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The Kinsey Scale

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“The internet is amazing,” Bucky said.

“Yeah, it’s groovy, alright,” Tony said. “Though mostly made up of funny cat pictures and porn. Whatcha reading?”

Bucky didn’t look up, his face underlit with the faintly blue light from a tablet. “Getting caught up on big social changes, mostly. Blacks and whites can marry, women appear to have it a lot better now, women and gays in the military, several words that I shouldn’t use anymore.” He paged down. “I’m on gay marriage now. That’s … really pretty cool. Good for them.”

Tony guffawed. “Really? I’d have thought you guys would be weirded out by that.”

Steve snorted. “Please. This century didn’t invent everything, Stark.”

“Shut up, I’m going to take this internet quiz,” Bucky said.

“What about?” Tony tried to look over the tablet and Bucky gave him a glare intended to inflict death.

“The Kinsey scale. Supposed to tell you what your sexuality is.”

Steve shook his head. “You really think that’s going to tell you anything you don’t already know?”

“No, but it might give me a couple of terms to describe something I already know. Vocabulary. X and y axes in relation to the rest of the modern world.”

“Ooo, big words,” Tony said.

“Yes, I can plot a graph,” Bucky growled. “Hm. I got a 2.”

Tony spit his mouthful of soda out before he choked on it.

“What’s that mean?” Steve said.

“I dunno, give me a minute. Ok … a 0 means you’re totally heterosexual. A 6 means you’re totally homosexual. A 3 would be if you really had no preference at all.”

“And - and you scored yourself a 2?” Tony said.

“Yes, hush,” Bucky said.

“Like I said,” Steve said, “not telling you anything you don’t already know.”

“You take it.” He tried to hand Steve the pad.

“I don’t want to take it.”

“Come on! I wanna see if we match.”

“We don’t match, Bucky.”

“We might.”

“This is my twilight zone, I have stepped into an alternative dimension,” Tony said. “Am I dreaming? Did I eat some of the fun brownies?”

Steve looked at the graph a moment, a token concession. “I’m a 1,” he said. “Look, I told you in the 1940s, and I’ll tell you now, most people are less than 100% straight. I think 0s, 6s and 3s would be the least common results.”

Bucky smirked and went back to reading. “You have too much faith in people, Captain Rogers. Most people are not that honest with themselves about their own desires.”

“They should be,” Steve said. “Sex is fun.”

“Amen.”

“I’m done,” Tony said. “Captain America is talking about fun gay sex. My worldview has been turned upside down on its head. I gotta go.”

Steve held up his hands. “Geeze, Tony, you’re a self-proclaimed playboy. I had no idea you’d be so reactive to this kind of conversation.”

“Not upset,” Tony said on his way out, not turning around. “I’ll be in my bunk. I’ll come back when I’ve worked this out of my system and can communicate like a human again.”

Bucky shrugged. “Your friends are weird. That guy needs to get laid. Hey, you should try to recruit him to your Rank 1 status. I mean, I’m Rank 2, so technically I outrank you.”

“It’s an information graph, you don’t get points for being more gay. This is not a contest.”

“Not much of one,” Bucky muttered, pulling the rest of Tony’s soda over to him, slurping down the carbonated drink in victory.