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I Never Told You

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"It's the end, of everything."

" No, what if---what if you had your sword?"

Castiel sat at the map table, feeling every fiber of his being slowly crumble as he relives what he now considers the worst moment in his entire existance in his mind. He knew that they were running out of options to save the world from the wrath Lucifer and alternate-world Michael, but he never realized how desperately thin the ice they had been treading on was, until merely a few hours ago.

"Dean, no."

"I am your sword."

He had known for weeks that they were getting desperate for some sort of a win on their side, but not THIS desperate. Not so desperate that Dean, the righteous man, the one who taught him that free will was worth fighting and dying for; The man that he was sent to rescue from hell, and prepare him to be the Michael's sword; The Dean that no matter who or what threatened his life, he would never say yes to Heaven's wishes. The Human that taught him that sometimes being a "good little soldier" wasn't the answer. This human, his charge, his 'best and closest friend', had been at such a low breaking point that he did the one thing he swore all his life he would never do; Surrender.

" Your perfect vessel."

The sneer on Michael's face, and the small glint of pleasure in his eyes made Castiel's insides turn and boil with anger and worry.

"With me you'd be stronger."

"Oh, I know what you are."
This Michael was far more dangerous than the Archangel they came up against almost 8 years ago, when the apocalypse was near. Why did Dean think that the only way was to give himself willingly after so many years of fighting it?

" If we work together, can we beat Lucifer?"

NO, Castiel heard his own voice in his head echo through his mind.

"We might have a chance." The Archangel sneered.

Enough is enough, he wasn't about to let everything he fought and died for many times just waste away before his eyes. Castiel's anger and shock came boiling to the surface as he took a step towards Dean.

"Dean, you CAN'T."

T he Hunter turned to face him, a look of desperation in his eyes. "Lucifer has SAM, he has JACK; I don't have a CHOICE."

Castiel has known Dean for so long, he'd have thought by now that he would have seen this coming, because when it came to choosing between his life or Sam's, Dean always chose the latter. He'd do ANYTHING to save his brother or the one's he loved, and this shouldn't have been as much of a shock to him as it had been when he heard Dean make a "deal" with the alternate-world psychotic version of his brother. Why could he not have seen this coming from even a mile away?

That last statement was what made Castiel's world shatter into a million pieces, and he had to fight to keep himself from wrapping his arms around dean and flying them both as far away from Michael as possible.

And then, it happened.

The deal was made.

The deal that now caused him to lose his long time, and only best friend, besides Sam. After all they had been through together; stopping the apocalypse, killing Dick Roman, being stuck in purgatory, and the gates of Heaven closing causing the Angels to fall; it all came crashing down to what he now considered to be the worst moment, and biggest regret in his life. Deep down he knew there were strange feelings about Dean that he didn't really understand, and at times it felt like him and Dean were more than just friends or brothers, but he brushed them off as his mind playing tricks on him.
It was only then, when Sam had called him, and told him what had happened that he felt his heart sink like the Titanic.

"Cas, Dean is---" The younger winchester took a staggered breathe before continuing. "Dean's gone, Michael double crossed us."

"What? What do you mean GONE? Is he-" The worst image of Dean's body lying on the ground with his eyes burned out flashed through his head.

"No no, Cas, he's not Dead, atleast I don't think he is, yet, but--he might as well be. After the big battle with Lucifer, Dean seemed to be in control until he started to feel pain, and---basically we now have a bigger problem than anything we've been dealing with over the past year. My brother has become an Archangel's new and improved meat suit."

The last time he came face to face with any version of Michael was during the apocalypse, and he had pulled an impulse move that involved a Molotov cocktail. But this time was different, because it involved Dean, meaning even if he were to get the chance to pull the same move again, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do that to his--at this point he didn't know what to call the man anymore. The odds of saving Dean as of now looked to be pretty highly stacked against them, and Cas couldn't make up his mind on what to do. So for now, he did what he thought was best for anyone in his position; he sat and drowned himself in guilt and sadness. Mary and Bobby had apparently gotten word of the situation, and had tried to talk to him, see if he was okay, but he couldn't find himself to speak.

Suddenly he found the memory of the first time he rebelled against his orders; for Dean.

"This has been long foretold, this is Your-"

"Destiny!? Don't gimme that 'holy crap'. Destiny, God's 'Plan', it's all a bunch of lies you stupid poor son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep you, and keep me in line! You wanna know what's real? People, Families. THAT's real!"

Everything Dean had said to him from that moment on weighed down on his mind like a ton of bricks, and he's memorized every word like a journal in his head.

"There is RIGHT and there is a WRONG here, and You know it! LOOK AT ME-"

Cas felt Dean's hand push on his shoulder, forcing him to turn to face the Human.

"You KNOW it!"

The look of desperation in Dean's eyes burned through his entire being, and for the first time in his entire existence, he began to experience a heavy emotional flow of guilt.
He could never forget the moment he fell in love with the concept of Humanity, as Metatron had once stated, and now the very cause of these feelings was ripped away by betrayal and ignorance. His Dean, his hunter, his closest friend, was gone; fallen victim to foul play of the worst kind, and he felt powerless again after almost a year.

He knew he had to stay strong, especially for Sam, Jack, and even Mary.

He also knew he was kidding himself sitting here trying to act like he wasn't hurting, because he was. Deep down in his soul, Castiel was falling apart, and it was all because of something he thought he would have all the time in the world to do; Tell Dean how he really felt about him.

But now, that chance will probably never come, and he would have to live with that regret for possibly the rest of his life. Because at this point now, they were going to need a freaking miracle to get them out of this situation.
"I'm so sorry I failed you, Dean."