


“Here you are! Did you two talk?”


Dean darted a glance at Castiel and grinned sheepishly. His angel grinned back. They never needed words to understand each other.


Castiel nodded at Sam: “Dean agreed. Let's do this.”


Sam smiled: “Thank you, Cas. You don't know... Just thanks.”


Cas smiled: “No need to thank me. It was never a question really. I always choose Dean.”


The End