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If there was a time he thought he fell for the big chrome dude, it was probably… he’d have to say the moment he’d accidentally fondled his balls, in view full of Fuckface on the bridge that he had then proceeded to throw himself off of. Rock. Bottom. And boy did Silver Bits have one of those.

No, if he were being honest, Wade didn’t know when he’d fallen in love with him, really. But he’d fallen. And he’d fallen hard. Yes, that was a euphemism. For the boner he was sporting beneath a tight red layer of spandex, but. If there was anything his relationship with Vanessa had taught him– and it had taught him, a lot, surprising, right?– it was that relationships weren’t all about the fucking. Surprising, right?

That time Gigantor had let him grope that rock hard ass hadn’t been a turn off, though.

The first time he’d kissed him hadn’t… gone well. It was his own fault! He took full responsibility. But it had been a victory kiss– cue the music, folks, the bad guys were dead and he’d gotten Mr Knight in Shining Armor to cut loose and have a little fun. It was definitely a victory kiss, and he hadn’t even thought to take off his mask before he was holding onto a gleaming wrist and pressing his mouth area against Shiny’s lips.

The big guy had promptly swat him away, a slap of metal against his own body sending him flying into the trees.

“… right. I deserved that.” He tugged a twig from his face, blew a leaf from his suit. No, that wasn’t a euphemism. “Terrible timing. A bad kiss. Bad Deadpool. Fuck.”

“Aww, Wade,” Yukio chirped, like he was something to be pitied and Jesus, that attempt really was.

Negasonic just smiled, that shit eating kind of smile he hated and loved both because it was usually accompanied by a middle finger or some action he was either gonna love or hate– oh, she was grabbing Yukio and making out with her in front of him.

“Wow,” he complained. “Listen, you two are fucking gorgeous, but could you have a little pity for me?!”

“Could you ever remain serious?” Colossus intoned. “Let us go. You,” he jabbed a finger at Wade, “are coming back to Xavier’s.”

“Oooh, is that a proposition, big guy?”


“Shut up, you– you glorious step in LGBTQA superhero representation on screen!”

Fuck you.”

“I wish someone would,” he said, sotto voce.

Vanessa laughed at his expense later that night, tracing patterns along his skin after a spectacular pity fuck. “Romantic, Wade. You want me to seduce him for you?”

“No. Yes.” He whined, guiding her hand down to his groin. “Will you?”

She only laughed more. He’d be really annoyed if she wasn’t so beautiful when she did that. She could laugh at him the rest of her life and he thought he’d enjoy it. Then again, he’d always been a bit of a masochist, hadn’t he? Huh. “No.” She gave his cock a squeeze and then pulled away. “Leave you to suffer by yourself for now, babe. If you manage to not shit on this though, I am very willing to suck a giant silver cock sometime in the very near future,” she said, rolling over.

“Ughhhh.” He slammed his head back into the pillow. “Do you think he even has normal orgasms? Or super orgasms?” He sucked in a breath. “What if his spunk is, like, WD-40? Wait, or would he just use that for lube…?”



“Go the fuck to sleep.”



The second time had gone less terribly but just as shitty because the giant dumb fuck didn’t think he was serious. Jesus, he’d already had a hand on his cock and ass and had mouth to mouth contact, what more did he want from him?

“Why don’t you try something a little similar to what you did for me, huh?”

“Fat Galdalf and a wall fuck?”

“Close. But I was thinking more something like how you took me to skee-ball,” Vanessa said. “Take him and do something not fucked up for once?”

Fast forward twenty-seven hours, fourteen minutes, and seventeen seconds showing up at the suspiciously empty mansion to flick the plastic card at the object of his pathetic affection and ramble off pre-determined words. “Wanna go enjoy a moderately-priced, extremely tasty low-fat dessert with me?”

So maybe two mutant dudes in a frozen yogurt shop wasn’t completely the best idea for a date, but he’d hit the rock bottom of Fuck It’s Ville and the tart cherries and chocolate yogurt was actually divine.

“You cannot plan to eat with mask on.”

“Oh, I just kind of plan to rub my face into it and let it melt through the spandex. Suck it out through the fabric. Mmm.”

“Is everything you do filthy?”

“Not everything,” he said cheerfully. “I take showers, those are cleansing, right? I mean, I might touch myself a little bit while doing–”

“Wade,” Colossus interrupted, pointing his spoon at him. Fuck, his stupid silvery hands. They were so… huge and… still delicate, the way he was holding that spoon… Gaah. “We are in public. There are children here,” he said, gesturing.

“Nghhh…” He dropped his head back on his shoulders, going cross-eyed as he looked at the ceiling. “Fiiiiine. Anything for you, big guy. But only for you! Just for now! Don’t think every date’s gonna be like this, cause it ain’t!”

“You are incorrigible,” he said, and all Wade’s ills were healed– skin, clear, crops, flourishing!– for that dumb metallic smile. God.

“He likes the yogurt more than he likes me, Al,” he complained, later that night as he fell onto the ratty old couch. “Fuck that low-fat extremely tasty bullshit.”

“You probably have,” she muttered.

He gasped, dropping his head into her lap. “That is too cold for Captain Deadpool and the first mates! What if I’d freeze it off?”

“You’d just grow it back, I’d guess.”

“Not a pleasant experience. Thanks!”

“Why don’t you just tell this man how you feel?”

“Like, talk?” Wade frowned. “About my emotions? Stupid. Why don’t you just open your eyes wider and see?”

“Because I’m blind.”

“And I’m– I’m–”

“Emotionally constipated?”

“… fuck me up the ass.”

“Lost the strap.”

“Uhhhhhh… ew. Never imply you do sex things again.”




Cable dropped the spoon into the bowl of oatmeal, leaning forward to put his face in his hands. “Jesus Christ.”

Wade leaned his elbows on the table and stooped over. “If you don’t see a thing in the future, does that mean it won’t won’t happen, or that it just didn’t happen in that universe?”

“You already know the answer to this.”

“I just wanna make sure.”

“Are you still trying to fuck that giant silver dick?”

“Hey! That is my boyfriend you’re talking about there!!”

“Imaginary boyfriend.”

“He’s not imaginary!”

“He’s not your boyfriend.” Cable picked up the spoon again. “He’s not even your fuck toy. Although I guess you’d be his fuck toy.” A thoughtful bite of breakfast, and then a shrug. “You already bend over for him anyways.”

“Hey, I have no problem being someone’s bitch if it’s the right someone.”

“Pussy whipped.”

“Goddamn right. When’s the last time you had any vagina–”

“This morning.” Negasonic strode in, Yukio ever at her heels. “Thanks for asking, dirty old man.”

“Thank you, Negasonic Teenage Not-a-Virgin. Yuki.”

“Hi, Wade!”

“Jesus, I should have gone home…”

Cool it, One Eyed Willy.”

“Did everyone eat breakfast?”

Wade straightened up as Colossus ducked into the kitchen, and pretended Cable didn’t splutter in laughter over his oatmeal. Maybe he’d choke on it.

“Pussy, whipped. Dick whipped, I guess.”

“Cable, language,” Colossus chastised. “Young people are here.”

“Yeah.” Wade propped an elbow on Colossus’s arm, leaning into the cool press of his weight. “C’mon, Cable. Young kids are watching.”

“Fuck, I gotta get out of this house more,” Cable grumbled, taking his bowl with him as he headed for the door.

Colossus heaved a sigh, and tilted his head down towards Wade. “Did you eat breakfast, Wade?”

“Nooo, big guy, not yet. You wanna whip something up for me?”

He was screwing with him, but of course Colossus agreed. He always did, for any of them.

Cable was right. He was whipped.

Paddle, meet Wade Wilson’s ass.



“Wade, why don’t you go to bed?”

He was too tired and half asleep to make the dirty joke that went with that question, but wasn’t that a missed opportunity. Still… the opportunity he had now wasn’t a bad one, he was realizing, as he came back to consciousness sooner than he’d like.

He was tired, damn it. Bouncing between here and home, all this non-superhero shit and Ness was at work; Wade’d gone to the mutant mansion in search of entertainment and he thought he’d found it with movies with Colossus. Yeah but, big guy was watching a documentary. Snore. So he’d really snored, falling asleep with his head on, apparently, Colossus’s shoulder.

Nope, didn’t mind it.

He was all metalloid shit, hard edges and cool to the touch. But still… so damn comfortable. What the fuck? How was that even fair?

“No,” Wade complained, “I’m watching this movie.”

“You are asleep.”

“I’m talkin’, aren’t I?”

“For now.”


“You will get crick in neck, Wade.”

He groaned, dragging his head away from Colossus’s shoulder. “Fine. I’ll just–” Wade squirmed over until he was able to flop his head into Colossus’s lap. Which was stupid, because the guy was comfortable but he was still hard. And not in the good way. “… ow.”


“Just… give me the pillow, Numb Nuts.”

“You know,” Colossus said, situating the pillow beneath Wade’s head, “you are not insufferable when tired.”

“Ooh, you should see me in the morning.” He yawned, rolling over. He could at least pretend to watch tv.

“I have.”

“Oh, right. Well, you love our little mutant sleepovers, don’t lie.”

“They are never boring, Wade. I’ll give you that.”

Colossus rest his hand on Wade’s shoulder.

Wade took it as a win.



He should have done this a long time ago, but almost dying for really real hurt like a bitch.

“Hold on, Wade. Almost there.”

“Jesus, just…” Actually a bitch. “F–Fuck.”

“Stay with me.”

“I’m always with you, you big oblivious fuck. Oh God–” He didn’t know what was worse, the bullshit anti-mutation serum he’d been stuck with or the cancer. “If you… ever stopped to think I wanted… more than just to fondle your big shiny balls– although that’s a part of it– I–” Oh, coughing hurt. Actually, breathing hurt. Everything hurt. Why did he have to be the one to keep waffling between human and mutant– he couldn’t live as human now, he was too fucked– “‘m gonna puke.”

“A moment–”

“Colos– you need to–”

“Get that antidote over here now!”

“Already got it!”

“Colossus,” Wade moaned.

“Here.” Colossus deposited him gently into a chair and was pressing a bucket or trash can or– or something into his hands and Wade took it so as to avoid puking all over himself– it was hell to get vomit out of the suit– “We have you, Wade.”

He moaned through a mouthful of bile, spluttering and coughing. Colossus’s hand was splayed against his back, and then there was a sharp pinch of a needle jabbing into his arm. “Ow! Fuck you– warning, huh??”

“Your mutant genes will kick back in soon,” Colossus said soothingly. “You will be okay.”

“Yeah– never doubted you– much–” He couldn’t talk much for retching, and for the pain, and it was simpler to ease back in the chair and let the antidote take off through his bloodstream.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he did; he was waking up in one of the stupidly soft beds at the mansion in the next moment, still achy and a little weak. “Shit… Ness’s gonna kill me,” he mumbled, trying to prop himself up. He was meant to be home early tonight. She hated when he didn’t call. Granted if she were the one doing all this fucked up shit, he’d be worried, too, but well… out of his control.

Colossus was sitting next to the bed, head propped on his fist. Asleep. Jesus.

“Hey. Big guy… wakey wakey.” He reached over– ow, definitely still sore– to slap his hand against Colossus’s cheek. “I know you’re… prostrate with grief, but…”

Colossus sat up, eyes flicking around the room. Then they settled on Wade’s. Wade wondered if that gross feeling of little cartoon animals romping in your stomach ever went away. Probably not. “Wade. You’re awake. How do you feel?”

“Like I was run over with a bus. A fucking mutant bus.” He shrugged, rolling his shoulders. “So pretty much like normal again.”

Colossus sighed. “That is good. You had us worried.”

“Worried? You? You were worried about me?” He inhaled. “Colossus Perfect Mind Body and Soul– what even is your last name?”

“Of course we were worried. Is too quiet when you’re down.”

“That didn’t answer my question. Listen, mine’s Wilson, and yours is… something Russian. Pietro– shit, wrong movie. Smirnoff. Oh please tell me it’s not Putin.”

“A question for another day,” Colossus said, rising to his feet. “You rest, Wade. Go back to sleep, leave in morning.”

“Right.” He dropped back, folding his arms behind his head. “Don’t wanna catch a bus like this, anyway. Already did that earlier. With my face.”

“We remember.”

“What a shitshow. Night, Osmium, hope you have pleasant dreams.”

“Good night, Wade.”

He’d call Ness in a bit, maybe sneak out in the middle of the night to get back to her because too many nights spent under this roof due to some mission or other unrelated reason. But until then… yeah, sleeping some more sounded good. Sleep it off.

He thought he was alone– big guy had the uncanny ability to be silent when he wanted to be, again that stupid, amazing gentle but soft thing– so all to his surprise when lips were pressed against his forehead. Gentle but soft.

Oh God his breath stupidly caught in his throat before he could even open his eyes. Love was so goddamn weird. He hated it almost as much as he liked it.

“What the shit?” he asked, after a moment, and his voice was pitched too high. It didn’t matter, because Colossus was already at the door. “Did you just kiss me? Did you just forehead kiss me? That’s, like, top tier kiss. God tier kiss is the old-fashioned hand kiss but the forehead– Colossus, don’t leave now–

“Sleep, Wade,” Colossus said firmly, and ducked out of the doorway.

“You tease. I didn’t know you had it in you! Don’t close the door on our love!”

The door clicked shut.

He didn’t go after him, but only because his legs were weak. And it was only because he was still healing up. That was the only reason.



“Wow.” Vanessa looked up, and down, and back up. “I know I was preoccupied when I met you before... and I’ve seen all Wade’s pictures, but you are… wow.”

“He’s larger than life, isn’t he?”

Colossus fidgeted in the tiny kitchen, and then held out a hand for Vanessa to shake. “You can call me Colossus. Is nice to properly meet you.”

“Oh yeah, likewise, sorry. I’m Vanessa, you probably already know, but…” She looked all shocked and in awe. Well, Wade understood the feeling.

“Yes,” Colossus said warmly. “Wade has told us much about you.”


“Too much, sometimes, I think.”

She raised her eyebrows, peering around Colossus’s arm at Wade. “Really.”

Wade held his hands up in a heart shape and grinned.

“Funny,” Ness continued, looking back up at Colossus. “Wade talks about you a lot, too.”

“This is not surprising. Wade likes to talk in general.”

“Hey!” he protested. “Who doesn’t want to hear the sound of my own voice?”

“He really does, doesn’t he? Never knows when to shut up.” Her eyes were gleaming. Somehow, it was a relief. He hadn’t thought she wouldn’t like Colossus– how could anybody not love the adorable fucker– but it was good for them to be in, like, the same part of his life. Them meeting before didn't count. Those had been some extenu-fucking-ating circumstances. Now was just... life.

“He has no off switch.”

“I so do. I’ve told you before, it’s right next to the–”

“– prostate,” all three of them said, all with varying levels of dry amusement.

“Why don’t you both try to find it, then?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

Colossus cleared his throat, and Vanessa rolled her eyes. “Ignore him. Tell me what he says about me. What do you want, coffee, booze– you eat and drink, right?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Because I made pot roast, if I can just–”

“Here, let me help you.”

“Oh, thanks, Colossus. Wish somebody’d take a hint from you,” she said, shooting Wade a stare.

“I don’t take anything out of the oven, I just put things in,” Wade replied, executing a pelvic thrust for those who were watching.

Both, it seemed; his girl scoffed and the chastising “Wade” came from his big metal maybe-more-than-friend.



“… most unusual, Miss Vanessa.”

“Yeah, well, me and Wade’ve never really been conventional.”

“You do not mind his advances towards others?”

“Well, they’re not usually serious, are they? He loves me. He’s a dumb fuck, but… I know he does. Then there’s you, and he’s fallen ass backwards. He’s never made a secret of it, though. You love who you love, sometimes it’s one person, sometimes it’s a few. It’s whatever, with communication.”

Wade was only pretending to be asleep. He’d go to hell for it, but well. He was prettttttty sure he was going there already.

He wanted to know what they were saying.

“So, no,” Vanessa continued, “I don’t mind you and him. And you and him and me. Whatever it turns out to be, if it does. That’s what you’re asking, right? Your conscience can stay clean, Col. I’m cool with any of it so long as he isn’t sneaking around behind my back, you know?”

“Not really,” Colossus admitted. “But is good to hear from you, rather than just… an assumption.”

“Rather than just Wade running his mouth, you mean.”

“Yes, that. … another question, if I may?”

“Hit me.”

“Why Wade? You do not… let’s see, how to say–”

“I don’t seem like the type of girl for Wade?” She laughed. “You just don’t know me yet, big guy. Could ask you the same thing. You’re definitely not like Wade. I mean, asides from being mutants… you’re quiet and polite, and he’s just…”

“He is Wade.” Wade thought Colossus might have shrugged, then. “That is answer.”

“Yeah… That explains everything.”

Vanessa fell asleep nestled into Colossus’s side, and Wade’s head remained on his lap the rest of the night.



“How in the ass are you such a good boyfriend?” It was way too early for this much of a breakfast and he’d only given him, like, an hour warning before he’d decided to drop by. “Did you just order takeout and make it look pretty?”

Absolutely not,” Colossus retorted. “Is not difficult when focused.”

“Yeahhh, me and focus don’t really get along.” Wade sidled up, slipping his arms around Colossus’s waist best he could.

“I’d noticed.”

“I know better ways to be a good boyfriend,” he said, nuzzling at his back.



“Do not call me that.”

“Oh, did you like my big silver sugar daddy better?”

“No. Eat your breakfast.”

Another whine, but Wade peeled himself away from him to go to the breakfast nook. There was no point in letting all the food go to waste, at least. “Fine. God, making me like your wife or something.”

“You don’t make breakfast for Vanessa.”

“Says who?”


“How dare you both! Toaster strudel is completely breakfast material.”

“It is very unhealthy.”

“Fuck that.”

“Language, Wade.”

“Yeah, why should I–”

Somehow he was still surprised when Colossus initiated anything. He really shouldn’t have been, the guy wasn’t him but he wasn’t a complete robot and fuck, did he actually like to cuddle, but Wade still felt his breath catch when Colossus stooped to kiss him.

Stupid. He was stupid. Love was stupid. He loved it. He loved him. He was so lucky, which was, all things considered, not a word he usually associated with his life.

“Mmm.” He grabbed a handful of the big guy’s shirt, pulling him down further, further into the kiss so he could sink his teeth into his lip and hopefully go for a little tongue–

Unsurprisingly, though, Colossus pulled away. “Eat your breakfast,” he reminded.

“So you’re saying I should save my ‘fucks’ for later?” he asked, grinning.

Colossus rolled his eyes. “Is getting cold.”

“Yeah, so am I. Hey.” He caught his hand as he made to step away, lacing their fingers together. “Thanks for breakfast, yeah?” He brought his knuckles up to his mouth, passing his lips against them.

Colossus’s smile was perfect. It was nice to know he could make him feel like a teenage girl in love too.



“Ooooh, Deadpool sandwich.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Come on, let’s soak in the afterglow a little longer.”

“Soak all you want, I’m going to sleep,” Vanessa said, curling up on the side of the bed. The beds at Xavier’s were huge. Like Colossus’s cock, thanks for asking.

Speaking of Colossus, he yawned from where he was nuzzled into the press of Wade’s body.

“Nooo, not you too, big guy,” Wade complained. “Don’t fall asleep on me too.”

“Sorry, Wade,” he mumbled, lips brushing against the nape of his neck. “Talk later, okay?”

“Yeah, of course we’ll talk later, but we won’t cuddle later because we’ll all be too busy!”

“Cuddle after mission,” Colossus said, slinging an arm around his waist.

“I can fuck you before work,” Vanessa mumbled, “if you let me sleep now.”

“Ughhhh, fine.”

“Have good sleep, Vanessa.”

“Same to you, big spoon.”

“Night,” Wade mumbled against Vanessa’s shoulder. “You too, Col.”

“Good night, Wade.”

“Have sweet dreams.”

“You as well.”

“Oh, I will, how could I possibly not?” He wiggled his toes against Vanessa’s ankle and pressed his ass back against Colossus. “This is like heaven.”

“Is not far from,” Colossus muttered.

“See what you’d been missing out all that time?”


“Just think, you could have–”

“I swear to god if you two don’t shut up, I’m not touching your cock for a week.”

“Wait, who’s cock?”

“Either.” Vanessa pulled the blankets up. “Both. So shut the fuck up.”

“… roger,” Wade said idly.

“Sleep,” Colossus mumbled.

They did.